Is it okay to split a family?

mintberry

Hi Ladies! I have a question that I need some advice on...
I am having a "no kids under 13" ceremony & reception.  The only weird situation that this causes is with a family who has a 9 year old daughter and a 20 year old son. I want to invite the son because he is one of my brother's best friends. Is it okay to invite the parents and son, but not the daughter? Thanks!

unchatenfrance

Have you ever tried explaining to a 9-year-old why Mommy, Daddy and Big Brother can go to a wedding but she can't because she's not invited?

You can go ahead and split them, but be prepared for the fact that none of them will come.

KatWAG

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:d6d0a32f-0726-4d8a-8068-65a722b2c968">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you ever tried explaining to a 9-year-old why Mommy, Daddy and Big Brother can go to a wedding but she can't because she's not invited? <strong>You can go ahead and split them, but be prepared for the fact that none of them will come.
</strong>Posted by unchatenfrance[/QUOTE]

This is bad advice. Splitting families is rude.

freebread03

Does the 20 year old still live at home?  If yes, I think it would be pretty crummy to split up the family.  If he lives on his own, then I think you have a little more flexibility...but I'd still err on the side of caution and invite the 9 year old too.

SmallenForever

Why would you even think of doing that? Invite the kid too. 

Jen4948

Will there be other children about the age of the 9 year old there?  If so, I'd invite her.  In that instance, it wouldn't make sense to me to split up the family.

But I think that with that big an age gap between the kids, there are probably some instances where it wouldn't make sense to invite them both just to avoid splitting them up.  They probably experience that on a regular basis.  If she would be the only kid there, this might be one of them.

mintberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:ad7058ff-74a4-4e4d-aee7-7c38bedb18d7">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why would you even think of doing that? Invite the kid too. 
Posted by SmallenForever[/QUOTE]


I would think of doing it because if I invite one 9 year old (who isn't family) then I have to invite every 9 year old who is or isn't family, and I was hoping to avoid that. Thanks for all the advice so far!

MrsGandthebeag

13 is a very odd cutoff.  Why not do 18 or 21?  I think if you have a more clear age cut off like 18 (adult) or 21 (drinking age) you can split a family with a 9 year old.  

sarabellam

In Response to Re: Is it okay to split a family?:
[QUOTE]Have you ever tried explaining to a 9-year-old why Mommy, Daddy and Big Brother can go to a wedding but she can't because she's not invited? You can go ahead and split them, but be prepared for the fact that none of them will come.
Posted by unchatenfrance[/QUOTE]

That's a load of crap. At 20 years old, Big Brother is an adult. Adults get to do things that children don't.  I have NO problems explaining to either of my children why I am going to an event and they weren't invited. A 9 year-old is plenty old enough to understand that, and if they don't, it is a parenting (or lack thereof) issue.

Maggie0829

Well even if the 20 year old still lives at home he should be getting his own invitation separate from his parents since he is an adult.

I think you only inviting the parents and the one adult child is perfectly fine.  Now if it were a case of one kid was 14 and the other was 9 then I could see where an issue may arise.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:421f3a90-923b-4a66-8b73-db49a1c93c64">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well even if the 20 year old still lives at home he should be getting his own invitation separate from his parents since he is an adult.<strong> I think you only inviting the parents and the one adult child is perfectly fine.  Now if it were a case of one kid was 14 and the other was 9 then I could see where an issue may arise.</strong>
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

This. I totally agree. The 20 year old should get his own invitation. He is also considered an adult. So I would have no qualms about inviting the parents and their adult child. The 9 year old is definitely a child and a different story. I think if older brother was 13 or 14, you'd have a different situation on your hands.

unchatenfrance

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:7efe5677-913c-48ce-929e-029f45c50d54">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it okay to split a family? : That's a load of crap. At 20 years old, Big Brother is an adult. Adults get to do things that children don't.  I have NO problems explaining to either of my children why I am going to an event and they weren't invited. A 9 year-old is plenty old enough to understand that, and if they don't, it is a parenting (or lack thereof) issue. Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE] A-effing-men.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

<div>OK, my bad. I come from a culture where child-free weddings are a foreign concept. </div>

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:b73214a9-d6ed-4f4a-9b4b-dd06118bb068">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it okay to split a family? : A-effing-men. Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE] OK, my bad. I come from a culture where child-free weddings are a foreign concept. 
Posted by unchatenfrance[/QUOTE]

Do you come from a culture where child-free anything is a foreign concept? 

