When they're only invited to the reception... how to tell them and how to make it up to them.

GreatB

We are having a destination wedding of sorts, where 95% of the people coming will have to conquer hours of travel. And after they have done all that to see you, how do you tell them they are not invited to the actual ceremony? And how do not make them feel cheated?I know the best answer: "Duh, do what you need to make it so that you can have a larger ceremony."  But I can't. We can only have 20 people at the ceremony, and that seems to not be negotiable. It is the fact.So how do you tell people, who plan on flying from one side of the country to the other, that they are not invited to the "intimate ceremony?" I know I have to do clever invitation wording, making sure they know it is just for the reception [I should have made that more clear in the STDs, but I didn't know I couldn't negotiate this at the time].
But even more: how do I make it up to them? I thought of signing the actual marriage license at the reception, so they could witness that. Maybe even say our vows over again? I don't know. 
I know many people would not want to fly across the country for a wedding, only for it to be a small Sunday afternoon appetizer party [but there will be music! food! a photobooth! or maybe they don't care]. If finances were not so tight, this would be a little easier.What do you think?Invite them to the rehearsal dinner?Have a brunch the next day? [But who will still be there on a Monday?]Sign the wedding license at the reception?
I am really losing sleep over this, as this is not how I planned it on being. And I am already getting mean remarks from a guest about it [ironically, this guest is part of the 5% that actually lives in the city of the wedding, let alone the state... she is my biggest case of wedding drama! ugh. anyways...]. Help? I feel like an awful person.

aMrsin09

Well to answer your question for the proper stationery, the way to do this is send out invitations for the reception and include a Ceremony card (kind of like a reverse Reception card) to the 5% that will be invitd to the ceremony.

In reality, you need to find a new ceremony site.  After receiving an invitation to a reception only, people can decide to attend or not, but flights/hotel rooms may have already been purchased.  If that's the case, I wouldn't be very happy to fly cross country for a Sunday afternoon cocktail party.

alexirom

Did you know that you could only invite 20 people to the ceremony when you booked the venue?  Are you only inviting immediate family to the ceremony?

GreatB

The initial plan was to have a somewhat small wedding in the first place as FH is an introvert and I am a laid-back extrovert. Plus, we don't have money for anything big.

So we were going to have a small ceremony of immediate family/wedding party, and then a larger reception for anyone else who wanted to come. The small ceremony was catering to FH, the larger reception was catering to me, and we were both fine with that.

I am also trying to hold a reception in California, for those who cannot make it to Boston [where the wedding is]. Thus far, the only person throwing a fit is someone who lives in Boston.

I initially thought that I would be able to have a wedding with about 20 chairs, and then others who wanted to come to the ceremony would be able to stand behind the elderly people in the chairs [short ceremony], but now the venue sounds like it just wants 20 people, period. [It is an outside garden.]

brilibby4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_theyre-only-invited-reception-tell-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ee20588-0014-4f28-9b4e-c5e8f6ad5b76Post:e2f29e39-4aa2-4fd1-b786-907a1c618b46">Re: When they're only invited to the reception... how to tell them and how to make it up to them.</a>:
[QUOTE]The initial plan was to have a somewhat small wedding in the first place as FH is an introvert and I am a laid-back extrovert. <strong>Plus, we don't have money for anything big. So we were going to have a small ceremony of immediate family/wedding party,</strong> and then a larger reception for anyone else who wanted to come. The small ceremony was catering to FH, the larger reception was catering to me, and we were both fine with that. I am also trying to hold a reception in California, for those who cannot make it to Boston [where the wedding is]. Thus far, the only person throwing a fit is someone who lives in Boston. I initially thought that I would be able to have a wedding with about 20 chairs, and then others who wanted to come to the ceremony would be able to stand behind the elderly people in the chairs [short ceremony], but now the venue sounds like it just wants 20 people, period. [It is an outside garden.]
Posted by GreatB[/QUOTE]

Inviting more people to a ceremony does not typically cost more.  It is inviting people to the reception that adds up (more food, place settings, cake, drinks, possibly favors, etc.).  I agree you should find another venue since STDS have already been sent out.  Can you have the ceremony at the same place you are holding the reception?  Often times this is a cheaper choice than finding a new location. 

kebmtm071605

It just all sounds like a really ill-conceived plan.  Your ceremony site will no longer work.  You need to find a new one.  People flying across the country really need to be invited to the ceremony. 

Also, with people going so far out of their way to attend your wedding, it would be really nice if you could feed them more than appetizers.  What time of day is your reception?  If it is a mealtime, you absolutely need to find a way to serve something that is at least equivalent to a full meal.

