Guest list worries

harper0813

Hi everyone,

I'm hoping for a few respectful responses to something I've been thinking a lot about recently. I've heard from several other brides that the guest list is the most stressful part of planning a wedding, with the bride and groom plus both sets of parents adding people. They weren't kidding!

My parents are paying for the bulk of the wedding (and the groom's parents are chipping in for the rehearsal dinner and some of the alcohol) and my fiance and I are paying for invitations, photobooth, favors, and most of the decorations. It's really important to my fiance and me that we have a lot of friends at the wedding so that it stays fun doesn't get snoozy on the dance floor by 10 pm. (I've been at one too many family-heavy weddings like that - and we have pretty old families.) Since we're investing in a band, we don't want that money to go to waste. 

Our reception space holds around 180 and our guest list is currently at 200. I have let my parents know, and they just remind me that family is forever and that these friends they're inviting invites them to their kids' weddings. At this point, we're at 80% family/parents friends and 20% friends, and we don't know about 30% of the people who have been invited. Plus, my fiance's family is inviting all living extended-extended family, meaning: great uncles/aunts and parents' cousins. Many of these people have been "marked" as not coming anyway, but I'd hate to invite more than my reception space can hold, just in case. We have had to cut friends off of our list in order to accomodate the older crowd. Additionally, I'm not inviting the majority of my dad's extended family because I'm not very close with many of them.

I risk sounding selfish in posting this, but I'm wondering what other brides have done to alleviate guest list stress. Have you let your families have most of the say in the guest list? Or did you step in an set some guidelines? My wedding isn't until next September, so I still have some time to work on this, but I don't like to step on toes and I want to be respectful of our parents' wishes... but I also want my wedding to be a blast with lots of dancing and fun!

And please be kind - I'm a new bride and every other time I've posted here I've been crucified for something or other. It's not very encouraging and it doesn't make me feel particularly welcome or excited.

Thanks, ladies!

Benny618

My parents and FIs parents are splitting our wedding.  We created our guest list and sent them each a copy.  They also each made their own lists.  Once we had an approx. number, we looked for a venue that would accomodate our guest list.  I always find it strange when brides on here find that their guest list is higher than their venue can hold, since getting an estimated head count was one of the first things we did when beginning to plan our wedding and before we started looking at venues.

I will add that since then, FI started a new job and would like to invite more people.  He was feeling guilty but our parents assured us that it's our wedding, and we should not feel that we need to cut from our list to accomodate for theirs. 

One last thing, unless you have a REALLY boring family I don't see why you are so concerned about the ratio of family to friends.  My family dances and parties all night long at celebrations like weddings!  I would not feel the need to add friends to add fun.

minskat30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-worries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1bfd2ff2-5a40-4fcb-bfb5-bd53bc94f624Post:db692884-dd61-4810-9a09-7b1424ba00a0">Guest list worries</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, I'm hoping for a few respectful responses to something I've been thinking a lot about recently. I've heard from several other brides that the guest list is the most stressful part of planning a wedding, with the bride and groom plus both sets of parents adding people. They weren't kidding! My parents are paying for the bulk of the wedding (and the groom's parents are chipping in for the rehearsal dinner and some of the alcohol) and my fiance and I are paying for invitations, photobooth, favors, and most of the decorations. It's really important to my fiance and me that we have a lot of friends at the wedding so that it stays fun doesn't get snoozy on the dance floor by 10 pm. (I've been at one too many family-heavy weddings like that - and we have pretty old families.) Since we're investing in a band, we don't want that money to go to waste.  Our reception space holds around 180 and our guest list is currently at 200. I have let my parents know, and they just remind me that family is forever and that these friends they're inviting invites them to their kids' weddings. At this point, we're at 80% family/parents friends and 20% friends, and we don't know about 30% of the people who have been invited. Plus, my fiance's family is inviting all living extended-extended family, meaning: great uncles/aunts and parents' cousins. <strong>Many of these people have been "marked" as not coming anyway, but I'd hate to invite more than my reception space can hold, just in case</strong>. We have had to cut friends off of our list in order to accomodate the older crowd. Additionally, I'm not inviting the majority of my dad's extended family because I'm not very close with many of them. I risk sounding selfish in posting this, but I'm wondering what other brides have done to alleviate guest list stress. Have you let your families have most of the say in the guest list? Or did you step in an set some guidelines? My wedding isn't until next September, so I still have some time to work on this, but I don't like to step on toes and I want to be respectful of our parents' wishes... but I also want my wedding to be a blast with lots of dancing and fun! And please be kind - I'm a new bride and every other time I've posted here I've been crucified for something or other. It's not very encouraging and it doesn't make me feel particularly welcome or excited. Thanks, ladies!
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

