Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????

seesawgirl

A little over a year ago, one of FI's groomsmen became involved with a married woman, Tiffany.

He considers her his "girlfriend" (His status on FB is 'in a relationship') even though she is still married, and bounces back and forth between living with her husband, her parents, and occasionally Karl, when her husband and parents get tired of dealing with her. 

Basically, the woman is a wh0re. While "dating" Karl, (in addition to being married) she started sleeping with his best friend, Ryan.

 Any time they are together, Ryan is with them, and the two of them are all over each other. Karl knows they slept together, and broke it off for a while...but is now seeing her, again. 

It makes our entire circle of friends disgusted to see it. The last time they came to FI's and my house, I was on the verge of asking Tiffany to leave, because it was so blatantly obvious what was going on, and Karl was just...sitting there, all stoney faced and miserable. On the rare occasions where Ryan isn't around, she finds another male to latch onto, still in front of Karl.

Now, I get that this is HIS problem to deal with, that if he wants to put up with her cheating on him (can it be considered cheating if she's married to someone else already???) and rubbing it in his face, its entirely his decision...But I don't want the woman at my wedding. 

So, my question is, even though he considers her to be his "girlfriend", do you think I can get away with not inviting her? I'm...ok with being rude, to avoid seeing Tiffany dry humping some random man on the dance floor, while Karl drowns his sorrows with umpteen glasses of wine.

Also, I prefer the more polite route of inviting Karl, and on the RSVP card, indicating that we have reserved 1 seat, etc. I may be wrong but I feel like he's intelligent enough to know what that means.

 But FI thinks that he needs to tell Karl, explicitly, that she is not welcome at our wedding, and that if she shows up, she'll be asked to leave. He's afriad that Karl will just assume that he can bring a guest. 

So, in this situation, I'd like to know what you think A) proper ettiquette suggests, and also What YOU would do, etiquette rules be damned. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I think this whole thing is pretty judgy. She's a whore? What if she's just polyamorous? It sounds like her husband knows what's up. If everyone involved is okay with it, then it's not really your business to be "disgusted." If Karl isn't okay with being in a polyamorous relationship, well, that's his problem.

It's also SO female-postive to call other women whores. How accepting and not at all sexist of you!

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:6bfbb9a7-399c-4b66-9a1e-5b1e8afc72c5">Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]  So, in this situation, I'd like to know what you think A) proper ettiquette suggests, and also B) What YOU would do, etiquette rules be damned. 
Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]

Look.  In this instance, I would give him a +1 and call it a day.  Beyond the whole dynamics of his relationship WHICH, by the way, you should not be judging, you cannot dictate who your guests bring.

Now, if you want to not give him a +1 then that's your prerogative.  But he'd probably catch on when he sees other couples there. 

annakb8

I don't think you HAVE to invite her, but I would probably give Karl a "and guest" invitation anyway. She is still his girlfriend, even if she makes him miserable. It just really isn't any of your business. Even if she dry humps some dude on the dance floor, that still isn't your business. It reflects poorly on her, not on you*. I get why you might not want here there, but if Karl is important to you or your FI I would do whatever is necessary to make him feel welcome and comfortable. If that involves inviting his married girlfriend, so be it.

Also, I agree with Mery. You sound pretty judgy. 

*edited to make sense

[Deleted User]

Eh, sometimes you just have to call it like you see it. Some women are whores, some men are whores, and no amount of acting "female positive" is going to change that fact. If I see some chick hanging all over multiple guys, and know she cheats on her H, then I'm going to judge it. Same goes for a guy.

Based on the OP, it doesn't sound like the H is okay with the situation and it doesn't seem like the relationship is polyamorous, seeing as how he kicks her out for being tired of her behavior. He's just stupid for staying with her.  

AmethystMSU

It would be considerate of you to give Karl a +1. Unless your wedding is super tiny, you won't even notice this woman. If she humps people on the dance floor, that reflects on her, not on you.

