Wedding Etiquette Forum

planning drama

We've been engaged just over a year and are trying to set an official date for the wedding. The big issue is all of our family lives in another state and are furious we are not having the wedding "back home". I don't want to have it there for several reasons. They are telling me it's selfish to have it here causing everybody to try and afford to fly, rent a car, and find a hotel. They said it would be cheaper for us to fly back (since its just 2 of us).
My fiance wants to do a destination wedding and our families made it clear they won't come if we do a destination wedding because ther'es no way they could afford that. I really like the destination idea, something unique and all inclusive to do the wedding and honeymoon in the same place. I was looking at flight information and it's the same price to fly to the destination wedding location as it would be for them to fly here. Not sure what to do and very torn. I feel like nobody really cares what I want, and my entire life I've just always been a people pleaser. I'm almost to the point of just the two of us eloping and possibly doing a reception back home later.
Any suggestions on how to deal? I'm already stressed and planning hasn't even begun!

Re: planning drama

  • Who is paying for the wedding?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Keep in mind, you can have your wedding wherever you want it, however, MANY people might miss it then and you will have to accept that without anger...Which do you prefer? more guests at your wedding in your hometown, or many people missing it due to the expense? Only you can answer that.

  • You are not wrong for having the kind of wedding you want.  They are not wrong if they really can't afford to come.

    DH and I had a  similar situation, we choose to have the wedding closer to where everyone live, but it was still 3 hours away from them. (having it where we lived would have cost too much for our guests to attend).   Having our family and friends there was more important to us.

    Only you can answer what is more important to you, them being at your wedding or the location.   Neither one is a wrong answer, you just have to realize there are consequences to either choice.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • hoffsehoffse member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2013
    PP is correct - you can do what you want but it's well within their right to refuse to attend if it's inconvenient or too expensive for them.  FI and I originally wanted our wedding elsewhere, but after thinking about it we went with my parents' suggestion of my hometown for a couple reasons.  1) A big contingency of our guestlist is from there, and we wanted those people to attend; 2) my parents still live there, and they are paying for most of it - my mom is helping a lot with the plans, and that makes it easier on her to meet with vendors, the venue, etc. as needed.  Is it the wedding I always dreamed of in a big cathedral with stained glass windows? No.  But will people actually show up?  Yes.  We had to pick which was more important to us, and ultimately it was a pretty easy choice.  I can almost promise you that by the end of it you will be tired of everything anyway, and getting married in one place versus another isn't likely to make a huge difference in how you feel about getting the show on the road (at least that's been my experience in recent weeks).
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_planning-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1baf8fca-09de-4984-8f36-57b878d8f7a4Post:c3aec1f4-1870-46a0-a378-b327f5dd0b9a">Re: planning drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]Who is paying for the wedding?
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    My Fiance and I are planning to pay for the wedding. Our family won't help if we don't have it back home.
  • Then ditto PPs above. You need to decide which is more important.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I would like for our family to come, and I have considered planing it in our home town..however my fiance's exwife still enjoys making our lives hel (they've been over for yearsl. we are concerned she is going to find a way to ruin the day, and that is the last thing I want to happen. I feel if we have it back home I'll be looking over my shoulder the entire time expecting something to happen.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_planning-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1baf8fca-09de-4984-8f36-57b878d8f7a4Post:79f219ca-8cf2-4cca-830c-9a4ad346f37e">Re: planning drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would like for our family to come, and I have considered planing it in our home town..however my fiance's exwife still enjoys making our lives hel (they've been over for yearsl. we are concerned she is going to find a way to ruin the day, and that is the last thing I want to happen. I feel if we have it back home I'll be looking over my shoulder the entire time expecting something to happen.
    Posted by nichole213[/QUOTE]