Honestly, kids are not special little snowflakes that can't be left out of anything because it might hurt their teeny-tiny feelings.  Parents need to learn to teach their children that not everything revolves around them and that sometimes you don't always get what you want.

unchatenfrance

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:a4415091-af57-4af6-b49c-040c40accde9">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]IDo you come from a culture where child-free anything is a foreign concept?  Honestly, kids are not special little snowflakes that can't be left out of anything because it might hurt their teeny-tiny feelings.  Parents need to learn to teach their children that not everything revolves around them and that sometimes you don't always get what you want.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No, just child-free weddings, but thanks for the parenting advice. I'm not a kid person but the thought of inviting someone to bring their teenager to a wedding and leave their grade-schooler at home is just mind-boggling.

</div>

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:781ce5ec-62ae-4cef-b9c9-5b07de09420a">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it okay to split a family? : No, just child-free weddings, but thanks for the parenting advice. I'm not a kid person but the thought of inviting someone to bring their teenager to a wedding and leave their grade-schooler at home is just mind-boggling.
Posted by unchatenfrance[/QUOTE]

Some grade-schoolers are just not mature enough to handle the behavior requirements at weddings.  They can't or won't sit still, keep quiet, and refrain from acting out during the ceremony.  If that's the case, then they don't belong at a wedding-regardless of how big the family is.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:781ce5ec-62ae-4cef-b9c9-5b07de09420a">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it okay to split a family? : No, just child-free weddings, but thanks for the parenting advice. I'm not a kid person but the thought of inviting someone to bring their teenager to a wedding and leave their grade-schooler at home is just mind-boggling.
Posted by unchatenfrance[/QUOTE]

Did you not read the OP?  The poster is inviting a 20 year old adult and his parents and would like to not invite their 9 year old daughter.  There is a big difference in inviting the parents and their grown adult son (who would receive a separate invite) and separating a family because their one kid who is 14 (made that age up as an example) is over the "age cut-off line" but their 9 year old isn't.

wrigleyville

The age difference definitely gives you a pass. A 20-year old is well into college/adulthood and would receive their own invitation, even if they were still living at home. I don't think of a 20-year old as "so and so's child", unlike a 9-year old.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:d6d0a32f-0726-4d8a-8068-65a722b2c968">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you ever tried explaining to a 9-year-old why Mommy, Daddy and Big Brother can go to a wedding but she can't because she's not invited? You can go ahead and split them, but be prepared for the fact that none of them will come.
Posted by unchatenfrance[/QUOTE]

That's kind of a dumb argument. Adults are inviting to things all the time that kids can't go to. A 9 year old is aware that her brother, who is more than twice her age, gets to do things like, I don't know, stay home alone overnight or drive or go places alone or vote.

Fair doesn't mean equal.

In this case, I'm fine with it, although if you can make an exception for the 9 year old, it would be nice. If the kids were, say, 11 and 14, that would be different. The kids you are talking about are practically a generation apart.

PJSPJS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:6c4a0341-c0b4-48ca-834f-c8ee232ff0cd">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]The age difference definitely gives you a pass. A 20-year old is well into college/adulthood and would receive their own invitation, even if they were still living at home. I don't think of a 20-year old as "so and so's child", unlike a 9-year old.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]
This.

Cortney1982

In this situation yes.  The 20 year old is an adult and the child is well under the cut off age.  And at 9 years old I am sure this kid has friends to have a sleepover with while the parents enjoy a night out.

Gustafson28

Maybe one of the families involved is Jewish? At 13 you technically become a man or woman if you are practicing.. Not sure if OP wanted to respect this or not.. I'm Jewish but still find 13 to be an odd age...

