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FBIL's faux pas leading to ours?

Some of you might remember an earlier post I made about my FBIL and his fiancee getting married in the same year we are. Although this will have no real bearing on my actual question, and quick vent first. We were already aware that they will be doing a week-long wedding celebration to which we are "expected" to attend, followed by two large receptions, one where both their families live, and one in the city they currently live in together. FMIL told me over Thanksgiving that they will actually be getting married in their current city a week before their "ceremony," so the total number of PPDs is now up to three. While the etiquette certainly irks me, I am happy that she is very excited to be getting married to my FBIL, so I'm keeping my mouth shut.

Here comes the issue as it relates to me, because obviously my life is the only one I should be trying to control. We are having our wedding in our current city, which is about halfway between my family and FI's family. While we knew this would mean some relatives would not make the trip, we knew we would encounter the same issue no matter where we held the event, so we went with our personal preference. Now, FMIL wants to throw us a party in her city so that the family who will not attend the wedding will be able to celebrate with us. Since it's her family and she will be hosting and paying for it, I feel that it is not really my place to object, but I feel uneasy about it.

At first, I thought it might be a family or regional thing because of FBIL's plans, but now I don't think so. FMIL was surprised by their idea, too, but now seems to be "inspired" by it. She did say that she didn't want to host us an engagement party because that would be a faux pas, but doesn't seem to put this in the same category. So, Knotties, any thoughts? I don't want to seem gift-grubbing, but we really did only want to have one event. Should I just let her do it, or voice my objection?
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Re: FBIL's faux pas leading to ours?

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    if you only want one wedding/event, then just say so.  she cant force a party on you.  politely decline and move on.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbils-faux-pas-leading-to-ours?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:29f35736-ff82-4042-9b45-63cd7181ebcdPost:09c83b38-f68b-4a50-864d-726647d6a7e1">Re: FBIL's faux pas leading to ours?</a>:
    [QUOTE]if you only want one wedding/event, then just say so.  she cant force a party on you.  politely decline and move on.
    Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

    This.  You don't have to have an event hosted by her if you don't want one.
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    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbils-faux-pas-leading-to-ours?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:29f35736-ff82-4042-9b45-63cd7181ebcdPost:622a377c-b09c-4ffc-a44f-1629efc2c067">FBIL's faux pas leading to ours?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Some of you might remember an earlier post I made about my FBIL and his fiancee getting married in the same year we are. Although this will have no real bearing on my actual question, and quick vent first. We were already aware that they will be doing a week-long wedding celebration to which we are "expected" to attend, followed by two large receptions, one where both their families live, and one in the city they currently live in together. FMIL told me over Thanksgiving that they will actually be getting married in their current city a week before their "ceremony," so the total number of PPDs is now up to three. While the etiquette certainly irks me, I am happy that she is very excited to be getting married to my FBIL, so I'm keeping my mouth shut. Here comes the issue as it relates to me, because obviously my life is the only one I should be trying to control. We are having our wedding in our current city, which is about halfway between my family and FI's family. While we knew this would mean some relatives would not make the trip, we knew we would encounter the same issue no matter where we held the event, so we went with our personal preference. <strong>Now, FMIL wants to throw us a party in her city so that the family who will not attend the wedding will be able to celebrate with us. Since it's her family and she will be hosting and paying for it, I feel that it is not really my place to object, but I feel uneasy about it</strong>. At first, I thought it might be a family or regional thing because of FBIL's plans, but now I don't think so. FMIL was surprised by their idea, too, but now seems to be "inspired" by it. She did say that she didn't want to host us an engagement party because that would be a faux pas, but doesn't seem to put this in the same category. So, Knotties, any thoughts? I don't want to seem gift-grubbing, but we really did only want to have one event. Should I just let her do it, or voice my objection?
    Posted by RWolff[/QUOTE]

    I think your gut instinct is correct. This probably isn't a good idea. I'm sure some of the relatives in your FMIL's city will be planning to travel to your wedding, so they'd be invited to TWO parties? Crazy.

