how to honour my deceased brother

Autumn1991

my brother was supposed to be one of my FI's groomsmen but he suddenly passed away this year. And i want to honour him at our wedding, but i don't want to offend people, but i want to show people just how much he will be missed that day. he was a helicopter pilot who died doing what he loved. i have read the white rose or a candle or a picture, but somehow i want to incorporate his passion for flying. any suggestions that still show respect to him and my family?

Jen4948

Maybe have a theme involving flying?  I have to admit that I'm not sure how that would work in practice.

You could also mention it in a wedding program.

Peledreamsofrain

I'm sorry for your loss.

Pick something that is small and subtle, but personally meaningful to you.

For my grandfather, I wove his favorite plant into grapevine wreaths as centerpeices.  People who knew him enjoyed the subtle memorial, but people who didn't just enjoyed the beautiful decorations.

Avion22

I agree that something small and private is probably best.

I would suggest puting a small mention in the program (if you are having one).  You could do an "in memoriam" section.    It would also be nice if you can do something that's private and meaningful to yourelf.  Maybe you could wear a piece of his jewelry (or dogtags if he was in the military) under your dress or wrapped around your bouquet.  Or put a picture of him in a locket.   Maybe you could rock out to his favorite song at the reception.

I say this because really overt memorials at weddings can be SUPER difficult following a loss, especially for people who show up expecting a happy event and are suddenly reminded of their grief.  I would recommend against having a chair left empty, photo displays, etc.   Whatever you do (even if its a note in the program), be sure to run it by your parents, grandparents, other siblings, and his widdow (if he was married) so they are expecting it on wedding day.   It's going to be such an emotional day as it is (hopefully happy!) that even small things can put grieving people over the edge.

HockeyFan4

ditto everyone else.

I think a small charm in your bouquet would be nice.  There are a ton of helicopter charms available.

http://www.google.com/search?q=helicopter+charm&hl=en&tbm=shop&prmd=imvns&source=lnms&sa=X&ei=qmKOUKqhEeXZ0QGMw4GoCA&ved=0CA4Q_AUoBQ&biw=1152&bih=567#q=helicopter+charm&hl=en&sa=X&tbs=p_ord:p&tbm=shop&prmd=imvns&ei=uGKOUMHhO6nz0gH3lIGABw&ved=0CFUQuw0oAQ&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.&fp=e140f2bd3a62afcd&bpcl=35466521&biw=1152&bih=567

[Deleted User]

See if you can find a helicopter charm/pin. Your florist can probably work it into your bouquet even if it's on the stem. If you find a lapel type pin, your FI can wear that too.

This way you, your FI and your immediate family know that you are honoring him in a very respectful way and in a way that won't be sad. Like a PP said, he would want you to be happy & to celebrate your special day.

ceceibson

At the start of our ceremony, we had 2 young friends walk to the altar with long-stemmed sunflowers, one for DH's parents, one for my late husband [my childrens' father], one for my brother and one for my DH's son, all of whom died in the past several years.  I made tags for each with the person's name, etc.

Later, at the receptions, we gave the flowers to certain people [my brother's to my mom, DH's son's to his mom/DH's ex-wife, etc.]

In our program it listed the song the girls were walking to then said "Our friends, ___ and ____ present flowers in memory of those we ae missing most today."

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-honour-my-deceased-brother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f92d001-a64a-4f66-b38c-d1370e438614Post:1093f3ea-c6d2-44e7-954f-75e47a8f5166">Re: how to honour my deceased brother</a>:
[QUOTE]At the start of our ceremony, we had 2 young friends walk to the altar with long-stemmed sunflowers, one for DH's parents, one for my late husband [my childrens' father], one for my brother and one for my DH's son, all of whom died in the past several years.  I made tags for each with the person's name, etc. Later, at the receptions, we gave the flowers to certain people [my brother's to my mom, DH's son's to his mom/DH's ex-wife, etc.] In our program it listed the song the girls were walking to then said "Our friends, ___ and ____ present flowers in memory of those we ae missing most today."
Posted by ceceibson[/QUOTE]


OP if you do this, be sure to check with the recepients of the memoria first. Some things like this where done when my dad died, and it sucks to have your grief put on the spot. Not that I'm saying ceceibson did this, she just didn't specify if she let them know or not in her post.

Honestly you can greive and remember however you want, just don't put other people's emotions on display.

ceceibson

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-honour-my-deceased-brother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f92d001-a64a-4f66-b38c-d1370e438614Post:823a0474-8a9e-4b7b-9d68-2c6bd15a030b">Re: how to honour my deceased brother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how to honour my deceased brother : OP if you do this, be sure to check with the recepients of the memoria first. Some things like this where done when my dad died, and it sucks to have your grief put on the spot. Not that I'm saying ceceibson did this, she just didn't specify if she let them know or not in her post. Honestly you can greive and remember however you want, just don't put other people's emotions on display.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

<div>Good point.  And, yes, everyone knew what we were doing.  My late husband's parents, in particular, I wanted their input ahead of time.  They were thrilled we chose to rememeber their son.  And, I should add that when we gave the flowers out at the reception, it was done so very privately.</div>

ajordan627

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-honour-my-deceased-brother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1f92d001-a64a-4f66-b38c-d1370e438614Post:f66f834a-738a-49eb-93ab-4e1f939d6878">Re: how to honour my deceased brother</a>:
[QUOTE]See if you can find a helicopter charm/pin. Your florist can probably work it into your bouquet even if it's on the stem. If you find a lapel type pin, your FI can wear that too. This way you, your FI and your immediate family know that you are honoring him in a very respectful way and in a way that won't be sad. Like a PP said, he would want you to be happy & to celebrate your special day.
Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

I agree.  I think a small helicopter pin in/on your bouquet and on your groom's lapel would be lovely, or carry a small pic of him on your bouquet. 

I think we're going to put framed pictures of our family members who will be "watching from Heaven" on a table as you go into the ceremony space.  I'm also briefly acknowledging them in our program I think.  I have seen open chairs with a flower arrangement on them, or candle, or picture of the family member - I think it will really come down to what you are comforable with and think will be best.  Maybe you could have your seamstress sew a piece of a favorite t-shirt (or other article of clothing) into the inside of your dress.

I am so sorry for your loss; one of my BMs unexpectedly lost her brother last year and I know what a difficult time this must be for you and your family.  Best wishes to you and hope wedding planning goes well!

Autumn1991

thank you to everyone.