Karl is making an adult decision to be involved with a married woman who cheats on her husband with him and on him with his best friend. That's on him, not on you.

lenergyrlah

My sister is the same way; she's married, and she's dating another married man.  I just told her she can bring whoever she wants, her husband, boyfriend, or both.

But if it was just a random guest rather than my sister I would probably just give them a +1 and let them decide.

Think of it like this, if your FI cheated on you, wouldn't you still expect to be a +1 on anything he's invited to?

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:53c763ab-6575-4436-bcc6-0ed53919fe8f">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh, sometimes you just have to call it like you see it. Some women are whores, some men are whores, and no amount of acting "female positive" is going to change that fact. If I see some chick hanging all over multiple guys, and know she cheats on her H, then I'm going to judge it. Same goes for a guy. Based on the OP, it doesn't sound like the H is okay with the situation and it doesn't seem like the relationship is polyamorous, seeing as how he kicks her out for being tired of her behavior. He's just stupid for staying with her.  
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
I agree with you Sesh.  But at the same time? You can't do the whole "She's not allowed at OUR wedding" thing based on apparently moral grounds.  No one is going to be in physical danger if she's there, which is pretty much the only excuse  for not inviting an SO.

em01092

I think you need to remember that this other woman is not in the polyamorous relationship/extramarital affair/whatever you want to call it by herself.  Your friend is guilty too, yet you make it sound like it is all this woman's fault. She is doing her thing, and if Karl puts up with it if it's not what he wants is his fault entirely. And if it's such an awful thing to you, I don't get why you guys are still associating with Karl. 

If Karl's choice of friends/girlfriend is not enough to make you break off the relationship with him as a friend, you need to accept that this is his life and his buisness. Do you have to agree with it? Definitely not. I would just give him a +1. You can't politely tell him not to bring this woman specifically, but you don't invite him period or don't give him a +1. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:4f5fc4d2-32bd-4d4a-8200-9e9ca621c093">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else???? : I agree with you Sesh.  But at the same time? You can't do the whole "She's not allowed at OUR wedding" thing based on apparently moral grounds.  No one is going to be in physical danger if she's there, which is pretty much the only excuse  for not inviting an SO.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

Oh, I agree with the +1 thing. I was responding to the being "female positive," which I guess I don't understand (or am understanding it wrong). Maybe I'm an overly judgey person, but I'm not going to pretend like people's actions are always acceptable for fear of not acting positively enough toward my gender. Or that of the opposite.

sparent2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:5babd355-decd-46ed-858b-c119970ff3bf">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else???? : Look.  In this instance, I would give him a +1 and call it a day.  Beyond the whole dynamics of his relationship WHICH, by the way, you should not be judging, you cannot dictate who your guests bring. Now, if you want to not give him a +1 then that's your prerogative.  But he'd probably catch on when he sees other couples there. 
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

Seriously this whole situation is a hot mess

artbyallie

We invited a poly triad to our wedding (though the unmarried girlfriend and the married couple split shortly thereafter) and I agree that that's not at all what this sounds like. I honestly wouldn't invite her because you can't have a married woman as a girlfriend. I mean, when someone comes here asking about a married man who wants to bring his mistress with/instead of his wife, don't we say she doesn't have to be invited? The social unit here is the married couple, and Karl is not a part of that. So I feel like he can be invited alone.

OP should be able to explain to him why his 'girlfriend' is not invited, though.

eorea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:53c763ab-6575-4436-bcc6-0ed53919fe8f">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh, sometimes you just have to call it like you see it. Some women are whores, some men are whores, and no amount of acting "female positive" is going to change that fact. If I see some chick hanging all over multiple guys, and know she cheats on her H, then I'm going to judge it. Same goes for a guy. <div>Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>I agree with this. It goes both ways and I usually call it as I see it. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, I would just give him the +1. You don't have to but it would be easier to avoid drama or any problems. Even if you don't like her she is still his girlfriend. You can judge her all day long but you can't change that they are together. It sucks but that's how it is. 

