Money issue with the Father - need advice

liz.baker587

For starter's my parents are divorced and the way they have chosen to split the bill is dad is paying for the reception and my mom is paying for the ceremony/flowers/cake/dress. When I was engaged 6 months ago, my father gave me a budget for the reception and if I went over I would pay the difference. Since that day, we have booked the venue which includes catering and it is under that said budget (whew!). Now, 6 months later, my dad has decided to change that budget (by about 5 grand less ) and is expecting us to pick up whatever he doesnt feel like paying that day when all the final payment is due. What would you do in this situation. As mad as I am and as much as I want to yell at him, he still is (supposedly) picking up the tab on some of it so I am grateful. But how can you tell him that that is totally wrong of him to do in a nice way? I'm losing faith in him and am scared that when my final payment is due (30 days before the wedding) that he is not going to pay it. It is totally stressing me out. What would you do in this situation. Thanks knotties!!!

microkelly

I don't think you can actually TELL him it's not right but I think you can show him. Maybe he's having financial troubles you are unaware of. Maybe you could ask him what you suggest you do since you planned the guest list ect. on the budgeted amount.

aMrsin09

Well you have enough time to try to save up the short fall or work a 2nd job to earn the shortfall.  You can also scale back the reception and guest list to fit the new numbers.  By that I mean less expensive linens, skip the chair covers, skip favors, have chicken instead of filet, go from 100 to 75 guests, etc.

You also have the option of telling your dad to keep all the money and have the reception that you can afford.

vegasgroom

I think your concern is valid and you do need to talk to him.  You've been planning your wedding like you had cash in the bank, which you effectively did since you were relying on his word that he'd be paying X amount of dollars, and now he's forcing you to change from cash to credit if you don't have the cash for what you've already committed to, or didn't want to spend that amount of your own money should the budget drop further. 

All depends on how you interact with your parents but I'd also be pretty pissed off and would make sure my dad knew I was pissed if I had signed contracts and obligated myself to spending a certain amount based on what he had told me and then changed later.  And now that he has done that, you're left with a low level of confidence that it won't change further, which means you may have to radically change your plans.  I'd ask for the amount he's still willing to pay up front, and if he's not willing to accommodate, you should probably either make a decision as to whether you're willing to put what you had planned on credit (if you don't have the cash and he doesn't come through with any or all), or decide if you're willing to spend the amount everything will cost (if you do have the cash) versus scaling back now while you still can.

Calumet

Just warning you... people are going to tear you up for this question.

It does suck to have someone go back on a promise especially where money is involved. But it sounds like he may back out on you. Ask him if he is absolutely sure about the amount he promised this time, that you won't be upset AT ALL, but you need to know because you promised people this money, and you would rather  fix it now than have EITHER of you in debt later.

Then figure out what you can afford, and plan accordingly, Sorry if that means starting over, or losing deposits.

And "figuring it out" does not keeping everything the same, but uninviting some people.

liz.baker587

I think my best bet is so have the cash on hand (mine of course) and if he ends up paying what he said he would - great, extra cash for the honeymoon. If he doesn't then I will have it there and know that the reception is taken care of.

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issue-father-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b739ad4-2286-4e37-93bb-4512a5b5f84dPost:9d9cfaaf-730b-444b-bd06-bd81f28df47c">Re: Money issue with the Father - need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I think my best bet is so have the cash on hand (mine of course) and if he ends up paying what he said he would - great, extra cash for the honeymoon. If he doesn't then I will have it there and know that the reception is taken care of.
Posted by liz.baker587[/QUOTE]

That's exactly what you do. It's crappy of your dad to cut your budget like that, after it sounds like you made the effort to stay within his budget. However, I think this is a lesson to learn that money isn't yours until it's in your hand.

banana468

I think it's a crappy thing for him to do.  My parents paid for our reception and his parents paid for several vendors.  We went with this trusting our parents at their word - they'd never failed us before.  Unless this is a pattern of behavior for him, I think you have every right to be frustrated.

