FMIL gave StD to someone who isn't invited.

meg65

So. A few weeks ago, we saw FMIL and gave her two StD magnets, one for her and one for FI's grandparents. We didn't mail them since we were seeing her anyway, and she sees the grandparents regularly. 

Next time we saw everyone, we asked grandparents if they got StD. FMIL interjected that she had seen an old family friend (mother in a family of four) shortly after we gave her the Stds, and she gave the one meant for grandparents to said friend, who is not, in fact, on our guest list. 

My response: It wasn't FOR them. Her response: I know, but she asked about FI so I gave it to her, it doesn't mean she thinks she is invited! FI: Then what is she saving the date for? FMIL: (silence). 

We were both irritated about it, but I guess we just forgot about it until FI recently ran into the husband of the woman, and he mentioned our StD magnet is on their fridge. 

We know the rule, everyone who gets an StD must get an invite, but this isn't something we meant to happen, and we can't afford having this family at our wedding. We already hacked our guest list to pieces until only our families remained, no favors, lots of DIY, no frills. There is not an extra $250 in our budget for them.

Short version: FMIL gave StD to a family she knows without checking if they were on our guest list first. They are not, and we don't think we can swing paying for them. What should we do? 

MyUserName1

I'd tell FMIL that she either needs to pony up the cash to invite these folks or she needs to explain her mistake to them. 

I would not add them to the guest list if I'd already cut all of my friends!

melntaitt

That sounds very irritating, but I would insist that FMIL at least pony up for that expense. I don't know how much your wedding costs per guest, but if you had to sacrifice others from your list already, I couldn't imagine having another party there to deal with.

And PP is right; too much time has passed and it would likely cause more conflict to have to un-invite them at this point. It's really not these people's fault that your FMIL goofed.

Another question: is this typical behavior for her? Is this something that happens often, (breaching boundaries, etc)? That's something to handle before too long or you'll have a whole other slew of problems.

jtown

That is super annoying! I really don't think you need to invite these people. It was totally your FMIL's screw up. She needs to fix it. It's her job to apologize.

And here's something else - she did say that just because this woman has the STD on her fridge, it doesn't mean she thinks she's invited. I know this sounds crazy, but I've found that in this older generation, sometimes people do things a little differently. It sounds totally weird, but it is absolutely possible that this family friend is just interested in having this magnet for her friend's son's wedding with NO expectation of being invited. I know, I know, it's weird and crazy but totally possible. Sometimes old ladies are into this stuff. And maybe her hubby was just making small talk when he mentioned the magnet...

TiffannieF

Is your FMIL Filipino? Because she sounds like my MIL....she threw me a shower and invited over 30 people who I've never heard of, met, or invited to the wedding...it was awkward and irritating...

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gave-std-someone-isnt-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a33d78b-afec-43f9-991d-95dcaf045453Post:88162c1d-d78c-43d8-bab6-82f1c04ba949">Re: FMIL gave StD to someone who isn't invited.</a>:
[QUOTE]That is super annoying! I really don't think you need to invite these people. It was totally your FMIL's screw up. She needs to fix it. It's her job to apologize. And here's something else - she did say that just because this woman has the STD on her fridge, it doesn't mean she thinks she's invited. I know this sounds crazy, but I've found that in this older generation, sometimes people do things a little differently. It sounds totally weird, but it is absolutely possible that this family friend is just interested in having this magnet for her friend's son's wedding with NO expectation of being invited. I know, I know, it's weird and crazy but totally possible. Sometimes old ladies are into this stuff. And maybe her hubby was just making small talk when he mentioned the magnet...
Posted by jtown[/QUOTE]

It doesn't sound to me like the family FMIL gave the STD to is of the older generation. It's a family of 4, which leads me to believe it's a couple with kids, not some little old couple that likes to have chotchkis on their fridge. So I don't think this is the case here.

OP I'd go with Mrs.Jess's 2nd option. I think too much time has passed to not invite these people. Fi should have cleared it up with them when the H mentioned it, but the ship has sailed.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gave-std-someone-isnt-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a33d78b-afec-43f9-991d-95dcaf045453Post:88162c1d-d78c-43d8-bab6-82f1c04ba949">Re: FMIL gave StD to someone who isn't invited.</a>:
[QUOTE]That is super annoying! I really don't think you need to invite these people. It was totally your FMIL's screw up. She needs to fix it. It's her job to apologize. And here's something else - she did say that just because this woman has the STD on her fridge, it doesn't mean she thinks she's invited. I know this sounds crazy, but I've found that in this older generation, sometimes people do things a little differently. It sounds totally weird<strong>, but it is absolutely possible that this family friend is just interested in having this magnet for her friend's son's wedding with NO expectation of being invited. </strong>I know, I know, it's weird and crazy but totally possible. Sometimes old ladies are into this stuff. And maybe her hubby was just making small talk when he mentioned the magnet...
Posted by jtown[/QUOTE]

<div>It would suck to not sent the invitation based on this logic and then have them be offended. </div><div>
</div><div>I think that the FMIL needs to pay for the extra people and make sure she understands that the guest list is closed.</div>

meg65

I agree, it should have been dealt with a long time ago. We were just so baffled at the time. I suppose I should have mentioned the reason FI didn't say anything to the husband is because the husband is his doctor, and they were in the middle of an exam when husband mentioned it- so while I wish he would have said something, I understand why he didn't. This also sort of complicates the whole "uninvite/invite" thing.

