best friend may not even attend... advice?

BartsHunny

Hello ladies,
I'm a newbie to the boards, so forgive me for anything that may lack.

Quick info about me: I am a single mom of 2 who has found perfect love the 2nd time around.

I am getting remarried in October.  I will be moving out of state with my kids for the wedding & my new life.  My best friend since childhood was not able to be at my first wedding & has always expressed how upset she was about it. NOW, she has plenty of notice for the nuptials, and has even said not too long ago that she has saved the $$ nec  to fly to the wedding to be my maid of honor.

We were talking the other day about wedding stuff & she calmly said, "I am not sure if I can afford to be there. It may just not work for me to be there."  This really upset me, because she is not hurting in any way for funds.  She said she already saved (was that a lie?) and she is cosntantly shopping & buying new clothes.  I could maybe understand if she was having hard times, but her husband makes a great living and I just don't understand it.  She seems to try and shoot down anything positive I have to say about my new life & the things I look forward to.  She watched me go through a very abusive relationship my first marriage.

IS she just jealous?  Would what she's doing now be considered poor etiquette? Or do I need to be sympathetic to her?

~A

Calypso1977

you never really know what goes on behind closed doors.

some people spend money like they have it - but really dont.  many people you see with big houses, fancy cars, all teh bling dont own any of it.

they could be having huge financial issues that you dont know about.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-may-not-even-attend-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c79a7f9-a548-495b-ad44-49c1917cdb70Post:506a1059-dc90-4263-9edf-f38c6e6d3bf8">best friend may not even attend... advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello ladies, I'm a newbie to the boards, so forgive me for anything that may lack. Quick info about me: I am a single mom of 2 who has found perfect love the 2nd time around. I am getting remarried in October.  I will be moving out of state with my kids for the wedding & my new life.  My best friend since childhood was not able to be at my first wedding & has always expressed how upset she was about it. NOW, she has plenty of notice for the nuptials, and has even said not too long ago that she has saved the $$ nec  to fly to the wedding to be my maid of honor. We were talking the other day about wedding stuff & she calmly said, "I am not sure if I can afford to be there. It may just not work for me to be there."  This really upset me, because she is not hurting in any way for funds.  She said she already saved (was that a lie?) and she is cosntantly shopping & buying new clothes.  I could maybe understand if she was having hard times, but her husband makes a great living and I just don't understand it.  She seems to try and shoot down anything positive I have to say about my new life & the things I look forward to.  She watched me go through a very abusive relationship my first marriage. IS she just jealous?  Would what she's doing now be considered poor etiquette? Or do I need to be sympathetic to her? ~A
Posted by BartsHunny[/QUOTE]

OMFG NO.  She is not jealous and she's not making excuses.  Geezus.

Maybe, she's like... you know, ACTUALLY having $ problems.  That would be a shocker in this economy!  Just because she appears to have $ doesn't mean that they are not having financial problems.  You have no right to comment on how other people spend their money.

MyNameIsNot

Her finances are none of your business, and to assume you know her situation is just wrong.  She gets to decide how to spend her money anyway.  

It sounds like the money isn't there, and you are trying to turn this into something else.  If she says she can't afford it, she can't afford it.  

Get over it.  

And seriously, she tells you she can't afford it and you assume it means she's jealous?  Really?  

andy71781

I'd be pissed if my best friends didn't move hell or high water to come to my wedding - but I feel like I'd know their inside motivations. If somebody was really hurting for money I'd understand, or try to make something work (find a cheaper hotel block; organize car pool).   Did something happen like a layoff?  It sounds weird to me but I dunno.....

sarah0725

Well, either money is actually the issue, in which case, if you want her there, you should see if you can afford to help make that happen, or there's some other problem, in which case speculating about her financial situation is unnecessary. Is she always there for you in other respects? Do you guys have an awesome time together? Do you feel like she's invested in the friendship in other ways? Do you feel like the two of you are growing apart at all? Being friends since childhood is a long time, and people change.

