Is having a cash bar completely unacceptable???

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-cash-bar-completely-unacceptable-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c30fee2-e285-4d18-95c0-545ffca4ace1Post:d198b7cc-0177-43fe-a19a-e988148cc4e1">Re: Is having a cash bar completely unacceptable???</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually Emily it is completely and utterly SO hard for me to believe!! I really can't get over the fact why you are jumping down my throat when all I asked was a simple question!! I also said that people will drink a lot no matter if they have to pay for it or not.. there is ALWAYS that option<strong>. What planet do you live on??</strong> Dinner is a GIVEN at a wedding (or a brunch, whatever time the wedding is) BAR is NOT a given.. it's a luxury--- it's always an option but NOT 100% necessary... taking away the option of a bar because someone has to drop a $5 on a drink because you think it's rude ... is utterly ridiculous. I can't give you free beer and I don't want you to pay for a voda and tonic... if there are people like that... then don't come to my wedding.. if you don't want to be a part of our special day because you'll be offended you have to pay for a drink.. it's NOT about the DRINKS.. the cost of the DRINK, it's about a WEDDING- being with family and friends. <strong>and i will NOT have an Ipod reception- tacky</strong>.
Posted by MacFreitas7[/QUOTE]

The planet of not wanting to be killed in a drive by shooting! (please somone get that)

Really? iPod reception is tacky but a cash bar isn't? I suppose theres no sense continuing any conversation with you then.

baystateapple

Whoa, OP, slow your roll.

Your wedding isn't for another YEAR.  You do have the time to put aside the money to have an open bar for your guests. 

And there are plenty of people on this board who had an iPod instead of a DJ, who had beautiful weddings.  Personally, I'd rather go to a wedding with an iPod, than a wedding where I have to shell out to pay for my drinks -- and I don't even drink a lot to begin with.

Calumet

No one is jumping down your throat. You asked how we would feel and if we thought it was bad etiquette. People are answering that question. There is no need to get upset.

If you don't agree with our opinion, that's okay. But don't ask for opinions and get mad when they're given.

You said you couldn't afford it, people were trying to give you ways to afford it. You don't have to change anything: people commenting on your reception were pointing out reasons they would be upset, that's all.

emilyinchile

It's also not about the food. It's about the wedding, as you say. But societally, it is now considered rude to ask people to share your marriage ceremony without providing them some kind of refreshment afterward, even if that refreshment is as inexpensive as cake and punch, so to the extent that you want to be a good hostess then yes, it's about the food and drink.

I'm not saying you HAVE to host any kind of alcohol because I agree with you that it's optional and can get expensive - I'm saying that if you asked me to pay for something, I would find it offensive. There are people on here who would rather have the option of alcohol even if they had to pay for it, but I think I would rather it just be a dry wedding and understand that was all you could afford to host rather than be asked to get out my wallet when I've been invited as a guest.

THAT's the part that I think you need to understand: that, depending on what's normal in your circle, some people will find it rude that you didn't fully host everything at your reception - food, drinks, valet parking, whatever it is, your guests shouldn't be paying for it. I've had a blast at iPod receptions because the music has been good, and I would find it much more tacky to be asked to foot part of the bill for your party.

nda_roxybabe

Opal- I prefer iPod over a DJ. DJ's annoy me.

MacFreitas7

I agree that I got upset..
...even after all PP explained WHY they would get offended.. I still don't understand...

My apologies to all PP for being rude...

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-cash-bar-completely-unacceptable-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c30fee2-e285-4d18-95c0-545ffca4ace1Post:a321925f-3bf7-46bc-87d9-6719baece911">Re: Is having a cash bar completely unacceptable???</a>:
[QUOTE]Opal- I prefer iPod over a DJ. DJ's annoy me.
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

Same here. Most of my high school dances were awful, and that was all I could picture. So we rented nice speakers and made our own playlist. Aside from some logistical crap (like forgetting to cue things up at the right times), it was all good.

wadingmoose

Just a tip for the future.  If you ask for advice and/or opinions, you'll get them. 

emilyinchile

I don't understand how it is possible for you not to understand why some people are saying it's rude. That's not snark or meanness or whatever, that's just genuine confusion because I feel like people have explained it so clearly.

