Interesting (I think!) ethical question re: wedding gifts

abbalish

Some friends of ours are getting married in a couple of months.  They traveled to come to our wedding, which I was truly grateful for.  They did not give us a gift, not a card, nada.  I know gifts are not required, blah blah blah, but really, I think it's quite rude to not give anything at all.

So, in your opinion, would you let that impact what you give them as a wedding gift?  I am torn.  I know weddings are not about an eye for an eye, but still, I've been thinking about it.  We'll give them something, of course, but would you reduce what you'd give otherwise?  This is kind of what I'm leaning toward.  I'm curious what other people think.

mica178

Is it really tit for tat?  Gosh, I wonder what my friends will do since when a lot of them got married, I was still in school/training, and now we're all grown up.  I always gave what I could afford to give, which was less 10 years ago and is pretty generous now.  Well, I guess that's the purpose of having multiple levels on the registry.  I hope the young marrieds on my list don't feel compelled to buy a Le Creuset pot for me.

kikibaby

Ok, I'm gonna 'fess up to something here.  I feel bad about it, but maybe you can tell me how to make it up...

FSIL got married last May, in Mexico.  Between FI and I, we spent about $3000 to attend, plus had to take 5 days off of work.  (Transportation from the airport to the out-of-the-way location alone was over $100 each).  We didn't get her a gift, because at the time I was honestly kinda miffed at having to spend so much to go.  I didn't feel like we could just NOT go- it's his sister. 

Should I get her a gift now, almost a year later?  Or would that be weird?  Maybe a really nice 1st anniversary gift?

andyandhillary

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_interesting-think-ethical-question-re-wedding-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23266919-9252-4784-bac6-cbf74d510355Post:d5338b18-ce92-4136-87b5-da9aad174a57">Re: Interesting (I think!) ethical question re: wedding gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it really tit for tat?  Gosh, I wonder what my friends will do since when a lot of them got married, I was still in school/training, and now we're all grown up.  I always gave what I could afford to give, which was less 10 years ago and is pretty generous now.  Well, I guess that's the purpose of having multiple levels on the registry.  I hope the young marrieds on my list don't feel compelled to buy a Le Creuset pot for me.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't worry about it.  I think it's more of a quesiton of were you generous or just being a jerk?  Everyone knows that you're broke in college (and right after) so I personally would never hold that against someone.  Now if someone who was doing pretty well for themselves gave me nothing or only something very small I would be miffed because that's jerky. 

ashmy211

Fi and I paid a lot of money to travel to one of his good friend's weddings last July 4th and gave them a good amount of cash as a gift. They aren't coming to our wedding, and sent a little picture frame with their RSVP card that probably was under $20 - plus it looked like it had already been opened (so basically I am betting someone gave it to them for their wedding and they still had it laying around and regifted it to us). I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little upset after we spent so much money to travel to them AND on their gift.

PsyDet 2155

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_interesting-think-ethical-question-re-wedding-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:23266919-9252-4784-bac6-cbf74d510355Post:4e07db6d-ea63-482c-8a51-ba2a0df13331">Interesting (I think!) ethical question re: wedding gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]Some friends of ours are getting married in a couple of months.  They traveled to come to our wedding, which I was truly grateful for.  They did not give us a gift, not a card, nada.  I know gifts are not required, blah blah blah, but really, I think it's quite rude to not give anything at all. So, in your opinion, would you let that impact what you give them as a wedding gift?  I am torn.  I know weddings are not about an eye for an eye, but still, I've been thinking about it.  We'll give them something, of course, but would you reduce what you'd give otherwise?  This is kind of what I'm leaning toward.  I'm curious what other people think.
Posted by abbalish[/QUOTE]

I would probably just write them a nice card expressing your congratulations on their marriage.

Blueyed228

I always give our standard.  For very close friends and family we give more if we can.

It was hard going to a few relatives weddings recently since they had come to my sisters wedding and completely stiffed her.(and 1 couple decided my sisters reception was the best time to announce their engagement)  As much as I wanted to return the favor (I know it was my sisters wedding and not mine, but it still pissed me off, lol), I just decided to be the bigger person and give what I could, on top of the generous shower gift myself, my sister, and mom got for them.  I have yet to receive a thank you from both couples..........

