Wedding Etiquette Forum

Debating...

I have a friend who I'm considering inviting to my wedding, but I'm not sure if I should. She and I used to be close, but aside from seeing each other once or twice a year (we've lived in different states since we finished college), we don't talk that often anymore. It makes me a little sad that we've drifted apart, but despite my efforts to call, email, etc. she hasn't made any effort on her end to stay in touch. About a year ago I got so fed up with her never returning my calls/emails that I pretty much just stopped trying to contact her.

When I got engaged, I called and left her a voicemail. I didn't exactly say I was engaged, but that I had some very exciting news to share and that I hoped she would give me a call sometime soon so we could catch up. She never called back. Though she did acknowledge my engagement 2 months later on Facebook, it hurt my feelings that she waited that long to contact me. I just felt like, come on, would it have killed you to pick up the phone and call me back at some point? Or maybe even just send a text?

Part of me doesn't really want to invite her to my wedding, but she and I have several mutual friends I'm still close to who I am inviting. For that reason, part of me feels like not including her would be mean. The other part of me doesn't want to invite her though. I just hate those one-sided friendships where you're always the one to call and make the effort to stay in touch, and the other person doesn't reciprocate. Gah.

Any thoughts? Should I just suck it up and invite her? Or should I not bother to?

Re: Debating...

  • If you honestly tried hard to stay in contact and she never responded, I would let the friendship go. It seems like she's not wanting to keep up her half of the relationship for whatever reason, so no, I wouldn't send an invite personally. Sorry this happened to you though and good luck.
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  • I have gone through the same thing with one of my friends, and honestly as hard as it is you have both moved on. If you want to invite her then do so, and if not then don't. Only you can decide that.
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  • I'm dealing with the same situation. I've been friends with this one person since we were 13 (I'm 27 now). Once she started dating her husband she started pulling away from our group and would stop coming out with us unless we reminded her that it had been 6 or more months since we'd seen her last. I would send birthday/anniversary /holiday cards and call her and try to catch up but talking to her was like pulling teeth. She even accused me of only calling her to get gossip to bring back to our group of friends.

    When FI and I got engaged this summer I called her and all my other close friends and left a message. Everyone called back right away except her. So I sent her an e-mail. She never responded. Finally I called to wish her a happy birthday at the end of October and she e-mailed me about a week later to say thanks and she said that she did hear that we got engaged and she wished us well. I e-mailed back and requested a coffee date. Nothing. 

    Part of me doesn't want to invite her because she's pulled so far from me and couldn't even congratulate me in a timely manner. The other part of me wants to invite her as a last "olive branch" or whatever. It's a hard place to be, losing a friend isn't easy. GL.
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    Anniversary
  • @achiduck that is EXACTLY what's happening with my friend too! After she got married a few years ago, it was like she dropped off the planet. I'm not the only one who's had a hard time staying in touch with her; she has drifted away from our whole circle of friends.

    The same thing happened with calling my friends to tell them I was engaged--everyone called me back right away except for her. It hurt that she didn't bother congratulating me (especially because back when she got engaged and called me to share the news, I called her back right away!) It seemed pretty lame that she didn't call back or even send a text--all I got was a Facebook post 2 months later that said, "Congrats. You look happy."

    She might not even come if I invite her, but I feel like inviting her could be the last attempt at holding on to our friendship, like you said.
  • [QUOTE]I'm not the only one who's had a hard time staying in touch with her; she has drifted away from our whole circle of friends. [/QUOTE]
    <div>
    </div><div>This happens.  I'm sorry, but it sounds like this friend has drifted away.  She doesn't put the same value on your continued friendship at this stage of her life that you do.  Let it go gracefully.</div>
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  • Sometimes friends drift apart.  You have no obligation to invite her just because your friends are also friends with her.  If she gets upset, which I doubt, she had her chance to reconnect with you.

  • Sometimes I just completely forget to return calls or texts...give her the benefit of the doubt. If you're questioning it this much, I guess don't invite her, because it sounds like you're not that invested either way if she comes or not.
  • I've had to deal with a similar situation.  A former friend while still dating her now husband was just drifting farther and farther away from our group.  So eventually the rest of the group realized that it was always us putting in the effort, so we just backed away to see if she ever would contact us.  She didn't.  So we just kept on going with our lives.  This kinda stuff will happen.  You just have to realize that people grow apart sometimes.  Yes, it sucks.  But life goes on.  If all of what you wrote is true, I think you already know the answer to your question.
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