</div>

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:1370b0b7-2287-48df-9967-1bccd3f3fe60">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else???? : I agree with this. It goes both ways and I usually call it as I see it.  OP, I would just give him the +1. You don't have to but it would be easier to avoid drama or any problems. Even if you don't like her she is still his girlfriend. You can judge her all day long but you can't change that they are together. It sucks but that's how it is. 
Posted by eorea[/QUOTE]

This.  Just give him a general +1.  He can either take that to mean his 'girlfriend' or someone else, but you can't necessarily tell him not to bring her because your wedding is NOT the place to judge his relationship. 

If you are concerned about him with her, you should bring it up as a friend would do w/o a wedding coming up.  But using your wedding to bring it up about how YOU don't want her at YOUR wedding makes you sound like you don't care about how she hurts your friend, just how it will reflect on your wedding, which is not cool.

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:7f832cbf-d6ce-4f9e-b74f-1ac8db74a906">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]We invited a poly triad to our wedding (though the unmarried girlfriend and the married couple split shortly thereafter) and I agree that that's not at all what this sounds like. I honestly wouldn't invite her because you can't have a married woman as a girlfriend. I mean, when someone comes here asking about a married man who wants to bring his mistress with/instead of his wife, don't we say she  doesn't have to be invited? The social unit here is the married couple, and Karl is not a part of that. So I feel like he can be invited alone. OP should be able to explain to him why his 'girlfriend' is not invited, though.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

That situation is different though. If she wanted to invite Tiffany to the wedding and the question was, do I invite her with her husband or Karl, then it would be Tiffany + husband, since they're the social unit as they're married.
The husband isn't in play here, though.

OP, I say you just give Karl a +1, because he's a groomsman and wedding party usually gets +1 regardless of relationship status. He can bring whoever he likes with that +1. You don't have to acknowledge her as his GF if you're not comfortable; just invite him and guest, and call it a day. It's really his business, not yours.

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:7f832cbf-d6ce-4f9e-b74f-1ac8db74a906">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]We invited a poly triad to our wedding (though the unmarried girlfriend and the married couple split shortly thereafter) and I agree that that's not at all what this sounds like. I honestly wouldn't invite her because you can't have a married woman as a girlfriend. I mean, <strong>when someone comes here asking about a married man who wants to bring his mistress with/instead of his wife, don't we say she  doesn't have to be invited?</strong> The social unit here is the married couple, and Karl is not a part of that. So I feel like he can be invited alone. OP should be able to explain to him why his 'girlfriend' is not invited, though.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

<div>This is different, however.  In this case, neither the married woman "gf" or her husband would be invited guests.  Karl, in the wedding party is.  Since he considers himself in a relationship, then yes, he should probably be invited with a +1.</div><div>
</div><div>But yeah, the whole thing is a mess.</div>

Simply Fated

I agree with Em. It goes both ways. If she is a whore, then what does that make the guy who is sleeping with a girl he knows is married? It takes two.

In the end, though, it's Karl's problem, not yours. It's his relationship, regardless of whether or not you like the arrangement.

Now, I get that this is HIS problem to deal with, that if he wants to put up with her cheating on him (can it be considered cheating if she's married to someone else already???) and rubbing it in his face, its entirely his decision...But I don't want the woman at my wedding.
Which makes your situation the same as everyone else's that asks about this. You dont' like her, great. You have your reasons, which are perfectly valid. But it's his relationship and his problem, as you have already said. So your situation just isn't special or unique, IMO.

I'd invite him with a date and leave it alone.

If you dont' invite him with a date, it will just cause more drama when he gets pissed off.

seesawgirl

Just being clear- her and her "husband" are NOT polyamorous. I have no problem with couples that are, what they do in their spare time is their business, not mine, lol. 

