Do I have to pay?

Epiphany1031

I also posted this in the Bridal Party board, I hope that's okay.


I am a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding in August. She lives in NJ, I'm in CA. Because of the distance, I am unfortunately unable to attend the bridal shower.
Am I still required to pay my share of the expenses for the bridal shower?

I am concerned as it is seeming to be quite expensive. There are 60 people invited at almost $30 a head, plus a candy bar, cake ,the $ for invitations, decorations, etc. I didn't have any input in the planning whatsoever, as I am the only one that is far away (the MOH and other BM's have been planning this whole thing). I haven't been asked to pay just yet, but the emails between the BM's (I'm on the email stream) are beginning to be about $ and dividing it up.

What is the etiquette on this? Am I required to pay?

Thanks in advance.

JordynLeighx3

I would say no. To my knowledge they never consulted you beforehand asking if you'd be willing to contribute and if so how much.

Epiphany1031

No, there was never any talk about hosting. They just started planning it all. Budget was never discussed either.

Simply Fated

"I didn't have any input in the planning whatsoever"

If you pay, you have a say. So if you do end up offering some money, then let them know that, "I can offer up X amount for X."

You don't have to pay for anything, though. Being a bridesmaid is an honour, and it doesn't mean you have to pay for stuff you have zero say in.

ootmother2

No, you don't HAVE to but as a bridesmaid, you should offer to contribute

Ali092011

If you can swing it financially, I think it's a nice gesture. If not, they can't be upset if they didn't consult with you beforehand. When I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding, the MOH asked from the start if we would like to host with her and how much we could contribute, if anything. THEN she started making plans. It was inconsiderate of the MOH and BM in your case to plan the whole thing and then ask you to contribute. That said, it's not worth causing a stir. I'd contribute if you can afford it and want to, and decline graciously if you can't or feel strongly against it.

ETA: I didn't read your post correctly and assumed they had asked you for $ already. I wouldn't worry about it until they actually do, and then my advice hasn't changed.

2012FutureMrsB

I was a BM for my sister's wedding and was in the same boat as you. When I arrived for the wedding weekend, I gave the MOH $20 and said it was to help with the bridal shower, since I wasn't able to help plan it. She never asked me for money, but was very appreciative of my contribution. If you want to contribute, you could do something similar; otherwise, don't offer anything and don't feel guilty either.

Mirahbelle4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-have-to-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b543904-a70c-40e2-ae85-cbfc914b1c7aPost:009c75ef-4462-479d-85d6-69b305d98869">Re: Do I have to pay?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you can swing it financially, I think it's a nice gesture. If not, they can't be upset if they didn't consult with you beforehand. When I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding, the MOH asked from the start if we would like to host with her and how much we could contribute, if anything. THEN she started making plans. It was inconsiderate of the MOH and BM in your case to plan the whole thing and then ask you to contribute. That said, it's not worth causing a stir. I'd contribute if you can afford it and want to, and decline graciously if you can't or feel strongly against it. ETA: I didn't read your post correctly and assumed they had asked you for $ already. I wouldn't worry about it until they actually do, and then my advice hasn't changed. :)
Posted by Ali092011[/QUOTE]<div>This. If they do ask for money and if you want to help out, then contribute what YOU can comfortably afford, not the amount that they ask for. It was very inconsiderate of them to plan it this way.

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jessicabessica

Well, are they copying you on the emails as a courtesy, or because they think you're helping?  They may be assuming that you're contributing, and you haven't said anything in the email chain because you think everything they have said is great.  I would have said right away that you would not be attending and you would be happy to contribute $x amount or you would not be able to contribute financially.  It's wrong for them to assume you're contributing or how much you can contribute, but I would clarify for them in case they didn't think about it and are just assuming you will pay--why not try to avoid that conflict.

wadingmoose

I'd say you're included in the emails because you're expected to be having input - in other words, if you thought things were getting out of control re: spending, you should have and could have said something - and that you may be expected to pay.

It's probably something I would've cleared up early in the process.  Communication is good.

bonge

that sounds like a wedding to me. A bunch of un necesary expenses that i would do without.