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I can't seem to get past this.

I asked him how much he loves me and he said "As much as there are stars in the sky". Um, excuse me? He didn't mention the sand in the ocean or how he'd die for me. So what do you think?

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Re: I can't seem to get past this.

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    I think youre overreacting and were looking for him to specifically say you arent fat. Guys dont work like that unless you say "am I fat", and even then if theyre honest they might say yes.

    If you are self concious about your weight, do something about it.
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    If I didn't know the past with your hubby, I'd vote number three.

    But I don't know that he always sends the most positive messages to you, so I voted number one.

    I let Scoot read the questions and let him vote, and his was for number 2. He's more unbiased than I as he doesn't know you, so that's probably more accurate.
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    When guys want sex, that's the top of your list, saying whatever needs to be said to move on with that issue and get to the sex. It wasn't the most senstive thing, but he was thinking with his second head, so it just came out.
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    My husband says the 3rd one.
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    He means he doesn't care that YOU think you're fat.
    "I?ve got magic. I?ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time (and this includes naps) I?m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground." - inspirational words from Charlie Sheen
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    LIke made a mistake in getting married?

    (I've had a lot of wine so I'm hoping my reading abilities are impaired and I just read that wrong)
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    Jess seriously, you need to just do something about it. It will help your self esteem so much to get active (with more than the wiifit, those are lame). If you wanna msg me or something on FB, go for it, Ive lost almost 30lbs since April and it has helped me a lot and my husband has noticed ive stopped making so many self depricating comments (like the ones youre making). Your husband cant make you feel better about this, only you can.
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    Wow.  I'm really, really sorry.  I don't know what to say.  Have you guys gone to counseling?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-seem-past-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c09aa84-b240-4472-89ad-026f904f99b4Post:fa07bc8f-e0ac-439d-9c4f-d90eb8c4fc5f">Re: I can't seem to get past this.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah julez. Its a shitty feeling.
    Posted by jessjo04[/QUOTE]
    For serious about julez question? :(
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-seem-past-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c09aa84-b240-4472-89ad-026f904f99b4Post:78008c8c-8ec3-44be-a88e-b2cb5d73551b">Re: I can't seem to get past this.</a>:
    [QUOTE]He means he doesn't care that YOU think you're fat.
    Posted by talltalltrees[/QUOTE]

    That's exactly what I think, too.

    But, more concerning to me is that you went to him for validation, and then you came HERE for it too.  Feeling that bad about yourself sucks.  Going to the gym isn't going to fix that either - I don't think it has anything to do with what you actually look like.  I know you've posted before about being unhappy in general.  Are you seeing a counselor now?  It seems like that would be a good thing to do. 

    Clearly he sees you as sexy - you need to be able to see yourself that way too.
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    Jess, if it helps you, please know that a lot of us on this board are struggling with depression right now (myself included).  I've always gone to my therapist first thing in the morning so I can't chicken out.  Is that an option for you?  It'll probably help you. 

    Is your DH willing to go to counseling?  Does he realize how much you're struggling? 
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    Try finding a therapist that you can see when you're not working.  Someone that's open early mornings or after you get off.  Maybe even on weekends.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-seem-past-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c09aa84-b240-4472-89ad-026f904f99b4Post:782c39b0-e2e8-4525-bdc4-f4f14ba2fefe">Re: I can't seem to get past this.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Try finding a therapist that you can see when you're not working.  Someone that's open early mornings or after you get off.  Maybe even on weekends.
    Posted by navybaby1113[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I go to my therapist before work or, if I can't, we do phone sessions.  I never would've gotten out of my severe depression without therapy. 

    I really think you both need to go to counseling.  He needs to better understand what you're going through and how to support you.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Please don't feel alone.
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    You really have two different issues.

    The first is your depression/low self-image, and that only you can fix with the help of doctors.

    The second is the snippy comments from your H, and those bother me.

    Honestly, I think if you can work on the first issue, the second might fall into place too; you'll figure out whether they're over the top, bearable or unbearable, and you'll start standing up for yourself.  You need that.
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    I do agree that your dh needs to go to a depression counseling session with you. When people dont' have the depth of the bad feelings its hard for them to realize what's going on.
    Dh and I just talk it out now when I get really upset/in a bad place with no really rational reason. He might not understand exactly where I'm coming from, but he does understand when I say "I'm really upset now and there's no reason why, so please don't use logic to fix me right now".

    We should start a P&E weight support group. I think there's a few of us who could use a self esteem boost.
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    Yes, I definitely need support with my weight loss.  Our sex life has suffured because of how I feel about my body.
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    My sex life sucks too, as evidented by this post. P&E needs more puppies and rainbows, who woulda thought?
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    There are a lot of therapists who see patients on Saturday in our area.  I assume those exist in other areas too.  Many also see patients during their lunch hour.  If you're serious about feeling better, shop around for somebody who will work with your schedule. 

    As for your husband. . . it would be nice if he understood, and offered better help, but I suspect he's one of those guys who isn't good with emotional communication.  It would likely be helpful if he'd go with you a time or two, but more helpful just for you to be able to go at all.
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    I know I am late to this, but I wanted to put in my two cents.

    I suffer from pretty severe anxiety and I have been really pleasantly surprised at how accomodating my therapist's office is with scheduling. Appointments start at 7am and the last appointments begin at 7pm as well as a couple Saturdays a month.