I'm all for being female positive and sexual freedom. I don't believe that having multiple partners makes you a ho, and I believe you can have only slept with a few people and still be one...but when you're acting the way she acts, when you talk about how you're not really sure who the father of your child is with people you just met, that it could be "any number of people" (in front of your 8 yr old kid)....yeah. That's a ho. 

The thing is, it IS a small wedding. We're expecting less than 50 guests, so...it will be pretty obvious, and all of our friends hate her. Every. Single. One.  She's tried to sleep with most of our male friends, and the female friends don't want her around their SO's. So...there very well COULD be bodily harm inflicted. 

*reconsiders the alcohol budget* 

We might just be going with a champage toast... 

Oh, and I totally get what you're saying about it being Karl's fault too. Like I said, I know what he does is his decision. As far as him being my friend...he's not. He's FI's childhood friend, and is only a groomsman for sentimental reasons. FI loves him, but doesn't approve of the choices he's made. He just said he would feel wrong without him up there, since they've been friends since they were kids. 

AmethystMSU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:f098484a-c226-4fe5-b399-fa314042893d">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]Just being clear- her and her "husband" are NOT polyamorous. I have no problem with couples that are, what they do in their spare time is their business, not mine, lol.  I'm all for being female positive and sexual freedom. I don't believe that having multiple partners makes you a ho, and I believe you can have only slept with a few people and still be one...but when you're acting the way she acts, when you talk about how you're not really sure who the father of your child is with people you just met, that it could be "any number of people" (in front of your 8 yr old kid)....yeah. That's a ho.  The thing is, it IS a small wedding. We're expecting less than 50 guests, so...it will be pretty obvious, and all of our friends hate her. Every. Single. One.  She's tried to sleep with most of our male friends, and the female friends don't want her around their SO's. So...there very well COULD be bodily harm inflicted.  *reconsiders the alcohol budget*  We might just be going with a champage toast...  Oh, and I totally get what you're saying about it being Karl's fault too. Like I said, I know what he does is his decision. <strong>As far as him being my friend...he's not. He's FI's childhood friend, and is only a groomsman for sentimental reasons. FI loves him, but doesn't approve of the choices he's made. He just said he would feel wrong without him up there, since they've been friends since they were kids. 
</strong>Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]
If you don't give Karl a +1, is it worth it to your FI to possibly lose his friend over this? Karl may take this extremely personally and refuse to show up to the wedding, along with refuse to stay friends with FI.

kekr0202

Part of me wants you to invite her so we can hear all about this hot mess...but I'd say don't invite her.  I'm with others that agree she is not a part of the social unit.  In the end, it's you and your husband's day...do what will make you the most happy and least stressed!

Maybe have your FI speak to Karl-I bet it'd be no big deal especially coming from a guy.   

seesawgirl

"is it worth it to your FI to possibly lose his friend over this? Karl may take this extremely personally and refuse to show up to the wedding, along with refuse to stay friends with FI."

Honestly, I don't know. 

This is one of those things where you don't even know why he puts up with her. 

She's already not welcome in many of our friends' homes, because of her putting the moves on male friends...and he says he understands, and still visits them, alone. He talks all the time about how trashy she is, and how he doesn't even really want to be with her, but he's not "stong enough" to stay away (his words)

All I can think of is that the sex must be amazing...and it should be, she practices often enough. O.O

I think we're just going to go the +1 route, scale back on the alcohol until they leave, and avoid any bootie dancing music... *sigh*

RamonaFlowers

I agree with Seshat. Just give him the +1 and be done with it, since in spite of everything, he considers this chick his girlfriend.


