Let's talk about B lists

NYCMercedes

I know B lists are extremely rude. Could the etiquette pros explain why, please?

AddieCake

Because it says, "We only want you to come if our first choice people can't make it."

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lets-talk-about-b-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2b1f5cef-c1b1-4f18-93c0-fdc6bdc13078Post:2ae20efd-1ed9-4adf-9e42-e46fe7d1dd66">Re: Let's talk about B lists</a>:
[QUOTE]Because it says, "We only want you to come if our first choice people can't make it."
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  Our "A" list has 327 people on it.  It would suck to be person #328, you know?  That's why B lists are rude.</div>

JaxInBlue

Agree with PPs.  "B List" to me says I like your pocket book (or wallet) more than I like spending time with you. 

Salsera29

I've heard conflicting advice on "b-listing" +1's for (truly) single guests. What's the official word on that? Can you invite single people without a guest and then say, "Hey you can bring someone if you'd like" if you have the spaces?

mlg78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lets-talk-about-b-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2b1f5cef-c1b1-4f18-93c0-fdc6bdc13078Post:6f112159-0827-4108-99d7-bbbf7745460c">Re: Let's talk about B lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I've heard conflicting advice on "b-listing" +1's for (truly) single guests. What's the official word on that? Can you invite single people without a guest and then say, "Hey you can bring someone if you'd like" if you have the spaces?
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]
I think this is a different situation and it's something we do plan on doing.  We only have ten truly single guests as of right now (half of which are 70+ in age so I doubt they'd bring a date) but once we start getting a few nos, I'll ask the single peeps if they'd like to bring someone.

Vandelay007

Think about how you'd feel if you knew you were on a B-list for a wedding... or ANY event for that matter. It's such an insult. 

I feel like people who do B-lists are done by narcissists who feel that they are like royalty and think people will be waiting on the edge of their seats waiting for an invite, and then jumping for joy when they get one, and those who don't will be heart broken.

If someone isn't important enough to you to put them on the main guest list, then chances are that the feeling is mutual and that person doesn't want to go as much as you don't care if they go, only now they feel obligated to at least send a gift. Everyone knows when they've been B-listed. You don't want your wedding looking like a cash grab circus do you?

 (Btw, original poster, I realize from your post you're simply asking the reasons as to why it's against etiquette and not necessarily saying you're considering doing it, so this last paragraph was more directed towards the brides who DO B-list their guests)

SB1512

B lists are rude for the above reasons and as a host B listing is a big no no.  However, I have been b listed before and still attended the wedding, so I think guests view being b listed very differently.  In my case, I had started a new job and became close with a coworker who was in the middle of wedding planning (I think when I started working with her she was about 10 weeks away from her wedding).  About 4 weeks away from her wedding date she invited me.  I wasn't super offended because we had just recently met and become friends.  however, if this had happened with someone who I had known for a while I would be offended and definitely would not attend.

Simply Fated

" I feel like people who do Blists are done by narcissists who feel that they are like royalty and think people will be waiting on the edge of their seats waiting for an invite, and then jumping for joy when they get one, and those who don't will be heart broken." That's how I picture those brides, too. For my cousin's sweet 16 she was given a choice: VFW hall with all her family and friends. Or upperscale catering hall with slightly less family and much less friends. She chose the VFW hall and got to invite everyone she wanted. Everyone was hosted very well and we had a great time. If a sixteen year old makes sacrifices to invite everyone she wants the first time around, surely an adult bride can accept the choices she makes, as well.

vsgal

  How would you feel if you got a call on 6:00 on a Friday night to go to your friend's house for dinner at 8:00 that same evening?  You get to the dinner and joke about the short notice.  She responds that Sam and Jane Smith could not come and she wanted to fill the seats.  Really, how would you feel?

A wedding is no different. 