    I get the second party/reception thing when couples have relatives in a different <em>country</em> but when it's just a state or two away, it doesn't really make any sense.</div>
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    It's not a against etiquette as long as it's kept to just a party, and not turned into a PPD. No wedding recreations or poofy white dress or pretending it's the wedding day. Just a really nice family gettogether. Nothing wrong with that.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

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    I think it all depends on how the second party is presented. If, after you guys get back from your honeymoon, FMIL wants to throw a "come meet the newlyweds" party, where you and H show up in nice, non wedding party clothes and there are no weddingish details like a first dance or parent dances, that's fine. I think it gets dicey only if you guys or FMIL try to turn it into a full on wedding reception. With that said, if the idea of any pay at all makes you uncomfortable, it's fine to turn down the offer.
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    Yeah you can't really stop your FMIL from throwing a party - in that sense you're correct; it's not your place to object.  What you can object to (and have every right to) is your involvement.  If she just wants you to attend as guests and maybe bring some wedding photos I'd say that's fine.  If she wants to you come in your wedding dress and re-create things like the cake cutting, first dance, etc. that's when you say "I'm sorry, we're not comfortable with that and won't be doing it". 

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    Sorry, realized I wasn't totally clear. FMIL wants it to be a mini re-do, which is why it makes me uncomfortable. Since she wasn't making plans or anything, I said something non-commital about not needing two weddings, which almost led to an argument about what I thought of FBIL's wedding, but FI helped me avoid that with a very bean-dip-like approach.

    FI is annoyed by his brother's entire wedding entitlement, and has been vocal about it. Whatever we decide, we know that he will be the one telling his mom, since it is his mom and not mine. However, he doesn't buy into a lot of the etiquette things that I think are important, though he does attempt to understand and support things that I do find important. To him, this is more just his mom wanting to have her family involved, which he has said (to her as well as privately) is ridiculous since everyone is invited to the wedding. 

    Maybe some polite ways of declining, or of making it clear that it should not be a second wedding would be helpful. It's a bit sticky because I do not want to insult FBIL's plans, even if in my head I can't believe she's buying three different white dresses and making the guys wear fuscia...
    Anniversary
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    He might say something like, "Thanks for your offer, but we've decided not to have another wedding-related event."
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    That is tough because most of what I'm thinking as ways to shut it down for good would undoubtedly come off as insulting to your FBIL....  Perhaps don't try to justify it?  Just have FI tell her in no uncertain terms that you want one solitary wedding day and if she plans any kind of re-creation you will not be in attendance.   If she sarts to drag your opinions on FBIL's plans into it re-direct "Mom, we're not talking about brother, we're talking about us.  And we don't want a second wedding/reception/party/event"

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    Yeah. FI will just need to say "Mom, RWolff and I so appreciate your thoughtfulness in offering a second wedding reception, but we're only planning to have one day to celebrate our wedding."
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    mcda04mcda04 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited November 2012

    She can always host a celebration, it doesn’t mean you have to treat it as a “wedding” and wear a bridal gown or have attendants, first dance, garter toss, father/daughter dance etc., she can always have a backyard bbq event where you and H are the celebrated ones, if you don’t register for gifts, it’s not gift grabby at all. 


    Oops, responded before seeing your update. :)

    Tell your MIL that you're saying your vows once, therefore you're having ONE wedding, not many re-do's. If her family cannot make it, then she'll have to accept that. If she's still not understanding, point her to TK. :)


    G.L.

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    Your FI should just say his piece, whether it's "thanks but no thanks, we only want one wedding day," or "thanks, we're happy to be there as long as it doesn't turn into a wedding redo." If FMIL gets up in arms about how he's insulting his brother, the only response needed is "Mom, this is about what my future wife and I want for us, and has nothing to do with what Bro is or isn't doing. How we choose to live our lives is NOT a commentary on his, and that's all there is to it."
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    Thanks everyone! I'm hoping that some of these suggestions will work. She mentioned that it would be a great opportunity for me to get a "little white dress" and get more pictures with (then)DH all dressed up, so I think she's really leaning toward a reception type thing.