But on the same note, if she's sleeping around and her husband isn't cool with it (Considering he kicks her out from time to time when he's "had enough", it's pretty safe to assume he's not) and she's a married woman, yup, she's a whore, and I don't see anything wrong with judging her as such. Why is it "sexist" and "not female positive" to think a married woman sleeping around with other people is a whore? I think married men that sleep around are whores and I thoroughly judge them, so I fail to see how holding a woman to the same standards (The standard of "Don't f*cking sleep around if you're married to somebody that's not cool with that lifestyle") is wrong.

On the same token, Karl's a douche for knowingly being involved with a married woman on that level. I admit to judging the crap out of all informed parties being involved in extramarital affairs, so there's that.

AmethystMSU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:2259c09a-7e68-4146-b2cc-6a38687702f6">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]"is it worth it to your FI to possibly lose his friend over this? Karl may take this extremely personally and refuse to show up to the wedding, along with refuse to stay friends with FI." Honestly, I don't know.  This is one of those things where you don't even know why he puts up with her.  She's already not welcome in many of our friends' homes, because of her putting the moves on male friends...and he says he understands, and still visits them, alone. He talks all the time about how trashy she is, and how he doesn't even really want to be with her, but he's not "stong enough" to stay away (his words) All I can think of is that the sex must be amazing...and it should be, she practices often enough. O.O I think we're just going to go the +1 route, <strong>scale back on the alcohol until they leave</strong>, and avoid any bootie dancing music... *sigh*
Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]
Just curious, how are you going to do this?

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:2259c09a-7e68-4146-b2cc-6a38687702f6">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]"is it worth it to your FI to possibly lose his friend over this? Karl may take this extremely personally and refuse to show up to the wedding, along with refuse to stay friends with FI." Honestly, I don't know.  This is one of those things where you don't even know why he puts up with her.  She's already not welcome in many of our friends' homes, because of her putting the moves on male friends...and he says he understands, and still visits them, alone. He talks all the time about how trashy she is, and how he doesn't even really want to be with her, but he's not "stong enough" to stay away (his words) All I can think of is that the sex must be amazing...and it should be, she practices often enough. O.O <strong>I think we're just going to go the +1 route, scale back on the alcohol until they leave, and avoid any bootie dancing music... *sigh*</strong>
Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]
......Seriously? You are so incredibly amazingly...

Do you really think that would stop her? REALLY?

seesawgirl

Well, we're already planning on having the reception in two stages. (This is the plan between the two of us and our MOH and BM, no one else knows yet.)

We were planning on having a traditional reception with family, etc, and serve champage, wine, etc. 

Then, since we have the place until 3 am, after the parents, grandpartents, and children have left, the reception would essentially turn into an after party, with beer, harder liquor, louder music, etc. 

So, I'm thinking, just having enough champagne served for 1-2 glasses each during the reception, because I don't want any fights breaking out, and then when they clear out (and they will because she's got 2 kids at home) we can start the after party. 

lyndausvi

My MIL dated a married man for 20+ years.   I invited her BF.   He has attended a lot of weddings with MIL.

In this case I would give him a +1 and call it a day.  You wedding is not for a few more months, hopefully he will see the light by then.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:f098484a-c226-4fe5-b399-fa314042893d">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]Just being clear- her and her "husband" are NOT polyamorous. I have no problem with couples that are, what they do in their spare time is their business, not mine, lol.  I'm all for being female positive and sexual freedom. I don't believe that having multiple partners makes you a ho, and I believe you can have only slept with a few people and still be one...but when you're acting the way she acts, when you talk about how you're not really sure who the father of your child is with people you just met, that it could be "any number of people" (in front of your 8 yr old kid)....yeah. That's a ho.  The thing is, it IS a small wedding. We're expecting less than 50 guests, so...it will be pretty obvious, and all of our friends hate her. Every. Single. One.  <strong>She's tried to sleep with most of our male friends</strong>, and the female friends don't want her around their SO's. So...there very well COULD be bodily harm inflicted.  *reconsiders the alcohol budget*  We might just be going with a champage toast...  Oh, and I totally get what you're saying about it being Karl's fault too. Like I said, I know what he does is his decision. As far as him being my friend...he's not. He's FI's childhood friend, and is only a groomsman for sentimental reasons. FI loves him, but doesn't approve of the choices he's made. He just said he would feel wrong without him up there, since they've been friends since they were kids. 
Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]

has she tried to sleep with your FI?  I'm just morbidly curious becuase that would be like icing on this messed up cake.

