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If your husband was cheating

would you want to know?

I used to be really good friends with this girl. About a year ago we had a falling out over something stupid, and didn't talk for a while. We've sort of patched things up but are not close at all, FB friends and an occasional "how are you?" text.

 We have a mutual friend who recently confessed to me, in front of a few other people, that she was sleeping with this friends husband and she wasn't the only one. She seemed to think it was HILARIOUS. I have felt really, really, really guilty ever since but I don't exactly see how I can say anything.

So, would you want to know? I would, but I know there are some people who wouldn't want to know. I feel like there is nothing I can say or do but still feel horrible that I know. Friend with the cheating husband shouldn't be TERRIBLY shocked, since she started dating him while he was still married, but still. And they JUST had a baby this week, which makes me feel extra bad about the whole thing. If she knew MY husband was cheating, I would be FURIOUS if she kept it from me, but then again this really isn't any of my business. WW(p&)ED?
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Re: If your husband was cheating

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    I would want to know, but would want to find out from a good friend...not a "random" friend, if you know what I mean.
    ~Chelsea~
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    Eek!  What a mess, especially with a new baby.
    I think I'd tell her if I actually saw him making out with someone.  I would certainly encourage the friend who admitted it to you to fess up to the wife.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
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    edited December 2009
    I would definitely want to know. The timing is awful, though, because having a one week old and finding out (right before Christmas) that your husband is cheating on you with multiple women would be devastating.
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    Yeaaah. I feel like I'm not a good enough friend anymore to be the one to tell her, and the other friend is CERTAINLY not going to spill because shes good friends with the whole family AND she has a boyfriend. I don't know if I want to be the one to ruin her life for a good while, but it is just eating at me. I also don't want to be the one to flat out tell her, if she already sort of knows and has chosen to ignore it. I just really wish the other girl had not felt the need to share that with me.
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    Why did she tell you?  Was she drunk and running her mouth or did she confuse you with her priest?  I think I'd have to have it out with her for dragging you into this and putting in the position of knowing.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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    Didn't said friend steal him from another woman- who he was married to at the time? 

    I know it's eating you up, and I would be too, but I think she knew exactly what she was getting, even if she blinded herself to it.  If you really think she should know, then tell her and get it over with.  But don't expect her to believe you or want to ever talk to you again. 
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    What about sending her an anonymous letter?  You would get if off your chest but not have to ID yourself.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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    She was over our house and we were talking about how the friend and her H weren't coming to the wedding and it was just kind of "Wanna know something funny? Im sleeping with him. HAHA!"

    I know theres really nothing I can do/say, and thats the worst part. BLERG. And I agree Amoro, she can't NOT know, if thats how she got him. And if she doesnt know how can she be surprised??
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_husband-cheating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1e6dd91f-3180-4650-bb92-310e3a7093e4Post:1e22de70-9117-4768-a62e-ec67c8dc94e1">Re: If your husband was cheating</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would definitely want to know. The timing is awful, though, because having a one week old and finding out (right before Christmas) that your husband is cheating on you with multiple women would be devastating.
    Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

     This exactly.

    Maybe you could wait a few weeks until after she gets adjusted with the baby and the holidays are over.

    Your other friend is an ass for putting you in this situation.
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    What was your response when she told you that?
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    I know you're really upset by this Almond, but you have to decide to either tell her, or let it go. 

    Here's another thought-- you're torn up just knowing, but would you be equally torn up knowing that you told her and (sort of) caused whatever will happen?
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    Could you hint at it after the holidays?

    For example, take her to lunch & tell her that she needs to talk to X friend. Wink Wink.

    Even if she already knows, having the mistress tell people as a cocktail joke is horrible.


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    Oh, and girl who told you is like, the epitome of Klassay.  Skank.
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    The one time I was cheated on I would have been grateful if a total stranger had told me.  My best friend at the time didn't tell me - that was extra humiliating that multiple people I talked to every week knew and didn't tell me.

