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Am I snubbing my cousin?

Am I snubbing my cousin if I ask her to design my invites (she's an amazing artist) but don't ask her to be in my wedding party? I only see her once a year and I love her to death, and I'd LOVE to involve her somehow to show her I love her, but will this task feel like more of a burden/snub than an act of love?

Re: Am I snubbing my cousin?

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    Are you paying her to design your invites? Or at least offering to pay her?
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    I said no, but I don't think it's "nice you're involving her" either.






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    I don't see how her doing your legwork for the invitations is nice and involving her. You should offer to pay her because I doubt she will have fun working for free as your way of atoning for not including her in the BP. These two things are not one and the same. Ill go on the record to say I hope you aren't expecting your BP to do work for you, because that's not what they're there for. It's fine to ask but don't expect them to do anything.
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    Offer to pay her for her work.  If she declines your money, that is another thing.  She may be happy to help you, but offer her payment for her work first, before assuming she will do it for free.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-snubbing-my-cousin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:29c73729-a066-419e-a470-aeb8181d12ffPost:71147dfb-7b0f-4e61-a3e3-b4f4abd46e9e">Am I snubbing my cousin?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Am I snubbing my cousin if I ask her to design my invites (she's an amazing artist) but don't ask her to be in my wedding party? I only see her once a year and I love her to death, and I'd LOVE to involve her somehow to show her I love her, but will this task feel like more of a burden/snub than an act of love?
    Posted by elizer56[/QUOTE]
    She might not be burdened by it, but it's still work. People who work should be paid. She might not accept the payment, but you should definitely be at least offer it. She might just do them as a favor to you, which is great and you don't owe her anything, like a spot in the bridal party. 
    <div><span style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;">She might be really flattered that you asked her, so I'm not saying you shouldn't ask her. I just dont' think it's the sort of involvement most people hope for, kwim?</span></div>
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    How exectly is it an "act of love" to ask someone to do something for you for free?  If you want her to do the invites, ask her if she'd be interested and offer her a reasonable payment, and invite her as a guest.


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    I agree with everyone that you need to offer to pay and if she declines, I'd give her a gift to thank her for what she is doing.
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    I agree with PP. It's fine to ask but you aren't doing her a favor by doing so. You should offer to pay her, and if she declines pay get her a thank you gifts
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    Does she want to do it? Did she offer to do it? 

    You don't need to ask her to be in the party, but I agree she should be paid for doing her work.
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    Offer to pay her. If she declines, still get her a nice gift as a thank you for doing this for you.

    Designing invitations for your wedding is work, not an honor. If you want to involve her in the wedding as an honor, have her do a reading.
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    edited January 2013
    Another option would be to have her doing the invites as an alternative to her wedding gift, maybe pay for the materials, but her time is the gift? Include a compliment, maybe hint around and say you think she's such a gifted artist, what would she do...how would she go about this... and if she offers to do them....insert the alternative to gift idea and you'll cover the cost for materials. It couldn't hurt. Maybe she wont offer to do them and then you can feel out her attitude and avoid the whole situation all together. But I dont think she'd be snubbed if she worked on the invites but wasn't in the wedding.
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    asking her to design your invitations isn't exactly involving her... if you want to involve her, why can't you ask her to do a reading at your wedding or perhaps she could make a speech at the reception..?


    are you at least offering to pay her for doing your invites?
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    No, you're not snubbing her by not asking her to be in the WP, but you do need to offer to compensate her for her services. Just because she is family doesn't mean she isn't providing you a service. She may very well decline, but you still need to offer. 
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    I work in the television industry as an editor. I love my job and what I do, but if someone asked me to put together their wedding video for free as some kind of "honor" in lieu of being a bridesmaid, there would be some hardcore eye rolling going on. It's fine to just be a guest, but getting free labor isn't an act of love. 
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    auriannaaurianna member
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    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-snubbing-my-cousin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:29c73729-a066-419e-a470-aeb8181d12ffPost:706c1abf-40c6-4351-8271-6cd8b9d5a9cf">Re: Am I snubbing my cousin?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Another option would be to have her doing the invites as an alternative to her wedding gift, maybe pay for the materials, but her time is the gift? Include a compliment, maybe hint around and say you think she's such a gifted artist, what would she do...how would she go about this... and if she offers to do them....insert the alternative to gift idea and you'll cover the cost for materials. It couldn't hurt. Maybe she wont offer to do them and then you can feel out her attitude and avoid the whole situation all together. But I dont think she'd be snubbed if she worked on the invites but wasn't in the wedding.
    Posted by rintin10[/QUOTE]

    This won't work. This would mean that she expects to get a gift from her cousin, and she can't do that.
    But if you tell your cousin you'd love to commission her to do your invites and she <em>then</em> offers to do it as her gift, that would work. You just can't tell her you want it from her as a gift.
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    I never thought of that! She's not a professional artist (she's a nutritionist) but I wouldn't mind paying her at all. She SHOULD be a pro artist!
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    Thank you so much for your advice everyone! I am so embarassed I didn't even think of the idea of offering to pay her, though I'd be more than delighted to. And if she brings up getting me a gift I will insist that the invite design counts as gift enough (though I will never bring up the gift thing- only if she does).
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-snubbing-my-cousin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:29c73729-a066-419e-a470-aeb8181d12ffPost:16040ad0-3aa3-4559-8bca-b7d9fd99772c">Re: Am I snubbing my cousin?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you so much for your advice everyone! I am so embarassed I didn't even think of the idea of offering to pay her, though I'd be more than delighted to. And if she brings up getting me a gift I will insist that the invite design counts as gift enough (though I will never bring up the gift thing- only if she does).
    Posted by elizer56[/QUOTE]
    I like this plan!
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    Yay! I bet she'll be flattered that you see her work as worth paying for. 
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