I get that you disagree - that's fine - but you genuinely do not understand how it might be rude to ask people to pay for anything, just the same as it would be rude if you invited them to dinner at your house and asked them to pay for something?

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Mac - people in my social circle don't find cash bars rude, which is why I have no problem with it.

I agree with you.  Dinner is a given.  But alcohol is a luxury.  Like I said before, we're providing free beer - but if you want something fancier, then you can pay.  Or have a beer.  Or, choose not to have a drink.

I've never had anyone complain to me about having to pay for a drink at a wedding.

klreese0213

OPer- is it possible to not to a "cocktail hour" and do open bar at dinner?
you said the cocktail hour is part of your package... maybe you can talk the place into offer you the open bar in replace of the cocktail hour and/or doing the open bar in replace of the cocktail hour for 1/2 price of the full bar at the recetion- ya know?
example- no cocktail hour, but have it at the reception for $2000 instead of 4000, ya see?

i have never been to a wedding without an open bar. i personally wouldn't do that to my guest.

If you're hooked on the cocktail hour, maybe a family/friend can host a cocktail hour at their home nearby and you guys can have a keg/wine/soda.

squirrly

So your venue wants $4000 for just house wine & domestic beer?  That's a ripoff.  Start negotiating, because that's crazy.  You said you're good at getting discounts - work on that.  Could you change the cocktail hour to just beer/wine being hosted and apply the savings to beer/wine for the rest of the night, and only have to fork over another $1000 or $2000? 

Also - having the cocktail hour be free but changing later is rude, because it sets a false expectation for guests, and there's really no way to make it clear ahead of time.  How embarassing for them when they walk up to the bar after dinner and want a drink, but don't have any cash on them.  Better to be consistent, if you can.

I'm really curious how many guests you have.  I guess if it's 400 people that explains the $4000, but if it's something like 150 or less, I can't fathom that price for just beer/wine. 

MacFreitas7

Thank You. "Benjamin"

I understand that I asked for advice and got it- that's what I expected.
I did not expect the terms "offended" and "rude" to be a part of the explanations though, that's what I don't understand.

I kinda see where you're coming from emily, when you compare a wedding to a party in your house... BUT what party at you're house are you throwing for 250 guests once in a lifetime?

I think a wedding is a little bit different on that note.

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-cash-bar-completely-unacceptable-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c30fee2-e285-4d18-95c0-545ffca4ace1Post:3118441d-6787-46e7-926c-1fdb9a6cf80c">Re: Is having a cash bar completely unacceptable???</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank You. :) "Benjamin" I understand that I asked for advice and got it- that's what I expected. I did not expect the terms "offended" and "rude" to be a part of the explanations though, that's what I don't understand. I kinda see where you're coming from emily, when you compare a wedding to a party in your house... <strong>BUT what party at you're house are you throwing for 250 guests once in a lifetime? I think a wedding is a little bit different on that note.</strong>
Posted by MacFreitas7[/QUOTE]

It shouldn't be any different. You are still hosting.

Goldlie11

Having a cash bar isn't proper etiquette anywhere.  However, so people are offended by it and some people are not. 

I would be offended.  I think if you are going to have a reception (party), then it should be hosted properly.  I would never invite someone over and say, "well if you what alcohol, go to the liquor store around the corner and buy some".  I would either provide it or not serve any.  

Having said that, ask your family and friends what they think of it.  

Squirrly, my venue is charging $30 pp for alcohol.  Many places charge a lot more.  I could easily see how the bill could be $4,000 with a lot of people.  

