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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Replacing MOH

My MOH dropped out because she doesn't approve of my groom-to-be.  She has invited my other bridesmaids over her house individually (behind my back) & talked to them at length about her concerns, but all of my other bridesmaids honestly think she is a tad nuts -- even after she presented her "best case" to them.  I will even tell my bridesmaids, "Hey, I don't think it's fair to say she's completely crazy," but they will insist this is how they feel.

My fiancee saw how devastated I was after she dropped out, and he's now trying to reach out to her & see if they can have a discussion.  He told my former MOH that he sees how happy she makes me, so he wants her to be a part of things (despite the fact that she clearly trashes my fiancee... this is what a great fiancee I have!!!).  Anyhow, I'm going to assume that my former MOH continues to want nothing to do with our wedding (I think that's a fairly safe assumption to make).  At that point, my question is:  Do I just have no MOH at all?  My wedding is still 10 months away, and I asked my bridesmaids almost 1 year ago already.  In the meantime, I've gotten much, much closer to one of my bridesmaids (our friendship had just begun to blossom when I asked her to be in the wedding).  Would it be so terrible if I asked her to replace my MOH (obviously, I would never use those words!!!)?  My gut tells me it'd be fine.

Re: Replacing MOH

  • 1)  You are the fiancee, your husband-to-be is the fiance.
    2) Don't replace her.  You chose an MOH (albeit very early - cases like yours are why we advise people to wait until they are within a year of the wedding to choose their bridal party), she accepted and then backed out, so now you just don't have an MOH.  You can't promote someone without hurting a lot of feelings.
  • I'm confused about this.   I am positive that if I were my bridesmaid, then I'd be perfectly happy with this situation.  Why would her feelings be hurt if she knows perfectly well that we had still been in the beginning stages of our friendship last year? It seems so odd to have no MOH when we're still 10 months out.
  • You're not required to have an MOH.  I think it's safe to assume she's thoroughly out of the picture, given that she has fallen on her sword over her disapproval of your fiance.  Whether you "promote" (I hate that concept) one of your rank-and-file BMs or not doesn't make much difference.  If it makes sense to you given your circumstances, make your relatively new bestie your MOH.  If you think other BMs would be all judgy and pissy about it, don't.

  • OMG you HAVE to have a MOH. Otherwise, you can't get married!
  • The person who was supposed to be my MOH decided to drop out at least that's what I'm going to assume because she's pretty much ended our friendship. Another girl asked me "well who's going to be your MOH? Whoever can make it?". We're having a DW so I'm assuming that's where the second comment came from. I guess I can't get married without a MOH because clearly the BP is vital to a wedding and a marriage.

    ...I learned my lesson about asking people early, that'll teach me to get excited and not think things through.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_replacing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:208d4e02-1f95-468f-a062-4d0f7d067e3fPost:25df8032-cdcc-42ea-ab2f-16b65dfb1ed6">Re: Replacing MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]The person who was supposed to be my MOH decided to drop out at least that's what I'm going to assume because she's pretty much ended our friendship. Another girl asked me "well who's going to be your MOH? Whoever can make it?". We're having a DW so I'm assuming that's where the second comment came from. I guess I can't get married without a MOH because clearly the BP is vital to a wedding and a marriage. ...I learned my lesson about asking people early, that'll teach me to get excited and not think things through.
    Posted by avsfan33[/QUOTE]
    Aww, I'm sorry :( and yea, totes imposs. to get married without a MOH. I mean, who will be your personal maid then?!
  • You don't NEED a MOH, but if you have someone in mind then go ahead and ask them. I'm pretty sure your friend won't be offended, but you know her best. I wouldn't care if I was second best in this situation. Isn't every bridesmaid second or third or fourth etc. best then?
  • The problem, OP, with "promoting" a bridesmaid is that your are making very public tiers of your friends.

    You have bridesmaids B, C, and D and a MOH (A).

    A drops out so now you have to choose between B, C, and D to be MOH.  You are basically publicing stating, "Well, A is my very best friend.  Now, C is my next very best friend and B and D are just my okay friends."

