Uninvolved Bridesmaid

jrp5p

I'm having 5 bridesmaids in my wedding. One of them is an old friend who, since she has already gotten married and is now expecting her third child, hasn't really kept in touch (we live in different states, so I try not to hold it against her). To be completely honest, I wasn't sure if I really wanted her in the wedding or not, but when I told her I was engaged she responded with, "That's so great! What color is my dress?"
 
Now she isn't responding to phone calls or e-mails, only the occasional text so I know she already has her dress. She also still hasn't let my shower hostess know if she's attending (next weekend in our hometown) or responded to the invitation to my bachelorette weekend next month. (This seems incredibly rude because it was sent through facebook and she's on there 24/7!) The last contact I had with her was 4 weeks ago when she found out I've already moved in with my fiance. She called to tell me we were living in sin and she didn't know if she could support that. 

What do I do? I'm beyond frustrated with her! I don't want to be mean or throw away a friendship, but I also don't want unnecessary drama on my wedding day! Help!

ootmother2

Have your shower hostess call her for a definite answer.

I honestly can't see what else you would need

lyndausvi

Honestly, I would just go with the flow and not take it too personally.  3 kids + OOT means she has a lot on her plate right now.

I had 2 BM not to anything but show up at the shower and wedding.  Didn't do anything else.  NBD.

mkrupar

She's expecting her third child, I honestly don't think I'd expect much out of her right now. I agree with OOT. Have the shower hostess call about the shower invite, and have the bachlorette hostess call about the bachlorette party.

She has her dress, she's planning on coming to the wedding. There's not much else she's supposed to do. 

kmmssg

I'm really wondering if you and FI living together isn't what is really going on here.  If she told you that you are living in sin and that she doesn't know if she can support that, I'd say it is a hot button issue for her.  

Just by virtue of having 2 kids and one on the way, she is crazy busy.  I would have the shower hostess contact her to see if she is coming.

Avion22

It's time to pick up the phone and CALL her.  No facebook, no text, no e-mail.   Have a big-girl conversation about what is going on.

FWIW, my husband's best man backed out because he thought we were living in sin since we had premarital sex (we weren't even living together!)...this coming from a guy who used to ditch plans with my husband to go to strip clubs and do drugs (guess he found Jesus in there somewhere).  Anyway, he dropped out of the wedding party, never RSVPd, and he and my husband are no longer friends.   So yeah, it sounds to me like maybe that's what's going on here.

mabapunta

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvolved-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2af9ea07-5986-40e3-871e-2d1e02d2ba4dPost:28dbf166-2625-49c6-9425-b953c51e5eba">Re: Uninvolved Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>It's time to pick up the phone and CALL her.  No facebook, no text, no e-mail.   Have a big-girl conversation about what is going on</strong>. FWIW, my husband's best man backed out because he thought we were living in sin since we had premarital sex (we weren't even living together!)...this coming from a guy who used to ditch plans with my husband to go to strip clubs and do drugs (guess he found Jesus in there somewhere).  Anyway, he dropped out of the wedding party, never RSVPd, and he and my husband are no longer friends.   So yeah, it sounds to me like maybe that's what's going on here.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

In bold - agreed! My MOH and BM live in different states, so keeping in contact can be tough -- but it's also a two-way street. Have you tried to keep in touch with her? Wedding stuff aside - just keeping up with how she's doing, giving her a bit of the limelight for the new baby? How far away does she actually live? Depending on the distance, if you have one day available, maybe you could meet halfway for lunch, a movie and coffee or something?

Maybe if you get a chance to have a good catching up conversation, any other issues will be brought up and addressed.

If not, don't stress about it. She has been given ample opportunity and time to respond to your invitations.

arendiva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvolved-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2af9ea07-5986-40e3-871e-2d1e02d2ba4dPost:36900e96-63be-40cd-915a-f365802f8a68">Uninvolved Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I She called to tell me we were living in sin and she didn't know if she could support that. 
Posted by jrp5p[/QUOTE]

This to me is a much more important issue than whether or not she plans to attend your bridal shower or bachelorette party. The #1 role of a bridal party member is to stand up for the bride and groom in support of their relationship. She doesn't support you. She judges you. Enough said. You can still try to call her (if you want to save the friendship) but I think she's made her feelings clear. She has told you that she looks down on you for your choices and lifestyle. You decide if that's the sort of friend you want standing up for you at your wedding (if she even shows).

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:Uninvolved Bridesmaid:[QUOTE]This to me is a much more important issue than whether or not she plans to attend your bridal shower or bachelorette party. The 1 role of a bridal party member is to stand up for the bride and groom in support of their relationship. She doesn't support you. She judges you. Enough said. You can still try to call her if you want to save the friendship but I think she's made her feelings clear. She has told you that she looks down on you for your choices and lifestyle. You decide if that's the sort of friend you want standing up for you at your wedding if she even shows. Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

My MOH thought we were "living in sin" for having a house together prior to marriage. She still stood up for me as my MOH and supports my marriage; she just didn't support the decision for us to live together prior to our union.

arendiva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvolved-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2af9ea07-5986-40e3-871e-2d1e02d2ba4dPost:2cfc28f5-b875-4c8a-ba8e-b696e752e2c3">Re:Uninvolved Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Uninvolved Bridesmaid: My MOH thought we were "living in sin" for having a house together prior to marriage. She still stood up for me as my MOH and supports my marriage; she just didn't support the decision for us to live together prior to our union.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

It's an incredibly judgemental thing to say to someone. It's one thing to disapprove in your head and quite another to say it to the couple. I think the fact that it was the last this the bridesmaid said 4 weeks ago before going MIA suggests that her disapproval is strong enough that she may no longer wish to be involved. It's possible that she may just be busy, and by all means the OP can call and clearify, but that's how I would interpret it.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:Uninvolved Bridesmaid:[QUOTE]It's an incredibly judgemental thing to say to someone. It's one thing to disapprove in your head and quite another to say it to the couple. I think the fact that it was the last this the bridesmaid said 4 weeks ago before going MIA suggests that her disapproval is strong enough that she may no longer wish to be involved. It's possible that she may just be busy, and by all means the OP can call and clearify, but that's how I would interpret it. Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

There's no reason for OP not to call her friend, you are correct. However, your response dripped with disdain and essentially told OP to end the relationship. I've had close friends that I've gone 2 or 3 months without talking to, including one of my BMs. And my MOH who told me that she disapproved of my choice to live with DH prior to our wedding did say it to my face... if you can't trust your friends to be open and honest with you, who can you?