Etiquette- Guests, Bridesmaid, plus ones??

CToward03

Since I am 3 months away from my wedding, and 2 weeks away from sending out invitations, I could use some advice!!My fiance and I are running into a few situations, for instance, he made out his guest list and I made mine, then together we chose who to cut in order to fit our budget. Suprisingly this didnt cause a fight, but we do have a few "awkward" situations.
1st- One of his childhood friends just recenlty got married. We were not invited, and have not met his new wife, however, Brian still wants an invite sent. I am completely fine with this, who knows maybe they had their own budget to fit. BUT, how do I adress an invite to someone I dont know? Is it okay to just say to Mr and Mrs Cope?? What if she didnt take his name? and on top of that, we cant get ahold of him to get their new address.
2nd- One of my bridesmaids in 2 years younger then the rest of us (keep in mind I just turned 21). She is dating a guy who is 22. They dated for 8 months before they broke up, and just recently got back together after months apart.  She knows I do NOT like him, and knows the reasons why. He puts her down, and makes her feel like he is the best she can get. I do not put up with it, and therefore he does not come to my house. She recently made a comment about him coming to the wedding as her guest... We dont have the budget for plus ones except those who are married. Not to mention he has made comments in front of me about bringing vodka to my reception so she can drink. I specifically cut family from my list that let under age kids drink. what do I do??

SB1512

Anyone in a relationship must be invited, regarless if they are married, engaged or just dating.  If this guy is her BF he needs to be invited.  as do all other SO's of guests on your list.

J&K10910

1.  When you DO get a hold of them to get their new address, ask if she took his last name.  If you can't get an address, you have nowhere to send the invite, so there's no problem.
2.  Bridal party should all get guests regardless of their relationship status.  And anyone IN a relationship, even if they're not married, should be invited with their significant other.  My boss has been with her boyfriend for 8 years.  Are you saying their relationship is less significant that my mom's friend's daughter's relationship to her husband, whom she has only known for one year total, just because my boss is not married but the other chick is?

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiqutee-guests-bridesmaid-plus-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:239e5f99-01c1-4814-8784-04477a67418ePost:42ded5cb-e9a3-4a57-9459-a4925782a438">Etiquette- Guests, Bridesmaid, plus ones??</a>:
[QUOTE]Since I am 3 months away from my wedding, and 2 weeks away from sending out invitations, I could use some advice!!My fiance and I are running into a few situations, for instance, he made out his guest list and I made mine, then together we chose who to cut in order to fit our budget. Suprisingly this didnt cause a fight, but we do have a few "awkward" situations. 1st- One of his childhood friends just recenlty got married. We were not invited, and have not met his new wife, however, Brian still wants an invite sent. I am completely fine with this, who knows maybe they had their own budget to fit. BUT, how do I adress an invite to someone I dont know? Is it okay to just say to Mr and Mrs Cope?? What if she didnt take his name? and on top of that, we cant get ahold of him to get their new address. 2nd- One of my bridesmaids in 2 years younger then the rest of us (keep in mind I just turned 21). She is dating a guy who is 22. They dated for 8 months before they broke up, and just recently got back together after months apart.  She knows I do NOT like him, and knows the reasons why. He puts her down, and makes her feel like he is the best she can get. I do not put up with it, and therefore he does not come to my house. She recently made a comment about him coming to the wedding as her guest... We dont have the budget for plus ones except those who are married. Not to mention he has made comments in front of me about bringing vodka to my reception so she can drink. I specifically cut family from my list that let under age kids drink. what do I do??
Posted by CToward03[/QUOTE]

For the 1st situation, if you are unsure what she goes by, can you ask her? Or have FI ask her? I would try texting/calling them for this question and their address. Even if they don't get back to you right away, they'll know you tried to contact them and that's the reason their invite is late.

For situation 2, couples must be invited together, even if you don't like their partner. She obviously does if she is still with him, so if she is invited, ,he should be invited too.
Also you mentioned you are only inviting married couples? EVERY couple needs to be invited together whether they are dating, engaged, or married. A plus one is NOT the same as an SO. Single guests do not HAVE to have a plus one, but everyone in a relationship should be invited with their SO..

polichik

Yep, PPs said it. I hope this wouldn't be necessary, but you might want to have a conversation with your underage friend about how you hope she wouldn't put you and the hosts of the wedding at risk by breaking the law. Whoever is responsible for the event could get in trouble for underage drinking.

Chelseaclayy

I would be very disappointed that I wasn't allowed to bring my boyfriend especially if I was a BM.

OliveOilsMom

As PP said, the BM's bf should be invited, even if you don't like him.  You can always alert your venue to him so that if he tries to give the BM booze, he will be escorted out.  I would also have a conversation with your BM about the underage drinking thing and the lengths you have already went, to not have it at your wedding ie, excluding family.

