MIA MOH and BM!!!

mrsbrant

We are having our "best friends" be our Maid of Honor and Best Man (they too are a couple) well we havent heard from them in over a month, my MOH will email here and there but thats about it. My family and bridesmaid have tried to involove her in planning activies but she misses the dates, doesnt respond, or thinks they are the week later. I really do not need this stress especially with only a 2 months left. My fiance has since deleted his friends number and says he is all set with dealing with them! I need advice on how to deal with this situation! Everyone tells me to give them the boot but it is so much easier said then done!  HELP ME!!!!!!

arbolita

How is your fiance going to deal with his best man if he deleted his phone number?  Is he going to send a scathing facebook message?

danieliza1127

You need to remember that not everyone will be as excited about your wedding as you guys are and not everyone is gung ho about planning and participating. 

If you kick them out, you're ending the friendship.  You need to think long and hard about whether you really want to do that with the people you are calling your "best friends".

FutureMrsTR

WIth two months to go, I don't really see what else they should be doing.  Does she have her dress or have it ordered?  Is he going to get fitted for a tux?  Boom, done. 

My advice is to relax.  Have you tried to get in touch with them other then wedding related things?

amysmomma

Personally my MOH lives 4 hours away, so the ONLY duty I have her doing is standing up beside me in the wedding. 

I don't think you should "boot" someone out of your wedding party.  Maybe there are other things going on in her life right now, why don't you give her a call and talk about non-WR stuff, maybe she'll let you know what's up.

Pirata13

What PPs said.  Look, my MOH is on the other side of the country. We touch base ONCE IN A WHILE because we are both BUSY...and I know when she arrives here, she knows when we're decorating the hall, when the rehersal is, and what time to be at my house the day of. That's all that needs to happen. 

nhelene

You don't know what's up in their personal lives.  They could be going through any number of things that are much more urgent than your pre-wedding plans. 

I had two of my WP "missing" too, as in no one I knew had had any contact with them whatsoever in a month.  Both of them ended up having new jobs that took up all of their time.  My MOH is literally in the middle of the desert right now with no phone or internet.  

Or they could just be flaky.  That's no excuse for "firing" them. 

It sounds like your bridesmaids are planning things on their own.  If MOH can't or won't respond, she's the one missing out.  Just back off of them.  They will almost certainly show up for your wedding with dress and tux in hand, and that's really their only responsibility.

AmoroAgain

Dude, a bridal party is not something you can get fired from.  It's not a job, and you are not their boss.  They don't have to check in with you more than normal, they don't have to file reports saying where they are, and what they're doing.  How about checking in with them and NOT mentioning the wedding-- How jerkface would you feel if you got rid of them from your group, and made all these assumptions about what was going on in their life to only find out that there was a personal tragedy or they are breaking up or something? 

andy71781

You need to chill out or these next two months are going to be really painful for you and those around you.  What do you need her help on?  Our best man showed up at the RD and didn't forget the rings - that is about the most you can expect for it.  Are you worried about showers and bach parties?  Please don't fire them - it will ruin your friendship.

I think you are just overwhelmed by planning.  What is stressing you out right now?

AllAboutTheBenjamin

What exactly is it that you need your maid of honor and best man to be doing?  As long as they have their attire figured out... I'm not really sure what the problem is.

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mia-moh-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:292fdd45-aae8-41ee-9c4a-de08b2d3202dPost:8c31a1c8-96c8-4d14-b48e-785a13a09a47">MIA MOH and BM!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]We are having our "best friends" be our Maid of Honor and Best Man (they too are a couple) well we havent heard from them in over a month, my MOH will email here and there but thats about it. My family and bridesmaid have tried to involove her in planning activies but she misses the dates, doesnt respond, or thinks they are the week later. I really do not need this stress especially with only a 2 months left. My fiance has since deleted his friends number and says he is all set with dealing with them! I need advice on how to deal with this situation! Everyone tells me to give them the boot but it is so much easier said then done!  HELP ME!!!!!!
Posted by mrsbrant[/QUOTE]

That's a pretty cold way to treat people whom you considered your best friends and you and your FI  obviously thought highly enough of to ask to be your MOH and Best Man in the WP.

