LEAVE OUT DRUG-ADDICTED STEP BROTHER?

OuachitaTrixie

Do y'all think it would be OK to exclude my fiance's drug-addict step-brother from our wedding? 

Details:

Fiance has not been close to step-bro, "Leroy" for the last 10 years (when the drugs began).

"Leroy" is currently on parole, but violoating his parole as he (we've heard from "sources") still on drugs.

I have only met "Leroy" once and he may not remember me, as he was high at the time.

Fiance has another step-brother, "Matt" who will be in the wedding party.

The two step-brothers are close, although "Matt" does not approve of "Leroy's" lifestyle and has put in much effort to get him to sober up.

"Matt" is always pleading with Fiance and other family members to give "Leroy" "just one more chance."

"Leroy" will likely arrive high or tweaking or something.

Opinions please!

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Meh just call the cops on Leroy and then you won't have a dilemma.

No but really, maybe you should ask your fiance for his input.  He's his step brother, not yours.

squirrly

Up to your FI.  Go with whatever he wants.  But, I'd get a security guard if you're worried about his actions at the reception.

FutureMrsDudley55

Ultimately, the decision isn't yours to make. It is your fiance's call.

OuachitaTrixie

Good points girls!  I really like the "call the cops" one, haha!  I guess we should just wait and see how it all plays out by the time we order invites.  Fiance is as baffled as I am.  He's the one who suggested I ask my "those girls you talk to everyday." 

Fiance's step-dad and mom are as torn as we are.  We kind of go through this for every holliday that Leroy is not spending locked up.  Usually in those situations we just wait until the day before to make up our minds, and see if he's back on the 12 step.  I'm just afraid to send him an invite if he's sober when he could fall back of the wagon any day.  (He's as up and down as a rollercoaster.)

But y'all are right, no need to fret about it yet.

sucrets4

I didn't invite my awful step brother.  I also haven't talked to him in years and don't know his address or anything...I think he lives in NC, though.

But ditto everyone else, it's your FI's call. 

Sessac81

I did not send an invitation to my sister because she sounds a lot like your FI step-brother.  I don't know her address since she moved to the drug neighborhood, but I do talk to her on a fairly normal basis (a couple times a month).  She knows about the wedding.  She knows our other sister is my MOH.  She knows when the wedding is.  She just isn't invited.  It was a hard decision because I love her, but I have tried for years to help her out and I am scared she'll show up high or jonesing and embarrass me.  On the other hand, she hasn't asked about an invite, so I guess she knows I don't want her there

lovebug215

I'm in the same situation. fiance's brother is the same way. I left it at if he's not locked up or in a halfway house that day he can go. but theres no point in sending an invitation since i have no idea where he will be living tomorrow. its something that you can not control so don't try. and i wouldnt worry about it either. I would give him the option to go to the wedding since he is family. he most likely won't go anyway. my fiance's brother doesnt get along with anyone in his family which is sad. i thought maybe the wedding would bring them all together but its not. reality hit me and i'm not even worried about it anyway. and i told my fiance if he shows up high or drunk or on something i wont hesitate to kick him out. and he agrees with me

jenandmike23

I think it would be ok! We have been in the situation with other friends who invited drug addict friends, who never showed up anyway. The last thing you want is someone to come to your wedding who is messed up on drugs. It might hurt the person at first, but once that person can realize their problem , they will understand.

Lil_Toof

If it makes you feel any better, I am not inviting my own brother to my wedding.  He's had a big problem with drugs which has led to mental instability and I just didn't want the risk of his crazy antics.  Nor did I want anyone in my family to have to babysit him.  It definitely hurt his feelings, but I did what's best for me and for my guests.

The last time we brought him home was to see my dad who was dying.  He got arrested at the airport and when we finally got him home he was a huge mess.  Plus he has a tendency to share stories of his drug-fueled exploits to anyone he's around.  

I know it's a hard call, but you can give him support for recovery and hope for a better future without jeopardizing your big day.

Good luck!

melsey62

If your fiance's parents are not pressuring  you or your fiance then there is no reason to invite him.  Your future brother in law is trying to include the step brother in the family but if this guy cannot take responsibility for his life then why invite him?  Do you want to spend the time at your reception wondering if he is stealing money out of purses or trying to take gifts and enevelopes off of your gift table?  Do you want to spend the extra money on a security guard? He become the focus of your wedding day when it should be on you and your fiance.  Bottom line-Do not invite him.

mandysmear

I WOULD LEAVE THE DECISION UP TO YOUR FI.  I WOULD INVITE MY PAROLE, DRUG ADDICTED, LOSER STEP BROTHER.  BUT, THAT'S JUST ME.  FAMILY IS FAMILY.

badolotis10

If it were me, I'd probably wait and see like you're planning to.  Don't you just love unresponsible people that make your life harder?  On another note, the phrase "family is family" only serves to make excuses for lameness and will most likely at one point get you robbed and/or stabbed.

