Advice needed: trying to squash the BM drama before it starts

polichik

First of all, top of the evening to everyone I'm going to bed, so this will be a post-and-run, but I'll come back first thing tomorrow.

CN: 4 BMs love the dress I posted last week. Last BM has been slightly snarky since I didn't choose her as MOH. Angry that I want to go with this (cheaper) dress as opposed to a more straight-laced, bridesmaid-y style. WWYD? Go ahead with the dress and maybe make her mad? Forget picking out one dress and have them wear whatever? Did you make an executive decision as a bride? I love this dress, and I wish everyone could wear it, but I don't want to create hurt feelings or drama.

Details: I've gone BM dress shopping independently with four of the BMs (two are located in CA, two are located in IL). Had a possible dress that the two in IL loved and the other three were meh about. Four BMs LOVED new Anthropologie dress I foundt, want the green light to buy it.

The last BM is a childhood friend of mine who was hurt when I didn't choose her as my MOH. I think she's still bummed, since there have been some uncharacteristically snarky remarks popping up (all about my MOH and her being a "lowly" BM). We talked it over, but it's still sort of weird.

She freaked out when I showed her the dress and said it wasn't formal enough for a wedding (it's at a wine bar, urban-vintage style, pretty casual). She knows that my MOH helped me find the dress, and I'm worried this might be behind some of the negative reaction.

Do I just pick the dress that I love, knowing that she'll be unhappy I didn't pick her first choice? I really do love the dress, and the other four BMs are very much on board. I know that I don't have to have them in matching dresses, but I really would love to make this dress happen. WWYD?

Thanks for taking the time to read!

shellydiane820

If she's the only one that doesn't like the dress, I say get it.  She needs to suck it up and realize its not her wedding.

thesuninherhead

I say pick the dress. It's hard enough to please everyone with less BM's but with the amount you have, 4/5 is a good majority. That, and her motives for disliking the dress are rather questionable, so who knows if she does actually dislike the dress in any case. 

 

At the end of the day, you are doing more than many brides in consulting with them. I would go ahead and let them know to get the dress. The formality of the event is your call, not hers. 

JessAndTrav

i wanted to be traditional and non-trendy and have them wear the same dresses. But I did make sure that they were comfortable in the dresses. We all have things that we're self-conscious about, and if they felt that their flaws were exposed or something, I didn't want them to wear it.

Luckily, they all felt fine in it and liked it. Had they not, I probably would have had them bought dresses from the same store and made sure they were the same color and the same length. Shopping at DB made this much easier.

If your friend's hang-up over the dress is just because she doesn't think it's formal enough, that's YOUR call. It's YOUR wedding, and if YOU think that the dresses are formal enough, then that's all that matters, you know?

If you decide to have her get the dress that you're wanting her to get, just explain to her that you really love the dress, and you think it'll go nicely with the overall feel of the wedding that you're trying to create.

If she continues to be a biiitch about it, maybe she'll get fed up and walk away. Then you won't have to deal with her being pathetic about not being the MOH.

sucrets4

I would tell her she has the green light to pick out something else if she wants.  Do you really care if they're all wearing the same thing?  I'd be surprised if she had the balls to wear something totally different when she knows that everyone else is wearing the same dress.

How much time do you have?  Can you let the issue die down a bit before making a decision?

polichik

I do have some time, sucrets, although since it's not a BM dress, I was hoping to have them get it soon (at their convenience) in case Anthro discontinues the style. They've had it for a while, but it would suck if several of them bought it and it went out of stock.

That's not a bad idea about offering for her to get the other one...

sucrets4

That makes sense, poli.  They won't have them forever.  How much are they?  Is she a similar size to you?  Because you could always order one in her size so that if she finally realizes that she's being a tool and it's too late, you have it.

It sounds like she just needs to chill about this MOH thing.  When did you pick people?

eastunder1

I say go with the dress.  If she were voicing concerns like "I feel fat and ugly in a dress that revealing"  maybe consider her opinions more.  But this "It isn't fancy enough"  "Its not traditional enough" stuff isn't a valid argument.  The tone and formality of your wedding is yours to decide and yours alone.  If you think the dresses work then they work, you know?

I know that a lot of people here like to say "no you have to make sure they all 100% love it or else they should pick their own" to out-cool each other, but I think that becomes ridiculous at a point.   if you love it, and ALL the other BMs love it and it is reasonably priced,  you absolutely should get it.   The other girl can't produce a legitimate reason for not wanting to wear it and its your wedding.  She can suck it up for a day.