I'd invite him with a +1, and have FI talk with him about the fact that he deserves better than to have to watch his "girlfriend" be all over every guy but him - outside the context of the wedding.  You've still got a few months, keep your fingers crossed that they're broken up by then...

AmethystMSU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:917c7fdb-6f78-4787-af1b-bb468d87e50f">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, we're already planning on having the reception in two stages. (This is the plan between the two of us and our MOH and BM, no one else knows yet.) We were planning on having a traditional reception with family, etc, and serve champage, wine, etc.  Then, <strong>since we have the place until 3 am, after the parents, grandpartents, and children have left, the reception would essentially turn into an after party, with beer, harder liquor, louder music, etc.</strong>  So, I'm thinking, just having enough champagne served for 1-2 glasses each during the reception, because I don't want any fights breaking out, and then when they clear out (and they will because she's got 2 kids at home) we can start the after party. 
Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]
What happens when fun-loving Aunt Sue, an uninvited guest to the after party, doesn't leave by midnight (or whenever the "traditional" reception ends) because she notices there are still 40 people there? Will you kick her out or allow her to stay and party with the young people? I'm genuinely curious here, since the reception and after party are going to be in the same place, and there will be different guest lists.

AmethystMSU

Also, FWIW, we had an after party in a conference room of the hotel everyone stayed at. We were there for maybe 45 minutes and left because we were exhausted and wanted to, ah, consummate the marriage. Honestly, I would have been fine not attending it at all but since I organized it, I felt like H and I should make an appearance. Leading up to it, I was REALLY excited about it and looking forward to continuing the party. Yeah, not so much the night of!!

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:043f9f54-2c8a-43b5-a2c6-eaa7fc7385ad">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else???? : What happens when fun-loving Aunt Sue, an uninvited guest to the after party, doesn't leave by midnight (or whenever the "traditional" reception ends) because she notices there are still 40 people there? Will you kick her out or allow her to stay and party with the young people? I'm genuinely curious here, since the reception and after party are going to be in the same place, and there will be different guest lists.
Posted by AmethystMSU[/QUOTE]

I kind of took it to mean that they'd start letting their friends get rowdier once it got later - anyone who wants to hang out, can, anyone who's not into that scene would leave.

FWIW - I would be pissed if I attended a wedding and all they had was wine for the first several hours and didn't actually open up the bar til after midnight.  Why should I have to stay up until 3am to get a cocktail?  Not to mention you're basically guaranteeing your guests will be mixing alcohols which will lead to more vomiting and worse hangovers

eorea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_considered-social-unit-one-of-already-married-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:280cc9c8-6962-4fa8-9a09-3a75880bd6d1Post:917c7fdb-6f78-4787-af1b-bb468d87e50f">Re: Are they considered a social unit, if one of them is already married to someone else????</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, we're already planning on having the reception in two stages. (This is the plan between the two of us and our MOH and BM, <strong>no one else knows yet</strong>.) We were planning on having a traditional reception with family, etc, and serve champage, wine, etc.  Then, since we have the place until 3 am, after the parents, grandpartents, and children have left, the reception would essentially turn into an after party, with beer, harder liquor, louder music, etc.  So, I'm thinking, just having enough champagne served for 1-2 glasses each during the reception, because I don't want any fights breaking out, and then when they clear out (and they will because she's got 2 kids at home) we can start the after party. 
Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]

<div>Good because I would reconsider this idea. After parties are fine but this could turn into a hot mess. It doesn't really sound like a good plan. </div>