Your MOH doesn't need to be helping you plan your wedding - in fact, the only people responsible for planning your wedding are you and your FI. Or your wedding planner, if you hired one, since that would be his or her job that they are paid to do.

Is there the possibility that this couple - either separately or indivudually might have something in their lives they need to deal with right now? If this is unusual behavior, then I'd be more concerned about whether my friend is okay than be pissed off that she's not helping me plan my wedding.  Have you tried calling her about non-wedding related things? Same goes for your FI and his friend?
Because this sounds like a friend issue first and not a case of them being bad MOH and Best Man...

Giving them the "boot" would definately be a friendship ending move. So if you don't want to end up looking like total jerks here, then I suggest you both reach out to your friends and be a little more understanding. People have things come up in their lives and your wedding is not #1 priority for other people when they might be dealing with something related to their health, job, families, etc....the point is you dno't know since you haven't talked with either of them. But I find it troubling you'd be so quick to cut out 2 people you considered your best friends before you'd be concerned if things were okay with them.

amysmomma

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mia-moh-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:292fdd45-aae8-41ee-9c4a-de08b2d3202dPost:725bb911-e505-4f56-9fab-31f6480031a7">Re: MIA MOH and BM!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Woah I never said I am firing them so dont acuse me of that this is what peopel are telling me to do.. uh well maybe I would know what was going on in their personal life if they called or answered the phone! I am not bugging out there is B.S. I am hearing through the grape vine so sorry I turned here for advise just so I can get accused of being a psycho bridzilla
Posted by mrsbrant[/QUOTE]

You asked for advice and you got it, there's no need to get defensive.  If multiple people answered you the same way, that just goes to show you that we all understood your post to mean the same thing... so maybe it could have been worded better?

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mia-moh-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:292fdd45-aae8-41ee-9c4a-de08b2d3202dPost:725bb911-e505-4f56-9fab-31f6480031a7">Re: MIA MOH and BM!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Woah I never said I am firing them so dont acuse me of that this is what peopel are telling me to do.. uh well maybe I would know what was going on in their personal life if they called or answered the phone! I am not bugging out there is B.S. I am hearing through the grape vine so sorry I turned here for advise just so I can get accused of being a psycho bridzilla
Posted by mrsbrant[/QUOTE]

We can only respond based on what you present for us in your posts. And no one called you a "psycho bridezilla" so simmer down.

If you've tried leaving a voice mail or sending an email (both of which hopefully had nothing to do with your wedding and were more of a "Hey, I'm worried since I haven't heard from you in a few weeks - can you let me know you're okay when you have a second? I'd love to catch up and hear how you're doing" kind of message) then you need to let it go for now and wait for her to contact you.

Assume the best of your friend - that she'll be there on your wedding day. And if she isn't or the Best Man isn't or they BOTH bail, then as disappointing as that will be, your wedding will still go on. You will be married by the end of the day. And you'll know you were the bigger person for having not booted anyone and listening to the people telling you to do so and that the onus is on them - since you took the high road.

ETA - also, I would take with a grain of salt anything "heard through the grapevine" since, until you talk directly to your friend, that's all secondhand stuff anyway.

marisah83

You never know what they might have going on in their lives.  We all know weddings are stressful, but life is stressful in lots of other ways, and it is very possible that they are having to deal with something else that trumps your wedding right now.  You've got plenty of time until your wedding, so I wouldn't stress about them so much right now.  Send them an email asking how they are doing and let them know that you're concerned about not hearing from them in awhile.  Don't mention your wedding - just let them know that you'd like to hear from them.  As long as they have their clothes and  show up on the big day, you should be good.

AmoroAgain

WTH?  You deleted your response?  That's total crap.  Also, you've been quoted.  Waaay to be a smarty pants there.

KatieMacAlpine

I totally get it.  When you care about a friend enough to ask her to be your MOH you would expect her to be excited for you and want to help planning.  I think its probably more of a let down then anything. It's really hard when its a close friend gettting married and you are trying to plan her shower and bachlorette and the MOH won't even return your phone call to be part of it.  I personally would write her an email and make sure everything is ok.  Sometimes people start having money troubles an can't affor to help or be in the wedding so they get nervous and just don't respond.  Either way, sometime these things are what make your best friends better or make your relationship fall apart.  Good Luck