Also, OP, dinner is not a given.   Some just do cake and punch.  

emilyinchile

My apartment isn't big enough for 250 people

I understand a wedding isn't just any old party, but I don't think the "rules" are or should be different. I think that being a good host universally means providing for (and footing the bill for) your guests' comfort, whether that's inviting your friends over for dinner and TV watching or being the president and hosting heads of state at the White House or a wedding. And if you're inviting people over a mealtime, then in my mind comfort includes food and drink - not necessarily alcoholic, but something provided by you. The only real exception is potluck, but that's not you hosting so much as it is a group deciding to do a joint event.

Like I said, I know a lot of people would rather have soft drinks hosted and the option to buy alcohol, so I'm not saying that's an absolute NO. I'm just saying that it would strike me as rude that I had to pay for something at an event you/your parents were hosting (rather than seeing a drink as an optional extra like other people might and therefore being glad for the option even if I had to pay).

MrsMack10612

From a different perspective, I was MOH at a wedding that had open bar for part of the evening and cash bar for the rest - with the EXCEPTION of the WP.  We all we able to drink for free.

I've also attended many other weddings that had cash bar.  I'm not sure when this became unacceptable.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that by "hosting" a wedding, you should be paying for it all; but I've never found cash bar offensive or rude.

Honestly, I think open bar is extremely generous, but I never expect it.  I always assume cash bar, with perhaps the exception of soft drinks or beer/wine.

And if you are at a venue that allows you to bring in your own liquor, some liquor stores will allow you to buy on consignment.  You only pay for what you use and can bring unopened bottles back to the store.

We would have to do something like that at both venues we are looking at and to us it's absolutely a way to save money because we wouldn't have to have every liqueur and concoction under the sun.

MacFreitas7

I'm sorry, I looked at your pictures Emily and they are ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS!!


I understand...
i appreciate ALL of your feedback.. even those who were slightly "harsh"

It's good to know what people outside my circle, and other circles think..because not everyone is going to have the same opinion, not even at my wedding... so I've got to be prepared for it all

Thank you!!

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-cash-bar-completely-unacceptable-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c30fee2-e285-4d18-95c0-545ffca4ace1Post:8359b182-a9e5-4962-a0b5-94dba6b3c520">Re: Is having a cash bar completely unacceptable???</a>:
[QUOTE]From a different perspective, I<strong> was MOH at a wedding that had open bar for part of the evening and cash bar for the rest - with the EXCEPTION of the WP.  We all we able to drink for free.</strong> I've also attended many other weddings that had cash bar.  I'm not sure when this became unacceptable.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that by "hosting" a wedding, you should be paying for it all; but I've never found cash bar offensive or rude. Honestly, I think open bar is extremely generous, but I never expect it.  I always assume cash bar, with perhaps the exception of soft drinks or beer/wine. And if you are at a venue that allows you to bring in your own liquor, some liquor stores will allow you to buy on consignment.  You only pay for what you use and can bring unopened bottles back to the store. We would have to do something like that at both venues we are looking at and to us it's absolutely a way to save money because we wouldn't have to have every liqueur and concoction under the sun.
Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

I think thats the rudest. How crappy.

amysmomma

In my circle cash bars are the norm, and I've only ever been to one open bar.  People don't look down on it in my family/friends circle.

I don't want to get into the cash vs. open debate, however - one PP made a very good point - if you have open bar cocktail hour then it switches during dinner, THAT I would find off-putting.  When you've been ponying up to the bar for free drinks then all of a sudden *surprise* it's not free anymore... that doesn't seem so good to me.  So I think you need either one or the other.

And a lot of people mention it's the same as having parties at your house.  Every house party I've ever been to, or hosted, in my circle of friends and family has been BYOB (bring your own booze).  LOL.. I guess we're a bunch of cheap-a$$es here, but at least everyone knows what to expect.

