How much stress is normal?

TaniayJohn

Hey gals,
I'm 30 days away from my wedding, and things with money are getting really tight. Seems that each day we think of a new detail we need to take care of. I know the planning is stressful, but it's getting to a point that FI seems to be dreading every minute of it, and I in turn get frustrated at his attitude as well. We are snapping at each other for minuscule things, critizicing each other's decision concerning money, and it's getting so agonizing that the thought of calling off the wedding crosses my mind often.

We had the most stupid argument yesterday about him paying for some airline tickets (because I had found them $200 cheaper somewhere else). Last night was the first time we went to bed without saying "I love you," and it got to me. Badly.
 
Is this really supposed to be SO nerve-wrecking??  If it happened to you, how did you overcome it?

Thanks!

-Tania

shellydiane820

Its only as stressful as you make it out to be.  Don't sweat the small stuff, just think of the end result, you'll be married.

FutureMrsDudley55

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_much-stress-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ffd5f18-4dbe-48b5-b216-5222494a2719Post:4674e130-3def-4cda-a43f-e5914e5165a4">Re: How much stress is normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Its only as stressful as you make it out to be.  Don't sweat the small stuff, just think of the end result, you'll be married.
Posted by shellydiane820[/QUOTE]

Shel, you're so right. I need to write this down and like read it every morning when I get up. Seriously.

RachNRich

It is stressful. But? In 30 days it will be over---and it will seem like no big deal.

So, try not to pick fights (from your end). And have a beer.

MeaghanandMichael

Take a deep breath, it will be ok. Almost every one reaches this point at SOME point in the planning process. It is normal, but still needs to be addressed. I suggest this weekend take a whole day where you do NOTHING wedding or money related. Just grab a picnic lunch and take a walk somewhere. Cuddle and watch favorite movies, go for a bike ride, whatever you like to do as a couple. Reconnect. It will revive you enough to tackle those tricky conversations about money and details in the weeks to come.

stinkerbell6879

I am in the same situation..... But I think I am going to take Shelly's advice and post it on my mirror to look at EVERY morning until we leave for the wedding!




ETA: Oh! and Rach's advice for having a beer too! lol

aMrsin09

What kind of deatils are you just now remembering? 

Any chance that your wedding will be just as fabulous and that you'll be just as married if you forget them again?

I had a "list" two weeks before the wedding.  I looked at it one day and just tossed it.  I am still married with out a tablecloth and flower arrangements on the signing table.

Calumet

I hit this point like 6 months out... and somewhere around 2 months (it's now 3 weeks away!) everything was okay. No matter the problem it feels handle-able now.

I think everyone gets here. Talk about why you're doing all this, get excited for the marriage... evrything else can slip to the back burner.

amandabartlett

I think everyone has been there! I'm 5 months out and I've already had quite a few bridezilla moments. I made a note to myself and put it where I can see it every day... "This is about a marriage, not a wedding. I'm lucky enough to be marrying my best friend."
Sometimes I just need a reminder that it's not about the wedding at all....it's just a small detail in the rest of my life....there's SO MUCH beyond the wedding that I look forward to, so why sweat the small stuff about the wedding....no one is going to notice it anyway!

katiewhompus

Repeat after me "Everything will work, everything will be ok" and then breathe.
Take a weekend and have an in home date night. Pop some popcorn, rent a movie and curl up on the couch together. Don't even mention money or the wedding at all. Remind yourself that it's the marriage that's important, and the partnership between the two of you.

Stress happens, and arguements happen, and I hate to say it but they don't stop happening after the wedding. Give your fi a hug and tell him how much you love him, and remind him that no matter what happens you are in this together, and together you will reap the rewards.

sgervais88

I agree with PPs. They had some really good advice in there.

Just wanted to add: I honestly always thought wedding planning was supposed to be stressful for a reason. It's a major phase you are going through with your FI and it will help you learn more about how he works. You're learning more about yourselves and how you both handle finances and conflicts and arguments. Just take a deep breath and remember that if you can survive this, your marriage will be that much stronger.