Anyway, you're probably going to get lots of flames for speculating about her financial situation. But I think you need to interrogate the underlying issues, and see if there's something else going on between the two of you.

tidetravel

Maybe she doesn't approve of the marriage and is worried you're going to marry another abuser.  Either way, if she is TRULY your best friend, a simple heart to heart should clear things up.

squirrly

Did she say it was for financial reasons?  Or just that she might not be able to make it?  It could be anything - medical issue in their family, no dog sitter, money, who knows?!

Talk with her.  If the problem is one you can help with (paying for her hotel room, for example) offer if you are able to and want to.  Offer as a GIFT, not as a loan, btw.  If she takes you up on it - great.  If not - let it go.  Do NOT push.

BartsHunny

Ok, I can see everyone's point. The way my posting was written, I can see how it looks like I'm trying to get invlved in her financial situation.

In trying to understand that we may not know what is actually happening behind closed doors, my fiancee & I have offered to pay for her ticket out, she wouldn't need to stay in a hotel because the wedding is in the country & she would stay with me in the guest house on the farm.  She'd have to pay for nothing. She still said no. It's a simple wedding, and I even want her to wear a dress she already has.  ALL I WANT IS HER THERE. I want her support.

Last May, I gave everything I had (and didn't) for her own wedding.  I went above and beyond the call of duty. Not to pat myself on the back, and I have never said this to her.  But she gave exstravagant gifts to the two other bridesmaids, and nothing to me. I didn't say anything, although it hurt.  I was telling myself that she was probably thinking I already felt thanked.

My point, ladies, is that no matter what I do to try to get her there, she seems unwilling. 

I am not trying to be insensitive. In fact, I have spent years coating over this kind of thing.  Can some positive feedback be given please?

Thank you.

sarah0725

Why is she your friend? It sounds like she sucks.

Calypso1977

perhaps she doesnt approve of the marriage then.  or maybe she's in an abusive or controlling relationship as well, and he wont let her go, and is somehow jealous that you were able to get out of your abusive relationship and move on.

BartsHunny

Thanks for the positives.  I think I should just ask her, but I am not good at stuff like that, so I wanted to post it here in a neutral place to get feedback.  I obviously didn't word my Q right the first time.

To answer a few of your Qs:
Yes, she has met my fiancee & loves him
She seems (key word) very open about her finances & personal life/situation, which has given me reason to wonder about it.
I have been the first person to defend not knowing what happens behind closed doors, and understand that there could be something I don't know.
Recently, every conversation about anything with me gets shot down quickly & she tries to find negatives in my positives.  They are things she would not be comfortable with, but I am great with.  When I let her know it's all good, she still continues.
Yes, it seems over the years that I have put more into the friendship than she has.  But I never saw it until recently.  Just accepted it.
Yes, I have seen a change in her since getting engaged.  She says one thing, then acts another way.  I think I will sit down with her and try to make sure its nothing I have done, and try to see if there is anything she needs of me.

THANK you to all the ladies who did not slam me for being insensitive or nosy.  That's just not me, and I appreciate all the positive feedback.

scoetto

I dunno. People change. Some of the people I thought were close friends had different motives and the got the boot. Leaving me with a small circle of women who are the best women I've ever met. And 2 of them weren't able to come, including my bestie. I didn't get mad, but I do get upset being treated like you are. Which is why I keep those people close but at arms length (if that makes sense). I thought I was close with one girl who ended up just using me. So yeah, she's around and I'm there for her if she needs it, but she's certainly not the first person I go to for advice or exciting news. I got tired of being hurt and used. 

danieliza1127

Honestly it sounds like you two are the friends you might think you are. 

squirrly

You can try talking with her, but from my spot in the peanut gallery - "she's just not that into you." 

