Wedding Etiquette Forum

What am I supposed to do?

My parents have be seperated for about a year and a half now after 30 years of marriage. There is no divorce date set at this time. My father swears he didn't cheat on my mom, but there's evidence to support quite the opposite. While this was the final straw, there were a number of other issues in the marriage, and my brother and I believe they would have seperated anyway. We recently attended my paternal grandmother's funeral where he brought the "other woman" and it was a lot of stress for the entire family (which of course my dad ignored). My mother was extremely hurt that she was there at a family event and refuses to accept that my dad will continue to bring this woman to family functions. My father either doesn't care or is to ignorant to the fact that it makes everyone, including his siblings, uncomfortable. 
Also, my father and I have had issues for the past 14 years and have not always gotten along. At this point I am planning on inviting him, but walking myself down the isle. I do not believe that he will be contributing financial.  

My issue is this -

Dad shouldn't bring girlfriend b/c she was involved in the marriage falling apart BUT they have been together for over a year now, so she should be invited based on the criteria we are using for other people's date. I am not so concerned about the wedding date, that's a year and a half from now - but we are trying to hash our who's paying, who's invited to the engagement party, blah blah blah... and I really don't want this woman there. I have literally spoken to her once and it was a 5 word conversation.
I know that by inviting my father that he will bring her, which will set my mother off. I really wish that everyone would just grow up and deal with it for a day BUT that's not likely. And telling him she's not invited will mean he will not be present for anything, including the wedding.

Also, I feel bad for FI's family b/c they are in the middle of this!

What the heck is a girl to do???

Re: What am I supposed to do?

  • I agree with Kristen on this one (ew). They are still MARRIED. You don't get to bring your hoar to your kids wedding. If you want to bring her, divorce your WIFE first. But, that's my opinion based on the right now. If they are in the final stages of the divorce in a year and a half, then that's a different situation.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • edited April 2010
    I personally would talk to your Dad and see what happens from there, especially if there are wedding functions that will be happening in the near future. For the wedding, I would wait and see then what the situation is, and what the legal status of your parent's marriage is as well.

    If it were me, I would have a hard time inviting my father with a plus one, especially if by the time the wedding comes around, he is still married to my mother. I would simply ask that he not bring the other woman, and let him choose whether he comes by himself, or doesn't come at all.

    OP- It also would depend a lot how your mother is dealing with things. If she is going to be weeping in the bathroom and completely undone if the other woman is there, then I would definitely tell/ask Dad to come by himself. If she is over it enough by the wedding, then I would reconsider.

    I am of the thought that he shouldn't be bringing another woman to functions where his wife ( legally) will be in attendance. It just makes things awkward on everyone, especially his children and spouse to be in that position. It would be one thing if papers were filed and the proceedings were on their way, but since he hasn't moved forward to an actual divorce, then he should not attend family functions with his significant other.

    Good luck, this seems like a really tough position to be in.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-supposed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:21c40d5f-e59f-4c26-889f-4ac6d9af4464Post:e2d7f425-578c-424b-905b-4b8582efe71d">Re: What am I supposed to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE] I am of the thought that he shouldn't be bringing another woman to functions where his wife ( legally) will be in attendance. It just makes things awkward on everyone, especially his children and spouse to be in that position. It would be one thing if papers were filed and the proceedings were on their way, but since he hasn't moved forward to an actual divorce, then he should not attend family functions with his significant other. Good luck, this seems like a really tough position to be in.
    Posted by mags0607[/QUOTE]

    You said it much better than I did. That's exactly what I meant to say.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • In CA you have to be separated a year before you can get a divorce in some cases.  If they are separated but not yet divorced because they can't be, then I don't get this.  What if your mom wants to bring someone?  A friend, a date, whatever?

    Does she get denied the +1 because she is still married?
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  • I think a lot of things:

    1 - the OP's dad is the at-fault one.  The GF didn't sign a marriage liscense and proclaim vows to be faithful to anyone.  The HUSBAND did.

    2 - Dad should comprehend that his choices affect other people and could cause issues for his daughter at his wedding.  He should ask her what she wants and be agreeable.  It's unlikely that he will do that, though, it sounds like.

    3 - Mom should be an adult regardless.  Her daughter's wedding is about her daughter.  Not herself.  Again, doesn't sound likely that Mom will grow up.

