Wedding Etiquette Forum

Need Advise

I am the mother of the groom.  This is a very unusual situation and any advice would be helpful.  My son is getting married in a few months. Everything was fine until a few months ago when he had a falling out with this brother over his brother's business (not the groom's).  I was informed that his brother was not going to get an invite to the wedding.  I was shocked that they would actually do such a thing.  After a big upset and very heated family discussion they gave in but said that he would be seated in a corner of the room.  I had to involve the mother of the bride because not only was I sick and extremely upset over the whole siituation as were alot of other people in our family.  The MOB assured me that my son would be invited and seated with his family.  My son (the groom) also had a falling out with one of his first cousins and she and her husband were not going to get invited but my sister and her other children were.  It's an awful, awful situation.  We got thru that, but now my son and future daughter in law are giving me the cold shoulder and hardly talking to me.  I had no say in the guest list for our side of the family and that turned into a disaster also.  4th cousins got invited instead of 2nd cousins.  Two 2nd cousins got invited but other ones didn't.  We were not allowed to invite any of our lifelong close friends because according to the bride and groom they were not important to them.  All I was told is that this was "their day" and they were going to do it their way!!  They wanted to invite who they wanted and did not care about our feelings or opinions on the subject whatsoever.  Not only that but my son (whom the groom is on the outs with) is not allowed to take a guest, my sister is not allowed to take a guest as is my mother, and other close relatives.  I have neices and nephews who can take a guest but the ones I have mentioned above cannot.  I can't make any rhyme or reason out of it.  I've been told to worry abou the WHD and my dress and NOTHING else.  I do not even know who's in the wedding party execpt my 16 year old nephew.  The groom has 2 brother and they are not in the wedding party.  The bride and groom are being spiteful, rude, inconsiderate and selfish let alone respect is out the window.  I was so close with them before all this and now I've had the door slammed on my face and I'm being treated like dog crap by the both of them. There's so much more to this, but I just can't get into all of it.  I'm trying to go out of my way to be nice, but it's just not working.  I only was peace, harmony and happiness in my family.  I've tried talking to the bride's parents, but all they can see is that their daughter is happy and that's all that matters to them.  I don't look forward to this wedding and if I could stay home that day, I would. I've cried my eyes out about it and have gone thru many sleepless nights.   Does anyone have any words of comfort for me to help me get thru this.  I just don't know what to do!!!

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Re: Need Advise

  • I can't even read this because of lack of paragraphs, but I think you're talking about guest list.

    Sure, should they have given you an opinon on the guest list?  To be polite, yes.  Unless you are paying, they really don't have to ask you anything.  But if I've waited through that wrong, you need to separate out gigantor paragraph into something readable.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:9f916079-b1d1-4171-9e93-110b43fbde5f">Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am the mother of the groom.  This is a very unusual situation and any advice would be helpful.  My son is getting married in a few months. Everything was fine until a few months ago when he had a falling out with this brother over his brother's business (not the groom's).  I was informed that his brother was not going to get an invite to the wedding.  I was shocked that they would actually do such a thing.  After a big upset and very heated family discussion they gave in but said that he would be seated in a corner of the room.  I had to involve the mother of the bride because not only was I sick and extremely upset over the whole siituation as were alot of other people in our family.  The MOB assured me that my son would be invited and seated with his family.  My son (the groom) also had a falling out with one of his first cousins and she and her husband were not going to get invited but my sister and her other children were.  It's an awful, awful situation.  We got thru that, but now my son and future daughter in law are giving me the cold shoulder and hardly talking to me.  I had no say in the guest list for our side of the family and that turned into a disaster also.  4th cousins got invited instead of 2nd cousins.  Two 2nd cousins got invited but other ones didn't.  We were not allowed to invite any of our lifelong close friends because according to the bride and groom they were not important to them.  All I was told is that this was "their day" and they were going to do it their way!!  They wanted to invite who they wanted and did not care about our feelings or opinions on the subject whatsoever.  Not only that but my son (whom the groom is on the outs with) is not allowed to take a guest, my sister is not allowed to take a guest as is my mother, and other close relatives.  I have neices and nephews who can take a guest but the ones I have mentioned above cannot.  I can't make any rhyme or reason out of it.  I've been told to worry abou the WHD and my dress and NOTHING else.  I do not even know who's in the wedding party execpt my 16 year old nephew.  The groom has 2 brother and they are not in the wedding party.  The bride and groom are being spiteful, rude, inconsiderate and selfish let alone respect is out the window.  I was so close with them before all this and now I've had the door slammed on my face and I'm being treated like dog crap by the both of them. There's so much more to this, but I just can't get into all of it.  I'm trying to go out of my way to be nice, but it's just not working.  I only was peace, harmony and happiness in my family.  I've tried talking to the bride's parents, but all they can see is that their daughter is happy and that's all that matters to them.  I don't look forward to this wedding and if I could stay home that day, I would. I've cried my eyes out about it and have gone thru many sleepless nights.   Does anyone have any words of comfort for me to help me get thru this.  I just don't know what to do!!!
    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]
    Who is paying for the wedding? 
  • I am sorry that your son and his bride are being so selfish and inconsiderate.  There is so much wrong with this, etiquette-wise, that I don't even know where to begin.