Simply Fated

1. You can't get ahold of him as in, you don't have his phone number or you can't get ahold of him as in he isn't calling you back?
If you can't get ahold of him to get their address, then I guess there is no invite to send out. Do you have any mutual friends you can ask?


2. "We dont have the budget for plus ones except those who are married."
Marriage doesn't automatically validate a relationship. Please extend an invitation to every couple. It's fine that you dont' like him and you don't want to invite him, but if you don't invite him, will it be worth the drama it will cause?
ETA: Make sure the venue knows to ask anyone to leave that brings their own alcohol. Most places don't allow that, anyway.

CToward03

1st) We have text, called, facebooked... We can not get a reply any way.. Should I just save an invite for them maybe? 
2nd)I'm not trying to be rude, and no I am not excluding people who have significant others, however he is not. I have friends who have been together for 4years, 8 years, and are not married, and their significant others are invited as well, my point is they are on and off and I truly can not stand him. The alcohol is my biggest issue. I have discussed it with her and they continue to joke about it. She knows that the alcohol will not be avaiable to her, and there is no security at my event due to how small we are trying to keep it. So who do I put on look out? The groomsmen?? the fathers?? I'd really rather not... My biggest thing is how do I tell her nicely that if she is thinking about sneaking alcohol into my reception, they are not welcome? Her attitude has completely changed she has got back with him as well.

runpipparun

Yep, I think that your only option, if you don't want him there, would have been to not invite her. But since she's your BM, that's no longer a choice. You must invite him, and speak with her about his intention to bring alcohol. If she's a friend, she will understand your concerns. Also speak with the venue about it.

FI and I had this discussion about one of his mom's friends, who is married to a man who has a tendency, as I understand it, to get belligerently angry in the presence of alcohol and will lecture anyone within earshot about how it's a scourge upon society and how those who partake are damning themselves unto Hell. The woman is evidently lovely; it's just the husband who makes a loud ruckus wherever he goes. So... we're just not inviting them, since we can't invite her without condemning our guests to one of his tirades.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiqutee-guests-bridesmaid-plus-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:239e5f99-01c1-4814-8784-04477a67418ePost:a64aa002-07af-4833-8737-165a42dc219e">Re: Etiquette- Guests, Bridesmaid, plus ones??</a>:
[QUOTE]1st) We have text, called, facebooked... We can not get a reply any way.. Should I just save an invite for them maybe?  2nd)I'm not trying to be rude, and no I am not excluding people who have significant others, however he is not. I have friends who have been together for 4years, 8 years, and are not married, and their significant others are invited as well, my point is they are on and off and I truly can not stand him. The alcohol is my biggest issue. I have discussed it with her and they continue to joke about it. She knows that the alcohol will not be avaiable to her, and there is no security at my event due to how small we are trying to keep it. <strong>So who do I put on look out? The groomsmen?? the fathers?? I'd really rather not...</strong> My biggest thing is how do I tell her nicely that if she is thinking about sneaking alcohol into my reception, they are not welcome? Her attitude has completely changed she has got back with him as well.
Posted by CToward03[/QUOTE]

<div>1) I believe you can hire outside security, even if it's small.</div><div>2) I see nothing wrong with asking your dad. Considering that, presumably if your dad is paying, his butt will be on the line if she gets in a wreck or gets busted for MIP or some other offense, I would think he'd have a stake in this and would want to know that someone was planning to bring in alcohol illegally.</div><div>3) I would not threaten to uninvite her unless you want to mortally wound the friendship. However, you can make her aware of what the consequences are to you and your family should she bring in alcohol or drink at such in such a public place. Let her know that you will have family members watching, and she and her boyfriend will be asked to leave if it's taking place.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA and for clarity: Whomever is "hosting" the reception (read: paid the bill on the venue, owns the home where you're having it, etc) needs to be made aware, because that will be the person held responsible for the underage drinking. They can take the proper steps, having people watch out, making sure she's sober, etc.</div>

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiqutee-guests-bridesmaid-plus-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:239e5f99-01c1-4814-8784-04477a67418ePost:42ded5cb-e9a3-4a57-9459-a4925782a438">Etiquette- Guests, Bridesmaid, plus ones??</a>:
[QUOTE]We dont have the budget for plus ones except those who are married.
Posted by CToward03[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE]and no I am not excluding people who have significant others, however he is not. I have friends who have been together for 4years, 8 years, and are not married, and their significant others are invited as well,
Posted by CToward03[/QUOTE]


Which is it?  Are you only inviting married couples as your OP states, or are you inviting all SOs?

I'm not trying to be snarky, just trying to clarify what you mean.  Regardless, if she considers him her BF, you really should invite him as well.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

If they are CURRENTLY DATING, regardless of their past, he IS a significant other. That's what significant other means. Her boyfriend. Not just a random date. And he has to be invited. It doesn't matter if you like him or not, or if you've met him or not. Trust me, I understand your frustrations. But that's the polite thing to do.