Salsera29

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lets-talk-about-b-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2b1f5cef-c1b1-4f18-93c0-fdc6bdc13078Post:25f3d669-9b89-487d-a024-7959d17d8b3d">Re:Let's talk about B lists</a>:
[QUOTE]" I feel like people who do Blists are done by narcissists who feel that they are like royalty and think people will be waiting on the edge of their seats waiting for an invite, and then jumping for joy when they get one, and those who don't will be heart broken." That's how I picture those brides, too. For my cousin's sweet 16 she was given a choice: VFW hall with all her family and friends. Or upperscale catering hall with slightly less family and much less friends. She chose the VFW hall and got to invite everyone she wanted. Everyone was hosted very well and we had a great time.<strong> If a sixteen year old makes sacrifices to invite everyone she wants the first time around, surely an adult bride can accept the choices she makes, as well.</strong>
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>I love this!</div>

NYCMercedes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lets-talk-about-b-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2b1f5cef-c1b1-4f18-93c0-fdc6bdc13078Post:5b53f7bd-9c26-499d-a7fe-6f457d8edeb0">Re:Let's talk about B lists</a>:
[QUOTE]You really need someone to explain why it's rude to have a backup plan of people you will invite only after your first choice guests decline?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

For the newbs, Stage.

RWolff

My cousin did a version of a B-list for his wedding. Both of his parents had re-married, and family alone (I'm talking just immediate, aunts, uncles, and cousins) amounted to about 200 people. They could not afford over 200 people, even with their very smartly budgeted wedding.

They did one round of family invites 3 months out, and spread it by word of mouth that any declined invites would be extended to friends of the couple. Any declined seats were sent out 2 months out to their friends, who were aware of the limitations.

I guess I didn't think of it at the time, but this is B-listing. Just out of curiosity, does anyone have issues with this? I don't really have an opinion either way.

stantokm

Aside from B-listing dates for truly single people like salsera and mlg mentioned, my thought would be that if you get some "No" RSVPs immediately, you could consider inviting extra people--but it would still be rude.  And I'd worry that someone who RSVP'd no at first would have a change of plans and want to change their response to yes--and you'd have to tell them that their spot was filled by someone you obviously didn't like as much as them.  No, thank you.  I'll just invite who we can accomodate.

egeurts

I will fully admit that I did a small B-list at my wedding. I had been arguing with my Dad since we started planning that my great-uncles would not be invited, because if we invited some, we would have to invite all, and my grandpa is one of 16 children, and my Dad is of the opinion that everyone needed to be invited. Our space and budget did not allow for this, not to mention, we only see these people once every ten years and I don't know most of them. So naturally, I cut them from our invite list. Unfortunately, my Dad contributed a significant amount of money to the wedding- almost half, so he had a say in the guest list. This caused some friction.  

So after sending out invites and receiving about 15 declines (we invited about 200 people), I had another conversation with my Dad, I told him that we could invite some of my great-uncles. Those that lived in the state, and who he saw on a regular basis (the ones he went fishing and deer hunting with). This made him happy, seemed to solve the problem, and as far as I know, no one's feelings were hurt. 

harper0813

My parents have this idea where they would like me to invite our whole family first, 2.5 months in advance. We are inviting every living distant family member, like great uncles' widows' sisters. Our families want to honor them with an invitation and, ahem, guarantee a decline. We have a list of friends that's much smaller than out families' lists, and this list has received save the dates. However, my fianc would like to invite some coworkers and we just don't have room for them. Because they're in a different circle, would this type of B listing, if they receive invites 6 weeks before the wedding as we receive noes from family, be considered rude? My fianc is really unhappy that our families have decided these family members take precedence over his close coworkers. Right now, I've told him that we should not do this, but I'm wondering what you all think.

GoodLuckBear14

"We are inviting our nearest and dearest to our wedding.  We'll see if you count as nearest and dearest as soon as the first round of RSVPs comes back.  If anyone doesn't feel we are special enough for them to attend our special day then congratulations, you are one of our nearest and dearest. Your invitation might be arriving days before the wedding so keep checking that mailbox to see if you are a winner."