Thoughts on Vow Renewals?

bellebride116

So last night I was chatting with some friends and we got into a heated debated, so I thought I'd see what everyone's opinions on here are...

So one friend wants to get her vows renewed every 10 years.... I told her that her vows don't expire every 10 years and having a vow renewal is pretty silly. She got super insulted.

I always looked at vow renewals as something a couple does when they've had trouble with their marriage. 

Another friend there said that she wants to have one because her wedding was very small and she wants something bigger. I'm confused, because no matter what kind of wedding you've had it's still the day you got married, therefore it's special. Why would you want to sort of redo it? 

I think having a 25 year, 50 year, etc anniversary party is fun and worth celebrating.... but a vow renewal, where you get into a wedding dress, have a ceremony and then a reception? Doesn't that make your actual wedding day less special? 

Maybe I'm looking at vow renewals is wrong? 

What are your thoughts on vow renewals? 

baystateapple

A vow renewal the way that the elderly people do it at my church, with family members around, for a significant anniversary, wearing normal Sunday clothes or maybe something a little dressier, and then going out to dinner afterward -- no, I don't side-eye that.  I think it can be really sweet.  We had a couple who renewed their vows on their 50th that way and it was adorable.

A big white dress, bridesmaids, and a full-on reception with a bridal shower and gifts expected, just because you didn't get it the first time -- yeah, I side-eye that.

mgietler76

I don't understand wedding re-do's, I'm all for a vow renewal with close friends and immediate family only.

strlzfan11

No, I'm with you.  You get one wedding day per marriage, that's it.  I have a friend who renewed her vows with her husband on their 10th anniversary, but it was just them on the beach (and maybe their kids) and they had been through some major rough patches in the five years that I've known them (which was why they decided to renew their vows).  They didn't make a huge production out of it.

I think milestone anniversary parties (starting at 25 years) are appropriate.  My sisters & I had a small party for our parents when they hit the 25 year mark.  I remember attending parties for my grandparents when they hit the 40 & 50 year mark.  Their 50th party was just family and maybe 5 or 6 couples that they had been friends with for years.

sarah0725

My ex's parents had a vow renewal for some big anniversary - their 25th maybe? - and she wore a white cocktail dress. It was pretty cute, and I'm not going to fault them for that. She did vow that she would always be his biker biitch, though...... yeah, maybe I should have realized that this relationship wasn't going to work out for me.

sclams

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-vow-renewals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cde5204-8365-4e80-9485-3cd67e46aa29Post:a4d4d016-cd00-4fd2-9832-45e563414120">Re: Thoughts on Vow Renewals?</a>:
[QUOTE]A vow renewal the way that the elderly people do it at my church, with family members around, for a significant anniversary, wearing normal Sunday clothes or maybe something a little dressier, and then going out to dinner afterward -- no, I don't side-eye that.  I think it can be really sweet.  We had a couple who renewed their vows on their 50th that way and it was adorable. A big white dress, bridesmaids, and a full-on reception with a bridal shower and gifts expected, just because you didn't get it the first time -- yeah, I side-eye that.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

Ditto this- you can't have a do-over wedding a year later and call it a vow renewal. SO tacky. But an older couple quietly celebrating a major anniversary is adorable, doesn't have to imply that there have been problems.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-vow-renewals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cde5204-8365-4e80-9485-3cd67e46aa29Post:a72b82e1-bc99-4629-ba12-b15df33f7341">Re: Thoughts on Vow Renewals?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with you on pretty much all points. I don't like wedding reenactments, ever really. An anniversary party sounds way fun and a cool way to celebrate your marriage, but I see actually having an offciant (do you do that at a vow renewal? I don't even know) and a white dress and a pseudo wedding as AW and overkill. <strong>My parents' 25th is on November 9th, and they're going to the same hotel they stayed at for their honeymoon and mom is finally changing her name, since she kept her maiden when they married. </strong>That's more my style for celebrating an anniversary.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

That's so sweet.  See, that's how significant anniversaries should be celebrated (minus the name-changing thing, which is a personal decision). 

What I REALLY don't get is the desire to have a "second" wedding when you already went through the whole damn thing once.  After all the stress and hassle of planning one wedding, I would never want to do this again for a vow renewal.