JenPhil6212

it's happened to me too. We just try to move on. We had an argument over how much our venue costs. He got really upset. The next day he apologized. But money is always a big thing. Mainly cause my parents aren't helping with anything.

megd23_13145137

Sometimes when it comes to the details I think about the weddings I've been too and realize most of it doesn't really matter.  Do I remember what the guestbook looked like (Did I even sign it?), did you care notice the placecards? did you even take the favor with you? The things I remember about attending weddings (fun, food, drinking, dancing, crying at the ceremony) are the things I'm trying to put my energies into

I also second the "it is what you make of it motto"...I always say to everyone I don't get all the stress over weddings but I pretty much feel like mine takes care of itself!  I don't know if I'm lucky, maybe I am, but what will be will be is what I think of it good luck

kates84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_much-stress-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ffd5f18-4dbe-48b5-b216-5222494a2719Post:8bd37a40-6879-4772-ada8-899bb9d2a818">Re: How much stress is normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]It is stressful. But? In 30 days it will be over---and it will seem like no big deal. So, try not to pick fights (from your end). And have a beer.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

Oooo....this made me giggle! And it's great advice. :)

Mel5802

Take a deep breath, it will be ok. Almost every one reaches this point at SOME point in the planning process. It is normal, but still needs to be addressed. I suggest this weekend take a whole day where you do NOTHING wedding or money related. Just grab a picnic lunch and take a walk somewhere. Cuddle and watch favorite movies, go for a bike ride, whatever you like to do as a couple. Reconnect. It will revive you enough to tackle those tricky conversations about money and details in the weeks to come.


this made me tear up. if everyone did this when they were mad enough to go to bed with out saying i love you, there may be less divorces. every couple needs to reconnect many timnes in their time together, and during the wedding planning process is no different. im 2 years out..lol..and i hope that i  use all these great tips to keep our love strong.
congratulations to all engaged and newly weds!!

basclef84

Step 1.  BREATHE!
Step 2.  This might be a good time for you and the Mr. to combine forces and plan out the remainder of the details together, so there isn't any blame or miscommunication to be had.  Also, as others have said, if something doesn't come out as planned, so what?!  You're still going to wind up married at the end of the day (unless you forget the marriage license, but who's counting?) and it won't matter if the "little details" are in place or not.  While it is important to stick within the budget, the tickets are purchased now, so kiss and make up and keep planning the fun!
Step 3.  See step 1!

sarah&tom2010

I'm two weeks out, and we had our first "b*tchy" day with each other recently. It was devastating. Later that evening I apologized, he apologized, and we spent the next two days NOT talking about wedding stuff.

It's normal, you'll get through it. Definitely take the advice above -- designate "no wedding planning" days, don't sweat the small stuff, have a beer, and remember why the two of you decided to get married in the first place.

theresat858

Take a deep breath, tell him you love him, give him a hug with an "I'm sorry" (if required)...and step away from the wedding planning details for a bit.  And I'm all for the suggestion of have a beer - or a glass of wine if that's more your style.

As for all of the details... I like what our future officiant said to us the other day... If you get the marriage license, and I am there, and you two are there, the rest of it doesn't matter - you will get married and the wedding will happen and it will be okay.

I also realized the other day that I am spending way more time thinking about details of my wedding than I ever did thinking about details of things like, oh, how to decorate my condo - to the point where I think I spent more time looking at linens for *one* night than I did looking at kitchen tile that I will see every day that I live here (at least a few more years!).  Its easy to get hung up on all of the small details (that most guests won't notice and you might not even remember in a year), but remember the important parts: spending the rest of your life with this man you have chosen and celebrating that fact with family and friends.