I don't expect anything from them when my shower/wedding rolls around.  But I am not inviting people just for gifts.  Im sure I will be a little miffed if they stiff me too......lol.  If they do stiff me, I will know that I had done the right thing by giving them something.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_interesting-think-ethical-question-re-wedding-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23266919-9252-4784-bac6-cbf74d510355Post:c6b08aed-edc5-4f8f-8248-8cdb53467b64">Re: Interesting (I think!) ethical question re: wedding gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Interesting (I think!) ethical question re: wedding gifts : Oh, I hear you on the card thing. My bm actually did this to me (which I understand her not giving a gift) but a CARD would kill you? I also don't believe it is about the $3.99 for the card either. I believe it is about wishing the couple well and I am shocked when people don't feel the need to even do that. That would burn me too to see her all about her gift registry.
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

I judge.  I shouldn't but I know that I do.

lauralaur

I usually just assume that the person is clueless because I know that weddings didn't click in my head for a long time and I stiffed a couple of people before I really had it figured out.

H's sister just got us a card, but it was so sweet it was the equivalent of buying us an expensive knife set. A cousin of mine gave us $20, and that meant a lot because they travelled from CA to come and that really is a huge financial burden for them. And then we got one card that was signed by all 7 people in the family and it was like "yup, my aunt put a lot of thought into this, and then 6 other people said "you wrote my name on there, right?"" Although funny enough, my cousin from that family and his new wife ended up sending us a gift a few months after the wedding with a really, really nice card, and again, I just thought it was so sweet. It was just so nice that they thought of us.

luckyme502

I have been to a wedding where I did not give a wedding gift.  I drove all day to get there, and then drove all night to come home because I could not afford a hotel room.  At the time, I was afraid I wouldn't even have enough money for gas.  I felt really bad, but I couldn't afford one.  The couple is not invited to my wedding, because it's so small.

angela72023

We are going to a wedding about 2 months before ours (FI cousin). I am helping her with the planning, decorating, did her invitations, throwing her wedding shower, etc...They are very young, not a lot of money (I've even been chipping in to help pay for some things for the wedding and reception). We are getting them a very nice gift for the shower and an equally nice one for the wedding. This is one of those cases where we are in a significantly better financial situation than they are, so I don't expect a gift from them at our wedding at all, or a small one at the most. HOWEVER, a few years ago, my brother got married and they were also kind of strapped for money and so I paid for her dress, cake topper, and a couple of other small things...as a wedding gift I thought...then she goes around behind my back talking about how I didn't get her anything. So now that I am getting married...I do expect a really nice gift.

Poli---OUCH! That's a touchy situation, you don't want them coming to your wedding feeling resentful that you guys didn't get them a gift for theirs...but 2 years is a long time to wait to give a gift...if they are traveling to yours I would definitely have a huge lavish gift basket waiting at their hotel for them, including some gift cards for really nice area restaurants or a spa treatment or something, you know?

All in all, I know I will be upset when my FI's family go cheap with the gifts (and I know it's going to be that way), but they're a small price to pay to having my guy forever...living well is the best revenge!

beamer84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_interesting-think-ethical-question-re-wedding-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23266919-9252-4784-bac6-cbf74d510355Post:6b5a20ec-f601-45fe-9438-3f9745f9880b">Re: Interesting (I think!) ethical question re: wedding gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]See, I look at gifts as a product of my financial situation and how I feel about the couple. While I am the first one to admit that it is ok to be confused or hurt when good friends don't give a even card, I wouldn't judge my return gift to them in that manner. Who knows what they could be going through, you know?
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

I agree. I also think it is totally acceptable for your friends to not give you a gift when they spent money to travel to your wedding. I have a number of friends traveling for my wedding, and I wouldn't feel in the least slighted if they didn't give me a gift. It's much more important to me that they are there to support me at my wedding.

NillaWafer10

I have the mindset that two wrongs don't make a right.  Even if someone hadn't given us a gift or card, I would still send something.  I always try to think that maybe their card got lost in the mail... I won't lie and say that I'm not a little saddened, but in the end, my gift/card is a reflection of my manners.