SaraAndrew2010

Agree.  I'm always confused when I hear people planning a vow renewal and wonder why their vows need to be renewed.  My vows, at least, are going to be made "for as long as we both shall live", so why would they need to be renewed after 1 or 5 or 10 years?

The only case I see for a vow renewal is if there has been some type of serious problem in the marriage and the couple needs to make a recommitment to each other.

Having a vow renewal with a bunch of hoopla just seems AWish and gift grabby for me.  I'm all for anniversary parties for major milestones (25+) and for simple vow renewals at church, but don't understand the trend for big party vow renewals at all.

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-vow-renewals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cde5204-8365-4e80-9485-3cd67e46aa29Post:c290fab8-1e06-4b70-b83f-f5382e5dc4ad">Re: Thoughts on Vow Renewals?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Thoughts on Vow Renewals? : That's so sweet.  See, that's how significant anniversaries should be celebrated <strong>(minus the name-changing thing, which is a personal decision).</strong>  What I REALLY don't get is the desire to have a "second" wedding when you already went through the whole damn thing once.  <strong>After all the stress and hassle of planning one wedding, I would never want to do this again for a vow renewal.</strong>
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]
It's been a running joke in the family for years, and she's mainly doing it for kicks. My dad doesn't, and never did, care one way or the other.

And completely agreed. I'll never plan one of these son of a bitches again, as long as I live. Maybe I should add that to our vows :)

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-vow-renewals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cde5204-8365-4e80-9485-3cd67e46aa29Post:45c1e889-6e68-4091-8ce8-0d76fb969232">Re: Thoughts on Vow Renewals?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Thoughts on Vow Renewals? :And completely agreed. I'll never plan one of these son of a bitches again, as long as I live. Maybe I should add that to our vows :)
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

"I promise to love you and honor you, so long as life endures, and so long as you never make me plan a vow renewal."

mgietler76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-vow-renewals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cde5204-8365-4e80-9485-3cd67e46aa29Post:45c1e889-6e68-4091-8ce8-0d76fb969232">Re: Thoughts on Vow Renewals?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Thoughts on Vow Renewals? : It's been a running joke in the family for years, and she's mainly doing it for kicks. My dad doesn't, and never did, care one way or the other. And completely agreed.<strong> I'll never plan one of these son of a bitches again, as long as I live</strong>. Maybe I should add that to our vows :)
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly

The Mel and Todd Show

I really don't care either way when a couple does it for a significant anniversary (though 10 years seems a bit soon, to me).  25, 50...I guess, if it makes them happy.  Personally, I plan on saying my vows once and I think that should cover it.  I don't understand the idea behind "let's say our vows again, in front of a bunch of people, because it's been awhile."  I can say "I still love you" at home in my pajamas while we share a pie.  I don't see how putting on a production makes it any more meaningful.  But again, that's just me.  I wouldn't give the side eye to a couple who felt differently and wanted to renew on a milestone anniversary, unless they attempted to include showers and a wedding party. 

salt78

A vow renewal isn't necessarily getting into a wedding dress and having a ceremony and reception. It can be as simple as just resaying your vows in street clothes and then going out to lunch. I also don't agree that they are just for people that have marital problems. 

That said, if you want to have one because your actual wedding wasn't big and special enough...that's just stupid. And I also think it's pretty stupid to have them after like a year a la Khloe Kardashian.

Personally I don't see why it should bother you that your one friend wants to renew her vows after 10 years. Are we talking like a big, blowout, weddingy vow renewal or just a simple one?

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-vow-renewals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cde5204-8365-4e80-9485-3cd67e46aa29Post:39c2e092-178f-40a2-a8c7-fbe06efe7755">Re: Thoughts on Vow Renewals?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't care either way when a couple does it for a significant anniversary (though 10 years seems a bit soon, to me).  25, 50...I guess, if it makes them happy.  Personally, I plan on saying my vows once and I think that should cover it.  I don't understand the idea behind "let's say our vows again, in front of a bunch of people, because it's been awhile."  I<strong> can say "I still love you" at home in my pajamas while we share a pie.</strong>  I don't see how putting on a production makes it any more meaningful.  But again, that's just me.  I wouldn't give the side eye to a couple who felt differently and wanted to renew on a milestone anniversary, unless they attempted to include showers and a wedding party. 
Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