I'm in a wedding next year and my only hope is that I don't have to pay too much for something I hate.  I don't really give a sh*t if she sticks me in a burlap sack, I just don't want it to cost an arm and a leg.  Do I want to wear a dress I don't like?  Not particularly.  But I will if that's what the bride wants because it's her wedding not mine and I willingly signed up for it.  At some point all this "But what about the BMs!!  Think of the BMs!!" crap passes rationality. 

eastunder1

That was really long winded, sorry. 

JessAndTrav

E, where've you been lately? I've hardly seen you. I always like your input, and I've missed your bunny.

eastunder1

pps - Shelly you look gorgeous in your new siggy pic. 

shellydiane820

aw, thanks east

I liked your rant.

mags0607

I think that if the majority of them like the dress and the dissenting BM doesn't have a body issue with the dress, then majority wins. She needs to suck it up. I was going to let my BMs choose their own style, but when we all were together, they decided that they wanted to match. I think one of them would rather do her own thing, but she agreed and I am staying out of it.

If you like the dress and most of them like the dress, go for it. If she refuses to buy the dress, then she is being a total pill, and is acting immature. It is your wedding, and while I disagree with brides that choose a dress and don't take their BMs feelings into consideration at all, that is not the case here. If you care that they wear the same dress, and the overall reaction is good,then go for it. Ultimately it is your wedding, and if you think the dress fits the vibe you are going for, give the Bms the green light to purchase it.

sucrets4

I should also add that you could totally sell that dress for some $$ as opposed to most bm dresses, but you probably already know that, poli.

squirrly

Poli, get the dress.  I let my BMs pick because they're built SO differently nothing would have worked for all of them, and I didn't want the fights.  And, my sister demanded to be my MOH and we had it out, so I feel your pain there, too.  Your friend will either get over it or she won't, but dress selection isn't really going to change that. 

Mrs.B6302007

I love your new siggy pic, poli!

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-trying-squash-bm-drama-before-starts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2494e8d9-7ff9-4bc7-8800-bf0f4734a4c4Post:f889888e-de87-45d4-a0b2-9f05533d05ce">Re: Advice needed: trying to squash the BM drama before it starts</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in a wedding next year and my only hope is that I don't have to pay too much for something I hate.  I don't really give a sh*t if she sticks me in a burlap sack, I just don't want it to cost an arm and a leg.  Do I want to wear a dress I don't like?  Not particularly.  But I will if that's what the bride wants because it's her wedding not mine and I willingly signed up for it.  At some point all this "But what about the BMs!!  Think of the BMs!!" crap passes rationality. 
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]

This. I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding this summer, and for a while she was talking about champagne dresses, which is a color that does not go with my peaches-and-cream complexion AT ALL. Thankfully, she switched that to eggplant, but if she had stuck with the champagne, I would have bought it with minimal complaining. Why? Because it's her wedding, and if that's what she wants, that's what I'll do. Your bridesmaid needs to grow the eff up. Who gets upset about whether or not they're MOH? It's one day, for chrissake.

ohwhynot

Choose the dress.  Like others said, if this was a body-issues problem, that would be a different story.  But not fancy enough?  BS.  It's not her wedding (I can hardlly believe I just typed that - it's normally not my viewpoint at all, but in this particular case the sentiment is apt).

If you gave her the option to choose something else then it would look like she was the MOH if she showed up in something different from the others.  Which, given the history, may be what she's really angling for. 

guppie786

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-trying-squash-bm-drama-before-starts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2494e8d9-7ff9-4bc7-8800-bf0f4734a4c4Post:cb762cec-ba04-4d78-ac98-9e949bca399f">Re: Advice needed: trying to squash the BM drama before it starts</a>:
[QUOTE] If you gave her the option to choose something else then it would look like she was the MOH if she showed up in something different from the others.  Which, given the history, may be what she's really angling for. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I was thinking when I was reading this post.......

polichik

It's really good to hear everyone's perspectives.

And I chose my BMs right after I got engaged.... a year and a half ago. I know, ha Fortunately, I feel the same about them now as I did then. If anything, my frienship with my MOH has grown substantially since then. The other BM has always been like this at times, but it was always directed at others. Oh, well!

I think I'll probably go with the dress. It's $70 under the amount all the BMs approved, and I know it covers all the areas they want covered After I tried it on myself, I feel even more in love with it. It really fits my style (and the wedding) to a T.