    Do you think telling her that after all the excitement of the large wedding, we would love to spend more casual, intimate time with her family would work? Maybe if she feels that her event would be a separate, special thing, it wouldn't come off as a rejection of her or her family.

    In regards to the gifts, how long is usual to leave up a registry? I was under the impression that guests have about a year to give a gift, so it's proper to leave it up. To be honest, we don't really care about getting gifts, but we didn't object to the registry, so we went with it when family on both sides expressed a desire to have gift guidance. If this party does happen, should I just take down the registries so that it isn't an issue, as mcda suggested?

    Again, thanks. I know we're a ways away from it, but the holiday season means more family :)
    Anniversary
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    Tell FMIL that you aren't interested in re-doing everything, but you could offer to play the video of the ceremony at the celebration party.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbils-faux-pas-leading-to-ours?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:29f35736-ff82-4042-9b45-63cd7181ebcdPost:9991a647-ab18-4380-9855-9ed6dbec65d5">Re: FBIL's faux pas leading to ours?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks everyone! I'm hoping that some of these suggestions will work. <strong>She mentioned that it would be a great opportunity for me to get a "little white dress" and get more pictures with (then)DH all dressed up, so I think she's really leaning toward a reception type thing. Do you think telling her that after all the excitement of the large wedding, we would love to spend more casual, intimate time with her family would work?</strong> Maybe if she feels that her event would be a separate, special thing, it wouldn't come off as a rejection of her or her family. In regards to the gifts, how long is usual to leave up a registry? I was under the impression that guests have about a year to give a gift, so it's proper to leave it up. To be honest, we don't really care about getting gifts, but we didn't object to the registry, so we went with it when family on both sides expressed a desire to have gift guidance. If this party does happen, should I just take down the registries so that it isn't an issue, as mcda suggested? Again, thanks. I know we're a ways away from it, but the holiday season means more family :)
    Posted by RWolff[/QUOTE]

    Honestly, you can't leave the window open even a crack on this issue. Either you want a party, or you don't. From what you've said, it seems like MIL will go all-out regardless of your wishes if you accept the party.

    I understand the concept of "making nice" with the MIL, but stand up for what works for you.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbils-faux-pas-leading-to-ours?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:29f35736-ff82-4042-9b45-63cd7181ebcdPost:69f3dcef-8b0f-4e47-bdc2-f316e6aa4f3b">Re:FBIL's faux pas leading to ours?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not a against etiquette as long as it's kept to just a party, and not turned into a PPD. No wedding recreations or poofy white dress or pretending it's the wedding day. Just a really nice family gettogether. Nothing wrong with that.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with this!</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbils-faux-pas-leading-to-ours?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:29f35736-ff82-4042-9b45-63cd7181ebcdPost:9991a647-ab18-4380-9855-9ed6dbec65d5">Re: FBIL's faux pas leading to ours?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks everyone! I'm hoping that some of these suggestions will work. She mentioned that it would be a great opportunity for me to get a "little white dress" and get more pictures with (then)DH all dressed up, so I think she's really leaning toward a reception type thing. <strong>Do you think telling her that after all the excitement of the large wedding, we would love to spend more casual, intimate time with her family would work?</strong> Maybe if she feels that her event would be a separate, special thing, it wouldn't come off as a rejection of her or her family. In regards to the gifts, how long is usual to leave up a registry? I was under the impression that guests have about a year to give a gift, so it's proper to leave it up. To be honest, we don't really care about getting gifts, but we didn't object to the registry, so we went with it when family on both sides expressed a desire to have gift guidance. If this party does happen, should I just take down the registries so that it isn't an issue, as mcda suggested? Again, thanks. I know we're a ways away from it, but the holiday season means more family :)
    Posted by RWolff[/QUOTE]

    Based on what you've posted, like her desire for you to wear a white dress, no, it wouldn't work.