    Also, what is the WHD?  Is that a fancy acronym for the rehearsal dinner?  Because if I was the MOG and I was talked to that way, you bet I wouldn't be paying a cent for this wedding.
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  • If the bride & groom are paying. It is their choice. Stay out of it.

    If you are paying, then invite them.

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  • Are you paying for anything in regards to the wedding?  If you are not, then you have zero say in how things are planned. 

    People get wedding crazy and hopefully they can return back to normal after the wedding and they haven't alienated everyone in the process. 

    The guest list should have some consistency to it, I definitely understand where you are coming from.  However, like I said, if you aren't paying for anything then you really have no say and they do not need to inform you of their decisions, or get the ok about it.  They are definitely doing some things wrong, but they're adults and need to live with the decisions they are making. 

    I would definitely stop asking about wedding plans and focus on getting through the wedding day while thinking of the bigger picture.  This is just one day of many, so try not to let it ruin how you feel about your son and his bride. 

    Pick your battles, because it sounds like there are going to be a whole lot of them.
  • It does suck and it does seem like they are being a little selfish but I am sure there is more to the story. But, if you are not paying, unfortunately, you do not have any say in the guest list. They do have a right to invite whoever they want to their wedding, whether it be first cousin or fourth cousin. If the B&G are paying for the wedding themselves, they have every right to pick and choose who they want to invite, and they will deal with the consequences. I think that you should just stay out of it and let them deal with it. People cannot be upset with you for the guest list, they will be upset with the bride & groom.
  • edited May 2011
    Look, you keep talking about the "bride and groom" like you didn't raise one of them. If they are keeping you out of the loop n the wedding planning, maybe you need to step back and figure out why? 
    I'm not saying they aren't dealing with this wrong, but honestly, if they are paying, the guestlist is up to them. If you aren't in a relationship but their cousin is, then their cousin gets a Plus 1 and you don't. It's just the way it is.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:9f916079-b1d1-4171-9e93-110b43fbde5f">Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am the mother of the groom.  This is a very unusual situation and any advice would be helpful.  My son is getting married in a few months. Everything was fine until a few months ago when he had a falling out with this brother over his brother's business (not the groom's).  I was informed that his brother was not going to get an invite to the wedding.  I was shocked that they would actually do such a thing.  After a big upset and very heated family discussion they gave in but said that he would be seated in a corner of the room.  I had to involve the mother of the bride because not only was I sick and extremely upset over the whole siituation as were alot of other people in our family.  The MOB assured me that my son would be invited and seated with his family.

    My son (the groom) also had a falling out with one of his first cousins and she and her husband were not going to get invited but my sister and her other children were.  It's an awful, awful situation.  We got thru that, but now my son and future daughter in law are giving me the cold shoulder and hardly talking to me.

     I had no say in the guest list for our side of the family and that turned into a disaster also.  4th cousins got invited instead of 2nd cousins.  Two 2nd cousins got invited but other ones didn't.  We were not allowed to invite any of our lifelong close friends because according to the bride and groom they were not important to them.  All I was told is that this was "their day" and they were going to do it their way!!  They wanted to invite who they wanted and did not care about our feelings or opinions on the subject whatsoever. 

    Not only that but my son (whom the groom is on the outs with) is not allowed to take a guest, my sister is not allowed to take a guest as is my mother, and other close relatives.  I have neices and nephews who can take a guest but the ones I have mentioned above cannot.  I can't make any rhyme or reason out of it.  I've been told to worry abou the WHD and my dress and NOTHING else. 

    I do not even know who's in the wedding party execpt my 16 year old nephew.  The groom has 2 brother and they are not in the wedding party.  The bride and groom are being spiteful, rude, inconsiderate and selfish let alone respect is out the window.  I was so close with them before all this and now I've had the door slammed on my face and I'm being treated like dog crap by the both of them. There's so much more to this, but I just can't get into all of it.  I'm trying to go out of my way to be nice, but it's just not working.  I only was peace, harmony and happiness in my family.  I've tried talking to the bride's parents, but all they can see is that their daughter is happy and that's all that matters to them. 