CToward03

 We are inviting couples that are not married, however I do not have the money to pay for everyone to bring a guest. Thats what I meant. If they were single when we made the guest list, that is how their invite is addressed. Does that make sense??We invited friends who are not married and are allowing them to bring their SO. I do not consider casual BF and significant other to be the same. especially in an on and off relationship.
I understand where you are coming from where it is the polite thing to do. However they were not together when I did my invites, and he is not counted in my guest list. My venue only allows 150 people, and with kids we are already pushing that envelope. Therefore him putting MY money and venue in jeopardy makes me feel that I have the right to not let him come to my wedding.
My parents have not paid for anything. and his parents paid for the catering. The rest was my fiance and I.
My guest list was made so that I would not have to worry about underage drinking. Including cutting cousins who are younger then  me whom I hung out with growing up, I cut aunts, and uncles who are alcoholics or give their children drinks, etc.
I understand that she is my BM but as a bridesmaid I have talked to her about my expectations, and why I did cut the list the way I did.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiqutee-guests-bridesmaid-plus-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:239e5f99-01c1-4814-8784-04477a67418ePost:94a15a56-666f-48d4-855a-554952f61051">Re: Etiquette- Guests, Bridesmaid, plus ones??</a>:
[QUOTE] We are inviting couples that are not married, however I do not have the money to pay for everyone to bring a guest. Thats what I meant. If they were single when we made the guest list, that is how their invite is addressed. Does that make sense??We invited friends who are not married and are allowing them to bring their SO. I do not consider casual BF and significant other to be the same. especially in an on and off relationship. I understand where you are coming from where it is the polite thing to do. However they were not together when I did my invites, and he is not counted in my guest list. My venue only allows 150 people, and with kids we are already pushing that envelope. Therefore him putting MY money and venue in jeopardy makes me feel that I have the right to not let him come to my wedding. My parents have not paid for anything. and his parents paid for the catering. The rest was my fiance and I. My guest list was made so that I would not have to worry about underage drinking. Including cutting cousins who are younger then  me whom I hung out with growing up, I cut aunts, and uncles who are alcoholics or give their children drinks, etc. I understand that she is my BM but as a bridesmaid I have talked to her about my expectations, and why I did cut the list the way I did.
Posted by CToward03[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, first, in your OP, you state that invites have not yet gone out. Second, she is a bridesmaid, so etiquette-wise, she gets to bring whomever she wants because you are supposed to allot her a guest. Third, if you have all these rights that you feel you have, then why did you ask for advice? If you were simply seeking validation in your rights, you came to the wrong place. People here are not about validation.</div><div>
</div><div>You told her your expectations. All you can do now is ask her to leave if she chooses to behave poorly. If you do not invite him, you are acting poorly and you are not even giving him a chance to rise above whatever past issues you have with him. If you tell them both they are not welcome, then you might as well get a shovel and start burying that friendship.</div>

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiqutee-guests-bridesmaid-plus-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:239e5f99-01c1-4814-8784-04477a67418ePost:94a15a56-666f-48d4-855a-554952f61051">Re: Etiquette- Guests, Bridesmaid, plus ones??</a>:
[QUOTE] We are inviting couples that are not married, however I do not have the money to pay for everyone to bring a guest. Thats what I meant. <strong>If they were single when we made the guest list, that is how their invite is addressed. </strong>Does that make sense??We invited friends who are not married and are allowing them to bring their SO. I do not consider casual BF and significant other to be the same. especially in an on and off relationship. I understand where you are coming from where it is the polite thing to do. However they were not together when I did my invites, and he is not counted in my guest list. My venue only allows 150 people, and with kids we are already pushing that envelope. Therefore him putting MY money and venue in jeopardy makes me feel that I have the right to not let him come to my wedding. My parents have not paid for anything. and his parents paid for the catering. The rest was my fiance and I. My guest list was made so that I would not have to worry about underage drinking. Including cutting cousins who are younger then  me whom I hung out with growing up, I cut aunts, and uncles who are alcoholics or give their children drinks, etc. I understand that she is my BM but as a bridesmaid I have talked to her about my expectations, and why I did cut the list the way I did.
Posted by CToward03[/QUOTE]

When did you make your guest list? FI and I made a preliminary guest list over a year ago and relationships have certainly changed in that time. In fact, several of our friends have gotten engaged and married in that time (and yes, there have been some break ups too).

If anyone gets into a relationship leading up to when invites are stamped and placed in a mail box, you have to invite those people, whether you consider them to be a significant other or not.

FI and I both told our friends we'd met the one we were going to marry on our first date. We talked about marriage and a life together within a month of our first date and were engaged less than 8 months from that date. No one but us got to decide how serious we were. You don't get to decided how serious your friends' relationships are.