Thanks for the advice, ladies. It's good to know I'm not being unreasonable!

psichick

you're not being unreasonable at all. you're in fact quite lucky that 4 of the 5 love the same dress that you do!!!! especially if it's reasonably priced

i let my BM's choose their own dress, and all of them ended up liking the same dress, so that was fine with me. i would have been ok with them choosing different dresses. we went to the designer and it was basically get what you love, just keep the color the same and try to stay tea length. i actually didn' t have much to do with their dresses other than being there lol

i say just go with what you love. only the MOH really would be ok wearing something different, which as the pp's stated might be her intention. basically tell her that you're going with that dress. if she decides not to get it, then she's taken herself out of the wedding. it's that simple.

sucrets4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-trying-squash-bm-drama-before-starts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2494e8d9-7ff9-4bc7-8800-bf0f4734a4c4Post:36fe2029-2520-4592-939b-771d85f23176">Re: Advice needed: trying to squash the BM drama before it starts</a>:
[QUOTE]It's really good to hear everyone's perspectives. And I chose my BMs right after I got engaged.... a year and a half ago. I know, ha :) Fortunately, I feel the same about them now as I did then. If anything, my frienship with my MOH has grown substantially since then. The other BM has always been like this at times, but it was always directed at others. Oh, well! I think I'll probably go with the dress. It's $70 under the amount all the BMs approved, and I know it covers all the areas they want covered ;) After I tried it on myself, I feel even more in love with it. It really fits my style (and the wedding) to a T. Thanks for the advice, ladies. It's good to know I'm not being unreasonable!
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

She's been holding this grudge for a YEAR AND A HALF?!???

polichik

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-trying-squash-bm-drama-before-starts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2494e8d9-7ff9-4bc7-8800-bf0f4734a4c4Post:18c62300-438d-49bc-a511-79e1677eaa8a">Re: Advice needed: trying to squash the BM drama before it starts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice needed: trying to squash the BM drama before it starts : She's been holding this grudge for a YEAR AND A HALF?!???
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

Good point. I don't think I realized how ridiculous the whole thing is until now...

beatlesgirl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-trying-squash-bm-drama-before-starts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2494e8d9-7ff9-4bc7-8800-bf0f4734a4c4Post:f889888e-de87-45d4-a0b2-9f05533d05ce">Re: Advice needed: trying to squash the BM drama before it starts</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I say go with the dress. </strong> <strong>If she were voicing concerns like "I feel fat and ugly in a dress that revealing"  maybe consider her opinions more. </strong> But this "It isn't fancy enough"  "Its not traditional enough" stuff isn't a valid argument.  The tone and formality of your wedding is yours to decide and yours alone.  If you think the dresses work then they work, you know? I know that a lot of people here like to say "no you have to make sure they all 100% love it or else they should pick their own" to out-cool each other, but I think that becomes ridiculous at a point.   if you love it, and ALL the other BMs love it and it is reasonably priced,  you absolutely should get it.   The other girl can't produce a legitimate reason for not wanting to wear it and its your wedding.  She can suck it up for a day. I'm in a wedding next year and my only hope is that I don't have to pay too much for something I hate.  I don't really give a sh*t if she sticks me in a burlap sack, I just don't want it to cost an arm and a leg.  Do I want to wear a dress I don't like?  Not particularly.  But I will if that's what the bride wants because it's her wedding not mine and I willingly signed up for it.  At some point all this "But what about the BMs!!  Think of the BMs!!" crap passes rationality. 
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. I'm sorry you're having this conflict with the dresses. I had a similar issue, only my sister/MOH was struggling with dress fit from just having a baby. So we ditched the dresses I liked and picked something that she didn't feel too exposed in, and since I promised my other BMs "no strapless dress" for fit reasons, we had to add the spaghetti straps that came with the dress. The end result was not what I wanted or liked, but I figured they had to wear the dress so it was important that they liked it. The day of the wedding, it never crossed my mind what they looked like, only that they felt comfortable enough to dance the night away with me, so it all worked out.

Poli, in your case I think 4/5 is a good indicator that you picked a great dress for them. Like east said, since fit is not an issue with this other BM, it's your prerogative to choose this dress. If you don't, just make sure you'll be cool with having dresses you may not like on the day of, and you'll be all set. Also, I'm sorry that this BM is being sort of passive-aggressively whiny about her BM status. I think if you give in to this stuff with her now, you might set up a pattern for other decisions that will come along in your planning.