    4 - OP should try talking to her parents about the situation.  Get a feel for what they each really think, and go from there.

    5 - OP should then give her guest list to whomever is hosting the engagement party, and stop worrying about this crap until it's time to send out invites.

    My view is that if we're going to treat long term SO's as serious relationships in the same way as married couples for the purpose of wedding invitations, then we're really honoring the spirit of a relationship, rather than the letter of the law.  And, so, when the time comes, dad should be invited with the GF, unless he's agreed not to bring her due to the family drama. 
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  • My best friend had a similar situation with her dad. He'd cheated on her mom for something like 15 years before finally growing a pair and asking for a divorce, which was messy and unpleasant for everyone.

    He then moved in with the hoar and they had lived together for two or three years before my friend got engaged. She never really had a very close relationship with her dad, he was a terrible father and a worse husband. But as an adult, it was important to her to cultivate a relationship with her father, which meant accepting his faults as a father and a husband, and moving on from there.

    Which she did, quite well. However. She had no interest and no compulsion to cultivate a relationship with the woman who was a willing participant in the destruction of her parents' marriage. She explained it to her dad just as pps have mentioned, "Dad, I love you and I want you to be part of my wedding, but I cannot have Hoar there, I have no respect for her, she has no respect for marriage and I cannot include her in my wedding day."

    I don't think her dad was thrilled by that but the woman was not invited to the wedding.

    All that was 11 years ago, and at this point enough time has passed that my friend has let it go and is friendly with her dad's now-wife. But at the time of her wedding, everything was much fresher and it would have caused more strife that it was worth to invite the woman.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-supposed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:21c40d5f-e59f-4c26-889f-4ac6d9af4464Post:0662c804-60e5-4fa8-94cb-608ff6557235">Re: What am I supposed to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What am I supposed to do? : That's cool.  I hope someday my family can all get along like that. 
    Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

    I hope the same for my family.

    (There's no definitive proof anyone cheated in my parents' marriage, but my mother got married 10 months after she and my father separated, which was about 4 months after their divorce was final. Neither are looking forward to seeing the ex at my wedding, especially the ex with the new SO, you know?)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-supposed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:21c40d5f-e59f-4c26-889f-4ac6d9af4464Post:47734edb-e201-43a2-b38c-ad8be43d8786">Re: What am I supposed to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What am I supposed to do? : I would agree with you if the situation were that he is separated, waiting for the divorce to be final, and started dating someone after separating.  But the OP said that no divorce papers have been served from either side.  Crap or get off the pot, you know? 
    Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  </div><div>
    </div><div>And I think it makes a huge difference that dad dating the hoar is what ended the marriage.  </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-supposed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:21c40d5f-e59f-4c26-889f-4ac6d9af4464Post:56795494-b2fe-4a09-8d5b-cb55d8852d23">Re: What am I supposed to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What am I supposed to do? : This.   And I think it makes a huge difference that dad dating the hoar is what ended the marriage.  
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    Eh, I get a little uneasy when people say that they *know* that that's what ended the marriage.  No one really knows what is going on in a marriage except the two people in it - who knows what problems they had before the affair, who did what to whom during the 30 year marriage, what was going on in the peoples' heads, etc. etc.  It's easy to side with the person who was wronged, but that's not necessarily the whole of the story.

    It happens, I suppose, that one party is completely wrong and one party is completely innocent & good, but most marriages contain many shades of grey and often, by the time an affair happens, the marriage has been dead for quite some time.  Cheating is vile, of course, and I will never defend cheating.  However, other rotten things happen in a marriage, too, and I don't know that it's fair to decide that any particular affair, in and of itself, is what ended the marriage. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-supposed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:21c40d5f-e59f-4c26-889f-4ac6d9af4464Post:581f6eba-8941-42e0-8f39-4c89c57ca5f7">Re: What am I supposed to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What am I supposed to do? : Eh, I get a little uneasy when people say that they *know* that that's what ended the marriage.  No one really knows what is going on in a marriage except the two people in it - who knows what problems they had before the affair, who did what to whom during the 30 year marriage, what was going on in the peoples' heads, etc. etc.  It's easy to side with the person who was wronged, but that's not necessarily the whole of the story. It happens, I suppose, that one party is completely wrong and one party is completely innocent & good, but most marriages contain many shades of grey and often, by the time an affair happens, the marriage has been dead for quite some time.  Cheating is vile, of course, and I will never defend cheating.  However, other rotten things happen in a marriage, too, and I don't know that it's fair to decide that any particular affair, in and of itself, is what ended the marriage. 
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I get what you are saying, but based on the OP, dad was cheating on mom with this girlfriend.  Of course, there's obviously a ton of things that both mom and dad have done to each other leading up to the end of the marriage, but the affair is more likely than not the final thing.  It's just such a visible sign to all.</div><div>
    </div><div>I'd probably also feel differently if this were a friend, not the FOB.  But it's such a big event to both mom's and dad's family, and dad showing up with the girlfriend is going to be really hurtful to mom and her family, and it's so hurtful to the OP.  