    If it feels overwhelming that you are constantly asking for time off, start slowly and only go in ever 2 weeks or every 3 weeks and try different times. Maybe the early mornings will be great for you, maybe after work will be better or you might even decide to take a long lunch and do it then.

    But don't feel like you can't do this because of the time commitment. I don't have a standing appointment time because I like to have flexbility and they are very easy going with that.

    But the important part is to go. The first few times are the hardest, but it will help if you find someone you connect with.

    Best of luck and lots of strength to you.
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    I am with Larissa on this.  You have two problems.

    The first problem is your self esteem.  If you constantly berate yourself, then people will start to see you as you see yourself.  YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU.  IIf you insult yourself constantly, they will insult you back. 

    Also, it is annoying when people need lots of compliments and reassurance.  I tend to never compliment people like that, because I feel it is never enough and I hate repeating and reassuring people.  I tend to withdraw and get turned off from neediness and your husband may be doing the same thing.

    The second problem is your husband is a d-bag.  If this was a one time thing I would say he was just thinking with the little head.  But he says insulting remarks a lot.  I think you need to start therapy and develop confidence.  And I feel like when you do you will realize you deserve better than that.

    You both need to change.  Hopefully for the better.  If you can change and he can't then maybe you are better off without him.
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    I feel like I have to assure you that you are not fat.
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    I am very late to this, but just have to speak my mind. I hope you see this for what it is (me telling you the very plain truth as I see it because I care; I'm not trying to kick you while you're down and I'm sorry if it seems that way).

     

    We've told you time and time again (even before you got married) that you need to work on your relationship with your H. He behaves in ways that convey a lack of basic respect for you, he demeans you and treats you as a child who isn't capable of simple housework- far from recognising and treating you as a fully functioning and fantastic human being, which you are. He behaves towards you in a resentful and immature fashion; not in the way of someone who supports you as a life-partner. 

     

    Until you work on your relationship, and get past the issues in communication- not to mention, the sexual problems- you will continue to feel depressed. Honestly, it's perfectly reasonable that you would feel depressed when the person who is supposed to love and value you treats you as less than. I know your depression is something you've been battling for a long time, but I honestly feel that in this situation, the increase you've experienced is a symptom of your unhappiness in this relationship- not a cause. It feeds into the problems in your relationship, though, because your H is so unwilling or unable to support you through it in a positive way, and instead behaves defensively and with criticism. 

     

    I'm not trying to say that you are incompatible with your H or that your H is a horrible person- just that these are areas which you need to work together, as a couple, to get beyond. You can medicate yourself as much as you like, and have as much counselling as you see fit, but until you feel emotionally safe and supported within your home and your environment is conducive to happiness, you're not going to truly feel any better. 

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    Everyone has pretty much got this covered, but I'm going to add that if you're on depression medication but you are still drinking, that's not going to help you out either.

    Alcohol is a depressant, ya know.
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    After reading all this its just starting to feel like dejavu. You have felt like this, had relationship issues with this guy, had self esteem issues in the past, and everyone here has supported you and told you that councelling for BOTH of you would help with all of those issues. Each time it comes back up, you still havnt. It seems like youre both unwilling to work on the relationship, just let things continue to happen. How many times are you going to have these issues and we are going to suggest the same things, until you finally do something to help yourself.
    I feel incredibly harsh saying this but, Im just curious why after almost a year of being advised councelling and what not would be good for you both, you still havnt pursued it.
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    Thanks Nebb and Sun for saying what I was thinking.  Maybe you need tough love Jess.  the picture you paint of your husband on here is one of a jerk.   You knew what he was like before you married him, had doubts before you married him, and are now expressing the same damn issues.  Again. And the same excuses about how you cant work on the issues.

    enough already.  Take responsibility for your life and change it.  Go to a counselor on your lunch hour. do phone sessions, stand up for yourself when your husband says and does things that make you feel like crap.  Work on your self esteem.

    I know its easier said than done and the hardest step is the first one.  But do soemthing.

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    Can I give Nebb and Sun cookies?  Because I really want to give them cookies for their wonderful, intelligent, insightful responses.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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    He's not a bad or mean person. He is a loving, caring, wonderful person.  I don't come here to brag about the good things he does, I come here for help talking out my problems. I guess you guys wouldnt understand because you all have conflict-free marriages.
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    I dont discount that he is a good guy, or why would you have married him. I dont discuss any issues I might have in my marriage, so it would be impossible for anyone to know. If I did though, I would seriously consider the suggestions I was given to try to work through the issues in a productive way. I would just think it would be extremely tiring to continue to put up with issues however big or small they might be, when there are options out there to fix them.

    I think if youre to the point where you are both wondering if youve made a mistake, you need to get to it and take the steps necessary to fix the issue. I like you a lot jess, I just think youre doing yourself further harm by not pursuing help more agressively.
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    Ya know, journaling might be a fantastic idea.  Maybe not online, but a notebook, to help you sort through feelings and notice patterns.  Then you'll be able to tell DH what things are good and bad for you, and you can both work on it that way.

    People that I used to work with that had depression or anxiety problems found journaling to be very helpful.
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    I guess if you're only going to come here as a substitute for counselling, you have to realize that we're only going to know and hear about the bad stuff.

    People get tired of that and when that's all they see, that's all they know.  So, to us, your H is a douche.  But you're the one that's created that image of him because you want the negative attention from the board.

    You need help.

    We can't help you.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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