Discussing wedding behavior and gift ettiquet with fiance's friends

donnaronna

My fiance's friends are really fun people to be around and I'm really excited to celebrate with them, but there are two things I'm not sure how or if I should discuss with them.

First, some of them are into recreational drugs and I would really prefer that they not be on anything for the wedding ceremony and reception because our parents and family will be there & I don't want to have to explain why so-and-so is acting a certain way.  They've never gotten out of hand before but I'm paranoid and I personally hate drug use.  Can I talk to them about this?  If so, how should I go about it?

Second, I do not want to come across as selfish but I'm worried that his friends might not realize how much one is supposed to spend on a wedding gift - usually the cost spent per person if I am not mistaken.  At most, it would be $100 and we're aiming for lower than that because of our budget.  I could probably avoid this by putting things on the registry at or around this price range, and we need as much as people are willing to give.  Plus, if they decide to give cash, we would definitely appreciate it but we'd like to make back some of the cost of the wedding.   I'm afraid they don't realize this & it's such an awkward topic to broach.  Am I being too presumptuous with this?  I'll take any recommendations as to how to handle this.  Thanks!

kate2188

Ok. I'm sure his friends are not nearly as dumb as you seem to think they are, and will not be stoned at their friend's wedding, but since you seem slightly less sure, I'll try to go by your line of reasoning, which is that they might consider it. If you really are concerned they lack the sense of social awareness to refrain from using drugs on this one day, when you are hanging out with his friends, and the topic of the wedding comes up, either you or, preferably, your FI can just say, "Hey, dudes, no drugs at the wedding, ok?" But, I will repeat, I really don't think they are that dumb that they would think it is acceptable to smoke up right next to your Nana.

And your second question... gifts are never, ever required, nor should they be expected, nor should they shoot to get you a gift that matches what you're spending per plate. Because then you might as well sell tickets to admit people to your wedding. HIs friends will choose or not choose to give you a gift that is within their price range based on what their budget is. How much people spend on your gifts is really not your decision to make. GL!

monkeysip

Question 1:  I don't know what kinda drugs you're talking about, but I would hesitate to invite hardcore drug users to my wedding in the first place.  Otherwise, I don't see a problem with letting FI (If FI is closer to these people) maybe having a word or two with them about not toking up before the ceremony.

Question 2:  Weddings are not investments.  You don't make your money back.  Even if you have super rich friends and could make your money back--you don't TRY and get your money back.  You don't spend money on them hoping to get a huge gift.

People will give what they want and can afford to give.  You should be delighted if they attend, and hopefully, give you a card of well wishes.  But don't expect a gift.  Sheesh.

Simply Fated

They're your fiancé's friends, not yours. You shouldn't say anything to them. If they show up stoned, it's for your fiancé to handle. Don't say anything about gifts to them, either.

LittleMissCutiePie

1. Hopefully they'll be adult enough to not use drugs. If they do, you should probably ask them to leave, because that's completely disrespectful of you and your husband's day of celebration. If you ohonestly ciannot see them NOT using drugs without a talking to, don't invite them. That's the price you pay when you become a drug addict; you don't get invited to things.
2. Wedding gifts have no ettiquette because they aren't required. If they decide to buy you anything, simply direct them to your registry. Don't expect to make any money off this wedding. That is completely against ettiquette, so I'm surprised the word ettiquette even made it into your post. Don't use your wedding as a cash grab. If someone gets you a gift, you should treat it as such: a token of love or goodwill toward your marriage.

I seriously hope you have the common sense to realize that a wedidng is, above all, about love. Not money. If you can't accept that, then you aren't ready to get married.

kmmssg

The very idea that you want your guests to pay their way at your wedding is seriously offensive.  You never count on "making back some of your money" and you NEVER EVER expect a guest to cover their plate.  If this is something a guest wants to do then great, but you should never expect it.  You are looking at your wedding all wrong here.

AdeleDazeem

What the hell kind of question is the second one?  You want to "make back some of your money" and "they don't understand how much a wedding gift is supposed to cost?" and you "need all the help you can get?"

Ohmygodwtfbbq?

You are hosting your wedding, not sponsoring a telathon.  If you can't afford your wedding to the point that you want to make money back on your event, then you're doing it wrong.  Gifts are just that - presents from people who are offering their time and money to you.  They are not mandated and to assume so is just ...rude, selfish, and inappropriate.

As for recreational drug use?  I would not be friends with people who thought popping some herion was cool any day of the week, let alone at a wedding.

lyndausvi

Yikes.