Sorry.  I wouldn't let it stress you.  If she's not into making the effort to be friends, maybe it's time to take a step back.  Maybe you're meant to be friends just not so close as you'd like.

leayn

maybe you think you're better friends than you really are and she just doesn't want to come, but is trying not to hurt your feelings.  and i don't get the jealous part...especially if she shops all the time and has an awesome husband with a great job....

brookelynpaisley

If doesn't sound to me like she's very interested in this friendship. She's shooting down positives, doesn't really seem to have a great reason to not go, and snubbed you with her wedding. How often does she initiate contact with you? Someone brought up a good point - is it possible her husband is controlling?

tlv204

While I agree that her money is none of your business, I don't think that's her reason just from what you've said. This isn't "positive" per se, but I think the friendship is on its way out. It sucks, but it's not "rude" of her to not be able to come, no matter what her reasons are. I don't necessarily think you need to be sympathetic either if she really is a crappy friend, but I do think you need to move on and try not to take it personally since it seems she has never really been a great friend. This doesn't sound like it's anything new.

Shawnee11507

It sounds like you're a better friend to her than she is to you. Maybe she doesn't think of you as such a close friend like you do. If it were me, I would just ask her straight up (that's how my BFF and I are).

luckyme502

You sound just like my best friend and me.  She missed my first wedding because she had moved with her boyfriend.  She will probably miss this wedding too.  See, her husband is in Iraq and they have 4 kids, so it would be really hard for her to travel from Texas to Virginia with 4 kids by herself. 

She is not jealous, she just has her own life and her own priorities and I am totally supportive of her and her life.  She knows that she is invited to the wedding, and she knows that if she doesn't come, I will understand and call her from the reception!!!   

riverjib

I've been through a different but still parallel situation regarding childhood friends and weddings in the past year. My best friend verbally invited me to her wedding, asked me to be a BM, invited me to stay with her that week, consulted with me about dresses, location, and every other detail, then ultimately didn't invite me. Nothing shifted in our friendship--we've lived states apart for years, and we've talked at least once or twice a week. We never had arguments, resentment, or any kind of drama in our friendship. She eagerly sought my opinion throughout her whole planning process, then started avoiding me in the months before her wedding. She made a vague statement about having a small wedding, but never mentioned that it no longer included me.

I got the hint when I knew she must have sent out her save-the-dates. I was hurt that she wasn't at least up front about it, but I realized that people really change. The teenager I knew as my best friend was the person I still talked to on the phone, but she's not really that person anymore. Our contact across a distance lulled me into thinking that our relationship was frozen in time. That was naive. Some relationships are like that, and others are not. Ours wasn't.

Major life changes like this can sometimes distill reality. Get past it. I obsessed over what I might have done to cause this schism, and wondered if I hurt her in some way. I was really confused, and I worried too much. Turns out, sometimes people change, even if you've done nothing wrong. She's well off, so money wasn't an issue.

In your case, she might resent seeing you go. That might be the only issue, if you're still close.

BartsHunny

Thank you very much ladies.  It's actually comforting to know I may not be alone.  I have backed off a little, trying to figure this out, taking the space and time to think through it.  She doesn't initiate contact very much.  It usually is me doing so.  And she only brings things up when we happen to be in the same place.  So, I'm thinking that it could be a multitude of issues. I also think it has nothing to do with me. 
As to her situation with her husband, they have constant issues that they both bring. He does have a good job, that doesn't mean he's amazing. He and I get along great.  She's not very good to her husband (she admits to me), and I wonder if that's something that could be affecting her attending.
My FI thinks she's really going to feel bad after the fact, and realize how much I do for her and how badly she misses me once it's all said and done.  He may be right. I'm just moving on with things & will let her bring anything up.  I don't want to have any drama before or after. There's enough going on.
I also realized that while I wasn't trying to make comments about her financially, it did seem as though I was. So I apologize about that.
It's really her loss if she can't be as honest with me as I think she should.
I will accept that she will not be there, expect the worst but hope for the best.
Thanks again.