Sister in law Mess

stephC90

Me and My fiancee were planning our wedding when we found out we were going to have a baby, well wanting to all be a family before our daughter came we went to the justice with about 7 people in tow, parents grandparents and my brother and sister in law. we figured we would just sign papers and have a WEDDING 2 years later. My sister in law and i were best friends in high school and to her every thing was a compatition to her, she was mad that i was pregnant first and so on, she treated me like sh** when i was pregnant, and i  no longer consider her my friend after some pretty mean things said and done(EX: she has called my daughter a mistake and so on  ), well she was supposed to be in my wedding but i feel now that she does not deserve to stand there over other people that are in my life, she is always belittling my wedding saying " your already married this isn't a real wedding its just a vow renewal and so on. i feel that i deserve a real wedding ? and that maybe i should ask her to not be in the wedding? 

danieliza1127

Sorry but your sister is right.  You are already married.  You had a wedding.  It was real.  You are really married. 

If you want to have a vow renewal with no wedding party, fine, but it's not a wedding and you don't need a bridal party.

pinkpinot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-law-mess?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c8d2497-1fa2-40cf-be18-cad93206c947Post:0153deee-0874-4710-aa57-ff50dfc4d09b">Sister in law Mess</a>:
[QUOTE]Me and My fiancee were planning our wedding when we found out we were going to have a baby, well wanting to all be a family before our daughter came we went to the justice with about 7 people in tow, parents grandparents and my brother and sister in law. we figured we would just sign papers and have a WEDDING 2 years later. My sister in law and i were best friends in high school and to her every thing was a compatition to her, she was mad that i was pregnant first and so on, she treated me like sh** when i was pregnant, and i  no longer consider her my friend after some pretty mean things said and done(EX: she has called my daughter a mistake and so on :(  ), well she was supposed to be in my wedding but i feel now that she does not deserve to stand there over other people that are in my life, she is always belittling my wedding saying " your already married this isn't a real wedding its just a vow renewal and so on. i feel that i deserve a real wedding ? and that maybe i should ask her to not be in the wedding? 
Posted by stephC90[/QUOTE]

Stackeye210

I'm sorry, but it is a vow renewal.

andyandhillary

You'll get mixed reviews here, FYI, but in my opinion no one "deserves" a real wedding.  In your case, I think you need to call it a vow renewal and not register for gifts.  It's not like you're doing this a few months or even a year later...2 years later is a long time.

Did you already ask her to be in the wedding?  If so, it's kind of tricky but if she's being downright awful you could ask her to step down.  Just keep in mind that's only going to worsen your relationship with someone you have to know the rest of your life. 

*Edit*  I realize that last paragraph doesn't make sense with my comments in the first.  Since I think you should have a vow renewal there should be no bridal party. 

LesPaul

She's right.  You had a wedding.  A subsequent ceremony would be a vow renewal.  You do not need a wedding party for a vow renewal, so asking her to participate is a moot point.

opalsky007

You've already said your vows, saying them again makes it a renewal. It's up to you whether you want to have a wedding party, or have her in it, but consider that she's family and that you may just make things worse by not including her.*

*This is IF you include other people but not her, I mean. You should probably just skip having a wedding party altogether.

RachNRich

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-law-mess?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c8d2497-1fa2-40cf-be18-cad93206c947Post:0153deee-0874-4710-aa57-ff50dfc4d09b">Sister in law Mess</a>:
[QUOTE]Me and My fiancee were planning our wedding when we found out we were going to have a baby, well wanting to all be a family before our daughter came we went to the justice with about 7 people in tow, parents grandparents and my brother and sister in law. we figured we would just sign papers and have a WEDDING 2 years later. My sister in law and i were best friends in high school and to her every thing was a compatition to her, she was mad that i was pregnant first and so on, she treated me like sh** when i was pregnant, and i  no longer consider her my friend after some pretty mean things said and done(EX: she has called my daughter a mistake and so on :(  ), well she was supposed to be in my wedding but i feel now that she does not deserve to stand there over other people that are in my life, she is always belittling my wedding saying " your already married this isn't a real wedding its just a vow renewal and so on. <strong>i feel that i deserve a real wedding ? </strong>and that maybe i should ask her to not be in the wedding? 
Posted by stephC90[/QUOTE]

Everyone deserves a "real" wedding---but? You already had a real wedding...ya know, because you are currently married.