BUT, I wouldn't say anything.  Just a, "OK, we'll take care of the difference," is all you can get. 

Lisa8888

It is disappointing but he still is paying a lot of money. Did he explain the reason for less money?  I don't think you should complain to him about it. Appreciate what he is doing for you.

I don't think this means that he won't come through with the rest of the money.

If you are that concerned, have your own money on hand to pay for everything in case he doesn't come through.

APW2010

This is tricky because it depends on the relationship you have with him. Whatever you do, don't yell at him!! But if you are close and open with him, definitely have a chat about what happened, and make sure he is still committed to paying the other amount. Make sure he knows the dates and amounts due that he has committed for. And also make sure he understands that you have already set the guest list and signed contracts based on this amount - men often think things are a lot more last minute than they are, knowing the men in my life he could think that you still haven't made committments based on the amount he told you.

Bottom line, whether you talk to him about it or not, be kind and understanding when you do see him, and be ready to pay for everything yourself just in case.

liz.baker587

Thanks for the advice guys!!! I think the part that was the most frustrating is that he is the one that looked over the contract and signed it knowing the minimums charges and whatnot. I'll take "his word" for what his new amount is but will also be prepared if he decides to back out at the last moment. I'm sure he doen't remember the due date so I'm going to tell him its a month earlier than it actually is so that I am niot scambling and freaking out when it is getting closer to the day. Do you think that would be wrong of me? Its not a bad lie but I need to make sure I keeo my sanity as well...lol

jayjoe

Nope, not a bad lie, you have to protect yourself. I hate when people do that My husbands parents told us they were giving us a certain amount. I very wisely followed some advice and planned the wedding like we werent getting that amount because at the last minute we were told this "do you like the new door and paint job our house has? I'm so glad because we spent the money we told you guys you were getting on it." Nice. But we had planned for that so we were fine.

liz.baker587

Thats similiar to my story,,,,mine was oh I bought a 3000.00 dollar new range for the kitchen and a 1500.00 stove and a new fridge....come on! My jaw definately dropped.

aMrsin09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issue-father-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b739ad4-2286-4e37-93bb-4512a5b5f84dPost:306966dd-8057-4b28-b839-b04285504c93">Re: Money issue with the Father - need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Wat a minute!  HE signed the contract with the venue?  Does the amount he now is offering cover this?  If he signed a legal contract, then he is obligated to pay, no matter what he promised you.  You might just let the venue handle this.  They have lawyers that will opoint out his legal obligation!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

If he is the one who signed the cotract, he didn't leave YOU in a bind, he created a financial obligation mess for HIMSELF. 

Lisa8888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issue-father-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b739ad4-2286-4e37-93bb-4512a5b5f84dPost:306966dd-8057-4b28-b839-b04285504c93">Re: Money issue with the Father - need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Wat a minute!  HE signed the contract with the venue?  Does the amount he now is offering cover this?  If he signed a legal contract, then he is obligated to pay, no matter what he promised you.  You might just let the venue handle this.  They have lawyers that will opoint out his legal obligation!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]


Except for the fact that most venues want payment in full prior to the actual reception. So if payment is not made in full, the venue will not allow the reception to take place. The venue will not go forward and fight in out in court.

liz.baker587

This is true BUT it is my wedding and I don't want to cause a legal mess for him. We do have a pretty good relationship that is at times rocky and I think this would totally shatter what little we have. I'm thinking that he doesn' t have the decency to at least give me advance notice that he is not paying then he can deal with the repurcussions of it. But if he gives me reasonable amount of time then I will take care of it and save what relationship that we have.

melliott09

I think that even with him signing the contract, regardless of whether he is in financial  distress or not, you need to cover the difference. Otherwise it will put a strain on your relationship.

It does suck that he is more or less backing out of what he told you, and if the money is going to be hard to come up with, I would suggest maybe talking to your FIL's to see if they can help out short term, may like a "loan". Otherwise, scale back on what you can in order to make ends meet.