But to answer your question, you are fine to "split" them up. Just send the 20 y/o their own invitations. I'd make sure to find out if he is in a relationship as well though.. Just a thought!

DMoore421

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:ae5ba407-9d27-477b-be5d-bba6de1d6b98">Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Ladies! I have a question that I need some advice on... I am having a "no kids under 13" ceremony & reception.  The only weird situation that this causes is with a family who has a 9 year old daughter and a 20 year old son. I want to invite the son because he is one of my brother's best friends. Is it okay to invite the parents and son, but not the daughter? Thanks!
Posted by mintelis[/QUOTE]

I think regardless of where the older one lives- he is an adult - and him being invited really has no bearing at all on the younger one....

Simply Fated

13 is a common age in my area. It's the age most Jewish boys and girls have their bar or bat mitzvah. Sometimes a 12 year old will be given an exception if they're studying for their ceremony. 11 year olds and under don't care enough to get butthurt over it, even if their siblings get to go and they have to stay home. All that means is that they have less people to fight with over the tv.

Also, it's the first year of being a teenager. I know that people don't magically mature from 12 to 13 overnight, but the same could be said for the 21 cut off. A 20 year old can't drink, but not all 21 year olds want to drink. I don't see the difference, unless the venue charges more for people who are 21 and over.

ETA: I'm not advcocating using 13 as a cut-off age, I'm just explaining that while it seems like a random number, there is a reason behind it, even if the reason is lousy. In the end, it's just a number and most younger siblings understand that they can't go everywhere their older siblings get to go and vice versa.

[Deleted User]

As long as you're not inviting any other kids who are 9, I think it's fine. The only way I see issues or hurt feelings is if this 9yo isn't invited, and the parents/brother get there and see a bunch of other kids running around.

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:85f2c6c7-09e6-4482-a739-e2d0727abcd5">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it okay to split a family? : Exaggeration maybe -- criminal charges?  Unless it can be shown that the couple were DIRECTLY responsible for the kid having a drink, <strong>its on the bartender</strong>.   Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

It depends on the state laws and the contract the couple signs.

Calypso1977

my sister and i are 8 years apart - i remember a few events over my childhood where my sister was allowed to go and i wasnt (i stayed home with my grandma).  i think its ok, particularly if you issue teh 20 year old his own invite, separate from his parents (which is proper as he is over 18).

OwningAHome1981

 A bartender may have served the parents though who then allowed their minor child to have a few sips. Now my parents never did that but some parents are more lax about alcohol than others. It's not the bartenders fault nor the bride & groom's in that scenario.

VJones1981

I know this is off the topic of the original post, but the alcohol issue really depends on the laws of the state. I am a bartender in Delaware and we do not have dram shop laws here, meaning the place I work would not be held criminally liable if someone left our establishment and caused damage or injury. We could, however be held liable in civil court. Also, if I were to be observed serving a minor by police, I would be arrested because it is illegal to serve alcohol to minors. My employer could also have their liquor license susspended or revoked for the reason.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-okay-to-split-a-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1a903520-5118-4362-8d22-71c7d95aa249Post:14986641-57f0-4cb1-8411-0db7282f73a8">Re: Is it okay to split a family?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it okay to split a family? : You're comparing Apples and Ford Pickup Trucks here. It's not about being over 21 meaning you want to drink.  It's about being UNDER 21 and sneaking a drink at a wedding making the couple that is hosting LEGALLY LIABLE.  If a 20 year old has a single drink of alcohol and later gets into a carwreck and kills someone (regardless of whether or not it was due to intoxication), the couple can find themselves facing criminal charges.  Not quite the same thing as saying "13 year olds are okay, but 12 year olds aren't".
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Obviously it would depend on what the laws are in your area.

Either way, I would personally not care if I was a kid and told I was too young to attend a wedding, but if I was an adult and told that I couldn't be trusted to not drink alcohol for one night, I would be insulted. Especially if my 21st birthday was, like, one month away or something.