How to un-ask...? (long)

karialex

I have 4 bridesmaids and I love each of them. 

My fiance has asked members of his family to be his groomsmen including my little brother. 

I just found out that my brother, who JUST turned 18, will be in bootcamp for the Navy during my wedding. I am incredibly bummed that my brother will no longer be able to be apart of the wedding.

I know that it doesn't really matter if I have 4 people standing up for me and FI has 3, but for asthetic reasons, I'd really rather have them be equal. If you knew me, you'd understand my need for equality!

I decided that I would ask my old roommate to stand down, partly because in January she talked to me about being unable to afford being a bridesmaid. I told her that she shouldn't worry too much since the majority of her expenses won't come until after she graduates college this May and I will be paying $100 per girl out of my pocket to go towards the down payment on their dresses, leaving only like $20-30 for them when we order dresses in April. 

Now that my brother can no longer be apart of the wedding, it'd be easier to ask her to stand down because of her financial concerns, I have known her for a shorter time than the other 3, and now that she and I are no longer roommates (as of February) we haven't really even been talking - which I find very disappointing. 

How can I best un-ask her to be a bridesmaid? I would like to note that I live about an hour away now, and I don't know when I'll see her again before I get the girls together for ordering their dresses mid-late April. 

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:920c84c6-5bbb-4008-8ade-762b2b954378">How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 4 bridesmaids and I love each of them.  My fiance has asked members of his family to be his groomsmen including my little brother.  I just found out that my brother, who JUST turned 18, will be in bootcamp for the Navy during my wedding. I am incredibly bummed that my brother will no longer be able to be apart of the wedding. I know that it doesn't really matter if I have 4 people standing up for me and FI has 3, but for asthetic reasons, I'd really rather have them be equal. If you knew me, you'd understand my need for equality! I decided that I would ask my old roommate to stand down, partly because in January she talked to me about being unable to afford being a bridesmaid. I told her that she shouldn't worry too much since the majority of her expenses won't come until after she graduates college this May and I will be paying $100 per girl out of my pocket to go towards the down payment on their dresses, leaving only like $20-30 for them when we order dresses in April.  Now that my brother can no longer be apart of the wedding, it'd be easier to ask her to stand down because of her financial concerns, I have known her for a shorter time than the other 3, and now that she and I are no longer roommates (as of February) we haven't really even been talking - which I find very disappointing.  How can I best un-ask her to be a bridesmaid? I would like to note that I live about an hour away now, and I don't know when I'll see her again before I get the girls together for ordering their dresses mid-late April. 
Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]

That is UTTER bullshit.  You ask people to stand up with you because you love them and want them there-- not to make sides even!

I also love how you try to justify your insane rudeness by coming up with lameass excuses as to WHY ELSE you could get rid of her, instead of just saying, "I'm a terrible person who wants even sides"

btrflykate1230

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:920c84c6-5bbb-4008-8ade-762b2b954378">How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 4 bridesmaids and I love each of them.  My fiance has asked members of his family to be his groomsmen including my little brother.  I just found out that my brother, who JUST turned 18, will be in bootcamp for the Navy during my wedding. I am incredibly bummed that my brother will no longer be able to be apart of the wedding. I know that it doesn't really matter if I have 4 people standing up for me and FI has 3, but for asthetic reasons, I'd really rather have them be equal. If you knew me, you'd understand my need for equality! I decided that I would ask my old roommate to stand down, partly because in January she talked to me about being unable to afford being a bridesmaid. I told her that she shouldn't worry too much since the majority of her expenses won't come until after she graduates college this May and I will be paying $100 per girl out of my pocket to go towards the down payment on their dresses, leaving only like $20-30 for them when we order dresses in April.  Now that my brother can no longer be apart of the wedding, it'd be easier to ask her to stand down because of her financial concerns, I have known her for a shorter time than the other 3, and now that she and I are no longer roommates (as of February) we haven't really even been talking - which I find very disappointing.  How can I best un-ask her to be a bridesmaid? I would like to note that I live about an hour away now, and I don't know when I'll see her again before I get the girls together for ordering their dresses mid-late April. 
Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]<div> </div><div>You REALLY should just suck it up and keep her as your BM.</div><div>
</div>

mrsamyjones

For real? this is just wrong.

nda_roxybabe

I wouldn't do it. I think it would hurt her feelings.

