do I interfere with parents financials?

freckled1013

So my family is very small and my fiance's family is enormous - like My Big Fat Greek Wedding huge. His parents had agreed to split the wedding with mine because of their majority, and there was the assumption that if it was imbalanced then it would be "proportional" to the number of guests each side invited. That was when the guest list was at 175 people, now it's at 270. Now his parents are arguing that my fiance's non-family invites should be included in my list because he's "mine" now. My father can't really afford to pay an extra 10k for an extra 100 guests. His family has done 90% of the planning since I'm in grad school and they're the majority, and it's at about $100-125/head. They can't afford it either and I don't know why they let the list get this long to begin with.

I've been snappy about about it because I get lectured about covered chairs being a luxury when those extra 10 people they added would have paid for it. I've let it for for my sake, but do I get involved or do I just let our parents work it out? I don't want my dad to be surprised by this in a few months when they ask him for a check and it's 10000 more than they discussed.

AdeleDazeem

Well this sounds like a hot mess.

I do believe that a budget needs to be set that both parents are cool with paying and then the guest list must fit inside that budget.  You're going about things backwards and it's causing problems (shocking).

HockeyFan4

yes, you need to step in.  You cannot be passive about this.  I would see if you, your FI and both parents could sit down to discuss things.

J&K10910

This is so much of a disaster that I truly don't know where to start.

Budget should have been discussed and figured out right away.  Then a guest list should have been figured out--and venues (and prices!) chosen based on that.

I think they need to stick to the original plan at this point.  I think you should just tell them that your parents are unable to contribute the extra money and you guys need to figure out a set budget and a way to make it work within that budget.

Winnertag1

Everyone needs to sit down and discuss how much each family can afford to pay. 

I think your FILs are being ridiculous by demanding your parents pay, if they want to invite hundreds of people they should be willing to fork it over, or else they cut their list down. No one should be forced to pay more than they can/want to. 

rsaleh84

If I were in your shoes, I would let my FI hande talking to his parents before having both sets of parents talk it out.  Maye if he explains it to them himself, they will listen to him, since he is their son, and reduce the number of guests.

Also, I think before you guys start shelling out money, you should sit down with both sets of parents, either togethe or seperately, and figure out exactly what they can contribute.  That way you have a set budget from both sides, and you can plan and manage accordingly. 

My FI's family is definitely the majority in our wedding.  Although his parents would have loved to invite everyone they have an inkling of relation to, we stood our ground as a couple and told them what we wanted as far as guest list size.  If his parents are not paying fully for the wedding, they do not have the right to dictate how the wedding is paid for or how its planned.

QueerFemme

I would absolutely get involved at this point.  I would talk to your parents, find out the max they can contribute and then talk to FILs and tell them that number and explain the guest list needs to be cut back significantly.

This isn't the way it should have been handled, but I'm guessing you already know that.

kmmssg

I've paid for 3 daughters' weddings so far.  Yes you need to get involved!!!

first, you sit down with yours and he needs to sit down and talk to his.  THEN, you guys need  to all sit down together and get this hashed out.  This needs to be done immediately.  That extra money is NOT your dad's responsibility.

Loopyseven

I agree this needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.  If the people in question are friends of yours and your FI's can you pay for them to make up the difference?

freckled1013

thanks for all of the responses, they all pretty much validate my frustrations. I've been arguing coming up with a budget BEFORE all the planning since the beginning but we let our parents work it out since they are paying for the majority of it. I talked to my dad who told me not to worry about it and if they wait until the last minute to demand more money from him for a wedding that he had 0% decision making power then they are going to have to deal with him saying no. They all seem to be so confident that we picked a terrible date and enough people will decline so it will bring the numbers back down. Since I don't know more than half of the people they are inviting, they may know better, but I wouldn't take the chance if it were on my tab.

I just want to make sure that they really know how many people they're responsible for and give them a chance to make last minute cuts before we send out invitations in the next few months. I'm letting my fiance say something because I'm not supposed to know (and not comfortable talking to them) about the details of their ongoing financial issues.