Grandma's Invitation Demands

[Deleted User]

So, my Grandma told me months ago she wants me to invite these second cousins I have never met, because I MUST, because they are FAMILY. Nevermind that I wasn't invited to their weddings.

First, she says just send them all to the mother's house. These people are in their 40s and 50s. No. I refused.

Then, she gave me two of their addresses, but not the other two, because she can't find them, so just send them to the mother's house. AGAIN, no.

Then, she told me just invite the ONE. I feel weird about only inviting ONE sibling, but I DO have HER address. But I do not have her husband's name, and Grandma says "oh, don't invite him. NO.

So, at what point do I  just say "I'm sorry, I can't do this?" Grandma isn't paying. However, her son, my dad, passed away last year at this time, and I know it will be difficult to be at the wedding without him, so I wanted her to invite whoever she wanted within reason. 

The invitations have already started printing and being addressed. This has been going on for MONTHS.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grandmas-invitation-demands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1994de18-4c6a-4546-b672-d913ff3faf6aPost:d58974b1-61d8-495f-addb-830b1a19df34">Re: Grandma's Invitation Demands</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there a grandpa that goes with grandma? If not, I'd give grandma a plus one. If there is, do they have a friend that you know that you can invite? The kind of person that you've met a few times, maybe at a birthday or anniversary dinner for the grandparents? I wouldn't invite the second cousins. If she doesn't have their addresses, or phone numbers to call for their addresses, then she isn't that close with them. In general, I think it is best to invite in circles, and since it isn't like you are super close with one of the second cousins but not the others, I think it is a good time to stick to the invite in circles rule.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No, my grandfather died a long time ago. She had a list of 24 people and when I started asking for addresses, she got flustered and said "nevermind." So, I tried to give her MANY friends to invite, meaning, women I have met and gone to church with in my childhood. She refuses to work with me here.</div><div>
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GoodLuckBear14

Is there an aunt or uncle who is a child of hers?  Is there anyone else in the world who can step in on your behalf here?

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grandmas-invitation-demands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1994de18-4c6a-4546-b672-d913ff3faf6aPost:778f4d82-f5e3-4aae-80d6-8980d3f9fe73">Re: Grandma's Invitation Demands</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there an aunt or uncle who is a child of hers?  Is there anyone else in the world who can step in on your behalf here?
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>She has three kids, two are dead (my uncle and dad). My aunt and her two daughters ARE invited. </div><div>
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[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grandmas-invitation-demands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1994de18-4c6a-4546-b672-d913ff3faf6aPost:d01f687e-815c-4ad1-aa6e-53ad3610827d">Re: Grandma's Invitation Demands</a>:
[QUOTE]I would honestly say "Grandma, we cannot accomodate extra people for the wedding.  Let's plan a 4th of July (or other summer holiday) family BBQ for when we return from our honeymoon, because I'm excited to meet these cousins" You're getting really close to your wedding, and you honestly should'nt be chasing down addresses at the 11th hour.  
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>These people live in Florida. I'll never meet them, nor do I want to (that sounds awful, but I just don't have interest in meeting long lost family who never made an effort to be in touch with me).

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AddieCake

I agree you shouldn't worry about inviting them. If Grandma is so close to these people, why doesn't she have addresses for them? 

harper0813

Give your grandma a plus one. She can decide who she wants to bring for company. I find it silly that the wedding will be hard for her, having lost her son... when her son is your DAD, and I'd imagine it will be equally hard for you. It sounds like she is unfairly jerking you around.

But you are not obligated to invite these distant relatives, nor are you obligated to give your grandma a plus one, since she will know PLENTY of other people there. But it would be nice.

[Deleted User]

Update: I let her know that if I invite this one person, I'd have to invite all other parents' cousins, and FI's mom has FIFTY-SEVEN of them. I asked her if she would rather have someone from the church?