    I don't look forward to this wedding and if I could stay home that day, I would. I've cried my eyes out about it and have gone thru many sleepless nights.   Does anyone have any words of comfort for me to help me get thru this.  I just don't know what to do!!!

    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]
  • Sorry for no paragraphs in my message.  The Bride's parent's are paying. 

  • The only thing I really have a comment on is the "lifelong friends" issue. Are these YOUR lifelong friends? If so, do the bride and groom even really know them, or are they close to them? If they are paying, then I can see why they wouldn't want people they hardly know on the guest list. I don't know why you'd get upset over them not wanting your friends there when they could invite their own instead. My mom has lifelong friends I've met maybe once in my life.

    However, if you are paying then all that changes and I'd say they are being brats. Well, they are being bratty anyway with the groom's brother and cousins, but it sounds like he's likely that way wedding or "real life."
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:d0e09501-d335-4702-9385-0e7df6e8b855">Re: Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry for no paragraphs in my message.  The Bride's parent's are paying. 
    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]


    Then my advice to you is to step back and stop concerning yourself with the details. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:d0e09501-d335-4702-9385-0e7df6e8b855">Re: Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry for no paragraphs in my message.  The Bride's parent's are paying. 
    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]


    While they sound pretty bratty, I'm afraid you don't get much of a say because you aren't contributing.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:d0e09501-d335-4702-9385-0e7df6e8b855">Re: Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry for no paragraphs in my message.  The Bride's parent's are paying. 
    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]
    Then sorry Charley :) Not much you can do but show up and smile on your daughters wedding day. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:d0e09501-d335-4702-9385-0e7df6e8b855">Re: Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry for no paragraphs in my message.  The Bride's parent's are paying. 
    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]

    Then you don't really have a say in the guest list, sorry.  That doesn't mean they aren't being rude about the whole thing, but they are probably inviting the people they <em>want</em> there, not the people you think <em>should</em> be there.  I think your best bet is to probably stay out of the planning process and just show up and support your son on his wedding day.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:d0e09501-d335-4702-9385-0e7df6e8b855">Re: Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry for no paragraphs in my message.  The Bride's parent's are paying. 
    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]

    Then you need to back off.

    At the most, just talk to your son & ask nicely once. Then let it go. If you have done that, then no more discussion.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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  • I should be a little more detailed. The Bride's parents are paying for everything except the rehearsal dinner.  I have offered to contribute to the expenses for the wedding, but they said no (politely).  BTW, the bride and groom are 32 & 33 years old. 

    I want to put on a really nice wedding rehearsal dinner, but they keep giving me the cold shoulder.  They talk to me  only when they have to and they are at our house almost everyday because my son (the groom) is fixing up his truck.

    Believe me, I'm at the end of my rope and I'm trying really hard to keep peace. 

  • Then unfortunately there is nothing you can do. And I also agree with Ghoti- you say that they are being spiteful, but clearly some family members have done some things that they are willing to cut ties with them over. If the B&G do not want to repair the relationship, they do not have to. I say just stop worrying yourself with the details and let it go.
  • The life long friends I am talking about are people my son has know for years - they come to most of our cookout and get togethers and visits in between. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:d1aa3742-97c7-47b4-a48e-ea74fb2a79af">Re: Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]I should be a little more detailed. The Bride's parents are paying for everything except the rehearsal dinner.  I have offered to contribute to the expenses for the wedding, but they said no (politely).  BTW, the bride and groom are 32 & 33 years old.  I want to put on a really nice wedding rehearsal dinner, but they keep giving me the cold shoulder.  They talk to me  only when they have to and they are at our house almost everyday because my son (the groom) is fixing up his truck. Believe me, I'm at the end of my rope and I'm trying really hard to keep peace. 
    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]

    Then you can choose not to host the RD. The couple are adults and they have decided (wrong or right) that they will not invite who you think they should. Unfortunately, you do not have much choice. They might have declined your wedding money so they didn't have to invite these people.

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    Married 9/15/11

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  • i'm sorry you feel hurt by your son and his fiancee. It sounds like they are making some etiquette faux-pas. But in all honesty, I feel that you are being extremely rude in running to the bride's mother to talk about it. It's none of her business that you are upset that certain members of your family are not invited. She doesn't know them, she's clearly just happy her daughter is happy.

    The bottom line is that it is your Son's wedding, not yours, and since you are not contributing financially then you have no say in the final guest list. Your feelings on the matter are perfectly valid and I imagine I would be hurt and confused in your position also. But at this point you need to step back and stay out of their business.

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  • edited May 2011
    I'm still wondering about the WHD...what is that and is the OP paying for that?  If she is...if I were her I would pull that money very quickly.  I get meddling and trying to control too much, but if I can't say anything at all without an attitude and disrespect, I wouldn't put one dime towards that wedding.

