Help me avoid the dreaded PPD!

pumpkin314159

I've lurked a bit and posted a couple times, so I guess I'm sticking around.  I might as well provide a little intro so you all can share your wisdom in light of my circumstances

Most important tidbit: My fiancée and I are both girls We live in Nebraska where we cannot legal marry (or get a civil union/partnership/any legal recognition).  Pretty much all our family lives here, too, and we really want to have the wedding here.  Even though we could drive a little over an hour away and do the whole thing legally in Iowa, I think we would both rather have the ceremony in our hometown (for many reasons which I can enumerate if anyone cares).  Frankly, I don't care so much if it's legal or not...the part that's important to me is saying our vows in front of family and friends.  But my fiancée is a very vocal advocate for marriage equality and it's important to her that our union is as equal as legally possible to that between a man and a woman (and we have considered the ramifications of a marriage that is legal in some, but not all, states.).

The plan for now is to make a run to Iowa with just our witnesses and get the legal part taken care of and then, ideally that same day, but the following weekend at the latest, to have a ceremony and reception in our hometown with a minister and our families, etc. 

After arriving at this board, I have become aware of the term "PPD" for a second fake wedding after the legal one, designed as an excuse to fluff up, ask for gifts, and prance around like a "pretty princess."  Obviously that is not what I want.  I would like to be able to marry in my hometown.  But the law forbids it.  Does that give me a pass to have a PPD, since I can't have the ceremony I really want and have it be legal?

Maybe I am being a weirdo about this and overthinking it. I really want the ceremony with all our loved ones to be the "real" one.  Unfortunately, the law isn't on my side here.

Thanks everyone

Loopyseven

Meh... Under these circumstances, I kind of equate this situation to the civil ceremony/religious ceremony required in many other parts of the world.  As long as you don't hide the fact that your legally binding marriage took place elsewhere, I say do what you want.  

And if you're only going an hour away, is it possible to do them on the same day and just invite everyone to both?  Given the circumstances, an hour isn't that far to drive back to your hometown for the reception, especially if many of the guests live in the area and won't have too far to go after the reception.  Give your guests the option if they'd like to make the drive to witness your vows.  If you wanted to get married in Iowa because of a pretty church or something I'd say an hour is too far to ask your guests to drive, but since it's only an hour and you can't legally marry any closer than that, I'd gladly drive to support friends/family.  And if people opt to just go to the reception in your hometown, well, that's what your'e planning now anyway.

Loopyseven

PS - If you do decide to do them separately, I'd treat the public vows more as a vow renewal and maybe just start the reception with them instead of having a whole ceremony around them.  Or write your own personalized vows that you want to exchange with friends and family especially vs. the "canned" traditional vows you might use in a private ceremony.  That might add an element of special-ness (is that even a word?  I'm too tired to care ) to the vow renewal and make guests feel like it's more personal for them.  

Pumpkin and Ms. pumpkin were married privately last weekend but have written their own vows that they would like to share with all of their friends and family as witnesses, blah blah, blah.  Then get the party started .

JaxInBlue

I'm with Loopy.  You aren't having a PPD - especially if your guests know before the ceremony/reception that you made the trip to Iowa for legal purposes.  I like Loopy's suggestion about inviting guests, maybe everyone, maybe just your immediate families, to join you in Iowa.  If you can do that, you would only need to plan a reception in your hometown, one that could include a blessing from your minister.

dtbluv

I feel like in this situation it wouldn't be a PPD.

I'd say make sure to have the legal aspect done either on the day of the wedding or the day before (Friday for a Saturday wedding) or maybe even after (just really really really close to the other parts of your wedding).  Obviously your guests will know that the ceremony and reception are for emotional rather than legal reasons, but they will also know exactly why.  For me personally, I wouldn't think anything of it. 

 I don't know what etiquette dictates in this situation.

Also, I don't think a one hour drive is too long to travel for a wedding.  I wouldn't count it as a destination wedding or anything.  You could also do a private ceremony with only family/close friends in Iowa, then have the reception at home?  Not sure if that fits in with your reasons for wanting the wedding at home, but I hope that helps!

lyndausvi

Ditto Loopy.

I very much so judge these things on a case-by-case bases.   In this case, I don't see it being a problem since legally you can't get married where you want.