jodybrae

I know exactly what you are going through. I have a tough situation and I am not quite sure what to do. Maybe I can get some advice as well. My father has been a drug addict/alcoholic all of my life and hasn't been there for me since I was 12. I have had contact with him thoughout my life, but he hasn't raised me or been there for any important moment of my life. My sister has recently decided to "save" my father and because of that I am expected to just get on board and have him be apart of my life again. It is a sticky situation also because my mom and dad are RARELY ever in the same room and I also have a stepdad that is a big part of my life and he is walking my down the aisle. My sister is upset because I am not having my dad walk me down the aisle. I spoke to my father the other day, I try to talk to him, check to see how he is doing etc, but I haven't talked to him too much about the wedding. The other night he asked about the wedding and told me that he was trying to save to be able to come. I didn't know what to say. I love my dad, because he is my dad, but I do not feel he needs to be there. He hasn't been there for me and has caused a lot of heartache. Him being there would be very stressful for a lot of people and may cause problems. I don't know how to break it to him. This will also cause more problems between my sister and I which may result in her not coming to the wedding. To top it all off, my brother is also not invited to the wedding because of his alcohol problem. WHY do I feel bad about this? My fiance doesn't understand why I feel bad, and feel like I should invite them and I try to explain it to him, but don't quite understand it myself. PLEASE help.

Jenna714

We had a similar problem with my FI's brother. His whole family wants us to give his brother a chance and I would love to have him show up sober and happy. But the facts are he is on a rollercoaster with drugs and I was also afraid of what it would end up like on our day. Ultimately my FI and I decided to invite him in hopes that things will be fine. I just notified some of my strong guy friends that if things get out of control they are in charge of asking him to leave. You can never control what people will do, you can only control how you handle it. Make the choice that feels right and just try to plan for anything that could happen. It will all work out I am sure.

aprilmayjune2

I have this problem with my FATHER, of all people, who has been a severe alcoholic my whole life and has recently begun using hard drugs.  While I did send the invite, the RSVP was due a month ago - I haven't received a response, nor have I called. I haven't been close with my dad for a decade, and my fiance has never met him.  The rest of the family has told me that he has decided not to come, but doesn't have the balls to tell me so. My point is, your step-bro situation will probably work itself out.  Chances are he'd rather stay home and get high, might be in jail, lost license or something of that nature.  I sent an invite to my dad because, well, he's my DAD, and I didn't feel right not sending it.  Really though, do what you feel most comfortable with. If this guy has been chasing his addiction for the last 10 years, he has already given up his family in a bigger way than not being invited to a wedding - no guilt on you, we make our own choices in life. If you think he will end up taking the focus of the day, don't invite him.

Jill Michelle

I think you should run this suggestion by your fiance...

I think you should send him an invitation.  Then, have a separate conversation with him stating, that he can only come if he has been sober for "x" amount of time.  Stress to him that you would love him to be present, but not while he is "using".  When people are "using" they are not present any way.  Tell him that you hope that he can respect these guidelines for your special event.  

This still allows him to feel like one of the family, as he is.  Yet, it also gives him a choice.  It's one more reason for him to get sober.  

Good luck!

lucky7659

Well I would have to say that it is, infact NOT ulltimitely your fiance's decision.  It is your wedding, too.  I think you both need to sit down and discuss why you don't want him there (if that is in fact truly the case) and if he disagrees then work it out.  Perhaps making it perfectly clear to stepbrother that any inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated and that he will be either asked to leave or escorted out if he causes a problem.  We all have that relative.  But it seems like if your fiance and him aren't even that close then he wouldn't want him there anyhow.

samantha1008

Yea I agree it is something your FI is going to have to figure out.  I have an Uncle that I wish I could disown! And really don't want him there but I don't know if I can just not invite him!  He leaves with some of my family so he will know! Good luck with yours!

dmunoz785

Yes, I agree with the ladies it is your FI's decision and it isn't an easy one. I am one of those ppl that come from a family where you don't have black sheep, you have white sheep so when it came to getting engaged I found myself in a place where I was almost having panic attacks because I would envision my special day ruined by one of the MANY black sheep in my family. I came to a very hard conclusion that I will not be inviting any of them at all. My Mom, my sisters and that is it. I haven't been close to the rest of the family in over 15yrs, some have "straigtened" up and some haven't but if I invite one, I have to invite all. Plus, I have so many friends that are family, that I know I want there and wouldn't miss it for anything in the world so, in the end, those are the people I want to look out and see on my special day.

Guess you just have to go with your gut on this one. This day is about YOU AND YOUR FI, no one else.

MamaCourt

Im in almost the same boat that you are in. I have 2 tep brothers that are into drug/in and out of jail all the time. My FH and I didnt want to invite them at all. However, my mom and stepfather said that we had to. Later that night I was talking to my FH and his BM and I broke down. Said that they were going to ruin my entire wedding day! Now the FH and I have arranged to have a few the groomsmen act as our bouncers! (Since it is more then just my step brothers that I was worried about!) I talked to my MOH about it and she said invited  them, they probably wont show up anyways!
Wishing you luck!

diemond

It is a decision you and your FI should come to together.  While it is HIS step-brother, this day is about the two of you together.