That sounds a hell of a lot more fun than putting together a whole shindig all over again with a hundred friends and family there giving you the side-eye.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm in agreement with you, Lauren. I think it's silly to wear a dress and pretend to be a bride when you... aren't. You're married. No one in my family has ever done a "vow renewal." They've had anniversaries parties, yes. When I was 7 my parents and my aunt and uncle planned a 50th anniversary party for my grandparents. It was like a wedding reception - we rented a hall, had centerpieces and decorations, had dinner, we may have had cake, possibly dancing. My dad has a HUGE family though - my grandfather had 10 siblings, all of whom were there, plus all my grandparents neices, nephews, and some friends. But my grandparents just wore nice clothes, not wedding clothes, and didn't have any sort of ceremony, videography, limo, photographer, etc. That seems weird. For my in-laws 40th anniversary they took a trip to London for a week. (For their HM they backpacked through Europe - for 6 months!)

I think if you REALLY want to do it after going through some milestone, it should be between you and your spouse. Not a big party in front of all your friends who may or may not know the inner details of your marriage.

Calypso1977

i think vow renewals are most meaningful when done at least 20 years out.  and i dont think it makes sense to do them as a "do over" for somethign you may not have gotten to do when you married.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

It also reminds me that Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton used to "renew" their vows every couple days. Like, in their bathroom, alone. Clearly that didn't make their marriage stronger than anyone else's.

MrsMack10612

I had never heard about so many vow renewals until I came on TK.

I think at a milestone anniversary a small intimate vow renewal with just family and then a nice meal afterward (no WP, no reception, no gifts, no special clothes) is fine.  I think regardless if there had been serious rough patches in a marriage or not - the idea of recommitting one another is a good idea.  If you get married, have kids, buy a house - there is always the potential to drift apart and forget about the Mr. & Mrs. that you became.

However, the AWish type renewals I've heard about on here because someone didn't get the big fancy, shmancy wedding/reception they wanted?  I call BS - get over it you made your choice to get married in the manner you did.

bellebride116

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-vow-renewals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cde5204-8365-4e80-9485-3cd67e46aa29Post:a72b82e1-bc99-4629-ba12-b15df33f7341">Re: Thoughts on Vow Renewals?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with you on pretty much all points. I don't like wedding reenactments, ever really. An anniversary party sounds way fun and a cool way to celebrate your marriage, but I see actually having an offciant (do you do that at a vow renewal? I don't even know) and a white dress and a pseudo wedding as AW and overkill. <strong>My parents' 25th is on November 9th, and they're going to the same hotel they stayed at for their honeymoon and mom is finally changing her name, since she kept her maiden when they married. That's more my style for celebrating an anniversary.</strong>
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

<div>That is super adorable!!! </div>

marissa_claire

I totally think there's an AW factor involved.  If you still love your hubby and promise to be together forever, why do you need to get a dress and throw a party for yourself? 

leah2b

I agree with Salt -- A vow renewal doesn't always mean having another wedding - what about going on vacation together and having a little vow renewal on your anniversary? I think it's a nice thing.  Lets be honest - there are a ton of marraiges out there where at least one party is just not that into it any more. A vow renewal is a nice way to say, "hey, I still love you deeply and want to continue to spend the rest of my life with you."

I do agree that another full blown wedding is kind of crazy. 

tenofcups4me

Outside of the Knot, I've only once heard of a vow renewal in real life and that was for friends of my sister who did it after 10 years as a re-created wedding. I thought it was ridiculous.

I can see anniversary parties for 25 and 50 years, because they are milestones. And I can see doing a private renewal whenever you want, if has meaning for the couple, but the whole wedding do-over doesn't make any sense to me.

My parents' 25th is on November 9th, and they're going to the same hotel they stayed at for their honeymoon and mom is finally changing her name, since she kept her maiden when they married. That's more my style for celebrating an anniversary.

The hotel party sounds so nice, but the name changing thing makes me sad, even if it is a "joke."

sugarsoul

I don't understand vow renewals or anniversary parties. I've been to a couple of anniversary parties, and it was pretty boring. Even though it was the couple and the people closest to them, it was kind of awkward because the couple was in their own bubble of happiness and acting all lovey/dovey while the rest of us just kind of mingled and ate food. To me, celebrating an anniversary would be much more special if it was just between and my significant other because it would about just the two of us and our love for another and be much more intimate and romantic, which my more my style. I love the idea of staying in the same hotel and changing the maiden name.