Your SIL is right---anything you would have now would be considered a vow renewal---and there is nothing wrong with that. If you choose to have a vow renewal, and would like individuals to stand up for you, you do not have to include your SIL if you chose not to.

jasmineh7777

A wedding would signify the beginning of your marriage. You are already married. You're having a vow renewal, and that is totally fine. You don't need a bridal party for a vow renewal, so you don't need to worry about including her.

FutureMrsTR

I probably wouldn't have a bridal party at my vow renewal (which is what you're having).  Sure you deserve a real wedding and that's what you got when you decided to go to the JOP and get married.

So problem solved!  No bridal party = no way for sister in law in the bridal party.

pinkpinot

Dani is right, it would be a vow renewal and maybe you should just save yourself the stress by skipping bridesmaids & groomsmen all together.  I don't agree with the things your SIL said about your daughter, but could there be a possiblity that financially she doesn't have the money required to be a BM?  That could be why she is "bad mouthing" your wedding and seems annoyed with everything since you are already legally married. 

[Deleted User]

Yep. She's right. It's a vow renewal. Did you already ask her to be in your WP?

aMrsin09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-law-mess?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c8d2497-1fa2-40cf-be18-cad93206c947Post:0153deee-0874-4710-aa57-ff50dfc4d09b">Sister in law Mess</a>:
[QUOTE]Me and My fiancee were planning our wedding when we found out we were going to have a baby, well wanting to all be a family before our daughter came we went to the justice
Posted by stephC90[/QUOTE]

He is your husband, not your fiance.
And while she may be evil, your SIL is correct.  What you are planning is a vow renewal.

salt78

She isn't belittling you. She's right. 

evanescencex0x

 you could simply not have any wedding party, considering everyone already knows you're married it wouldnt seem that strange. Or maybe just one person in your 'bridal party,' like one maid of honor, who isnt her. you can tell her that you decided to keep the party small and simple

banana468

Perhaps there are other issues with your SIL, but on the matter of the wedding she's right.

You're already married.  Why insult your marriage that way.  You ARE married.  You exchanged vows and you have a child together.

Renew your vows (or bless them) but this isn't a wedding.  You're married and you should celebrate that marriage every day.

J&K10910

I can't respond to people when they start talking about deserving a big old party.

stephC90

i understand that we are renewing our vows that i get but i never had my dad walk me down the aisle or anything that other woman get. we went in signed papers and everyone went home we had to be married before my daughter was allowed to be put under my husbands last name, and the reason it said fiancee is he was at that point when we were planning our wedding that never happened and its 2 years later because i was pregnant for 9 months and the other year we wouldn't have the finances or time with a new baby, I'm just saying just because i got pregnant doesn't mean i cant have a wedding like i had planned before. and she was asked before but we don't talk really anymore since i was pregnant it would be like having a stranger up there with me.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-law-mess?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c8d2497-1fa2-40cf-be18-cad93206c947Post:71ed3f71-de85-416e-85fd-ec9c8dd48b02">Re: Sister in law Mess</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm just saying just because i got pregnant doesn't mean i cant have a wedding like i had planned before.
Posted by stephC90[/QUOTE]

No one is saying you can't have the wedding you planned because you got pregnant.  We're saying you can't have the big princess wedding you planned because you are already MARRIED.

