Have you ever paid for a meal at a bridal shower?

Goldlie11

Pardon my ignorance, but I've never been to a bridal shower before.  My friend told me that she went to a bridal shower at a restaurant and had to pay for her own meal.  I've been to a couple of baby showers and never paid for food.  Has anyone ever heard of this before?  Is that the norm?   

GeauxTigers17

My goodness, no. This is horribly rude. You're supposed to buy her a gift and buy your lunch for the privilege? I'm afraid I'd decline if invited to something like this. If they surprised your friend, that's even worse.

Mrs.B6302007

It's not the norm and generally considered rude.

I've never been invited to one like this and would personally decline if I knew ahead of time that I was expected to pay for my own meal.

jessicabessica

Nope, a bridal shower is a hosted party. 

ahhhitsshannyn

No that is not normal and that is pretty rude. It is just supposed to be similar to a baby shower, gifts, games, food, drink, fun. Very weird that someone would have that.

hz80408

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ever-paid-meal-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:23dbbb03-e018-4e32-8ca1-7166707e2d68Post:b2974e85-6f4c-4b07-a165-f7f0a6c87594">Re: Have you ever paid for a meal at a bridal shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]Nope, a bridal shower is a hosted party. 
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

This.  The hostess should cover the cost of food...and if she can't afford it, she shouldn't have it at a restaurant.

DramaGeek

Definitely not the norm, and rather rude IMO.  The hostess(es) should be providing the food, and should plan a shower they can afford.  If they couldn't afford to host it at a restaurant, they should have found someplace else.

lyndausvi

Never.

tenofcups4me

Never. Not the norm. If the hostess (es) can't afford a restaurant shower, don't do it in a restaurant.

mica178

No.

Goldlie11

When she told me that, it sounded strange to me.  I'll have to ask her more details like how the host communicated that the meal wasn't hosted.  I also wonder if the bride knew that the guests had to pay for their own meals.  

MattsPenguin

No.  Although my small family lingerie shower was at a restaurant, and I'm pretty sure that my aunt's paid for their own food.  But I think that it was known going into it.  And it wasn't a "hosted event" like a traditional bridal shower.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Absolutely not. Call me horrible, but if I didn't know it wasn't hosted in advance and was presented with a bill/found out at the party, I'd try to find a way to slip out before I was asked to ante up.

MattsPenguin

Dine and dash, Mery!?!  HOW RUDE!  (just kidding)

Yeah, that is some seriously bad etiquette.

Summer2011Bride

No, the host/hostess(es) should foot the bill for any food or meals. I just attended one Sat. at a restaurant. Each guest had a choice of three entrees and we could pick any beverage (the place didn't serve alcohol) and we didn't cough up a dime!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ever-paid-meal-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23dbbb03-e018-4e32-8ca1-7166707e2d68Post:74262060-6c63-4825-ad94-846875f0b52a">Re: Have you ever paid for a meal at a bridal shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]Dine and dash, Mery!?!  HOW RUDE!  (just kidding) Yeah, that is some seriously bad etiquette.
Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

Then I'd feign surprise if they were rude enough to call me at a later date and demand I pay for my meal. "I'm sorry? I don't understand?" And then "forget" to send them a check, lol.

tpender13

Ditto PPs -- if someone is hosting, they should be paying for everyone's food.

I had a shower like this thrown for me, and I was kind of put off that everyone had to split the bill (approx $25 or $30 apiece). I guess in the hosts' defense, they may have let people know this in advance. I was still a little miffed, though.

ajroark

My FMIL is planning my shower and has recently told me she wanted to rent out a banquet room at a local restuarant for it. I'm assuming she would have everyone pay for their own since I doubt she has enough money to buy dinner for 20-40 people. What's the best way to tell her that this is incredibly rude and I do not want her decision reflecting poorly on me?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ever-paid-meal-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23dbbb03-e018-4e32-8ca1-7166707e2d68Post:86901a62-9003-4773-a802-838704e985e8">Re: Have you ever paid for a meal at a bridal shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Have you ever paid for a meal at a bridal shower? : Seriously?  Yes, it's rude to 'host' a party and not pay for it.  However, I think it's much more rude (and not classy at all) to skip out on a bill regardless of the reason.
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

If I didn't know about having to pay and it was sprung on me, then seriously. I might not have money on me. I mean in reality, it would depend on a lot of circumstances, but no, I wouldn't consider refusing to do something like that rude.

