Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

i dont want to!! (kinda long)

I do not want to invite my step sister and her husband. When we made the guest list months ago, I didnt want to invite them then, but I figured I would because its the nice thing to do. Since then, she has shunned by dad, told my step mom she couldnt come to the hospital to see her first and only granddaugter if her husband (my dad) was with her. She told her my dad wasnt invited to the baptism, and told my step mom she needed to choose between her or my dad. Because of this, my step mom has seen her granddaughter twice in 4 months. I really hate this girl, and after what she did to my dad for no real reason, he has always been good to her and treated her like his own daughter, i want nothing else to do with her.I never liked her but was always nice. Ive told my dad Im done with her and to not even bring her around me anyone, she was wrong for doing what she did to him and I think that is very mean considering all he has done for her. I dont care what he says, I know his feelings were a little bit hurt.

OH! She also sent me a thank you card from her baby shower (prior to the situation with my dad) and in the thank you card she told me thanks, and by the way I cant come to your engagement party. Even after Ive been to a million of her parties where I had to buy her some expensive gift. Who puts that in a thank you card? Last week we took HER mom out for her birthday to a spa, not only did she not come, but she asked my sister (shes the only one who will talk to her) to not tell her mom we invited her so we didnt make her look bad.

I sent her a STD....then the thing with dad happened. I know I SHOULD send an invite because I sent the STD...but really, do I HAVE to? I already know she wont come, the wedding is OOT, and Id rather use the invite for people we actually want to there. Do you have to follow ettiqutte all the time? Are there ever exceptions?

My dad paid for my dress and the ceremony  (at a hotel). His finances are seperate from my step mothers. Should I ask him if he would be mad if I dont invite her or take it upon myself to remove her from the list?

Re: i dont want to!! (kinda long)

  • Options
    I think since you sent her  STD you're stuck inviting her.  Hopefully she's decline if she really dislikes your dad so much and you say she's won't come.  I don't see what the problem is if you say she won't come anyway.  Just send her an invitation.

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

    image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

  • Options
    I wish i would have ordered more invites, I hate that I have to waste on on her.   Theres people Id like to replace her with, but am still hesitant to send out more invitations than space would allow. Theres always the chance EVERYONE shows up.
  • Options
    I'd send the invite. Be the bigger person in this situation even though she is being such a peach. If she really is that anti your dad, she won't show up.
    Photobucket Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    It sounds like the problem will solve itself for you. Make sure she knows he's invited, and she'll probably make some big dramatic show of swearing not to come.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

  • Options
    I agree with PP that she needs to be sent an invite. If she doesn't come, great.
    You can always rush order more invites if you need more and your venue and budget can accommodate the people you'd like to invite. Just make sure you don't (as I'm sure you wouldn't) send out more invites after getting declined RSVPs from some people.
    Praying for a miracle!
  • Options
    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2012
    I think you still have to send her an invitation. 

    I had a falling out with a cousin a few months before my wedding to the point where we agreed we no longer wanted to be in each other's lives at all. That same cousin kicked me out of her own wedding a few years ago, we attempted to reconcile, and then she showed her true colors again. Fool me once...  Even though she had of course originally received an STD,  I did not send her an invitation, but I did send one to her mother, who I also didn't want to invite b/c I knew her mother had been badmouthing me.

     But since my aunt hadn't technically done anything directly TO me, I knew I would be the biiitch if I didn't invite her. I didn't think she would come. She did. I'm sure it was to spy and report back about the details of my wedding, but that's another story!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Options
    its just the most ridiculous situation. The plan all along was to be the bigger person, and as Im sitting here look at the guest list Im so annoyed that I have to be the bigger person when she is the one being a child. I do not want my step mom to feel some sort of way...thats the only persons feelings Im worried about. one one hand I want the girl to know I want nothing to do with her, on the other hand, sending one will make her feel about 2 inches tall. If my parents werent involved I wouldnt even send her one....but like yall said, I dont want to stoop to her level, and I know she wont come. At least I know itll make my dad feel good to know I was the bigger person and she was still being petty. Plus he is old and loves to gossip with his kids so Itll only give him gossip ammo lol

    Fine. But I hope yall know Im sending her one of the defective crooked-cut invites. The ones I was going to save to send to Disney. Thatll make me feel a LITTLE better ;-)