At any rate, it sounds like you aren't friends with her anymore anyway.  Take everyone else's advice and don't have a wedding party.

tidetravel

Posts like these would be more credible if OPs would use proper grammar and punctuation.

stephC90

And me and my husband both feel that the wedding we had origanally postponed is what we want, we just did it a little backwards, we do celibrate our marriage but we both want a "wedding".

september's bride

Unfortunately, just because your situation turned out to be different than what you expected, doesn't mean that reality changes. You still did get married, and because that was your wedding day you really don't get to have another wedding. You do, however, get to choose how you celebrate a vow renewal. Personally, I'd be content with that; a husband and a child and a successful relationship are something to be celebrated.

ohwhynot

Steph, I don't mean to be harsh, but that was the choice you and your husband made.  Babies are born and named after their fathers every day of the week, regardless of whether their parents are married.   You made the choice to forgo having your father walk you down the aisle in front of your family & friends.  I honestly don't understand having a vow renewal 2 years after the fact - it seems rather early and rather late at the same time.  Too early to be a milestone anniversary and too late to be a reception following a recent, private marriage. 

janedoe1113a

You chose to go to the JOP.  You were not forced to.

I do not know Montana state laws, but most states don't require to be married to give a baby their father's last name. 

And please use punctuation.

baystateapple

Yes, you can have a party, but it's not a wedding, since you're married.  And your SIL sounds like a peach, but on this point, she is right -- you are married, therefore, it's not a wedding, it's a vow renewal.

RachNRich

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-law-mess?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c8d2497-1fa2-40cf-be18-cad93206c947Post:71ed3f71-de85-416e-85fd-ec9c8dd48b02">Re: Sister in law Mess</a>:
[QUOTE]i understand that we are renewing our vows that i get but i never had my dad walk me down the aisle or anything that other woman get. <strong>we went in signed papers and everyone went home we had to be married before my daughter was allowed to be put under my husbands last name, and the reason it said fiancee is he was at that point when we were planning our wedding that never happened and its 2 years later because i was pregnant for 9 months and the other year we wouldn't have the finances or time with a new baby, I'm just saying just because i got pregnant doesn't mean i cant have a wedding like i had planned before.</strong> and she was asked before but we don't talk really anymore since i was pregnant it would be like having a stranger up there with me.
Posted by stephC90[/QUOTE]

Goodness. That's one helluva run-on sentence.

Anyways, explaining why you got married when you did is of no difference. We get it. Everyone's situation is difference, and your circumstances are unique to only you.

But, the question you asked was about having your SIL in the wedding party---and we gave you our opinions; you don't need to have her...in fact, you don't even need to have a wedding party for your <span style="font-weight:bold;">vow renewal.</span>

danieliza1127

Just tell your sister-in-law that you've decided that since this is a vow renewal, you aren't going to have a wedding party afterall.  Then plan whatever the heck you want.

baystateapple

I agree with Dani -- look on the bright side.  No wedding party = no beast SIL in the wedding party.

september's bride

And, to be fair, you made the choices you did and no amount of hoping, wishing or foot stomping will change that. There was no government official in a suit that showed up at your door to tell you that your child wouldn't be recognized if you weren't married. You were not forced to go to the JOP. I'm sorry you're not content with the wedding you chose, but it is what it is.

tidetravel

OP - look, I get it. 

We JOPed and then had our wedding later.  Why?  Because I wanted my pretty princess day.  Did the whole thing - white dress, wedding party, etc.  At the time, it was what we wanted and we did have an amazing day.  Admittedly, when everything was said and done, that's all it was.  One day.

Having recently had a child, I can say that I wouldn't spend the money to have a "wedding" if I were in your situation.  You think it's important now, and that you're missing outon something.  I understand the feeling, I do.  Trust me when I say that you're really not.  

You have your husband and your child; you shouldn't need a white dress and some cake to feel validated in that.     

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-law-mess?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c8d2497-1fa2-40cf-be18-cad93206c947Post:71ed3f71-de85-416e-85fd-ec9c8dd48b02">Re: Sister in law Mess</a>:
[QUOTE]i understand that we are renewing our vows that i get but i never had my dad walk me down the aisle or anything that other woman get. 
Posted by stephC90[/QUOTE]

<div>Too bad. You chose to get married first. You didn't HAVE to get married first. </div>