ThePinkSuperhero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:920c84c6-5bbb-4008-8ade-762b2b954378">How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 4 bridesmaids and I love each of them.  My fiance has asked members of his family to be his groomsmen including my little brother.  I just found out that my brother, who JUST turned 18, will be in bootcamp for the Navy during my wedding. I am incredibly bummed that my brother will no longer be able to be apart of the wedding. I know that it doesn't really matter if I have 4 people standing up for me and FI has 3, but for asthetic reasons, I'd really rather have them be equal. If you knew me, you'd understand my need for equality! I decided that I would ask my old roommate to stand down, partly because in January she talked to me about being unable to afford being a bridesmaid. I told her that she shouldn't worry too much since the majority of her expenses won't come until after she graduates college this May and I will be paying $100 per girl out of my pocket to go towards the down payment on their dresses, leaving only like $20-30 for them when we order dresses in April.  Now that my brother can no longer be apart of the wedding, it'd be easier to ask her to stand down because of her financial concerns, I have known her for a shorter time than the other 3, and now that she and I are no longer roommates (as of February) we haven't really even been talking - which I find very disappointing.  How can I best un-ask her to be a bridesmaid? I would like to note that I live about an hour away now, and I don't know when I'll see her again before I get the girls together for ordering their dresses mid-late April. 
Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]

Justify it all you want, what you want to do is awful and you shouldn't do it.

Stackeye210

I'd unask myself if I were your BM.  You're a B*TCH.

amagwire

This is nuts.  You can't unask because your wedding party will be uneven.  If you're so concerned about having an even wedding party just have your fiance ask someone else to be a groomsman.  

jasmineh7777

You should not "un-ask" her. That is hurtful and really not necessary. Even sides are not at all needed. Really, there is no tactful way to tell someone that their friendship is not as important to you as symmetry.

ThePinkSuperhero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:dc777906-d3ea-47e5-a8ba-ad7b29027ae3">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]This is nuts.  You can't unask because your wedding party will be uneven.  If you're so concerned about having an even wedding party <strong>just have your fiance ask someone else to be a groomsman. </strong> 
Posted by amagwire[/QUOTE]

See?  That's very good advice.

jajph1974

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:17f474fe-31ac-432b-8b06-ee66f0beed7a">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd unask myself if I were your BM.  You're a B*TCH.
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

Haha. I had a very similar thought

september's bride

You're really not doing her a favour by un-asking her. You're doing yourself a favour to satisfy a weird quirk. I like things to be balanced as well, but had uneven sides due to circumstances beyond my control. Note, if you will, that I say that I had uneven sides. I didn't ask anyone to drop out.

MyNameIsNot

Just call her and explain that even numbers are more important to you than she is.  

Better for her to see what kind of person you really are before she invests any more time and energy on a friendship.  You probably owe it to the rest of your friends to let them know what you are doing.  They all deserve to know how little you value human beings.

opalsky007

Come on, guys. Symmetry is important. That's why I had two girls with big T's and two girls with big A's.

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:b7262ec4-3489-4fb0-a432-9b3444ec07ce">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Come on, guys. Symmetry is important. That's why I had two girls with big T's and two girls with big A's.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:b7262ec4-3489-4fb0-a432-9b3444ec07ce">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Come on, guys. Symmetry is important. That's why I had two girls with big T's and two girls with big A's.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

Why have I never thought of this?!

karialex

Okay... wow. 

I am sorry that I insulted some of you by wanting to ask my old roommate to stand down. My friend was right... you shouldn't ask people for advice unless they know you and the other person in the situation.

Thank you for your comments, no matter how hurtful.

september's bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:b7262ec4-3489-4fb0-a432-9b3444ec07ce">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Come on, guys. Symmetry is important. That's why I had two girls with big T's and two girls with big A's.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

I didn't get that symmetry right either. Wedding party fail. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cry.gif" border="0" alt="Cry" title="Cry" />

mrsamyjones

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:1ff4d3ac-0695-4f2b-990b-750f0b66b050">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay... wow.  I am sorry that I insulted some of you by wanting to ask my old roommate to stand down. My friend was right... you shouldn't ask people for advice unless they know you and the other person in the situation. Thank you for your comments, no matter how hurtful.
Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]


Um, we're not being hurtful. We're trying to stop you from hurting your friend. Get it?

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:1ff4d3ac-0695-4f2b-990b-750f0b66b050">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay... wow.  I am sorry that I insulted some of you by wanting to ask my old roommate to stand down. My friend was right... you shouldn't ask people for advice unless they know you and the other person in the situation. Thank you for your comments, no matter how hurtful.
Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]

How hurtful?  Really?  You're unasking someone to be a BM, basically telling them that even sides is more important then your friendship - how much more hurtful can you get? 

btrflykate1230

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:1ff4d3ac-0695-4f2b-990b-750f0b66b050">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay... wow.  I am sorry that I insulted some of you by wanting to ask my old roommate to stand down. My friend was right... you shouldn't ask people for advice unless they know you and the other person in the situation. Thank you for your comments, no matter how hurtful.
Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]

<div>We're just trying to protect you from looking like a bridezilla. Whoops. Our bad. Go ahead and be bitch to your old roommate. No skin off my back!</div>

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:1ff4d3ac-0695-4f2b-990b-750f0b66b050">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay... wow.  I am sorry that I insulted some of you by wanting to ask my old roommate to stand down. My friend was right... you shouldn't ask people for advice unless they know you and the other person in the situation. Thank you for your comments, no matter how hurtful.
Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]

Oh my God.  Seriously?  Go ahead, ask your BM/friend to not be in the wedding.  Then come back here and tell us how that works out for your friendship.