    It really sucks that your other friend put you in this position though, no one wants to know that kind of stuff, it's such a burden, I'm really sorry.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_husband-cheating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1e6dd91f-3180-4650-bb92-310e3a7093e4Post:36cdf877-8248-4c36-a385-d83bfa5e5b9b">Re: If your husband was cheating</a>:
    [QUOTE]What was your response when she told you that?
    Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
    silence then an awkward laugh. i was pretty shocked. this girl isn't a GOOD friend. she also bragged about it the night before my wedding to a couple people. GAH. I'm thinking an anonymous letter after the holidays isn't a bad idea. It'll make me feel like I did SOMETHING and the ball is in her court.

    Honestly, I won't feel too bad if this is the thing that splits them up, because I don't think its fair to her or the baby, even though she knows how he is. I know her mom does a lot for both of them and I hate to think shes helping the H financially when  hes screwing around.
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    Your friend is an enormous ballsack for doing what she is doing and then putting you in this position.
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    If she's telling you, she's probably told other people.  And like you've said, it's clear she isn't the only one he's cheating with.

    You'd want to know if you were in her shoes and you probably wouldn't believe it if it came in the form of a letter.  Easily denied by all parties who will come up with the "you can't believe a LETTER you got from someone who didn't even have the balls to SIGN THEIR NAME!1!!!!eleventy!" - it's easy to imagine that's how it would play out, especially by someone like her H who is probably good at smoothing over suspicions.

    So, instead you put on your big girl panties and you tell her yourself.  As you've said, your friendship with her is already rocky, so you don't have much to lose if she decides to close her ears to the truth, HOWEVER she'd be nuts not to trust what you tell her because you're not a liar.

    FWIW I agree with Amoro and the others who say the girl who told you is seriously F'd to have put you in the position to know something like that. 

    I'd be letting her have it, too - what a way to burden you with that kind of information ON YOUR WEDDING DAY NO LESS!  Eep. Cunny cun cun T
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    I think we should ask Elin Woods what she would have wanted people to do.

    I go back and forth on this one, Almond, but the bottom line in my world is that I would want someone to tell me. The thought of people knowing and just sitting back and watching me mascarade as something that everyone else knew was fake but me would make me feel like a huge fucking idiot.

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    I honestly would tell the friend, "You're a jerk for putting me in that situation.  If you don't tell the involved people, I will."

    Yeah, I'd wait until after the holidays are over but I'd let the "friend" know that what she's doing isn't cool and I'm not going to be her secret keeper.


    FWIW, when my ex bf cheated on me and confided in my MOH that he was, she gave him the ultimatum to tell me by X date or she would and it worked even for the spineless dbag that he is.
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    And FWIW, I thought he was cheating but he had to confirm it.  It's quite possible that's the case with this friend too.
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    Almond, what's your relationship like with your friend's mom?

    Could you have lunch with her, tell her what's going on and then let her make the decision on whether or not her daughter should know (and if so when/how to tell her)?

    That'd be my next suggestion.
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    I'm with Amoro et al. also.  I'd feel like the world's lamest loser if I was going about my life while everyone around me knew I was being cheated on.  Then I'd be piiiiiiisssssed, really really pissed with everyone who knew and didn't say anything.  Good friends or just acquaintances, whoever tells me is definately not high up on my shiit list.  Of course, everyone is different and maybe she knows but is in denial or just likes living in a dream world where the man who cheated on his wife with her isn't cheating on her now.  And maybe she won't believe you, but at least you've done your part and put the ball in her court.

    I would loathe being put in your position.  You're effed if you do and effed if you don't.
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    i would let it go....for two reaons.