If you came on here and said  "we want to get married today but have a party next year" I would give you a side-eye.

mlg78

This is a totally different situation in my opinion... I think it's fine to have it done legally in Iowa and share your vows with family in your hometown. Congrats!

pumpkin314159

Thank you for the input and ideas   I am glad to hear I'm not treading too near PPD territory

I definitely like the idea of having our own personal vows for the "family" ceremony rather than the "canned" ones!  It would be nice to make the ceremony a little different and special.  We have as much flexibility as we want in that regard, which is one plus, I suppose

I also hadn't thought of doing the ceremony first and the "paperwork" the next business day after.  That would definitely assure that the ceremony in our hometown is the "real" one, right? Would it be weird to do the legal part AFTER the big ceremony and reception?  I guess one drawback would be delaying any "honeymoon" by a few days, but that's not a big deal to me.

The reason I hesitate to have the ceremony in IA and just the reception in NE is because my fiancée has a very large and wonderful family that she is very close to...and after my family pretty much freaked about the whole "gay" thing, they have welcomed me with open arms.  I really want them to all be there to witness the beginning of my new family with my fiancée.  Also, my fiancée is blessed to have a 95-year-old great-grandma that she is very close to and we both hesitate to ask her to make even an hour car-trip. 

Thanks again for all your opinions and advice!

EK2013

Do what you can to be inclusive of your guests and don't lie to them. And then have a fun time. No one on the internet or in your personal lives should hassle you about legal hoop-jumping. I echo Loopy that if you can invite all of your guests to see the civil ceremony, that would be a nice touch.

EDIT wrote that before you replied, so now I see why some guests wouldn't want to make that drive.

Also, I'd buy either order (legal first or hometown first) or depending on what works for you, your fiancee, your VIPs and guests. But it probably would be more fun for you to do them as close to each other as possible.

Angelface225

How about some type of group transportation? It may be a little cheesy, but I know it's not that expensive to charter a bus around here. I'm not sure about your area. I would totally drive an hour to support friends of mine if there were a similar situation. I can't believe that's still an issue, it's been legal Canada-wide for years!

QueerFemme

I responded to you on the gay message boards too, but just in case....

This is probably the only circumstance that it makes any sense to have a JOP wedding and a wedding re-do. I personally, don't see any reason to have the ceremony re-do. I would probably just host a private ceremony in the other state and come back home and host the party/reception. However, I wouldn't side-eye a same sex couple who did it this way, since clearly, we can't get married in most states.

One thing to keep in mind, is when you get married in another state, you have to abide by those laws. I have said this to other people, and people get their feathers ruffled because they don't want to think about divorce when they are in the throws of a beautiful relationship and planning their weddings. But, when you get married in New York, for example, if you ever get divorced, you would have to be a resident of the state to have access to the laws there. Most states require a six month residency requirement.

My partner and I had a beautiful ceremony in California. We registered as domestic partners and we have drafted legal documents to protect us in the event of an emergency (to make medical and other decisions). We decided not to bother going to another state to get legally married, because once we got home, that was mostly meaningless anyway ad offers us zero protection or rights in our own state (in addition to what I mentioned above about having access to the courts).

Just something to consider

NOLAbridealmost

Totally okay.

Simply Fated

I like the idea of inviting everyone to the ceremony out of state and combine the legal AND the commitment ceremony into one. Then have the reception the next day or weekend. I think that's a really good compromise because it gives you your family witnesses and your fiancee her legal ceremony PLUS you get to celebrate in your homestate.

STARMOON44

Yep, in exchange for being denied your basic civil rights, you gets to have alllllll the "wedding" days you want.  I've been to 3 for one couple- a non-legal commitment ceremony in New York, pre legal gay marriage, a civil commitment ceremony, and finally a full on New York wedding.  They threw some great parties, and I was happy to celebrate with them.

Leells2017

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-me-avoid-the-dreaded-ppd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24cdd72e-bc61-4a01-8651-12291554aa26Post:4521b15b-8df7-4a43-b5c3-17105f10f57a">Re: Help me avoid the dreaded PPD!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that the fact that you're being denied a basic human right makes it OK to have the wedding however it suits you best.  Congrats and welcome.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

<div>So, so, so much this! Go all out and have fun!!!</div>

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-me-avoid-the-dreaded-ppd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24cdd72e-bc61-4a01-8651-12291554aa26Post:4521b15b-8df7-4a43-b5c3-17105f10f57a">Re: Help me avoid the dreaded PPD!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that the fact that you're being denied a basic human right makes it OK to have the wedding however it suits you best.  Congrats and welcome.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

<div>This. But also keep in mind the important things from cmgilpin's post. </div>

cookie0803

I think it is terribly sad that you should even have to ask this question. It's not a PPD, because it sounds like if you could, you would be having one ceremony in front of your friends and family, followed by one reception. Congrats!

pumpkin314159

Thank you ladies for all your input!  We're still talking over the logistics, but you've given me a lot of good feedback and I'm glad to hear most people would not look sideways at two ceremonies if that's the way we decide to do it   I'm sure I'll be back to follow up once we're further along in the planning process.

