Wedding Etiquette Forum

Paying for themselves

Some of my good friends who I'm unable to invite to my small wedding have offered to pay for themselves simply because they want to go. There's definitely space at the venue, and I would love to have them there, so I'm considering taking them up on the offer on the condition (or at least suggestion/request), that they don't buy any gifts. Their presence alone, and effort to come, is really a huge gift to me.

At the same time, I feel like it may be kind of tacky to let people pay for themselves. The process of collecting that money may be kind of awkward. I just don't know if that's a line I should cross. Opinions?

Re: Paying for themselves

  • I am with PP, it is tacky to accept this offer. This is why it's encouraged that when people ask if they are invited to the wedding, you don't cite budget or space as a reason for a small guest list, as people can try to fight their way onto the guest list with arguments like you received. If they ask again if they can pay their own way, just tell them that you and your FI decided to have an intimate wedding and unfortunately couldn't accomodate everyone you would have liked.
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  • Very, very not ok. I'd thank them for their offer, explain that unfortunately your guest list is already set, but that you'd love to have them over for dinner after the wedding (or whatever).
  • That's so nice of them to offer, but I agree that you should probably not take them up on it.


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_paying-themselves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2043f2ef-0be5-4feb-8b58-93d6c10e027dPost:2d7b6e45-2a0f-4768-bef7-6103a0b16fb0">Paying for themselves</a>:
    [QUOTE]Some of my good friends who I'm unable to invite to my small wedding have offered to pay for themselves simply because they want to go. There's definitely space at the venue, and I would love to have them there, so I'm considering taking them up on the offer on the condition (or at least suggestion/request), that they don't buy any gifts. Their presence alone, and effort to come, is really a huge gift to me. At the same time, I feel like it may be kind of tacky to let people pay for themselves. <strong>The process of collecting that money may be kind of awkward. I</strong> just don't know if that's a line I should cross. Opinions?
    Posted by gsg717[/QUOTE]



    Terribly awkward.   DON'T do it.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

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  • Do not do this. You are basically selling tickets to attend your wedding. See how horribly rude & tacky that sounds?

    Host those that you can afford and just tell everyone else, "I'm so sorry, but we are having a very small wedding. We can't invite everyone we want to. Let's plan to hang out on X, after we get back from our honeymoon." If they bring up paying their way say, "I'm so sorry, but that isn't really an option, but we would love to see you on X we we get back from our honeymoon." You don't have to give any more details why it isn't an option, just that isn't an option.

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  • Bad idea. Go with your gut on this one.
  • I agree with PPs. Also, I sort of think it was rude of them to suggest. Even if their hearts were in the right place I would find it terribly embarassing if this happened to me. It is difficult enough to admit that you can't invite them due to budget I would be mortified if my friends offered to pay for themselves.

    My friend was married this summer. She had a very small wedding. It was incedibly difficult for her to tell our group of friends she could not invite us. We never put her in the awkard position of offering to pay for ourselves. After the wedding we got together with her and brought a gift.
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  • The gut is right 99.9% of the time in my world!
  • Your gut is DEFINITELY right... don't do it... tacky and REALLY awkward
  • This is not ok. As much as it would be nice for you to have them there it's just a bad idea.
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  • Good to know. Thanks for the feedback :)
  • You are correct that this is a bad idea.  You should not accept their offer to pay for themselves.  You and your fiance are hosting the reception, so guests should not be paying for themselves.
  • I would just politely tell them that you want it to be just close family and that you can see them when you get back.  
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