To invite or not...

cahanly

Hey everyone,

I'm struggling with whether to invite my father to my wedding or not and while I know it is ultimately only a decision I can make for myself, I want to get some opinions and thoughts on the topic...so here's some background:

My dad was "in" my life until I was about 19 years old (I'm 26 now). He was primarily financially in my life, as he worked long hours and traveled a lot for work. When I was in middle school, he had his first affair with another man. When I was 13, I realized he was having an affair, and on top of that, with another man. As a middle schooler, this was hard on me, but what made it even harder was that I had to be the one to tell my mom. After many years of counseling, my dad said that he was "fixed" and that he had worked out his problems and that he was straight, and would be faithful to my mom. Fast forward to when I am 20 years old and about to head away for study abroad: my dad has accepted a job 2000 miles away, while my mom is a great person, my father, as the primary breadwinner, picks her up and moves her. 3 months later, my father leaves her (alone in a new place 2000 miles away) for someone else. Obviously this was hard on my mom, but it's also been very difficult on me. I've dealt with it immaturally at first, but more realistically, with a fact of the matter type attitude as time has gone on.

In trying to repair my relationship with my dad, my (now) fiance and I went to visit my dad last year. I know my FH was going to ask my father's permission, and I was excited. My FH waited until I went to bed, asked my dad and they had a good talk. When I woke up in the morning, my father's live in boyfriend started calling my FH names and being very disrespectful. I told him that it was my choice, and as long as my (biological) father approved, it was none of his business. My fathers BF dealt with this my punching me in the face. My FH and I left the house immediately and stayed in a hotel for the remainder of our visit, and I spent the next 2-3 weeks in tears.

Fast forward to now: since then, my dad has told me he will come visit me, that I am priority #1, etc. etc. He has not come to visit me, has only called 3 times in the last year and has lost his job, leaving my mom to offer to pay for the entire wedding (though I am being very respectful of cost). He has not shown me that I am a priority in his life, and I consitantly hear from his neighbors about parties he has, his drinking, etc. Two weeks ago, I sent him an email (he won't respond to anything else) stating that I needed to prepare for the wedding and if he will be present or not. I've told him I want him there and that it would mean a lot to me, but that his BF (who punched me in the face) is not welcome. I also stated that I want him in my life, but as a reliable part of my family- I don't want a fake one, I am only interested in a real father-daughter relationship and that I know it will take work. He has not responded.

What do you guys think I should do??? I won't be mailing invites for a few months still, but this is something so big and emotional for me, I need to prepare for his (possible) rejection long before I mail out these invites. Should I push for a reponse or let it go? If I do not hear from him by the time I send invites (in 5 months), do you think I send him one? Am I being unfair in asking that he not bring his BF??? I need HELP!

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

swtpinkldy

First off, I am so sorry for this horrible situation. You are definitely not wrong for not inviting his BF. as far as inviting him, would you be sad if he wasn't there? It's really up to you , I just wouldn't want you to regret your decision. That's tough. Sorry I'm not much help. Best of luck

kmmssg

To answer your question - his BF assaulted you.  You do not have to invite him.  Period.

You have reached out to your dad.  He has not responded.  If you feel confident he received your email, let this go.  The ball is in his court.  YOU went to visit him, YOU took the initiative to repair the relationship.  HE is doing nothing on his end.  It doesn't appear he is going to step up to the plate here and be the father you are hoping for.  Don't keep going to a dry well looking for water - it isn't there.

I have to ask - do you mean to say your Dad's BF assaulted you and he did nothing?  I can't imagine staying with anyone who punched my child in the face.

Gustafson28

I was going to contribute but kmmssg hit the nail on the head. You don't have to invite anyone who assaulted you. I would be wondering why your Dad stayed with a man who hit you as well...

I hope things work out for you. I know it can be difficult with astranged parents. I found it easier just to cut mine out.. Best of luck

lyndausvi

Well you don't have to invite the BF, what a douche.


I have to say I'm more concerned that your father is depressed and  in an abusive relationship. For years he lived as a straight man when he is really gay.  (You can't 'fix' being gay).  Then when he finally comes out and his first real BF is a douche who hits woman (and for all we know might physically and mentally abusive to your dad).   Add in being distant to you, drinking, losing a job.   It sounds like a train wreck. 


I understand you want a real father-daughter relationship, but if your dad is really depressed that will not happen until he gets some help.

I more than likely would invite him but keep low expectations.  I would also try and be somewhat supportive of him like you would be if your mom was in an abusive relationship.    Reach out to him in a helpful way.   Support that he is gay, but he does not have a relationship with a douche-bag.  

good luck.   I feel bad for both of you.  You losing a dad.  And you dad having to live a lie for so long that when he does comes out his life seems to be falling apart.

JaxInBlue

I'm sorry you are going through this.  My father also came out late in life, after having been married to my mom for nearly 20 years.  In his excitement to live the life he had been hiding and denying himself, my dad really moved away (emotionally) from his kids for a while.  We went through a period where it was kind of like having a newly single friend; it took time for my dad to feel comfortable in his new/real identity and for us to set respectful, comfortable boundaries in his new life (such as his realization we didn't necessarily want details on his dating life).  Our relationship now, after about a decade, is again approaching a familial dynamic.

I think you need to do what is going to be the most emotionally healthy for you.  At this point, it sounds like that means stepping back, mourning the relationship you've lost and deciding for yourself if a distant relationship with your dad is better than no relationship at all.  It's not an easy decision, particularly if your dad is in an abusive relationship and is drinking.  Al-anon and PFLAG might be valuable resources for you - whether you attend sessions or read some of their material.  Talking with others might help you decide whether or not inviting him (but certainly not the abusive BF), even though he may not respond or attend, is a good idea for you.  Good luck to you and your family.

Lisa50

The clock cannot be turned backward, but I keep wondering if you called the police when your father's BF hit you.  And if not, why not.  If your dad did nothing, I wonder if PP may have correctly pinpointed that your father may be in an abusive relationship. That's the only reason I can see he would stand by and do nothing while a guest (let alone, his daughter) is physically assaulted in his home.  The BF certainly was successful in laying down the law, pushing you away, intimidating you, your fiance and your father with one punch.  Ugh!  I'm very sorry you had to go through that.

You may make more progress by calling your father.  Let him know how you're feeling.  I don't think you are obligated to invite his BF.  Good luck!

j-harvey

 

kmmssg

You know, I have to back the truck up and ditto Lynda here.  Do you think your dad might be in an abusive relationship?  My mom was abused, she was depressed, and she was becoming an alcoholic right before she died when I was 10.  That could put a whole different spin on things here.

Jen4948

Whether your father's boyfriend is abusing him or not, he definitely abused you.  I certainly wouldn't invite him and I think this constitutes an exception to the social unit rule that all couples have to be invited together.  No one who abuses should be present.

Whether you should invite your father, I'm not sure.  If he is being abused, then it might be all right-but I would only do so if he acknowledges that he is being abused, gets professional help, and follows through on whatever his therapist or counselor suggests.  If he isn't being abused, it sounds like he doesn't care enough about you to either protect you from violence or to earn himself an invitation to your wedding.  That's just me, though-I certainly wish you the best, whatever decision you come to.