    I think that if you really don't want it to happen, you and your FI together need to stand firm and make clear that you are not willing to have this party.  No "making nice" with her because she is not going to leave it alone.
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    Thanks for the advice, ladies. It was my instinct that I needed to just politely say no, but I guess I was hoping to play nice and find a way to make it just a party rather than a reception. Here I go, standing firm! ...but not bringing it up until she does hahaha.
    Anniversary
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbils-faux-pas-leading-to-ours?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:29f35736-ff82-4042-9b45-63cd7181ebcdPost:9991a647-ab18-4380-9855-9ed6dbec65d5">Re: FBIL's faux pas leading to ours?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks everyone! I'm hoping that some of these suggestions will work. She mentioned that it would be a great opportunity for me to get a "little white dress" and get more pictures with (then)DH all dressed up, so I think she's really leaning toward a reception type thing. Do you think telling her that after all the excitement of the large wedding, we would love to spend more casual, intimate time with her family would work? Maybe if she feels that her event would be a separate, special thing, it wouldn't come off as a rejection of her or her family. In regards to the gifts, how long is usual to leave up a registry? I was under the impression that guests have about a year to give a gift, so it's proper to leave it up. To be honest, we don't really care about getting gifts, but we didn't object to the registry, so we went with it when family on both sides expressed a desire to have gift guidance. If this party does happen, should I just take down the registries so that it isn't an issue, as mcda suggested? Again, thanks. I know we're a ways away from it, but the holiday season means more family :)
    Posted by RWolff[/QUOTE]

    Just don't mention your registry is still open, i wouldn't take it down just in case some wedding guests didn't purchase anything and want to later on. It's typically left open for OOT guests that couldn't make it but since you're having the party afterwards, they might just give a gift there. I think as long as you don't put the registry cards in the invites, you'll be ok.

    I think others have given great suggestions, have your video and pro pics at the party for everyone to see and wear a pretty cocktail dress. nothing wrong with your cocktail dress being white. I think your MIL just wants pictures of you and H with her family and since they can't make it to the wedding, so she wants the marriage celebration to be "nice" the party doesn't have to be a mini re-do, as long as you don't wear a bridal gown or have wedding traditions, it's ok.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbils-faux-pas-leading-to-ours?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:29f35736-ff82-4042-9b45-63cd7181ebcdPost:6d216837-2276-46a1-813a-a50c0e5434f9">Re: FBIL's faux pas leading to ours?</a>:
    [QUOTE]He might say something like, "Thanks for your offer, but we've decided not to have another wedding-related event."
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    Perfect!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbils-faux-pas-leading-to-ours?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:29f35736-ff82-4042-9b45-63cd7181ebcdPost:10483b05-7348-4af4-b48e-3d86bb13ef87">Re: FBIL's faux pas leading to ours?</a>:
    [QUOTE]There is nothing wrong with your FMIL throwing you a party AFTER you wedding and honeymoon.  This is not related to your wedding.  She wants to show you off to her friends and relatives.  Bring your wedding pictures and honeymoon videos to show.  Don't wear your wedding dress.  Thank FMIL for being so thoughtful. Gifts are not expected at this kind of party.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    <div>I would agree, since this is what I thought she originally wanted. But statements like "it will give you a chance to wear another white dress" and "this way my family can give you presents" lead me to believe that this is not the vision she has for the event.</div><div>
    </div><div>FI and I have decided that we agree with her desire to have us celebrate with her family, especially older relatives who cannot travel, and that her offer is very generous. We will accept on the condition that it is just a party, not another reception, and if it becomes that, we will have to cancel. FI is confident that his mom will understand, and that him wanted to do the opposite of his brother is nothing new, so she will not be offended.</div>
    Anniversary
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    My FMIL wanted the same thing. And major concern before I knew it was a nono regardless is that it might make his family guest decide not come to THE wedding and just come to the local one. Which turns it into a hisher event. : Since FI is also on the same page, just have him decline. It will be fine :. GL and have fun at FBILs weddingfest ;
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