1 - don't worry about it.  Recreational drug users know when it's appropriate to use and when it's not.  Or at least the ones I know

2 -  I do not care if it's a birthday party or a wedding.  You should NEVER try and 'make back some money' when hosting a party.  That is just absurd.   Really it's the stupidest thing I have ever heard and my DH's family are 'cover your plate people'.  

chelseamb11

:headdesk:
There is no etiquette out there that says how much somene should spend on a wedding gift or any other gift.  Bottom line.

froggatt.clare

You could have them just give you the drugs they would have done.  That way, they won't be on anything and you can sell the drugs and make back the money you spent on your wedding.  2 birds, one stone.

pgcp

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_discussing-wedding-behavior-gift-ettiquet-fiances-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2019f280-3b30-4979-b5d5-ed4da3fe75f8Post:a4c8b24e-a19d-4a10-b6b0-f0ad17c365c3">Re: Discussing wedding behavior and gift ettiquet with fiance's friends</a>:
[QUOTE]Sit them down and tell them that for however much they spend on weed for a week, double that cost and buy you an awesome gift or cash instead. Simple! They'll be sober and you will earn back some of your money for the wedding. *eyeroll*
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]
***WIN***

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_discussing-wedding-behavior-gift-ettiquet-fiances-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2019f280-3b30-4979-b5d5-ed4da3fe75f8Post:ac3129f4-937d-441e-80cf-f5ddb3ec71cd">Re: Discussing wedding behavior and gift ettiquet with fiance's friends</a>:
[QUOTE]What is ettiquet?
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]
DUH! its the male form of Etiquette. You know, the last "te" makes it feminine. In French anyway. 

Choco9

Me, personally, I'd rather have guests a bit stoney than annoyingly drunk.  However, we had both at our wedding and I was cool with that.  Everyone had a great time and got home safely.

I know folks have different tolerance levels for grass, so I understand your opposition, OP.  I am totally fine with it and think it's far less harmful than booze (legalize it! .  I also know enough about it and the friends of mine who smoke it to know ahead of time that no one was going to do anything disrespectful to other guests.  I would guess your fiance's friends are (most likely) the same way if they do it regularly. If you think they are not, have your FI bring it up casually.  That's all you can really do and I wouldn't worry about it, honestly.

SparrowSong

1.  This is not yours to control. Brides seem to get so invested in the perfect day they get carried away and think they can control who their guests are dating, what they are wearing, and what their life choices are. If you have friends who are users or one kind or another, whether they use on your perfect day is just not something that's up to you. If they behave inappropriately, ask them to leave. If you know they will behave inappropriately, don't invite them in the first place.

2. Again, this is not yours to control. Gifts are gifts. There are no obligations, and there is no financial minimum to make it qualify as a decent gift. Guests can give anything they want, including nothing, and you can be grateful for anything you do receive, even if it's not what you would have given yourself. A wedding is not a fundraiser, and you definitely should not be expecting to pay for some or all of the wedding with the gifts/money you receive. If you are, you are planning a wedding that is too expensive and you need to reevaluate your budget.

ginadog

If you were like me, your parents drilled it into you that weddings are to make money.  Period.  If you haven't been to that many overall, and this is what you hear growing up - coming on a board like this might seem like a huge shock.  You might feel attacked.  Been there, done that - about 10 years ago.

But it is true - weddings are about celebrating your day with people you want to be around, and to "treat" them to a nice time to thank them for coming.  Gifts really aren't required and there is no gift etiquitte. 

Besides the average price that people give at weddngs (should they choose to give you a gift) really varies from location to location.  For example, $20-40 is the norm out here in Utah!

staceycaine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_discussing-wedding-behavior-gift-ettiquet-fiances-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2019f280-3b30-4979-b5d5-ed4da3fe75f8Post:b80bfd93-9173-4b9b-bf98-f4d599e68a8c">Re: Discussing wedding behavior and gift ettiquet with fiance's friends</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If you were like me, your parents drilled it into you that weddings are to make money.  Period.  If you haven't been to that many overall, and this is what you hear growing up - coming on a board like this might seem like a huge shock.</strong>  You might feel attacked.  Been there, done that - about 10 years ago. But it is true - weddings are about celebrating your day with people you want to be around, and to "treat" them to a nice time to thank them for coming.  Gifts really aren't required and there is no gift etiquitte.  Besides the average price that people give at weddngs (should they choose to give you a gift) really varies from location to location.  For example, $20-40 is the norm out here in Utah!
Posted by ginadog[/QUOTE]

<div>I was going to say this. Prior to getting on this board, I, too, always did the "cost per plate" thing when going to weddings (if I didn't know the couple that well--if they were friends, they got the most generous gift I could afford at the time). I thought that's how it was. I came here and realized I needed to get over that. People will come to your wedding and not bring anything. Not even a card. You will probably get upset about that. But hanging around the board for a while will make you realize that these people are sharing your day with you. That SHOULD be a gift in itself. </div><div>
</div><div>Now that you know this, hopefully you won't say anything to guests. While I used to think the "cost per plate" thing was real, I would NEVER have thought about telling people how much they needed to give me for the wedding. THAT is just in poor taste. </div><div>
</div><div>And I mean really. I'm smoking crack if I think I'm going to get $XX in cash for my wedding to "make up for it." If this is how you think, you probably should just not spend the money on the wedding to begin with (believe me--I've thought about it).</div>

Serendipty11

When were weddings EVER about making cash? Silly me I thought weddings were about marriage....