You are right to be concerned to the bolded part.  You shouldn't invite more people than the venue can hold and you can afford, ever. 

I set up guidlines as to guest list "adds" my family had but my FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves.  Since your family is paying, you are going to have to give them more "say".  Are they unwilling to work with you so that you can invite a few more friends and still stay under 180 guests (i.e., is there anyone on the "family" side they can cut with whom you are not close)?

misssunshine17

Money comes with strings, so if you parents are paying for the bulk, I think that they should be able to invite within reason. Great Aunt Sally you haven't seen since you were 3, that can be up for discussion. As far as your FI's family, I think it's crazy to invite that extended if you're not close with them. That should be up to your FI to talk to his parents about it. 

FI and I are paying for the whole thing, so we said each set of parents can invite 3-4 couples they wanted to, in addition to us inviting our familiy (aunts, uncles and cousins). They chose people I wouldn't have, but I gave them the choice. 

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-worries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1bfd2ff2-5a40-4fcb-bfb5-bd53bc94f624Post:db692884-dd61-4810-9a09-7b1424ba00a0">Guest list worries</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, I'm hoping for a few respectful responses to something I've been thinking a lot about recently. I've heard from several other brides that the guest list is the most stressful part of planning a wedding, with the bride and groom plus both sets of parents adding people. They weren't kidding! My parents are paying for the bulk of the wedding (and the groom's parents are chipping in for the rehearsal dinner and some of the alcohol) and my fiance and I are paying for invitations, photobooth, favors, and most of the decorations. It's really important to my fiance and me that we have a lot of friends at the wedding so that it stays fun doesn't get snoozy on the dance floor by 10 pm. (I've been at one too many family-heavy weddings like that - and we have pretty old families.) Since we're investing in a band, we don't want that money to go to waste.  Our reception space holds around 180 and our guest list is currently at 200. I have let my parents know, and they just remind me that family is forever and that these friends they're inviting invites them to their kids' weddings. At this point, we're at 80% family/parents friends and 20% friends, and we don't know about 30% of the people who have been invited. Plus, my fiance's family is inviting all living extended-extended family, meaning: great uncles/aunts and parents' cousins. Many of these people have been "marked" as not coming anyway, but I'd hate to invite more than my reception space can hold, just in case. We have had to cut friends off of our list in order to accomodate the older crowd. Additionally, I'm not inviting the majority of my dad's extended family because I'm not very close with many of them. I risk sounding selfish in posting this, but I'm wondering what other brides have done to alleviate guest list stress. Have you let your families have most of the say in the guest list? Or did you step in an set some guidelines? My wedding isn't until next September, so I still have some time to work on this, but I don't like to step on toes and I want to be respectful of our parents' wishes... but I also want my wedding to be a blast with lots of dancing and fun! And please be kind - I'm a new bride and every other time I've posted here I've been crucified for something or other. It's not very encouraging and it doesn't make me feel particularly welcome or excited. Thanks, ladies!
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately that is something that can happen when you accept other people's money. And unless you want to pay for the whole thing yourself, your parents will basically get the final say in the guest list.  With that said, however, is your guest list divided up equally between everyone?  For instance (saying in an ideal world you and your FI have about the same size of families and closeness to everyone), each side would get about 90 people. It is well within your right to say that you cannot host more than a certain number of guests.  Especially since you are over your venue limit. 