KDeola

My FI and I have never fought so much!  My stress level is at an all time high, I'm so hyper that I want to get so much done, and he's more laid back.  I do not like the person that I am becoming.  My wedding is less than 2 months away now...I know we will be back to normal afer that!

arendadru

I was feeling this way about my invitations last week.  Were they classy enough, pretty enough, on time enough etc.  I had to step back and say to myself IT'S JUST PAPER.  Most people will throw it in the trash, if they don't like it...who cares?

I hate to say it but as helpful as the knot is with planning it also is a stressor, It  spells out what to do and what not to do so well that I always worry i am doing something wrong/forgetting something.  Use the suggestions you like and ignore the rest.

Your relationship with FI is so much more important than whatever you are worrying about.

funbridegroom

I'm going through the same exact thing as you right how. My wedding is currently 2 months away. I'm so stressed that I am getting nose bleeds, which has never happend to me in my life. On top of the money crunch... family is getting to be a hassle. They get there feelings hurt over the smallest of things. Some of them are sad when I invite one person and not the other to help me pick stuff out for the wedding. When I did invite them but they had other plans that they couldn't cancel to come help me when my wedding isn't too far away. I definately feel yah girl!!! Even with all the stress I keep on trucking cuz I love my fiance no matter how snappy we can be at one another. When I start to get in that upset mood I remind myself that we have to work as a team or nothing will ever be accomplished.

lyricalcandy

I'm a little under  4 months out ... we hit this point briefly once and we may well hit it again but I got past it by focusing on what we DO have... a church to get married in and a pastor to marry us ... the rest will either fall into place or it won't. Don't let the wedding overshadow the marriage!

(feel free to call me a hippocrite in a few weeks if I'm on here freaking out)

natlovesmark

Its normal for you and your fiance to get into tiffs during the wedding planning process. I know me and my fiance do. But, you can't let it get the best of you, remember you are planning a ceremony that celebrates your love, so don't lose sight of that aspect. Good luck and all the best.

DebbeyD

I am 43 days away and the stress level is increasing. Too much to do with too little time and not alot of help. I was told, by my physician of all people, that the worst month of my marriage would be the month before the wedding. It looks like she was right. I am just trying to carve out a wee but on me time, ie. a long soak in a hot tub, curling up with a good book or both to try to offset some of the stress.
Just found out we are getting a 20% bonus at work, that helped a bunch. It will pay the bar bill at the reception.
Hang on and keep your chin up. It will be worth it in the end.

062610

Trust me, I am stressed too!  My fiance and I got into our biggest fight ever yesterday, and it was about the guest list!  I told him that he gets so many and I get so many, and every single day his parents have been pushing and pushing for more people!  Seriously, his parents are the one thing that could break us apart because they continue to push themselves on me!
My stress may not be the same as yours, but I think every bride has something important to them that stresses them out.  Mine is the guest list - Yours is the plane tickets.  It sucks that people don't understand that we have enough going on that we just can't deal with their crap, but they don't...and they won't.  I told my fiance that he needed to tell his parents to back off (this is after MONTHS of them nagging at me) or else I would not deal with them for the rest of my life.  For the plane tickets... it sucks that he spent the extra money on the tickets (I understand how tight money is!), but they are paid for and reserved... So just let him know that when it comes down to the next detail that there is an argument about, that you automatically win because he spent so much on the tickets. 

Sperezjw10

We just had a disagreement yesterday too. There is some great advice on here. Thanks! I have just been so stressed about the out of town guests and i cant shed 5 lbs for my life....I need to just look past the wedding day. At the end of the day, we will not remember every little detail but will cherish the big moments!

smatlin

I have two suggestions:

1. Take a look at how the two of you argue. Do you argue fairly? Do either of you yell loudly or whine annoyingly? Can you (and do you) both learn anything from the argument? Have you made agreements ahead of time about how much you'll spend on things? What happens when one of you realizes you'll have to go over budget? 