    </div>
  • I was in a similar situation when planning my wedding.  My parents had been separated for about a year and a half at that time.  My father left my mother for another woman, and moved out of the family home to move in with the other woman. 

    My parents both contributed financially to the wedding.  It would have been extremely awkward and painful for everyone involved if he had brought the homewrecker to the wedding.  Thankfully, my father recognized this and agreed that she should not be there.

    My opinion is that if a woman has been involved in the destruction of a man's marriage, she has no right to expect an invitation to his child's wedding.
  • late here

    Your father is married and doesn't get a date.

    If he is married by the time of your wedding, that's a different story.
  • cukimerrydollcukimerrydoll member
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-supposed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:21c40d5f-e59f-4c26-889f-4ac6d9af4464Post:48739ea7-9743-41ef-877e-62b2e930625c">Re: What am I supposed to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It was a lonnnnnng and winding road and things were pretty gross for about 2 years. My older brother, I think, still has a hard time with it, but he goes with the flow for Liam and to make things easier for me and Ian. But man...it certainly does change the dynamic of things. I still get a little mad when I think about it.
    Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]
    My parents are in the "tense" stage - right before it gets gross.  They aren't technically divorced or separated... but they both feel more like roommates than a couple.

    Dad and I were talking about it - he wants to get the divorce pushed through as soon as possible, but he doesn't want to add that stress to planning a wedding, getting my brother ready for college/out of high school, etc.

    But they do have gross moments.  Since they don't hate eachother (yet, maybe for my mom), it's good to hear about the other side of it.
    Thanks, Fische!


    ...And I'm inviting my dad's co-worker/roommate (he travels for work and has a roommate/apartment in NYC) because she's probably one of the most interesting people I have ever met... and my mom threw a tantrum until her entire department was invited.
    Mom thinks my dad cheated with her.  He didn't, I know both of them better than that.  But I'm sure it'll be awkward.
  • maybe the fact that you don't want him to walk you down the aisle (i'm not letting my dad either, but my oldest brother will instead) will teach him a lesson. And if he has a "doesn't-care"-attitude, i wouldn't even invite him. that's just my opinion... it's YOUR day and if he's not truly happy for you and really caring about you there's no reason to invite him.. 
    I moved half way around the world for this man - and I'm so happy I did!
  • Our engagement party will be in the next two months. I  talked to my mom and FI first and we are all at a loss. MOB wants to host the party but will not invite my FOB or his GF. We have had a couple other people offer, and I believe we are going to take them up on it. We only want one party and having MOB throw it is obviously not a good idea. I just wanted to know what people had done in similar situations and how it turned out. Consider it research.

    In response to the person who asked why my father was even invited - he is a homewrecker, he is a drunk, and I haven't spoken spoken much to him in the last year. We are trying to get past our issues (separate from my mother) and not including him in all of this would be me "giving up". I'm to the point were FI and I have decided we will try to include him but with extremely low expectations. If he chooses to not be a part of this wonderful time in our lives then it is his choice, and I can go on knowing I tried. He has never followed through on any promise and after a long talk Fi and I decided to give him one last chance and then we are done. We don't want our future children growing up w/ a grandfather like that. It's just not healthy for anyone.

    I know my wedding is 1 1/2 off, which is why in my original post I said I'm not worried about the wedding yet. No need to be. But the immediate worry is the engagement party. I have to take it one step at a time with him.




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