    It's *ridiculous*.  Go with no MOH.  Anyone can throw a bachelorette party, anyone can throw a shower, anyone can hold your bouquet and anyone can sign the marriage certificate.  It's not all these girls are desperate for the title of MOH to put on their resume or something. 
  • Well it looks like I can't PM you - and I'm sure I'm going against what the other girls' have said. But I say to do what you want. Now remember, your MOH is not your personal slave or anything.
    But do whatever makes you happy, and remember, people are gonna talk crap no matter what you decide.
    Anniversary
  • I agree with pp's. Don't replace her or she will even feel worse should she come around in the near future. That is why it is not recommended to chose your WP that far in advance bc friendships do and can change.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_replacing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:208d4e02-1f95-468f-a062-4d0f7d067e3fPost:0033c684-5837-4bb2-894e-0919febe9a54">Re: Replacing MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well it looks like I can't PM you - and I'm sure I'm going against what the other girls' have said. But I say to do what you want. Now remember, your MOH is not your personal slave or anything. But do whatever makes you happy, and remember, people are gonna talk crap no matter what you decide.
    Posted by pizzanfries4me[/QUOTE]

    Why would people talk crap if she doesn't have a MOH?

    Seriously, don't have a MOH. Because if you really want to stay friends with your former MOH, for her to find out that she replaceable would be a slap in the face and probably would cause more unneeded drama.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_replacing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:208d4e02-1f95-468f-a062-4d0f7d067e3fPost:345ed348-9829-4aae-b216-4579b1636792">Re: Replacing MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]The problem, OP, with "promoting" a bridesmaid is that your are making very public tiers of your friends. You have bridesmaids B, C, and D and a MOH (A). A drops out so now you have to choose between B, C, and D to be MOH.  You are basically publicing stating, "Well, A is my very best friend.  Now, C is my next very best friend and B and D are just my okay friends." It's *ridiculous*. 
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  Ranking your friends like this is going to hurt feelings somewhere.  If the new BM that you'd like to "promote" is a newer friend, you can be pretty sure that your other friends would be a little hurt to not get picked to fill in.</div><div>
    </div><div>Just call them all BMs.  </div>
  • Just coming back to this.  I see the others have already explained why there is the potential for hurt feelings from multiple parties, so I'll just ditto all of them.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_replacing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:208d4e02-1f95-468f-a062-4d0f7d067e3fPost:4a413496-2c32-4c97-9575-e0be83447e04">Re: Replacing MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Replacing MOH : Aww, I'm sorry :( and yea, totes imposs. to get married without a MOH. I mean, who will be your personal maid then?!
    Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

    I know :( I was looking forward to bossing someone around but I guess the engagements off since they're oh so important!

    BTW OP this is not a crack at you, I'm making fun of my own friend thinking it's the end of the world that I don't have a MOH.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_replacing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:208d4e02-1f95-468f-a062-4d0f7d067e3fPost:345ed348-9829-4aae-b216-4579b1636792">Re: Replacing MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]The problem, OP, with "promoting" a bridesmaid is that your are making very public tiers of your friends. You have bridesmaids B, C, and D and a MOH (A). A drops out so now you have to choose between B, C, and D to be MOH.  You are basically publicing stating, "Well, A is my very best friend.  Now, C is my next very best friend and B and D are just my okay friends." It's *ridiculous*.  Go with no MOH.  Anyone can throw a bachelorette party, anyone can throw a shower, anyone can hold your bouquet and anyone can sign the marriage certificate.  It's not all these girls are desperate for the title of MOH to put on their resume or something. 
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Agreed.</div><div>
    </div><div>I had no MOH. I had 2 girls and 1 guy stand on my side and I didn't want to choose between them. I made them all equal WP members. </div>
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  • I'm not having a MOH.  I have 4 BMs (3 of which are my sorority sisters) and they are all acting together as a MOH (in a sense) by helping me in the things they are best at.  For example, one is super organized so she is planning the bachelorette party, etc; one is super crafty so she's helping me with DIY stuff, etc.  
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_replacing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:208d4e02-1f95-468f-a062-4d0f7d067e3fPost:082a50e3-dd1d-48b2-b45c-f3fff80706a2">Re: Replacing MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Replacing MOH : Why would people talk crap if she doesn't have a MOH? Seriously, don't have a MOH. Because if you really want to stay friends with your former MOH, for her to find out that she replaceable would be a slap in the face and probably would cause more unneeded drama.
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