My fiance and I have made certain agreements, and then had to check back in when things didn't go as planned. For instance, I used travel miles to buy us a trip last year, and he promised to use his for our honeymoon. He also didn't like the idea of a honeymoon registry. Then he realized that he didn't have enough points to fly us to our honeymoon destination after all, so he agreed to the honeymoon registry to help pay for it! Also, we had agreed to $1,000 for our florist budget, but with taxes and fees, it came to $1,300. We took a deep breath and decided not to include an inner envelope in our invitations. You are past that point, but there may be some compromises you can still make. 

2. Look at weddingwire.com for an awesome online budget tool. It will help you understand where the money has gone, and get a better idea of where it still needs to go. (Maybe The Knot has one, too, but I haven't used it.) 

Follow everyone else's suggestions about a wedding-free day. Finally, if you have serious concerns about how well the two of you deal with conflict, try to talk honestly with him about your concerns. If you don't feel like you can't talk to him about it, your thoughts about not getting married may be healthy. 

Hopefully, this is just a phase that will soon pass! Best of luck to both of you.

scrawford1957

It's only stressful if you let it get that way.  As you find out during the planning process it's always best to compromise...and communicate.  I am basically planning our entire wedding but if there is something I am not sure of I will ask him what he thinks.  Most men can't or don't want to be bothered with details.  For us...our wedding budget is tight...I mean to the point where its only costing me around $3K or less.  Between the hall, DJ, JP and caterer I am spending only $1522.  I bought a lot of things we needed online through efavormart.com and I'm keeping it simple.  Our honeymoon consists of a week at the Fantasy World Resort in in Kissimmee, FL.  Booked it through Expedia.com and got a fantastic discount for booking early and prepaid it.  Since my FH doesn't like to fly we are just going to drive down the coast at our leisure a couple days ahead of our reservations and take our time sightseeing.  You may have disagreements from time to time but don't ever let the sun set without making up and kissing each other good night and saying I love you.  My FH and I have been together almost 4 years and if something bothers either of us we talk about it. 

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Camanda31

I think almost everyone hits this point, but as so many people have said, don't sweat the small stuff.  No one is going to remember the flower arrangements on the guestbook table or even remember what the guest book looks like.  As long as you have the big things covered (food, drinks, and DJ) everything else will come together.  Plus the most important thing is that you get to marry your best friend.  Everything else is just an added bonus.  I also agree with having a beer or glass of wine.  That usually helps. 

soon2bemrsclw3

sorry you are stressing, I can only imagine! (im 3.5 months out still)...you should really be enjoying each day leading up to your wedding...just remember each day is one day closer to your wedding, but one less day that you can call him your Fiance...cherish this stressful yet wonderful time in your lives! this is the only time in your lives where you will be engaged!

Also I have(had) a coworker (she moved) who is about 1 month out from her wedding....for the last few weeks she has seemed soooo calm, every detail big or small seemed to be taken care of and now all she has to do is wait for her wedding day...and I envied her for it! I can't wait to be sooo close and just being able to let go and not worry about the small things...all that matters is walking down that aisle to the love of your life!

ashleynicnb

i know exactly how you feel!!! my FI and i never argued as much as we do now, during the wedding planning. at one point in time (particularly when we were about 30 days away!) we sat down and i explained to him that this is supposed to be a happy time, and although we're in financial straits, we will be ok in "x" amount of days, and lets just focus on the fact that were gonna be married soon!!! so whenever things get tough now, (we have eight days left!) we just make a joke like, "ah, i cant wait till we dont have to worry about these payments and stress, etc" and then we talk about how we're excited to be husband and wife and thats the most important thing. sometimes guys need to be reminded how much we love them. some of the stress on their end, is they think we are making a bigger deal about the wedding than we are about our actual marriage. (guys are a little bit more emotional than we think! they just dont show it!) when you see him getting frazzled, detour his brain and give him kisses and tell him how much you love him, etc.! good luck!