I would do more a bit more research to see what's acceptable in your social circle of friends and family.

bellaxanthe

I going to be an advocate for the other side. In my circles/region I will say that not a single wedding in the past 10 years I've been to had a completely open bar all night long.  Even the beer/wine hosted events shifted to a cash bar after a few hours. I was never offended, and I never thought twice about it. I never compared the lavishness of the flowers or photographer to the lack of free flowing liquor either though. I was just happy to be there and to witness the event. I was happy for my friends and thought more about the vows and the families obviously happy more than anything the reception reflected. Maybe I'm a sap though. Everyone has different priorites and I think that is totally acceptable. You are trying to see to your guests comfort and offering what you reasonably can.  I see nothing wrong with that.

The 2 weddings I went to with Ipod entertainment were kinda lame. No one danced and people left pretty early. I was a BM in one and the bride kept coming around and asking me to go out and ask strangers to dance because the music the couple planned wasn't working. I wouldn't cut that out of my budget if I was having that type of reception.

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-cash-bar-completely-unacceptable-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c30fee2-e285-4d18-95c0-545ffca4ace1Post:611ada5e-8ad1-4734-bdb7-c6ee0ed869d0">Re: Is having a cash bar completely unacceptable???</a>:
[QUOTE]Having a cash bar isn't proper etiquette anywhere.  However, so people are offended by it and some people are not.  I would be offended.  I think if you are going to have a reception (party), then it should be hosted properly.  I would never invite someone over and say, "well if you what alcohol, go to the liquor store around the corner and buy some".  I would either provide it or not serve any.   Having said that, ask your family and friends what they think of it.   <strong>Squirrly, my venue is charging $30 pp for alcohol.  Many places charge a lot more.  I could easily see how the bill could be $4,000 with a lot of people. </strong>  Also, OP, dinner is not a given.   Some just do cake and punch.  
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

But, that includes liquor, right?  She's saying her price is for beer/wine, which to me is freakn' nuts for basic house wine and domestic beer.  It's apparently for 250 guests, which explains part of it, but that's still really high, to me.

mbarnhart

I'd rather have a cash bar then no bar.

ShanaFry

I personally have attended two cash bar weddings, one i didn't mind at all and at one I was completely flabbergasted! Reason being wedding A. Bride and Groom held a super small wedding and reception, they had gourmet pizzas delivered from our favorite restaurant and put BYOB on the invite, it may seem inappropriate but all of us knew exactly the type of reception we were heading into, (they also had an Ipod reception and it was awesome) Now for Wedding B. Bride and Groom had a destination wedding, aka guests are already paying alot to attend, and there was NO mention of this cash bar until after dinner and none of us had brought any money with us! So if you're going to do it there are ways but please don't let it be a surprise to your guests!!!!

emilyinchile

Thanks - my photographer is the best. And I'm glad we were able to explain a bit better. Like I said, you don't have to agree, but I think as you mention it's important to understand so that you know the possible reactions you might be dealing with.

ETA: I think iPod receptions are 100% dependent on the playlist. If the couple chooses good songs, I see no difference between an iPod (with big speakers!) and a DJ, but if the music's not right for the guests then there's no human to realize that and switch things up.

ShanaFry

maybe you need one of those vodka tonics now, don't get angry everyone is  just trying to help you see what others are going to be thinking, yikes

MacFreitas7

Shana, i think i need a dozen Vodka Tonics...  It's been a long day!

(PS I apologized!)

ShanaFry

Trust me I understand we all do. BTW have you asked his parents if they are willing to contribute anything??? Typically grooms family pays for the alcohol, just a suggestion!

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-cash-bar-completely-unacceptable-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c30fee2-e285-4d18-95c0-545ffca4ace1Post:c577a69a-b35d-451f-8b22-21365e8a0ac0">Re: Is having a cash bar completely unacceptable???</a>:
[QUOTE]Trust me I understand we all do. BTW have you asked his parents if they are willing to contribute anything??? Typically grooms family pays for the alcohol, just a suggestion!
Posted by ShanaFry[/QUOTE]

It's not polite to ask for money. I've never heard of this "tradition" either.

emilyinchile

Nononono on the asking for money plan. Asking people for money is a bad idea (yes, even ruder than a cash bar, haha) - you budget based on what you can afford unless someone else OFFERS.