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help! guest list nightmares

k, so we had decided on 100 people before counting everyone's invites, including my parents' and his parents friends. My wedding planner told me our budget is too small for inviting 100 people. So I thought we could cut down to 80.
A few days later I get the list from my FMIL, and she has 40 of her friends that she wants to invite, and her conditions are to invite all or none - problem is they will gossip with each other if some are invited and others aren't! ugh! so we either invite 0 or 40. This makes our list up to 170!!
My fiance's parents did offer to pay for their guests, although I do not think they realize how much it would be. I feel bad asking for a lot of their money, it would be almost as much as my fiance and I had decided to spend, and they are only offering it if I invite their guests. So now, I'm trying to decide if the wedding will be BIG or small. My fiance is sooo fed up already - he won't answer about any questions about how his parent's feel if I don't have their friends invited (we have a language barrier between his parents and me so I have to ask him to translate how they seem to feel as they are speaking)...My faince also doesn't care to invite his parents friends at all and wants to keep it small. In the end after writing this I think I'm worried his parents will be mad if I don't include their friends...what to do?Sorry for the long post!

Re: help! guest list nightmares

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    Your fiance needs to step up here and mediate. I would not be happy with him if I were you. You need to figure out what is more important to YOU TWO - having the small wedding you envision, or not creating family waves.

    If they are paying, and it would make them happy, I personally would invite them providing you have enough room at the ceremony and reception venue.
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    If they're aren't helping to pay, then I would tell them no. Tell him the venue is too small and your budget is tight, so sorry, but it just isn't possible.


    problem is they will gossip with each other if some are invited and others aren't! ugh!

    Also, I would not worry about this.. that should not be effecting your decision at all.
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    bbyckesbbyckes member
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited January 2010
    problem is they will gossip with each other if some are invited and others aren't!

    Who gives a crap if they gossip or not?  If you don't have the room, you just don't have the room. Invite zero of your mom's friends.

    If his parents want those people there, they will pay the money.  Don't feel bad.  Maybe when they realize exactly what the cost will be, they may cut down on their list.

    This really shouldn't be this much of an issue.  Figure out how many guests you can invite with your budget.  Invite those you want to attend.  If others want to invite more people, then let them pay for them.  Problems solved.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-nightmares?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2cfc03a3-2146-440e-b7d1-95967cfaa28bPost:59a51e37-ee1b-4a50-8d72-2e7b7ea9e07e">help! guest list nightmares</a>:
    [QUOTE]k, so we had decided on 100 people before counting everyone's invites, including my parents' and his parents friends. My wedding planner told me our budget is too small for inviting 100 people. So I thought we could cut down to 80. A few days later I get the list from my FMIL, and she has 40 of her friends that she wants to invite, and her conditions are to invite all or none - problem is they will gossip with each other if some are invited and others aren't! ugh! so we either invite 0 or 40. This makes our list up to 170!! My fiance's parents did offer to pay for their guests, although I do not think they realize how much it would be. I feel bad asking for a lot of their money, it would be almost as much as my fiance and I had decided to spend, and they are only offering it if I invite their guests. So now, I'm trying to decide if the wedding will be BIG or small. My fiance is sooo fed up already - he won't answer about any questions about how his parent's feel if I don't have their friends invited (we have a language barrier between his parents and me so I have to ask him to translate how they seem to feel as they are speaking)...My faince also doesn't care to invite his parents friends at all and wants to keep it small. In the end after writing this I think I'm worried his parents will be mad if I don't include their friends...what to do?Sorry for the long post!
    Posted by SaraQ81[/QUOTE]
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    Option 1 - hold firm and say that you're paying and keeping it at the original guest count.

    Option 2 - if you include the extra guests to keep the peace, sure accept the IL's money as long as it doesn't come with additional strings.

    However, if you decide to include the extra guests on his side, will that create problems with your family because your parents can't have all their friends? It may also make your parents feel really bad if they can't afford to pay for their extra guests. Just something to consider in case.
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    To me the choice is relatively clear.  

    Invite them all, and your FILs will pay, and you shouldn't feel guilty about the cost if they're volunteering to pay for their guests.  If you tell them the amount and they can't manage that, then they'll have to cut their number and invite some of them, or they'll scrap them all if they're really serious about the all or none thing. 

    Or, invite none, and you won't have to ask for their money or have a bunch of people you don't want there.   
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    The groom's parents actually have it pretty easy when turning down guests. They can use the excuse that in traditional american culture, the bride's side allocates the invites. So just stand your ground, or more aptly, have your FI stand firm for both of you.
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    Honestly, I would just go with the not inviting any of the friends. You keep saying you want it small, so have a small wedding. Don't invite the extra 40 people.
    image Married and Junk.
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    It is your FI's parents, and he does not seem to want to invite the friends, so don't. Remember the cost of more guests is more than just the per person plate at the reception- it is more favors, more invites/stationary, etc, more work for you!

    Have your small wedding and enjoy it, with guests that YOU actually know!
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    Tell your fi to man up and answer your questions so you can make a fair decision. If you decide to invite the friends, let the parents know before hand how much per person and get the money up front. Don't feel guilty about it either. Also, make sure they know they are just covering the cost per plate and that you will still be planning according to your own taste.
    Are your parents inviting and paying for their own guests? The best way would be to treat both sides equally.
                       
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    Your FI should be helping you with this.  After all you are a team.  Well does your venue take the 170?  If not, then don't invite any of the 40.  If it does and your FFILs offer to pay, get the check and then invite.  If not, again back to the small wedding. 
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