    The kids sound like tools.  But I do wonder what their side is because it hard to see what their logic is in some of the things they're doing.  While the OP did post a wall of text, I feel like a lot of context and background is missing.

    ETA:  I saw that the OP posted additional details before I posted my comment.  I would say not to host the RD if you don't want to, especially if they're being rude to you.  However, the guest list in particular is up to them, not you, and any relationships they ruin in the process is on them.
  • Like pps said, if you're not paying, you really have no say in who they invite. The best advice I can give you is the same FI and I gave his mom (who fussed about us not inviting some of her friends because she already went over her number of guests she could invite because of limited space and because of things we weren't going to do her way - but WE are paying for the wedding), if anyone has anything to say about how things are done, give them the bride or grooms number/email address/etc.

    It was not your decision to not invite them, so there is no reason for anyone to complain to you or question you. Yea, they are being a little silly about it, but at the end of the day, they are the adults who have to deal with any relationships that are damaged because of their decisions.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:2d2e27a7-8b37-4ba9-88db-6f59dc2bbb21">Re: Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]The life long friends I am talking about are people my son has know for years - they come to most of our cookout and get togethers and visits in between. 
    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]

    Yes but even still, are they YOUR life long friends or theirs? Just because they have known them their whole lives does not mean they like them or particularly want to pay $50+ for them to celebrate with them. There are people that are my parents friends that I am polite with, but in no way my close personal friends that I would want to come to my wedding.

    And for the RD problem, you do not have to host it if they are unwilling. Just go with the flow and try to keep out of it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:2d2e27a7-8b37-4ba9-88db-6f59dc2bbb21">Re: Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]The life long friends I am talking about are people my son has know for years - they come to most of our cookout and get togethers and visits in between. 
    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]

    Sorry but that doesn't change the fact that the brides parents a paying and saying
  • What does your son say about the whole thing? He's who you should be talking to, not us. 
  • You've hit the nail and the head!!  But being the mother, I love all my children and want everyone to get along.  Weddings are suppose to be happy occasions and a time for family and friends to get together , reconnect, be happy and celebrate with the new couple.  These two just don't see it that way - they don't have a clue as to what family is all about - sorry, but that's my opinion.
  • This is a tricky situation.  I think you'll have to let the guest list issues go.  Unfortunately, they have final say on that one.  

    What I would try to do is maybe ask your son and FDIL out to dinner and just kindly explain that you are so excited about this wedding and you would love to know some details.  If you approach it in that way hopefully they will want to share with you and let you in on some of the fun.  Best of luck to you!
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  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    I agree that your son is probably making some poor choices about not inviting family, but those are his decisions, not yours. 

    There were probably a bunch of people H's parents would have liked to invite to our wedding, but as H is in his late-thirties, they were people he hasn't seen in 20 years.  And H's parents weren't hosting the wedding, my parents were.  So a bunch of H's family friends were not invited.  It happens. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:80437782-8338-42eb-8ff6-03a0f2ab8841">Re: Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]You've hit the nail and the head!!  But being the mother, I love all my children and want everyone to get along.  Weddings are suppose to be happy occasions and a time for family and friends to get together , reconnect, be happy and celebrate with the new couple.  These two just don't see it that way - they don't have a clue as to what family is all about - sorry, but that's my opinion.
    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]


    No no no.  They don't have YOUR idea of family and those are very separate issues.  What's coming across to me here is, that you're mad because you haven't been included or that you haven't been able to put YOUR ideas in their wedding. 

    I didn't invite my father's side of the family because I didn't speak to him for many years before he died, and wasn't close to them at all.  It was my decision.

    You need to back way, way off.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b8681f3-102f-4130-8d6b-84411434f4f4Post:80437782-8338-42eb-8ff6-03a0f2ab8841">Re: Need Advise</a>:
    [QUOTE]You've hit the nail and the head!!  But being the mother, I love all my children and want everyone to get along.  Weddings are suppose to be happy occasions and a time for family and friends to get together , reconnect, be happy and celebrate with the new couple.  These two just don't see it that way - they don't have a clue as to what family is all about - sorry, but that's my opinion.
    Posted by Tryingmybest[/QUOTE]

    Yeah I don't know about that. I think it depends on what the brother and cousins did that upset your son so much. I didn't invite certain family members because of things that were done, in no way did that mean I don't know what family is about. And I know many other people in that same situation. But like PP said, there seems to be a lot of background info missing, and that could easily sway my opinion another way.  

    Also, there are many people who probably want to celebrate with the B&G, but they can't possibly invite them all. At some point, you just have to get over the fact that not everyone you want to be there will be invited.
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