I'm waiting to hear back, but if she pushes, I'm done fighting. I'll invite this virtual stranger.

MoonlightSilver

Another option is to say "Grandma, I need the addresses and names of spouses of these cousins before I send the invites, otherwise I cant invite them." And then do NOT ask for the addresses again. Do not badger her for the info. Just let it drop away. If she asks about it after invite are out, "oh sorry, they're already sent, we can't send anymore now." 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grandmas-invitation-demands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1994de18-4c6a-4546-b672-d913ff3faf6aPost:1c12cd6f-6f55-4dd8-b0e5-10f97ea0da5e">Re: Grandma's Invitation Demands</a>:
[QUOTE]Another option is to say "Grandma, I need the addresses and names of spouses of these cousins before I send the invites, otherwise I cant invite them." And then do NOT ask for the addresses again. Do not badger her for the info. Just let it drop away. If she asks about it after invite are out, "oh sorry, they're already sent, we can't send anymore now." 
Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

I did this! I stopped asking about two months ago. Now, she just got to me with ONE address and said to invite ONE person. Not the FOUR siblings.

I talked to my mom about it and she is trying to get all four of their addresses. I just know these people aren't going to RSVP one way or the other, and maybe they will come and maybe they won't, and then what?

zitiqueen

"Grandma, if I have to be introduced to a relative at my wedding, I'm not inviting them. That's where I draw the line." Then give her a plus-one and be done with it.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grandmas-invitation-demands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1994de18-4c6a-4546-b672-d913ff3faf6aPost:9faa1595-362a-435d-8b6e-4827d7e0af96">Re: Grandma's Invitation Demands</a>:
[QUOTE]"Grandma, if I have to be introduced to a relative at my wedding, I'm not inviting them. That's where I draw the line." Then give her a plus-one and be done with it.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

That really isn't going to fly, since I'll have to be introduced to many, many people at my wedding, and she will say "but why can't I have just one, then?"

I agree it's ridiculous. But there's nothing I can do.

The new development is she said "NEVERMIND," but she already asked all these people for their addresses, so they are expecting invitations.

AmandaKess

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grandmas-invitation-demands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1994de18-4c6a-4546-b672-d913ff3faf6aPost:7260c409-29e5-4fbe-a735-892ff3d40ad9">Grandma's Invitation Demands</a>:
[QUOTE] So, at what point do I  just say "I'm sorry, I can't do this?" Grandma isn't paying. However, her son, my dad, passed away last year at this time, and I know it will be difficult to be at the wedding without him, so I wanted her to invite whoever she wanted within reason.  The invitations have already started printing and being addressed. This has been going on for MONTHS.
Posted by Domino04[/QUOTE]

I think you have reached that point. I would just say something like, "I'm sorry Grandma, but I've been asking you for contact information for these people for months and I simply can't wait any longer." It's not like you haven't been trying to work with her on it. She might make a fuss, but it's really her own fault that COULDN'T invite these people for HER. It seems to me like you've done all you can do to be considerate of her feelings. If she can't meet you halfway then I guess it wont happen, y'know?

Jen4948

I'd just say to Grandma, "Grandma, I'm sorry but it isn't possible for me to invite these people and it isn't happening.  Please consider the subject closed."

And then treat it as a closed subject.  Refuse to discuss it with her, refuse to put up with any hostility or defensiveness from her.  If she threatens to boycott, just tell her, "I'll miss you" but make no promises that you will do it.  Don't be emotionally blackmailed.

Knottie_22382102

Grandma's out of line.  I agree with the plus one.

She shouldn't have invited people as it's not her wedding. I would just send those people a wedding announcement or something since she got you their addresses...or, give her the photos and she can send them out

My FMIL demanded I invite a bunch of people and I've done it because it's simply not worth the fight with her on it at this point and that's the only reason. These are people I've either never met or met once....and they don't really care about FI's existence. Not sure why she wants them so badly, but whatever.