HockeyFan4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ever-paid-meal-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23dbbb03-e018-4e32-8ca1-7166707e2d68Post:71978043-637e-45bc-bb37-bc85c3ef6e9b">Re: Have you ever paid for a meal at a bridal shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FMIL is planning my shower and has recently told me she wanted to rent out a banquet room at a local restuarant for it. I'm assuming she would have everyone pay for their own since I doubt she has enough money to buy dinner for 20-40 people. What's the best way to tell her that this is incredibly rude and I do not want her decision reflecting poorly on me?
Posted by ajroark[/QUOTE]
depends on how close you are to her i suppose....the shower that is being thrown for me is at a restuarant...but the hosts are paying for the food....they said even though it was more $$ it was better because they can relax and have fun too instead of having to make food, do dishes, get silverware, etc.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ever-paid-meal-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23dbbb03-e018-4e32-8ca1-7166707e2d68Post:140f2e4b-a8b8-4432-964d-ecdabc49f352">Re: Have you ever paid for a meal at a bridal shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Have you ever paid for a meal at a bridal shower? : I guess I'd just never think to do something like that.  I would go to an ATM and get cash before I'd skip out on a bill.  This may do with the fact that I've waited tables and had people leave without paying their part of the tab (when in larger parties).  Usually when this happens the rest of the group refuses to pay for said person so someone would have to pay for it and it just might come out of the server's tips at the end of the night. 
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

Oh, I get it, and trust me, I usually tip well. And if it was just a girl's lunch, I would totally pay, and probably expect it. I'm thinking more like private party room with decorations, meal, cake, etc. Like I said, it would depend on the circumstances. If I knew about it in advance, whatever. If I knew the host couldn't pay, fine. But I would be pissed about being coerced into doing something which was rude to ask in the first place.

GeauxTigers17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ever-paid-meal-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:23dbbb03-e018-4e32-8ca1-7166707e2d68Post:71978043-637e-45bc-bb37-bc85c3ef6e9b">Re: Have you ever paid for a meal at a bridal shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FMIL is planning my shower and has recently told me she wanted to rent out a banquet room at a local restuarant for it. I'm assuming she would have everyone pay for their own since I doubt she has enough money to buy dinner for 20-40 people. What's the best way to tell her that this is incredibly rude and I do not want her decision reflecting poorly on me?
Posted by ajroark[/QUOTE]

<div>Is there any way to feel her out and try to figure out what she means? This is tough. Normally, I'd say the most polite option would be declining the shower, but since it's your FMIL and it sounds like it's already been decided that she is going to plan it, you're in a tough spot. </div><div>
</div><div>Any way one of your friends wants to "help plan" the shower?</div>

leia1979

None of my friends have actually had a bridal shower, but I've been to a baby shower at a restaurant and I paid for my meal. It didn't even occur to me that someone else should pay.

The other two baby showers I attended were at private homes and food was provided.

ootmother2

late reply

no


and it's not a NYC custom by any means

NOLAbridealmost

Yikes. No.  Never been asked to pay for a meal at a shower. 

And to Ms.Mery's credit, it really is NOT on her if she skips out before paying the check, it's the person who "HOSTED" the party's responsibility.   If someone leaves without paying that's not a "Oh, shucks, let's stiff the waitress" situation; that's a "Oh, shucks, guess the person who was hosting from the get-go needs to pony up the dough like they should have from the beginning" situation.

I am a huge tipper and a former waitress and my anger would be directed at the host not the unwitting guests if I were stiffed. 

adunn09

The only bridal shower I've been invited to was one where we were expected to pay for our own meals.  I didn't realize it until the checks came.  It was at a very expensive restaurant in town and I was still in graduate school, so I was short on funds and not excited at all at having an expensive meal sprung on me.  On top of that, the other girls turned their noses up at the gift I brought (kitchen tools and utensils from BB&B) because they brought things like crystal wine glasses and settings of china.  Not fun.

NOLAbridealmost

Nope. Still doesn't matter.   The person who makes the reservation and organizes the whole thing is responsible for tipping at the end of the night.   And shame on them if they expect other people to help pay.  But at the very least they need to make sure the waiter/ress is taken care of. 

Sheesh. 

jesibel14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ever-paid-meal-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:23dbbb03-e018-4e32-8ca1-7166707e2d68Post:71978043-637e-45bc-bb37-bc85c3ef6e9b">Re: Have you ever paid for a meal at a bridal shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FMIL is planning my shower and has recently told me she wanted to rent out a banquet room at a local restuarant for it. I'm assuming she would have everyone pay for their own since I doubt she has enough money to buy dinner for 20-40 people. What's the best way to tell her that this is incredibly rude and I do not want her decision reflecting poorly on me?
Posted by ajroark[/QUOTE]

I'd tell her that you were hoping for something more low-key, like someone's house or a VFW/UAV/Firehall type place where you can bring in your own food.  Can you ask for some of your family or friends to help prepare food?  Honestly I'd enlist myself to cook to avoid the possibility of people paying for their food at my shower.  Sticky situation, but I'd defiinitely attempt pressing a free or cheap venue where you can bring in your own eats.