    <div>I don't know her, but frankly I feel like if you let her affect you that way she wins.  That's just my $0.02.  Ultimately if it makes you uncomfortable then don't do it there.  But you also can't be mad at people who don't want to travel.  Sorry, but weddings are expensive for guests even when they are local.  Wedding gifts, shower gifts, etc. add up fast.  And when you throw in flights and hotels?  It's ridiculous.  We were invited to a wedding in Charleston over Memorial Day, and while we would love to go we simply can't afford it.  That city over that holiday averages $400/night hotels.  We'd have to fly because of my work, and between flights and hotels we're looking at around $1300-$1500 just to attend, before we give them a gift.  We love them and wish them the best, but it's just not happening for us, and they understand that.  You can't have it both ways, so you're going to have to decide which is more important.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_planning-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1baf8fca-09de-4984-8f36-57b878d8f7a4Post:79f219ca-8cf2-4cca-830c-9a4ad346f37e">Re: planning drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I would like for our family to come</strong>, and I have considered planing it in our home town..however my fiance's exwife still enjoys making our lives hel (they've been over for yearsl. we are concerned she is going to find a way to ruin the day, and that is the last thing I want to happen. I feel if we have it back home I'll be looking over my shoulder the entire time expecting something to happen.
    Posted by nichole213[/QUOTE]

    I'm not sure that your family won't come to wherever you have it. Sure, it might be just your parents or not all of your siblings, but I'm not sure that you'll be alone on your wedding day if you don't do it at home.

    Honestly, because your hometown is STILL on the table your parents might be acting like they won't come if it isn't at home.  I bet if you pick a venue where you are now/destination and start putting down depostis, they'll start visiting Orbitz.com for travel deals.
  • If you are okay with them not coming, then that's fine.  We chose to have our wedding where we live, not where my FI's family lives (about 5 hours away).  My FI's parents were extremely upset that we wouldn't get married where they live because they didn't think a lot of the extended family would come.  My FI was okay if a lot of the family didn't come.  As long as his parents and sister could come, he was just fine.  That was our decision and the consequence is that perhaps we might have a smaller wedding, which I would be thrilled about.

    Btw, I get the ex-wife thing.  It may be really difficult for most people to understand, but I know how nasty divorces can get and how much of a living hell an ex can be.  My father's ex-wife was one for the record books.  My parents did not get married anywhere near where she lived.  It was not worth the aggrivation.  

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_planning-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1baf8fca-09de-4984-8f36-57b878d8f7a4Post:6c51f164-86d5-4c75-b732-fcde245cfd8d">planning drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]We've been engaged just over a year and are trying to set an official date for the wedding. The big issue is all of our family lives in another state and are furious we are not having the wedding "back home". I don't want to have it there for several reasons. They are telling me it's selfish to have it here causing everybody to try and afford to fly, rent a car, and find a hotel. They said it would be cheaper for us to fly back (since its just 2 of us). My fiance wants to do a destination wedding and our families made it clear they won't come if we do a destination wedding because ther'es no way they could afford that. I really like the destination idea, something unique and all inclusive to do the wedding and honeymoon in the same place.<strong> I was looking at flight information and it's the same price to fly to the destination wedding location as it would be for them to fly here.</strong> Not sure what to do and very torn. I feel like nobody really cares what I want, and my entire life I've just always been a people pleaser. I'm almost to the point of just the two of us eloping and possibly doing a reception back home later. Any suggestions on how to deal? I'm already stressed and planning hasn't even begun!
    Posted by nichole213[/QUOTE]

    <div>If they're already showing concern about the cost to travel, then I don't think it will matter that the prices for traveling farther is the same. Also, if you decide to do a DW be prepared that some invited guests may not want to spend their family vacation time that way. I agree with PPs, weigh the options of what you want and how you'll feel if your VIPs wouldn't be able to make it. </div>
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  • MsYeckMsYeck member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    Is paying the way for immediate family an option? I had a cousin rent a oceanfront house in kitty hawk nc that slept 12 for a week for a little over 2k.
  • 1.)Use the money you save by not paying for a destination wedding to hire security for the wedding. 

    2.) Inform security about this ex-wife, and that under no circumstances is she allowed into your wedding/reception

    3.) Enjoy your wedding.

    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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