Wedding Etiquette Forum

A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay...

One of my bridesmaids I don't think realizes she needs to pay for her own dress. She has never been in a wedding before so I just believe she doesn't know she has to pay. How should I let her know that typically BM pay for their dresses?

Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay...

  • Ask her what her budget for the dress is before you start looking. 
    Either she will give you an answer or she will ask "wtf are you talking about?", then you can explain to her that she needs to pay for the dress.
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  • What Crash said. You should be asking your BMs what their budget is before looking at dresses. Asking that quesion should clue her in to the fact that she has to pay.
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  • Have you found a dress? Have you talked budget about a dress? I would think it would come up quite quickly if you were to say "hey what budget are you guys (not singleing her out, asking the bm's in general) comfortable with? Or I love this dress...does it work for your budgets??? 

    Also my experience has been its really 50/50...some brides pay for bm's dresses (especially if they are over budget for the bm's- or they pay the difference) and some don't. It doesnt seem to be one way across the board

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  • (This is from The Knot)
    A.

    Don't worry! You're obviously not in danger of being rude if you're worrying about this. The easiest way to let them know is to be open about it. Bring your maids dress shopping with you, and when you're looking at a particular dress, it's okay to say to the group, "Do you girls think this one is going to be too expensive for you?" If one of the newbie maids blanches, either you or one of the girls who's been down this road before can explain that it's the norm for bridesmaids to pay their own way when it comes to dresses (and often accessories). If you are genuinely concerned that being in your wedding might be a financial burden for one or more of your maids, so long as you're sensitive to it, you should be fine -- look for dresses that are relatively inexpensive, or choose a color you like and have them select their own dresses, spending as much as they see fit.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nice-way-tell-someone-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:203cc133-9a23-4d3f-9e2a-1a0a157a9397Post:54139be1-635e-4c08-bb08-d6f3f04c99e3">Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay...</a>:
    [QUOTE](This is from The Knot) A. Don't worry! You're obviously not in danger of being rude if you're worrying about this. The easiest way to let them know is to be open about it. Bring your maids dress shopping with you, and when you're looking at a particular dress, it's okay to say to the group, "Do you girls think this one is going to be too expensive for you?" If one of the newbie maids blanches, either you or one of the girls who's been down this road before can explain that it's the norm for bridesmaids to pay their own way when it comes to dresses (and often accessories). If you are genuinely concerned that being in your wedding might be a financial burden for one or more of your maids, so long as you're sensitive to it, you should be fine -- look for dresses that are relatively inexpensive, or choose a color you like and have them select their own dresses, spending as much as they see fit.
    Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]

    Erm...thanks for the TK answer?

    OP while you should ask what your BMs budget is, I would advise against doing it in front of everyone else. If someone says they can only afford a $100 dress and you ask them in front of others who are willing to pay $300 for a dress you risk making her feel extremely uncomfortable about her smaller budget. Money should never be discussed in groups.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nice-way-tell-someone-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:203cc133-9a23-4d3f-9e2a-1a0a157a9397Post:54139be1-635e-4c08-bb08-d6f3f04c99e3">Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay...</a>:
    [QUOTE](This is from The Knot) A. Don't worry! You're obviously not in danger of being rude if you're worrying about this. The easiest way to let them know is to be open about it. <strong>Bring your maids dress shopping with you, and when you're looking at a particular dress, it's okay to say to the group, "Do you girls think this one is going to be too expensive for you?"</strong> If one of the newbie maids blanches, either you or one of the girls who's been down this road before can explain that it's the norm for bridesmaids to pay their own way when it comes to dresses (and often accessories). If you are genuinely concerned that being in your wedding might be a financial burden for one or more of your maids, so long as you're sensitive to it, you should be fine -- <strong>look for dresses that are relatively inexpensive</strong>, or choose a color you like and have them select their own dresses, spending as much as they see fit.
    Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]

    You should never put your bridesmaids on the spot like that, especially in a group! How would you feel to be the one girl who <em>isn't</em> comfortable (or able) to spend that amount when everyone else is saying "Yeah, that's fine!"?

    You should pull each BM aside PRIVATELY and BEFORE going dress shopping. Ask each individually what she is comfortable spending, and then look for dress in the range of the LOWEST number you received.

