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Etiquette

NWR: What would you do?

A friend of mine moved across the country a couple years ago. He usually comes back to visit around his birthday once a year. He makes a facebook note or group for his home coming and tags or invites the people he wants to see while he's home and asks us to make plans that fits into his schedule.

His Birthday was Feb 18th and aside from writing on his facebook wall I didn't really hear freom him. He's still a valued friend but his life has taken off there and in his absance my life has taken off here. We haven't really had much contact in the time that he's been gone, which is understandable. We've both become very busy people.

I got a facebook message Monday night asking if I could meet up on Wednesday because he was home but leaving Thursday morning. Turns out he's been home for about a week. Before he left I was working part time from home. I was single, lived on my own and was a go with the flow kind of girl.

I work 52 hours a week now in an office type setting now and am starting up a home based baking business. I'm engaged, live with my fiancee and our 2 dogs. I'm busy all the time and am super organized. I don't even live in the same city anymore and am half an hour out from where he is.

I offered to meet him around 7:30 as I finish work at 7pm. He tells me that he has dinner plans with another friend and that I would need to meet him later on in the evening.

Seeing how it's a Wednesday night, I need to leave my house by 7:30am tomorrow to work another 10+ hour shift. I hadn't intended on staying out tonight. I was going to go home, make dinner, and sleep. The next opportunity to see him will be when he comes back for the wedding.

I'm not really sure what to do here. Do I suck it up, wait for him to be free and run the risk of being super tired at work Thursday or do I tell him that I'm unavailable and that I'm sorry I wasn't able to meet up?

Re: NWR: What would you do?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2013
    Well, I'd tell him that unfortunately the scheduling doesn't work and that I look forward to seeing him at the wedding.  Sucking it up doesn't seem to be a good idea if it's going to impair your ability to get your work done on Thursday.

    A tip:  I'd put NWR at the beginning of the title of your thread to let everyone know that it's not wedding-related.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its

    What would I do?   I would met a friend I don't see often even if it means I would be tired the next day.


    However, I'm not you.  Just because I willing to doesn't mean you are "wrong" for not wanting to go.  We all have different comfort levels.  If you don't think it's a good idea just let him know your schedule just can't work this time.  NDB.







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Honestly, up to you. Just weigh to yourself what's more important - spending some one on one time with this guy when you know you won't see him for a while (and thus having to be living off coffee tomorrow) or just saying the heck with it and hoping it works out next time. Hopefully he'll be understanding either way. Honestly, I've done both with friends. Sometimes it's worth it - other times it just isn't.

    FWIW, I wouldn't judge too hard that he's been home but didn't have time to contact you until Monday. I lived far from home for about 2 years. When I was home for a week, it was REALLY hard juggling seeing everyone, especially having to prioritize lots of family time. So, he shouldn't get annoyed if you can't make it, but also don't get too annoyed if he didn't have time except for this one slot.
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  • I would let him know I'm unavailable and wish him a safe trip and will see him at the wedding.

    When people grow up, have a job and families to care for, friendship relationships aren't as active. He can still be a close friend but you're planning a wedding and working crazy hours. as a friend, he will understand that you can't modify your schedule that easily.

    Good Luck.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I am not at all spontaneous (wish I were more so, but it is what it is), so this would annoy me. I don't like last-minute plans like that, and so I personally would just tell him I look forward to seeing him at the wedding. But that's just me. If you really want to see him now, then do. If you feel inconvenienced, then dont. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I'm with Addie.

  • In Response to Re: What would you do?:
    [QUOTE] FWIW, I wouldn't judge too hard that he's been home but didn't have time to contact you until Monday. I lived far from home for about 2 years. When I was home for a week, it was REALLY hard juggling seeing everyone, especially having to prioritize lots of family time. So, he shouldn't get annoyed if you can't make it, but also don't get too annoyed if he didn't have time except for this one slot.
    Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

    I was going to say the same thing! I just moved away 6 months ago and really struggle with this. I have a few groups of friends, a mother, a father (divorced), a brother, and other family members to see. If I am in town just a few days, I cannot see everyone. I can do a little combining of friend groups, but sometimes you just want to see certain people separately. Also, since my home town is near NYC, if my fiance comes with me, he wants to always spend an entire day/night doing things in the city (just us). And now that we are planning the wedding in my hometown, we have to do wedding stuff, too. So, there is always someone we'd like to see and can't. I try to switch it up every time I come into town to make someone I couldn't see last time a priority, but I have this one friend who has really been giving me attitude and I am starting to feel like I can't maintain that friendship anymore because of this.

    So, OP, if you can't make it, he'll understand, but don't get upset that he tried to make last minute plans at an inconvenient time. I'd probably go knowing I won't see him for a while, but I would make him commit to a time. He can't just say he'll meet you when he and his friend are done with dinner. That could be 8pm, it could be 11pm.
  • Jen4948  Thanks, updated the title.


    Liatris2010 : I don't mind that it's last minute. He originally asked me to meet up during the day but obviously skipping out on work isn't really an option.


    vonclancy : No judgement. I get life gets in the way. I'm flattered that he reached out to see me at all. I just feel bad that I can't be more accomodating. If I had known he was coming home earlier I could have a bit more flexible.

    I'd love to see him, but I'm not the kind of girl who can stay out until 2am and get up early for work the next morning and still be functional any more.

    I told him to give me a shout later with a time estimation and we could make the call then. 



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