From a counselling point of view, give the step brother the choice and consequence.. Have your FI try and sit down with him (maybe with the other step-brother, since you've said they're much closer) and have a realistic conversation about what your expectations are as a couple, and that he is only welcome to the wedding if he can be there sober.  If druggie step-bro chooses to stay high over sobering up to attend your awesome wedding, well then he's made that choice.  That way you don't have to be the bad guys.

KaleighBear007

Remember, this is YOURS & your FI's day- Have everything and everyone you want. You don't want to look back on your 50th wedding anniversary and say "remember your jerk of a step brother & how he made a scene at our wedding and ruined the whole day". You want to look back at the 50 year mark & say "That was the best day of my life".

Consider your FI's feelings, and weigh the pro's and con's.

Also, don't let his step brother "Matt"' 's opinion influence you b/c it's YOUR day, not his.

smokyhills

I'm in a similar situation... I'll avoid boring with details, but in the end, I'm not going to NOT invite the future relative, but I have let my FI know that I'm not thrilled about the situation. I'm extremely concerned that the kid'll steal stuff from the venue or otherwise damage property if he doesn't get his own way. I'm concerned about being seen as "stealing" my fiance (He's coming to live with me in a different country after the wedding - and the irony of this statement is not lost on me) and *not* inviting this relative would be seen as an act of hostility by J's parents.

Rebeckankar

Yikes! This is a long response:

Like many others we're in a similar situation with my FI's brother. My FI doesn't want him invited but his family does. It's really frustrating because they're not doing anything to help with the wedding but they want their son there, despite the fact that he hates my FI and has verbally attacked us on more than one occassion (in emails, facebook, etc). He has some mental health issues which the rest of the family is pretending they don't see and, to be honest, I'm afraid for the physical safety of myself and my guests.

He's also really anti-religion and anti-establishment. I'm very religious and a number of my friends are involved in the police force and goverment jobs. He has a tendancy to say really rude things to people who hold views he doesn't share.

My FIs plan is to say that he's not invited unless he gets help for his psychological problems. He's setting up a lot of rules which I think are sort of patronizing. I would prefer to say that we're not inviting him because his actions and words in the past suggest that he would not be comfortable at the wedding and that we can't trust him not to make a scene. I know that this will severe any ties we have with him, but he's not the type of person we want around our future children.

My ultimate thoughts are that a wedding isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card. You don't get invited just because you're part of the family. You get invited because you're someone who is willing to stand up and say, "I will support and nurture this relationship. The people who are getting married are people who I love and wish to celebrate, to grow with on this special day."

To the original poster, I think your FI asked you to check online because he wants to defer the agency involved in this decision to someone else. I think that's a good idea. There's a lot of stress around saying to a family member that they can't come. It's not a step to take lightly, but it is a step you should feel justified to take given your circumstances. I think it's a decision you need to make together and I think walking this journey of making a difficult decision together will help you grow as a couple.

Good luck and remember no matter what you're wedding will be great because the people there do love you and want to support your love!

gutier65

Go ahead and invite him because you have your life together and you will be so busy  with your beautiful wedding that you won't notice him.

Everyone has someone they don't want to be at their wedding and some how they end up there. Ahhhhh. I am going through the same thing right now.

italvamp2378

All of this information has been helpful with my own family situation/dilemma. Thanks so much.  

I think whatever decision you make will ultimately be the right one.

[Deleted User]

Oy, inviting someone like that can be tricky! But thankfully, he's not in the wedding right? I didn't read through all the replies but does the stepbrother drink a lot too? Cause if he did come, that would be entire situation more tricky at the reception! (especially if you have an open bar). Anyways, I would really really hope that if you guys invited him to your wedding that he would be respectful enough to not show up high, but you gotta be straight with him. If he does, someone WILL kick his ass out!

My FI has a brother who has been on probation for the last few years due to numerous DUI's and being caught with all kinds of drugs as well. He felt pressured to put this brother IN the wedding so he did but is now worried that he won't show, as he claims plane tickets are too expensive (which is funny, considering he was just out here partying with friends less than a month ago...).
ugh.

OuachitaTrixie

Thank y'all soooo much!  You all have very valid and appreciated opinions!  FI and I have agreed to let some time pass before making a decision, although at this point we are heavily leaning toward forgoing the invite.  I agree with those of you who mentioned stealing (which he has a history of) and alcohol (which we will have in abundance) potentially becoming issues.  Those thoughts had not even occured to us yet!  In the future when FI and I do re-open the subject I will be sure to add those points.  I can't allow my guests to be subject to theft.  But like it has been mentioned, who knows what condition Leroy might be in next year.  It may become a non-issue by then.

Thank you again Girls!  We knew y'all could help! 

afrodisiality

It's a decision that needs to be made by BOTH of you. If you leave it up to the FI and the step-brother shows up and ruins the day, you'll wish you'd said something.

My FI's brother has had addiction problems for years - mostly alcohol. In the 9 years we've been together, I've seen him about a handful of times. Their relationship isn't the best - but then my FI doesn't have a great relationship with MOST of his family. I knew that he would invite him - via their mother, cause she's about the only one who would know his whereabouts. I broached the topic about having him at the wedding and FI immediately stated that if his brother, or anyone for that matter, causes trouble they will be removed. Works for me!