These people are paying for flights, hotel rooms, car rentals...you need to include them in the ceremony and host them properly at the reception.  I know you say your budget is tight, but you should have thought of that before you invited so many people.  Now you need to get creative and/or find some more money in your budget.

brilibby4

I agree with PP.  Ditch the photo booth and have a meal instead.

LesPaul

You can't 'make it up to them'.  They will feel like B-list guests, and the only way to fix that is to choose a venue large enough to invite them to the ceremony.  The reception is thrown to thank your guests for attending your wedding. 

There's no way I would fly cross-country to attend a cocktail party, all the while hearing about the ceremony to which I wasn't invited.  Please rethink your plans.

aleighk1

If you can say your vows again at the reception, why not just have the ceremony at the same site as the reception? If you can pretty much have the whole ceremony during the reception, wouldn't it make more sense to just get rid of the "intimate ceremony" so everyone can be there?

qwerty777

There's no way I would fly anywhere to go to a reception for a ceremony I wasn't invited to. You need to figure out somehwere else to have the ceremony, even if it means losing a deposit.

mrabbito

i would not be impressed having to fly/travel for snacks and music.  some of the options you proposed (inviting to rehersal, having a brunch) all involve extra money, why not put that money into having a meal at the reception? i aggree that you need to massively rehaul this plan.

sister2groom

There's no way I would fly cross-country to attend a dinner, and it wouldn't even be great if you let your guests decide whether or not they were willing to do this, but it sounds like your guests don't even get to make this choice on their own, you've made it for them. I cannot tell you how angry I would be if I had booked everything and then invitation came in and "surprise" I couldn't come to the ceremony, nothing would make up for that.

Obviously you can afford a place to hold them all (your reception site) so at this point you need to move the ceremony to the reception site or find something other place of similar size. And I know reception site can work, maybe not great because all the guests won't be facing the same direction, but you will be able to fit three people standing (you, FI and officiant) making all guests able to attend ceremony, which is worth logistical difficulties. If you like the garden, you can take photos there.

lyndausvi

I have flown up for a wedding where I was not invited to the ceremony.

First they only had 7 people at the ceremony (parents, siblings and one friend each). 

The groom's brother and us were the only OOT people out of 60 people.  I would not expect the couple to change plans because of 2 OOT guests.

They had a full blown dinner, cocktails, dancing, etc.

To us it was worth the trip even if we didn't see the ceremony.  I doubt I would have felt the same if 95% of the guest list were OOT, needing airplanes to get to the event, not seeing the ceremony and only attending a cocktail party.

SaraAndrew2010

You misled your guests when you sent them STDs even though you don't intend to invite them to the actual wedding.  Anyone who gets an STD must get invited to the wedding, not just a cocktail party.  Many of your guests may have already booked non-refundable flights under the assumption that they were invited to your actual wedding.  I would be extremely offended if I paid to fly across the country and found out I wasn't even invited to the wedding.

As PPs said, find a new ceremony venue or see if you can hold the ceremony at the reception venue.  The only other option I see is to reimburse anyone who already booked a flight for the expense, since you misled them.

SparrowSong

I would be really annoyed if I spent money to travel to a wedding and wasn't even invited to the wedding. What's the point?

Find a new venue for the ceremony, or don't have a big reception at all. Just invite the people to dinner that you are inviting to the ceremony.

brookelynpaisley

I wouldn't fly across the country for appetizers, personally. And if I did spend money on a flight and hotel and all you fed me was some cake and stuffed mushrooms and then just signed your license in front of me, I would not be a happy Brooke. Even with a photo booth. If you're going to have a small and intimate ceremony, have a small and intimate reception and call it a day. When people ask about your wedding, or indicate they expect and invitation, just say "we're doing something very intimate with only our immediate family." It's not uncommon at all these days to keep things small and budget friendly.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_theyre-only-invited-reception-tell-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ee20588-0014-4f28-9b4e-c5e8f6ad5b76Post:2a47f72d-eda5-4259-9e58-d9872a974336">Re: When they're only invited to the reception... how to tell them and how to make it up to them.</a>:
[QUOTE] There's no way I would fly cross-country to attend a cocktail party, all the while hearing about the ceremony to which I wasn't invited.  Please rethink your plans.
Posted by LesPaul[/QUOTE]

Re-read this and pretend I said it. If I'm going the the lengths flying across the country and paying for a hotel to go to a wedding, the very least you can do for me is let me watch the actual ceremony and give me a real meal.

Summer2011Bride

You mentioned that you were thinking of signing your marriage license and re-doing your vows at the reception. So I guess I don't see the point of the intimate ceremony in the first place? If you are willing to do all that in front of your larger crowd, just find a different venue and have a larger ceremony to begin with. Please do not uninvite people to the ceremony after STD's have gone out and they are flying cross country.

goutesh

I would be really upset if I booked a flight and then found out that I was only invited to a cocktail party.  If I knew before making travel arrangements I would decline the invite.  Unless you want a lot of angry/hurt guests, you need to find a new ceremony site or have it at your reception site.  There's no way to "make up for it."