    <strong>Sorry that not everyone understood what I meant - but I think people are going to talk crap about anything and everything. There will always be someone who doesn't agree with you (it doesn't just hafta pertain to having a MOH)</strong>
    Anniversary
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2010

    Sorry, I thought you were generalizing with just the MOH since your response didn't mention anything of just regular wedding planning so was a bit confusing it which subject matter you meant. 
  • Not a problem AutumnFair - I found when I was planning that I had alot of comments (a few of them negative) about our plans or wishes.
    My fault tho, I should have explained a bit better.
    Anniversary
  • I'm pretty sure you're going to get a new MOH anyway, so just make sure that you do it in a way that is the least offensive to your bridesmaids.
  • I realize this in no way answers the OP's question, but is anyone else curious why MOH would even accept to be the MOH if she hated OP's fiance so much?
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    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_replacing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:208d4e02-1f95-468f-a062-4d0f7d067e3fPost:4719da26-2c55-487e-ad59-12a259ab5d25">Re: Replacing MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I realize this in no way answers the OP's question, but is anyone else curious why MOH would even accept to be the MOH if she hated OP's fiance so much?
    Posted by shortee426[/QUOTE]
    There's probably some wicked story behind the scenes, like the fiance is best friends to the MOH's now ex, or the MOH and the FI used to date back in the day, or something like that.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_replacing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:208d4e02-1f95-468f-a062-4d0f7d067e3fPost:45267ee4-cdc5-4066-9d0a-e94fb6a1522b">Re: Replacing MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Replacing MOH : There's probably some wicked story behind the scenes, like the fiance is best friends to the MOH's now ex, or the MOH and the FI used to date back in the day, or something like that.
    Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think it was just all part of MOH's plan to sabotage the wedding, personally.</div>
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    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_replacing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:208d4e02-1f95-468f-a062-4d0f7d067e3fPost:a4fad807-cbb5-43c9-b24c-8b74a8cbc069">Re: Replacing MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Replacing MOH : I think it was just all part of MOH's plan to sabotage the wedding, personally.
    Posted by shortee426[/QUOTE]

    Oooh it could be. Especially due to the new law about MOH's and Bridsmaid numbers.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_replacing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:208d4e02-1f95-468f-a062-4d0f7d067e3fPost:a190c86b-24cc-4145-a925-4a8418c3108d">Re: Replacing MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Replacing MOH : Oooh it could be. Especially due to the new law about MOH's and Bridsmaid numbers.
    Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]

    <div>You mean the one where if the sides aren't even the marriage is invalid?  Yeah, that law is brutal.  I had to dump a couple BMs cause of that.  It's ok, they all still love me and they are still acting as my personal servants so it's all good.</div>
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    Anniversary
  • I think the bigger question here is why your MOH hates your FI.  If your MOH is a good friend, she's probably right.  I actually lost a best friend over a guy and she was so right.  He was a total douche bag.  I'm really sad about that.  So, you may want to reexamine that a bit closer.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_replacing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:208d4e02-1f95-468f-a062-4d0f7d067e3fPost:08dafe60-8577-4fd9-8e18-330efaeb7cae">Re: Replacing MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think the bigger question here is why your MOH hates your FI.  If your MOH is a good friend, she's probably right.  I actually lost a best friend over a guy and she was so right.  He was a total douche bag.  I'm really sad about that.  So, you may want to reexamine that a bit closer.
    Posted by bmoruzzi@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]

    Not always true. 
    My mother's friend declined to be her MOH because she didn't approve of the marriage.  My parents fought a lot and dated on and off most of HS and college.  Naturally, my mom's friends were iffy about her decision.  They are still best friends, though.

    My parents have been married for the past 32 years and are the only couple from their childhood that are not divorced. 
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