FMIL does have some serious boundary/other interpersonal issues, but we have not involved her in wedding things- aside from this one thing, of course, which turned out to be a disaster, so it's been fine. Aside from the occasional family get together, she has her life and we have ours.

I think we could probably invite just the parents, but FI is definitely having a talk with his mother.

em01092

I agree with PPs that had this been tackled earlier, you could have gotten out of inviting the couple, but since so much time has passed, I think you really ought to invite the adults and your FMIL should foot the bill because she flubbed up. 

jaycee7389

Your first mistake was not mailing it, honestly.

FI's aunt invited FMIL's cousins that we were not intending on inviting, so now we are obliged to. It sucks, and it's costing us a lot of money, but I would feel a lot more awkward uninviting them.

sarahlm619

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gave-std-someone-isnt-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a33d78b-afec-43f9-991d-95dcaf045453Post:88162c1d-d78c-43d8-bab6-82f1c04ba949">Re: FMIL gave StD to someone who isn't invited.</a>:
[QUOTE]That is super annoying! I really don't think you need to invite these people. It was totally your FMIL's screw up. She needs to fix it. It's her job to apologize. And here's something else - she did say that just because this woman has the STD on her fridge, it doesn't mean she thinks she's invited. <strong>I know this sounds crazy, but I've found that in this older generation, sometimes people do things a little differently. It sounds totally weird, but it is absolutely possible that this family friend is just interested in having this magnet for her friend's son's wedding with NO expectation of being invited. </strong>I know, I know, it's weird and crazy but totally possible. Sometimes old ladies are into this stuff. And maybe her hubby was just making small talk when he mentioned the magnet...
Posted by jtown[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I didn't read all of the responses -- but couldn't help but to just agree to the bolded part!  My grandma's best friend asked for a copy of our save the date.  When my grandma asked if it was ok for her to have an extra one -- I sort of paused because I didn't get it.  My mom explained it to me that because this best friend doesn't have kids of her own, and even though I've only met her a few times (I'm VERY close to my grandma though) that she feels like she knows me.  She didn't expect an invitation (wouldn't be able to go even if I did add her to the invite list) -- but simply wanted to share in a bit of the excitement.  I'm not saying that I totally get it yet -- but something so little means so much to some poeple!

</div>

meg65

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gave-std-someone-isnt-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a33d78b-afec-43f9-991d-95dcaf045453Post:803f67d5-cdc4-44c0-81b5-71e3d73c7805">Re: FMIL gave StD to someone who isn't invited.</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Y</strong><strong>our first mistake was not mailing it, honestly</strong>. FI's aunt invited FMIL's cousins that we were not intending on inviting, so now we are obliged to. It sucks, and it's costing us a lot of money, but I would feel a lot more awkward uninviting them.
Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]

<div>You're telling me. But it was like, hey, she's here anyway, we can save 88 cents, what's the worst that can happen?</div><div>
</div><div>At least she didn't photocopy it and pass it out to everyone she knows. </div>

chattychiqa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gave-std-someone-isnt-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a33d78b-afec-43f9-991d-95dcaf045453Post:3ef6a74a-5c2d-4aaa-bd3d-5dfa4064a718">Re: FMIL gave StD to someone who isn't invited.</a>:
[QUOTE]Is your FMIL Filipino? Because she sounds like my MIL....she threw me a shower and invited over 30 people who I've never heard of, met, or invited to the wedding...it was awkward and irritating...
Posted by TiffannieF[/QUOTE]



Oy. My ex husband was 1/4 Filipino. I hear you.

jsleik

Yeah, I agree, it is too late to undo this one.  I'd just invite the couple, no kids.  And if you really can't afford them, ask you FMIL.  I'd be very careful with her about your invitations!!

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gave-std-someone-isnt-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a33d78b-afec-43f9-991d-95dcaf045453Post:99ec13cc-d191-476d-be11-29a9f1e6f6c1">Re: FMIL gave StD to someone who isn't invited.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL gave StD to someone who isn't invited. : You're telling me. But it was like, hey, she's here anyway, we can save 88 cents, what's the worst that can happen? At least she didn't photocopy it and pass it out to everyone she knows. 
Posted by meg65[/QUOTE]

It was probably 4 or 5 years ago, but we had a bride whose FMIL photocopied the invitation and mailed a bunch of them out to her friends.  Any "seasoned" knotties remember that one?

OP - I think your FMIL should be writing the check for those guests and the kids should not be invited.