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_theyre-only-invited-reception-tell-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ee20588-0014-4f28-9b4e-c5e8f6ad5b76Post:ec1ee850-a6de-4f1f-a77f-5cf630deca75">Re: When they're only invited to the reception... how to tell them and how to make it up to them.</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP.  Ditch the photo booth and have a meal instead.
Posted by brilibby4[/QUOTE]

<div>This. No photobooth, no fancy cake. Just a real meal if so many people are traveling.</div>

ThePinkSuperhero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_theyre-only-invited-reception-tell-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ee20588-0014-4f28-9b4e-c5e8f6ad5b76Post:3c5ad176-da8b-472c-ba54-ddc7256abb59">When they're only invited to the reception... how to tell them and how to make it up to them.</a>:
[QUOTE]We are having a destination wedding of sorts, where 95% of the people coming will have to conquer hours of travel.  And after they have done all that to see you, how do you tell them they are not invited to the actual ceremony? And how do not make them feel cheated? I know the best answer: "Duh, do what you need to make it so that you can have a larger ceremony."  But I can't. We can only have 20 people at the ceremony, and that seems to not be negotiable. It is the fact. So how do you tell people, who plan on flying from one side of the country to the other, that they are not invited to the "intimate ceremony?" I know I have to do clever invitation wording, making sure they know it is just for the reception [I should have made that more clear in the STDs, but I didn't know I couldn't negotiate this at the time]. But even more: how do I make it up to them? I thought of signing the actual marriage license at the reception, so they could witness that. Maybe even say our vows over again? I don't know.  I know many people would not want to fly across the country for a wedding, only for it to be a small Sunday afternoon appetizer party [but there will be music! food! a photobooth! or maybe they don't care]. If finances were not so tight, this would be a little easier. What do you think? Invite them to the rehearsal dinner? Have a brunch the next day? [But who will still be there on a Monday?] Sign the wedding license at the reception? I am really losing sleep over this, as this is not how I planned it on being. And I am already getting mean remarks from a guest about it [ironically, this guest is part of the 5% that actually lives in the city of the wedding, let alone the state... she is my biggest case of wedding drama! ugh. anyways...]. Help? I feel like an awful person.
Posted by GreatB[/QUOTE]

The whole thing sounds like a mess.  Sounds like you need to sit down and drastically re-plan something that involves the people you're inviting to fly across the world in the thing they think they're flying for!

LessThanZero

The only way a ceremony will really cost more with having a larger guest list will be if chair rental is involved. I'm having my ceremony at the same place as my reception but outside. Chair rental is $5/pp so if let's say you were having 200 people that would be $1000 more. Understandable. However, like PPs have said people will probably not appreciate spending money and time to travel only to have appetizers and drinks.

Either change your venue or get rid of the photobooth and use that money towards a full meal and chair rental for all of the guests.

Beachy730

I wouldn't be upset if I flew across country for an afternoon appetizer reception.  I would be pissed.  Especially if I was misled to believe I was attending the ceremony and a sit down reception, to find out after booking flight, hotel, rental car, etc. that I wasn't even invited to the ceremony, and wasn't served a meal.  And the photobooth would not be a consolation to me, I would wonder why you sprung for that instead of a meal. 

Ditto PPs that you need to drastically change your plans.  I felt much less on display at our ceremony than I did at our reception.  At the ceremony my back was to everyone, and I was focused on marrying my H.  I could have had 10 people behind me or the 100 or so we did, I wouldn't have known.  The reception is where you are more on display IMO with your first dance, cake cutting, etc.

I usually don't mind intimate, family only ceremonies.  But if 95% of your guests are flying cross country, then what you are suggesting is just extremely rude. 

GreatB

I know this doesn't make things better, but I did want to explain a few things:

We "won" a 20-person wedding through a contest, and asked if we could extend at least the reception to more people who want to go. I happen to be from the west coast, and many of my friends have moved out to the west coast, but the wedding is on the east coast where I attended college. So the contest people said I could invite more people to reception, since we were paying for the catering already.

The STD only mentioned receptions and never said anything about ceremonies, although it did not explicitly say that people were not invited to the ceremony because I was still checking in with that. The positive aspect is that I have spoken to most everyone on the guest list in person/on the phone about how we are trying to work with the ceremony site, so most of them are aware of the struggle, although I will admit that it doesn't mean they remember they are invited to a reception-only event... but it doesn't seem anyone has bought their tickets yet [except maybe for some family members that would be at the ceremony anyway].