NYCMercedes

Is it too late for me to add that I'd gladly drive an hour for friends and family?

32daisies

I just want to echo what so other PPs have said. Since it is not remotely your fault and in fact profoundly unjust that you have to jump through such hurdles at all, frankly, I think you get to do whatever works best for you, in the end. You want to get married, and celebrate with family and friends. You're being made to go through hoops you shouldn't have to just to do this simple thing, so however you manage work it out, no one has the right to question.

MsYeck

As someone from Omaha NE and currently living in Council Bluffs IA, I would say do everything in Iowa on the same day. It is not an hour drive it is a 10 minute drive. I work in West Omaha  (the furthest away from Iowa part) and make it in 20-25 minutes everyday.

I am for gay marriage. However I might take some flack for this but I think if your going to make it legal in Iowa you should live in Iowa. Too many people in this area choose to get married in Iowa and live in Nebraska so they can leech off of the government since Nebraska does not view them as married. For example I had a co-worker who maried in Iowa and lived in Nebraska, one made alot more money than the other but combined they made almost double what fiance and I make. Guess what one of them got Medicaid, housing assistance and foodstamps because Nebraska does not few them as married. In Iowa they would not have quaified for any of this.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-me-avoid-the-dreaded-ppd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24cdd72e-bc61-4a01-8651-12291554aa26Post:277ddf86-c71c-445f-bfd1-37721b5c111c">Re: Help me avoid the dreaded PPD!</a>:
[QUOTE]As someone from Omaha NE and currently living in Council Bluffs IA, I would say do everything in Iowa on the same day. It is not an hour drive it is a 10 minute drive. I work in West Omaha  (the furthest away from Iowa part) and make it in 20-25 minutes everyday. I am for gay marriage. However I might take some flack for this but I think if your going to make it legal in Iowa you should live in Iowa. Too many people in this area choose to get married in Iowa and live in Nebraska so they can <strong>leech off of the government</strong> since Nebraska does not view them as married. For example I had a co-worker who maried in Iowa and lived in Nebraska, one made alot more money than the other but combined they made almost double what fiance and I make. <strong>Guess what one of them got Medicaid, housing assistance and foodstamps because Nebraska does not few them as married. In Iowa they would not have quaified for any of this.
</strong>Posted by MsYeck[/QUOTE]

I imagine your co-worker is an exception, rather than the rule.  I promise you, people aren't running off to Iowa to get legally married and avoiding being legally married in their home state so they can "leech off the government". 

pumpkin314159

MsYeck---

I know my profile says I live in Omaha, but that is only because theknot doesn't care/know that Lincoln exists.  My fiancée and I live and work in Lincoln, so it is actually over an hour drive to Iowa.

I don't really understand your suggestion that I should move to Iowa...I mean, I agree that I would rather live in a state that doesn't discriminate against me...but I don't really understand your argument that I am somehow cheating the system by living in a state that discriminates against me.  For one thing, the benefits you describe are federal, not state benefits.  Since the federal government doesn't acknowledge same-sex marriages performed in any state, that's sort of a moot point.  Secondly, my fiancée and I are both gainfully employed and neither of us is on any form of government assistance.  We pay our taxes...We *want* to be married and have the same privileges and responsibilities as all married couples.  Lastly, same sex couples are denied over 1000 federal benefits that are granted to straight married couples (http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/an-overview-of-federal-rights-and-protections-granted-to-married-couples).  So in a way, the straight married couples are the ones "cheating the system" when these privileges are granted to some couples and not others.  Of course, something like Medicaid fraud is never okay!  But, like cmglipin says, that is by far the exception.   

I don't want to step out of the scope of this discussion board, and I get the distinct feeling that I'm just talking to myself here, but I guess I try to provide information and clarification when I can.  I hope my words aren't out of line.  Thanks again to everyone who's chimed in.  I really appreciate all your feedback and thoughts.