  • Options
    sorry for all the typos!
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-dont-want-to-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1e6e1d60-35f4-4f44-977c-6a8bb569f6fdPost:3b22eb95-0173-4692-bf69-12a45272c949">Re:i dont want to!! kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ask your dad and stepmom what they think. The point to following etiquette is not to be rude and I would have no problem being rude to this girl by not sending her an invite. However, it may hurt your dad and stepmom and that isn't something you want to do, or else you become just as bad as her. If they say not to invite her, I think you're fine. But if they ask you to do so, you should respect their wishes. They are the wronged party here, not you.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    This!  I really think the OP should do this.  Wow Stage you're two for two with me in terms of answering two very difficult questions that have been on my heart lately.  Thanks so much again!  Without getting into detail, like the OP I've got some family drama that includes profound disrespect of my FI and myself but STDs have gone out so I've had to decide where my priorities should be. 
  • Options
    unfortunately. im completely out of space. its a small venue, seating only 65
  • Options
    QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited November 2012
    I didn't send an invite to ONE person that I did send a STD too.  But, I also ended the friendship completely.  Some crazy high school style drama went down.  And I had a very calm conversation with the person and told them they were no longer welcome in my home, around me or my family or at my wedding, regardless of the fact that they got a STD.

    I think the only time you can not send an invite when you sent a STD is when you are fully prepared to end the relationship totally.  I personally didn't give a crap about whether etiquette was on my side in that situation.  This person wasn't permitted anywhere in my circle and never will be again. 

    BUT, since this person is family, and there is a pretty good chance you'll have to encounter her the rest of your life...  I probably wouldn't be quite so drastic.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-dont-want-to-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1e6e1d60-35f4-4f44-977c-6a8bb569f6fdPost:a98aab46-7a47-41d4-b4f2-37e8d163c356">Re: i dont want to!! (kinda long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I didn't send an invite to ONE person that I did send a STD too.  But, I also ended the friendship completely.  Some crazy high school style drama went down.  And I had a very calm conversation with the person and told them they were no longer welcome in my home, around me or my family or at my wedding, regardless of the fact that they got a STD. I think the only time you can not send an invite when you sent a STD is when you are fully prepared to end the relationship totally.  I personally didn't give a crap about whether etiquette was on my side in that situation.  This person wasn't permitted anywhere in my circle and never will be again.  BUT, since this person is family, and there is a pretty good chance you'll have to encounter her the rest of your life...  I probably wouldn't be quite so drastic.
    Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]
    Even some family members might unfortunately be in that category of ending the relationship totally minus the unbreakable dna thing. Especially when they're living in another state or country.
  • Options
    QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited November 2012
    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-dont-want-to-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1e6e1d60-35f4-4f44-977c-6a8bb569f6fdPost:96b1f0f1-cd98-463a-b99e-76b394d9c95c">Re: i dont want to!! (kinda long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: i dont want to!! (kinda long) : Yep, the last time I saw my stepsister was at my brother's wedding over a year ago.  Before that, it had been something like 4 years.  She wasn't invited to my wedding, not even in a malicious way, but just because we literally have absolutely zero relationship and now that we're both grown and married, we RARELY see each other at family gatherings even.  So, depending on the family dynamic, cutting her out MIGHT be an option.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Oh, I agree!  I have three sisters.  I speak to one of them. I also don't speak to my mother.   I haven't spoken to them in over 3 years, and don't plan on it anytime soon.  DNA doesn't mean much to me, but, it seems to mean more to some other people than it does to me.</div>
  • Options
     I find it hard for somebody to be so cruel for on reason, something could have happened between your step sister and dad you do not know about.  Keep that in mind when you are dealing with her.  If you have the space I'd send the invite, if not I would not send it in the slight chance she RSVP's yes.  I just don't think she'd show up.

    Also, regarding her many parties.  You were never obligated to buy her an expensive gift.  But yeah the comment in the thank you card was not the place for that.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-dont-want-to-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1e6e1d60-35f4-4f44-977c-6a8bb569f6fdPost:3b22eb95-0173-4692-bf69-12a45272c949">Re:i dont want to!! kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ask your dad and stepmom what they think. The point to following etiquette is not to be rude and I would have no problem being rude to this girl by not sending her an invite. However, it may hurt your dad and stepmom and that isn't something you want to do, or else you become just as bad as her. If they say not to invite her, I think you're fine. But if they ask you to do so, you should respect their wishes. They are the wronged party here, not you.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>
    I'm with stage on this - let your dad and stepmom make the call.  While I agree that STD = invitation, I also think that when someone acts cruelly and hurts people there is latitude in this.  Let them make the call and be done with it.<div>
    </div><div>I absolutely advocate being the bigger person, but I am a bigger advocate of cutting toxic people out of my life and have done so with a couple of family members.  You can be rude without being cruel.  When  you cross the line and become cruel and toxic that is a whole other story that needs to be dealt with and being the "bigger person" in those cases doesn't usually work.</div><div>
    </div><div>Let them make the call.</div></div>
  • Options
    Maybe your father has done something to wrong her that you just don't know about.  It's always a possibility that something happened that she chooses not to make public.  

    If you sent her a STD then send her an invite.  I'm sure since she knows your father will be there, she will most likely decline.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards