Wedding Party - out of country BM

krose83013

My FI and I are getting married August 31, 2013. So we have just under 11 months to go. So far I have 3 confirmed bridesmaids, my sister, my best friend, and my FSIL. I asked another close gf to be in the wedding party but she lives in Germany (born and raised there, we met on an exchange program and have been friends for 7 years).

So here's the dilemma my friend from Germany hasn't confirmed that she will be able to attend the wedding. She was just in the states for 2 months over the summer, she was with when I went wedding dress shopping and everything. I'm not sure what to do about this, because the other bridesmaids are ready to go dress shopping for themselves. To be I'm not in a rush and I'm fine with waiting until Jan/Feb to go. So my question is to I just hold out until she confirms? Or do I say I need to know by XYZ date? 

The other thing is that my FI was curious as well because he can't determine his GM until he knows for sure whose going to be a BM. To me it's okay if we have odd numbers, but he's in the same situation as I am. He wants his 3 best friends, my brother (who is in Afghanistan and isn't sure if he'll be home for the wedding) and my sisters boyfriend (who is also in afghanistan but due home in March 2013). 

So either way we both have 3 for BM and GM we just aren't sure what to do about our out of country guests.

Thanks!

crash2729

The other girls can go BM dress shopping if they want. 

Have your FI pick the people to be in the WP that he wants. Sides don't have to be even. 

I would just bring it up again "Hey, I was just curious if you were going to be able to be in town for the wedding?"

Loopyseven

Have your FI ask who he wants.  If the sides end up with different numbers of people on them, that's okay.

I'd bring it up with your friend again - hey, I was just wondering if you'd had a chance to think about being a BM in my wedding yet.  We're really hoping you can make it.. blah, blah, blah...

lauralaur

Do you want everyone in the same dress or would you be OK with different dresses? If they were all in different dresses, you could tell everyone a color, fabric and length and have them go shopping, then that way the three that want to start looking now could and it wouldn't impact the potential fourth.

I don't think it would hurt to bring it up to her again, whether or not she thinks she'll be able to make it.

RebeccaB88

I think it's entirely possible that she won't know if she can attend until closer to the wedding, so she doesn't want to commit right now.  I'd go ahead and plan with what you have, and if she can be there, she will be.  Choosing your attendants has no impact on your FI choosing his.  Ask who you want and you will have whomever can be there.  Maybe the sides will be even, maybe not, but that doesn't matter. 

Also, I know European wedding traditions are different than American ones, so your friend may not know about the matching dresses thing.  I think it's common in Europe to have only one attendant, or mostly child attendants.  (But I could be wrong here.)  She may not know about how you order bridesmaid's dresses, get fitted, etc.  You don't need to start shopping for their dresses until about 4 to 6 months ahead of time anyway, so you can wait until after the first of the year to worry about that.

harper0813

Funny, I have a German girl-friend who I'm having a different type of bridesmaid issue with!

If she agreed to be a bridesmaid, I think it's safe to say she's planning on flying over (since being a bridesmaid requires attending the wedding ). Maybe give it another couple months, maybe wait until December or January or so to see if she confirms or follow up with her. Since she'll need to have the dress shipped out of country plus alterations, it makes sense to know this in advance if she'll be there.

And as other posters said, I agree that your fiance does not need to have an even number - but if he insists (as my fiance is!) he can always add on someone in December. There's no need to tell everyone who's in your party just yet so that you make the "add-ons" feel bad. 

And congratulations!

LondonLisa

Hi Ladies,

I agree that numbers needn't to be even. Have the people that you care about there and everything else will work out.

However, I live in Europe and there might just be a few cultural things here that you may not be aware of:
- Rebecca is right, there usually aren't as many attendants as in American weddings. But 3/4 is hardly unseen.  
- In the UK, and I'm pretty sure in continental Europe as well, the Bride pays for the dresses/shoes etc for the attendants.
- Bridal showers are a VERY North American tradition (just a cultural differance) and rarely done, so she might not even be aware that there are pre-wedding parties. There are Hen-dos (bachelorette parties) but not as many gift giving parties.

The bottom line is, if you want her to be standing up for you, then have her in the wedding. If you don't, then invite her as a guest. But, if she is paying roughly £600 ($1000) on plane tickets for your wedding, it might be nice to pay for her dress, especially as this might be a spot of culture shock when she is asked to pay for it. Again, this is just a cultural difference, no judgement either way.

Hope it all works out.

krose83013

Sorry for the delayed response, I'm away on a business trip.

But a huge thanks for all the help. We've got 10+ months til the wedding, so I'll table it for now and touch base with her again later. I mean they looked at dresses when I bought my wedding dress but they didn't try anything on. But I had mentioned that I would need her measurements so that I could order her dress when the time came. They don't have to match, it's whatever they are more comfortable in and like when we go looking.

I think either way it will be an awesome time, I just hope she can come because she's a wonderful friend to me and my FI. 

Thanks again!

krose83013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-out-of-country-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b0bd828-fe8e-4274-b6e2-d96e47e6d3a4Post:a78575f9-c22e-4642-a521-9ae57de825ff">Re: Wedding Party - out of country BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Ladies, I agree that numbers needn't to be even. Have the people that you care about there and everything else will work out. However, I live in Europe and there might just be a few cultural things here that you may not be aware of: - Rebecca is right, there usually aren't as many attendants as in American weddings. But 3/4 is hardly unseen.   - In the UK, and I'm pretty sure in continental Europe as well, the Bride pays for the dresses/shoes etc for the attendants. - Bridal showers are a VERY North American tradition (just a cultural differance) and rarely done, so she might not even be aware that there are pre-wedding parties. There are Hen-dos (bachelorette parties) but not as many gift giving parties. The bottom line is, if you want her to be standing up for you, then have her in the wedding. If you don't, then invite her as a guest. But, if she is paying roughly £600 ($1000) on plane tickets for your wedding, it might be nice to pay for her dress, especially as this might be a spot of culture shock when she is asked to pay for it. Again, this is just a cultural difference, no judgement either way. Hope it all works out.
Posted by LondonLisa[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>By the way I already told her I would buy the dress. So that should be a non-issue. And we weren't expecting her to fly over for every event, just the wedding would be awesome. When she was here she was trying to work out another aupair deal in MD so that she could be here for 2 months (mid July - mid Sept). Which would be great for her because they pay for her flight with their miles, so basically a free trip for her.</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks again.

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