    1. it's none of your business.
    2. if you do tell her, without some sort of proof other than "x told me she was" YOU are now the bad guy. because you know the husband isn't going to fess up so now you look like the ass for saying something and trying to hurt her.

    it's a sucky position to be in but the best thing you can do for yourself (which is the important thing since you're really not friends with her) is to stay out of it. it's not your problem, don't make it so.
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    When I was a kid, my Dad's best friend started having an affair. His wife was living in a different city at the time, trying to sell their house so she could move out with the kids to be with him. It took them a year before the family was reunited - but one of the daughters was sent out to live with her Dad first.

    One weekend, he asked my parents to baby sit her because he would be away on a business trip. Turned out he was hanging with the mistress for one last hurrah before the wife moved back in.

    When my Dad found out months later, he lost it on his friend for putting the mistress before his child, told the wife and that was the end of the friendship. I'm still really proud of him for taking the hard path.

    At the end of the day, there's a child involved. Whatever the girl might have deserved for hooking up with a married man, the child doesn't. Just be prepared to lose all the friendships in the process.
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    The other aspect here is that perhaps it's not your exact business.

    However can you really say you need to stay quiet while your friend could be putting herself in the position of getting sexually transmitted diseases because she just doesn't know?

    This isn't just a secret.  The possibility of this affecting your friend's health is huge. 
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    I'd tell her. I'd much rather be the "bad guy" for a while (since she's going to find out more directly eventually and realize you were right anyway) and know that I tried to help the friend instead of being a passive bystander watching someone get screwed.  It won't be easy, and she probably won't believe you and/or will hate you for a while if you do it, but I really think I'd rather that than the alternative.

    If I were in that position I would be LIVID with anyone who knew and didn't tell me, even if it wasn't a really close friend. But, like you said, not everyone is like that, so you know her better than we do.
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    Yes, I would want to know but not all people are like that.  This is one of those situations that you are d*mned if you do, d*mned if you don't.

    Technically you don't have any proof of an affair.  You didn't see it with your own eyes, there are no photos, etc.  Yes, the girl told you but she could also be lying for any number of reasons.  I would only confront your friend directly if I had concrete proof he was cheating.  If you confront her without any proof, she *may* see you as the bad guy, trying to break up her marriage, etc etc.

    FWIW, I would have a sit down talk with your friend (even if you aren't that close anymore) and try to have a heart to heart with her.  Ask her how she's doing with the baby, if things are going okay with the marriage (things can always get rocky after a huge life change, like a baby) and try to get her talking.  She may already know he is cheating but trying to turn a blind eye to it.  Depending how the talk goes, you could bring up some rumors that you heard (again you don't have proof so that's all they are, just rumors.)

    While yes it may be true that she was the other woman when they began dating, him cheating may not even register as a possibility in her mind.  She may be under the impression that she changed him and he is a better man now, etc.  Rather than once a cheater, always a cheater.

    I would avoid bringing anyone else into it (ie friend's mom) because that is spreading more gossip rather than being productive.  And isn't that exactly what they did to you, tell you a secret that you didn't want to know?  Besides if the friend found out her MOM knew, that would be devastating.

    Good luck with whatever you end up doing.  Just prepare yourself that you may lose whatever friendship you have left with this girl.
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    I would most definitely want to know. I'd be absolutely humiliated to find out later that someone - even a so-so friend - knew and didn't tell me. Andrea_Lea pretty much stole the words out of my mouth. I think you just tell her. If I were your friend, I'd be thinking "what does this girl have to lose by telling me? Nothing. So why shouldn't I believe her?" Even if she got the guy as a cheater, she may have convinced herself that she's special and different and they have a baby, there's no way he'd cheat on her.

    In summation, I'd tell her. And then I'd tell your other friend that she's a royal sack of shiit.
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    I would definitely want to know.  I would want the power to determine how sound my marriage was on my own terms and not continue the illusion.  I don't think it would matter who told me, I'd confront him regardless. 
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    To the people who say, "You don't have proof," how is the other woman admitting the affair NOT proof?

    Unless you know that the friend who told you is a pathological liar, believe her. 
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