    Don't assume that because it is inexpensive to you that it will be inexpensive to your BMs. For instance, $100 may seem cheap to some people, but that would be the difference between FI and I grocery shopping for a month or not.
  • Well they might not be 100% correct, which makes them wrong. :-)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nice-way-tell-someone-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:203cc133-9a23-4d3f-9e2a-1a0a157a9397Post:7c77c897-6a0b-48e0-9ef8-276741631da4">Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Rule of thumb:  the Knot's answers are almost always wrong.
    Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]



    Word.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nice-way-tell-someone-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:203cc133-9a23-4d3f-9e2a-1a0a157a9397Post:36b25dc5-b40e-4b1f-957a-ca6f23a03650">Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay... : Word.
    Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]

    To your mother...
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  • Okay lol I was just trying to be helpful! I've been taking a lot of the advice on the Knot so hope that I've been doing okay. :S lol Seriously the ideas of the PP above are really great. Hopefully your bridesmaid actually does know that she'll have to pay or otherwise it won't come as too much of a shock to her when she finds out.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nice-way-tell-someone-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:203cc133-9a23-4d3f-9e2a-1a0a157a9397Post:3d8b317d-f0f9-40b2-88ba-0772492fbb84">Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay...</a>:
    [QUOTE]i2i Kelly
    Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

    Back atcha :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nice-way-tell-someone-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:203cc133-9a23-4d3f-9e2a-1a0a157a9397Post:bc7862cd-32a5-4bba-b124-6625e25ae77d">Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay lol I was just trying to be helpful! I've been taking a lot of the advice on the Knot so hope that I've been doing okay. :S lol Seriously the ideas of the PP above are really great. Hopefully your bridesmaid actually does know that she'll have to pay or otherwise it won't come as too much of a shock to her when she finds out.
    Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]

    To be fair I can understand people coming to TK and taking what's on here for face value. I'm glad I found the community though. There's a lot better advice from real people who've been where brides are. It may come off a little harsh sometimes, but there's (almost) always good intentions involved.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nice-way-tell-someone-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:203cc133-9a23-4d3f-9e2a-1a0a157a9397Post:dee6ab0d-5601-400c-99c2-1c7e55d4ebb8">Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay... : To be fair I can understand people coming to TK and taking what's on here for face value. I'm glad I found the community though. There's a lot better advice from real people who've been where brides are. It may come off a little harsh sometimes, but there's (almost) always good intentions involved.
    Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

    Agreed! I take back my post. I honestly had just read that on the Knot so when I read this question I thought "Okay I'll pass on that info I just saw." Oops. I love reading the community pages and it is way more helpful to read a bunch of different perspectives and see where your preferences fall. Plus, a few people on here I have grown to really like their perspective and trust their advice!
  • I always read Edie as sincere... that is all I have to add to this conversation. 
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  • You are not a tool? Damnit I am off today :P 
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  • One of my BMs was like this, arguing that it was a "deep south tradition" for the bride to pay for the BM dresses. Never heard of this, ever. Neither has either of my very southern grandmothers. I'm actually buying her dress next week due to her school schedule and the fact she hasn't gotten it taken care of yet, but she is reimbursing me. 
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  • Thanks, ladies! I'll definitely bring ups asking about her budget and ease on into it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nice-way-tell-someone-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:203cc133-9a23-4d3f-9e2a-1a0a157a9397Post:ba210930-c80d-48ef-ab1c-298ad125724a">Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay...</a>:
    [QUOTE]One of my BMs was like this, arguing that it was a "deep south tradition" for the bride to pay for the BM dresses. Never heard of this, ever. Neither has either of my very southern grandmothers.Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

    I was raised that it was a deep south tradition that the bride (really, her parents) paid for all of the bridesmaid's attire, and that it was appallingly rude to ask the attendants to pay for anything.  In fact, the first time my mom heard that I was buying my own dress for a friend's wedding, she was simultaneously infuriated and had a pearl-clutching moment.  She insisted it was a rude enough request for me to drop out and end the friendship (I didn't, lol. I knew what I was agreeing to.)  It took me weeks to convince her that things were different now, but she really still doesn't believe it's proper.  She and my dad paid for all 5 of my sister's attendants attire at her wedding, and she will be doing the same for me.  She would honestly be humiliated if anyone in the wedding party had to pay for their attire (including the groomsmen's rentals).  Her parents felt the same way, as did her grandparents.  My mom is about as Southern as it gets, too.  Interesting how things can be different...
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nice-way-tell-someone-pay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:203cc133-9a23-4d3f-9e2a-1a0a157a9397Post:d72aa19a-22d1-490e-8e9e-35ec3ce6d2ff">Re: A Nice Way To Tell Someone To Pay...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ask her what her budget for the dress is before you start looking.  Either she will give you an answer or she will ask "wtf are you talking about?", then you can explain to her that she needs to pay for the dress.
    Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

    This.
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