The best advice is to talk to you parents and find out who is most important to them. I doubt you will be able to get more of your friends invited, but you need to make cuts to get down to 180, or actually less since you have the band and servers and yourselves that need to be factored into that number as well. Perhaps your parents will change their mind and you can squeeze in a few more friends for Great Aunt Sally whom you've never met before.  Perhaps not.  Best of luck to you!

harper0813

Benny - 

I made a guest list that I was happy with (and I asked for our parents opinions, and they approved) and then found a venue that aligned with the number of guests. Since then, the list has been expanding. So I did do it in the right order, but it wasn't as simple as I thought it was going to be.

Edited to add: We already put the deposit on our venue (which was a full payment, and the venue is quite reasonable) and it's non-refundable. So I really can't go past 180.

Everyone - thank you for your opinions so far, it's really helpful. I do agree that my parents absolutely get a good amount of power over the guest list since they're paying for 70% of it. Hearing your stories of how you handled the guest list is very very helpful! Keep 'em coming!

itzMS

People on this forum are honest (sometimes brutally) but you come here asking for opinions & perspective so if you want sugarcoating, don't come here.

That being said, you DO really need to secure your guest list since you are less than one year out.  Since you are accepting assistance from your parents, they get say in the guest list.

daubachsgirl23

First, I would cap your guest list at 175 if your venue holds 180.  Then come up with a concrete number of guests your parents and FILs can invite.  I would do something like taking the 175, subtract immediate family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and dividing up the remaining number of guests list into thirds.  You get a third, your parents get a third, and FILs get a third.  It doesn't have to be that arrangement, but giving specific numbers may help you, your parents and your FILs edit the guest list down to a more workable number.

Also, comments like "every time I post here I get yelled at" don't go over well.  You can't tell others how to post, and while the advice on this board may be blunt, it's good advice.

harper0813

Mkay, in response to people telling me that I can't ask people to be respectful and nice:

I don't expect sugarcoating, I just expect people to act decent. I've just seen a lot of rudeness on here from people who deserve to be treated much more nicely and it saddens me. I think it's possible to give really great advice in a nice way.

harper0813

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-worries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1bfd2ff2-5a40-4fcb-bfb5-bd53bc94f624Post:d6c78e9a-c093-4900-8a85-235869d5c4f4">Re: Guest list worries</a>:
[QUOTE]First, I would cap your guest list at 175 if your venue holds 180.  Then come up with a concrete number of guests your parents and FILs can invite.  I would do something like taking the 175, subtract immediate family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and dividing up the remaining number of guests list into thirds.  You get a third, your parents get a third, and FILs get a third.  It doesn't have to be that arrangement, but giving specific numbers may help you, your parents and your FILs edit the guest list down to a more workable number.
Posted by daubachsgirl23[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is very helpful - I completely agree. It makes me wonder if we should be cutting back on family, now that our cousins have children who have children... :)

</div>

daubachsgirl23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-worries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1bfd2ff2-5a40-4fcb-bfb5-bd53bc94f624Post:36ef50a4-3c6d-473a-8ad8-2c9866f0c1bf">Re: Guest list worries</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest list worries : This is very helpful - I completely agree. It makes me wonder if we should be cutting back on family, now that our cousins have children who have children... :)
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

If you do cut back on family, the best advice I have for you is to try to do it in "circles."  So, only first cousins are invited (no second cousins), or something like that.  That way, it's more of a steadfast "rule" and people are less likely to take it personally.
ETA: spelling

arendiva

You need to have a sit down with both set of parents and explain how having your friends present at your wedding is important to you. I'm all for compromise, but at the end of the day this is your wedding and you shouldn't have to exclude people you care about to invite people you hardly know. I told both sets of our parents that the could each bring 6 friends (3 social units). But we are paying for the bulk of our wedding so we have a lot more say than in your instance. Since your parents are paying for most of the weddin they do get some say but I still think you can have a candid talk with them.