Idiot.

Brie2010

Aside from the obvious issues of hosebeastery, you do know there's another way to get even sides?  Have your FI ask someone else? 

4-1=3
3+1=4

!!!!

Still kinda tacky, but better than "un-asking" someone.

september's bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:1ff4d3ac-0695-4f2b-990b-750f0b66b050">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay... wow.  I am sorry that I insulted some of you by wanting to ask my old roommate to stand down. My friend was right... you shouldn't ask people for advice unless they know you and the other person in the situation. Thank you for your comments, no matter how hurtful.
Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]

This is the problem with bad etiquette. People <em>in</em> the situation can't be objective about the situation and will encourage bad or hurtful behaviour because "other people just don't understaaaand!!" People outside of your situation can look at it objectively without worrying about feelings and advise you on what you should do. Take a step back and realize how lame you're being to your friend.

jajph1974

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:1ff4d3ac-0695-4f2b-990b-750f0b66b050">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay... wow.  I am sorry that I insulted some of you by wanting to ask my old roommate to stand down. My friend was right... you shouldn't ask people for advice unless they know you and the other person in the situation. Thank you for your comments, no matter how hurtful.
Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]


I don't think any of us were insulted. However, we ARE trying to have you avoid insulting your friend.

How would you feel if someone did that to you?

mwhitson14

I would be seriously hurt if I was your BM and you asked me to step down, for whatever reasons. Even if you say financial reasons to her, what will you do if she insists on paying all the costs? How will you cite financial issues then? There's really no way to do this politely. You also say y'all haven't really been talking since February. You realize that was only like 2 weeks ago, right? I sometimes go a whole week without talking to my best friend, because we both have our own lives to live. Could you try to rekindle the friendship? Make plans to hang out and not discuss the wedding?

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:1ff4d3ac-0695-4f2b-990b-750f0b66b050">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay... wow.  I am sorry that I insulted some of you by wanting to ask my old roommate to stand down. <strong>My friend was right... you shouldn't ask people for advice unless they know you and the other person in the situation.</strong> Thank you for your comments, no matter how hurtful.
Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]

See, here's the thing. We KNOW the situation, because 123543463423 brides come on here per week and ask the same thing, and every single one of them has a unique, special situation that makes it "okay" to hurt someone they're close to.

As for the symmetry issue. You are wearing white, and your FI is, I assume, wearing the same thing or something similar to the GM. So if you have you in the middle, 4 girls in dresses on one side, 4 guys in tuxes (3 GM plus FI) on the other side, it's PERFECTLY SYMMETRIC. "Even numbers" wind up looking lopsided, not that it matters one.freaking.bit.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:1ff4d3ac-0695-4f2b-990b-750f0b66b050">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay... wow.  I am sorry that I insulted some of you by wanting to ask my old roommate to stand down. My friend was right... you shouldn't ask people for advice unless they know you and the other person in the situation. Thank you for your comments, no matter how hurtful.
Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]

<div>Really?  You are hurt by this, but you would consider kicking someone out of your wedding over symmetry?</div><div>
</div><div>No one needs to know you to know that a person who would treat a "friend" this way is just an awful person.  </div>

nda_roxybabe

I'll never understand why posters assume that they have "insulted" me just because I told them how wrong they were. Nope, sorry, not insulted.

karialex

okay, seriously. This is getting obsurd. These personal attacks are completely unnecessary. If you don't agree with me, you don't need to reply. Or if you don't agree with me, you can simply say, "don't do it". There is no reason to call me a b*tch, or say that I'm a horrible person. You don't know me and if you did you wouldn't say that. So, can we please just drop this thread. I never realized how rude strangers can be. 

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-ask-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2a18a5d4-7128-41a3-9e27-8edcc757aff8Post:6081b927-6c83-426b-996d-219f0b3df59c">Re: How to un-ask...? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]okay, seriously. This is getting obsurd. These personal attacks are completely unnecessary. If you don't agree with me, you don't need to reply. Or if you don't agree with me, you can simply say, "don't do it". There is no reason to call me a b*tch, or say that I'm a horrible person. You don't know me and if you did you wouldn't say that. So, can we please just drop this thread. <strong>I never realized how rude strangers can be. 
</strong>Posted by karialex[/QUOTE]

The rudest people I've met are typically strangers.

Don't do it.

See, thats not going to change your opinion though is it?