Also, my STD is a 3-part STD [they are all done through internet using email/youtube videos] and the first one I sent out was 8 months ahead of the wedding, phrased more as a "If you plan on coming, let us know by giving us your mailing address for the invites! more news to come in next months issue."  This month the new STD video [which will be based off The Office] will have all the info for the hotel blocks, the ceremony, etc. I know this does not make it better necessarily, but they wont be buying their tickets thinking they are going to the ceremony-- they will know ahead of time and it will be their choice. I was wondering what I could do to make it still feel great if they did chose to come.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_theyre-only-invited-reception-tell-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ee20588-0014-4f28-9b4e-c5e8f6ad5b76Post:5ef21f57-51f7-46ab-8455-dbb815bececc">Re: When they're only invited to the reception... how to tell them and how to make it up to them.</a>:
[QUOTE]I know this doesn't make things better, but I did want to explain a few things: We "won" a 20-person wedding through a contest, and asked if we could extend at least the reception to more people who want to go. I happen to be from the west coast, and many of my friends have moved out to the west coast, but the wedding is on the east coast where I attended college. So the contest people said I could invite more people to reception, since we were paying for the catering already. The STD only mentioned receptions and never said anything about ceremonies, although it did not explicitly say that people were not invited to the ceremony because I was still checking in with that. The positive aspect is that I have spoken to most everyone on the guest list in person/on the phone about how we are trying to work with the ceremony site, so most of them are aware of the struggle, although I will admit that it doesn't mean they remember they are invited to a reception-only event... but it doesn't seem anyone has bought their tickets yet [except maybe for some family members that would be at the ceremony anyway]. Also, my STD is a 3-part STD [they are all done through internet using email/youtube videos] and the first one I sent out was 8 months ahead of the wedding, phrased more as a "If you plan on coming, let us know by giving us your mailing address for the invites! more news to come in next months issue."  This month the new STD video [which will be based off The Office] will have all the info for the hotel blocks, the ceremony, etc. I know this does not make it better necessarily, but they wont be buying their tickets thinking they are going to the ceremony-- they will know ahead of time and it will be their choice. I was wondering what I could do to make it still feel great if they did chose to come.
Posted by GreatB[/QUOTE]
You're right, it doesn't make anything better.  You can have an intimate ceremony, but in order to avoid hurting people's feelings, it better be VERY intimate - as in immediate family only (parents, siblings, grandparents, children.)  Invite people to the reception, and serve them good food.  Ditch the photobooth and spend the money on upgrading your meal.  And, for the love of god, send out REAL STDs.  There are so many problems that you can encounter with email/electronic invites. 

psichick

so if you're paying for the catering what exactly did you "win"? not that it matters really as the whole thing is completely fubar'd anyway. 

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]I wouldn't be upset if I flew across country for an afternoon appetizer reception.  I would be pissed.  Especially if I was misled to believe I was attending the ceremony and a sit down reception, to find out after booking flight, hotel, rental car, etc. that I wasn't even invited to the ceremony, and wasn't served a meal.  And the photobooth would not be a consolation to me, I would wonder why you sprung for that instead of a meal.  Ditto PPs that you need to drastically change your plans.  I felt much less on display at our ceremony than I did at our reception.  At the ceremony my back was to everyone, and I was focused on marrying my H.  I could have had 10 people behind me or the 100 or so we did, I wouldn't have known.  The reception is where you are more on display IMO with your first dance, cake cutting, etc. I usually don't mind intimate, family only ceremonies.  But if 95% of your guests are flying cross country, then what you are suggesting is just extremely rude. 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
Yeah, all of this.

The only way that it could be "made up" to me would be by choosing to distance myself from you for a while.

And your further explanation doesn't help any at all, but why didn't you put it there in the first place? It's so annoying when people dole out information bit by bit.

lara&aaron

I think you need a new ceremony venue. One that can accomodate all your guests and can provide chairs for all of them too. I think it is rude to provide some chairs, and make the rest stand during ceremony, even if it is short. I had a short ceremony too, but we ended up starting 15 mins late. So if my guests had been standing, they would have been standing for over 30 mins.

DanielleZZ

IMO if you let them know in advance that they will only be coming to the reception then its fine to have it that way but... you can't make it up to anyone, those who want to come anyways will and those who are offended wont.  You should also feed them a full meal.

nda_roxybabe

I too am curious as to what you won. If all you won was a 20 person ceremony I'd decline it. The ceremony is not the part that cost money.
I'd be annoyed to fly and only get a half assed reception. Especially when the "destination" is Boston. It's not like it's Aruba and you're getting married in an intimate ceremony on the beach.