daveANDkristen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-worries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1bfd2ff2-5a40-4fcb-bfb5-bd53bc94f624Post:7baf5509-c329-4a28-b357-29f142f2c7d5">Re: Guest list worries</a>:
[QUOTE]Benny -  I made a guest list that I was happy with (and I asked for our parents opinions, and they approved) and then found a venue that aligned with the number of guests. Since then, the list has been expanding. So I did do it in the right order, but it wasn't as simple as I thought it was going to be. :) <strong>Edited to add: We already put the deposit on our venue (which was a full payment, and the venue is quite reasonable) and it's non-refundable. So I really can't go past 180.</strong> Everyone - thank you for your opinions so far, it's really helpful. I do agree that my parents absolutely get a good amount of power over the guest list since they're paying for 70% of it. Hearing your stories of how you handled the guest list is very very helpful! Keep 'em coming! :)
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

Based on this, I'm guessing I know your venue (because if so, it was mine too).  I think PP's have given good advice.  If your (and FI's) parents are paying it is pretty hard to say no, but I can tell you first hand (again, if it's the same venue in my siggy), 180 is the extremely high end of what that place can hold, especially if you want any kind of dancefloor. 

We invited 178 and had around 110 attend - it was about the perfect amount of people for the space.  I can't imagine if we had even half of the declines attend, that would have been at least 4 additional dinner tables and at that point we would have been cutting out 1/2 of the dancefloor.  Stick to your guns and try one of the PPs suggestions of dividing the guest list among your parents, FI's parents, and you/FI.

Good luck!

Loopyseven

H and I made our guest list and sent it to my parents and his mom and asked if we'd missed anyone.  They both had 2 or 3 couples they wanted us to add, and we accommodated that as it wasn't unreasonable to us.  Actually, my dad wanted me to add about 10 couples, but I vetoed 7 of them because while my parents have been close to them for 10 years, I haven't lived at home in 15 and had never met them, and the wedding was out of town for them, so I explained that it felt like a gift grab to me to invite all these people I'd never met, to a wedding 8 hours away from their home and he saw reason (and wasn't paying).  A lot of people divide the list into thirds as previously mentioned, and let their respective families fill up their third with whomever they like and that seems to work well.  

DMoore421

My guest list right now is at 170 and the roomholds 150... there are a few people that I know will not come and now because of health reasons I know for sure a few other will not come.  so I should be safe with the 150 space.  I made a dividing line in my family - set at my parents cousins, none of their kids (although they are all adults)  with the excetion of 1 because I was close with him are invited.  I am also excluding kids with the exception of my son, niece and nephew because they will be in the wedding. 
And although my parents are paying we made it clear that our friends were not being cut off the list... our friends are closer to FI and I than most of our family ever will be .. there are people on my list from my parents that I honestly can say I have never met - or havent seen in 10 years ... we did what we could to accomodate everyone - but I wasn't pushing it - any higer so people (family and friends of my parents ) were cut

getaclue44

My parents are basically paying for the reception.  However, my fiance and I decided on the size that we wanted and then told my parents that they could invite 40 guests (which included my siblings, and family).  I then invited about 40 and and then we let FI parents tell us what there number would be.  My FI only invited about 20.

Our invite list was 142.  Even though my parnets are paying for the reception, my dad realizes that it is not about their friends but who we want there to help us celebrate.  When they showed me their list, I made suggestions about removing family we don't see and adding their friends who I see all the time.  My mom would occassionally mention adding someone so I would respond with delete someone from your list.  It worked out pretty well for us.  

[Deleted User]

I agree with all PPs. However, remember that your vendors are included in that head count. So. That could easily up you 10 more people, and you might be stuck. You really need to invite 180 for a venue that holds 180.