Elope?

brattnee37

My boyfriend and I know for sure that we are going to be married.  I keep hearing rumors of him looking at rings.  My history is that I was engaged before and had planned a GIANT wedding of 400+ people and my fiance at the time called off the wedding 2 weeks before.  I am much happier now and am infact greatful to him for ending something that wouldn't have worked, but still it was the hardest and most devestating and embarassing  thing I've ever been through and it has left me with some pretty bad scars.  

I still really want to have my dream wedding (not that big) but I don't know if I will be able to relax during the planning because of everything I've been through.  We have talked about eloping and then having a party afterward, but i really wanna be in front of my friends and family in a white dress and have my dad walk me down the aisle.  

Does anyone have any suggestions of how I coud handle this?

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:96a580cd-37af-4655-b033-89d329399eff">Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]My boyfriend and I know for sure that we are going to be married.  I keep hearing rumors of him looking at rings.  My history is that I was engaged before and had planned a GIANT wedding of 400+ people and my fiance at the time called off the wedding 2 weeks before.  I am much happier now and am infact greatful to him for ending something that wouldn't have worked, but still it was the hardest and most devestating and embarassing  thing I've ever been through and it has left me with some pretty bad scars.   I still really want to have my dream wedding (not that big) but I don't know if I will be able to relax during the planning because of everything I've been through.  We have talked about eloping and then having a party afterward, but i really wanna be in front of my friends and family in a white dress and have my dad walk me down the aisle.   Does anyone have any suggestions of how I coud handle this?
Posted by brattnee37[/QUOTE]
Have you considered a small, destination wedding? The destination doesn't have to be too far, either. You can invite a couple of friends and come close family members.

Avion22

I highly recommend counseling, if you haven't done so already.   There's nothing wrong with how you are feeling, but counseling will help you deal with your fears and feelings while pursuing the wedding of your dreams (whatever you decide that is).

My first wedding was called off with 6 weeks to go becuase my fiance cheated with a girl and got her pregnant. That left some nasty scars.   Counseling really helped me deal with it.

Kristin789

Ditto the previous posters.

And realize that NO ONE "relaxes during the planning."  It's a hectic time during which you and your FI and your family try to make all the right choices to create the perfect wedding - it's a whole lot of stress for everyone.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:fd90bd5f-0f26-44c8-a747-59f09a553b6a">Re: Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto the previous posters. And realize that NO ONE "relaxes during the planning."  It's a hectic time during which you and your FI and your family try to make all the right choices to create the perfect wedding - it's a whole lot of stress for everyone.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I wasn't stressed AT ALL planning this wedding.  Neither was my husband, and neither were our families.  It was a fun and painless experience.  It wasn't hectic, and we didn't care about haivng the "perfect" wedding.   Not everyone stresses out about stuff.</div>

brattnee37

Thanks for the advice. I did go to counseling, its just that some things will always be a sore spot ya know?  And I'm very aware of the stress that CAN come (not in all cases) with planning a wedding.  I'm not worried about that as much as I am about being scared the whole time that the same thing will happen.  I would almost rather just be married... then plan the wedding, but I know that some people will look at that as "fake".  I would love to be able to relax in the excitement and just plan, but I'm not sure if that will happen given my history.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:0df7b761-9730-4ddf-8ace-a8b26c57def2">Re: Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Elope? : I wasn't stressed AT ALL planning this wedding.  Neither was my husband, and neither were our families.  It was a fun and painless experience.  It wasn't hectic, and we didn't care about haivng the "perfect" wedding.   Not everyone stresses out about stuff.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

**Nodding head in agreement**

I had one minor freak out moment in the beginning but then I realized about 15 minutes later that I was being completely ridiculous and what I was stressing over really wasn't an issue and that there was no way I could go a whole year so freaking stressed over details that would only matter to me.

A wedding is a party and a fun party at that, so why should the process make people so miserable.  Plan your day, don't stress over tiny details and just enjoy the process.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:d0d22437-150e-447e-a790-7e404dacbd85">Re: Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice. I did go to counseling, its just that some things will always be a sore spot ya know?  And I'm very aware of the stress that CAN come (not in all cases) with planning a wedding.  I'm not worried about that as much as I am about being scared the whole time that the same thing will happen.  I would almost rather just be married... then plan the wedding, but I know that some people will look at that as "fake".  I would love to be able to relax in the excitement and just plan, but I'm not sure if that will happen given my history.
Posted by brattnee37[/QUOTE]

No one can really answer this question for you.  If planning the wedding is going to bring you additional stress and anxiety, then elope.   Or, have a very small, immediate family only wedding in a park or on a beach somewhere, and wear your white dress and go have a wonderful dinner after somewhere.  

Given the situation, and your previous experience, only you can really decide what's best for you.   If you get married now and have the big pretty princess day later, people will judge you and look at it as fake. 

1026pumpkin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:96a580cd-37af-4655-b033-89d329399eff">Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]My boyfriend and I know for sure that we are going to be married.  I keep hearing rumors of him looking at rings.  My history is that I was engaged before and had planned a GIANT wedding of 400+ people and my fiance at the time called off the wedding 2 weeks before.  I am much happier now and am infact greatful to him for ending something that wouldn't have worked, but still it was the hardest and most devestating and embarassing  thing I've ever been through and it has left me with some pretty bad scars.   I still really want to have my dream wedding (not that big) but I don't know if I will be able to relax during the planning because of everything I've been through.  We have talked about eloping and then having a party afterward, but i really wanna be in front of my friends and family in a white dress and have my dad walk me down the aisle.   Does anyone have any suggestions of how I coud handle this?
Posted by brattnee37[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Lurking, but just wanted to ditto PPs suggestions of therapy.  Maybe you and FI can schedule regular pre-marital counseling sessions to talk about fears, stress, etc. in a neutral environment.  I think it's natural to be worried after what you've been through, but if FI and a counselor can help nip it in the bud, maybe it would help you relax and enjoy the planning process a little more.

</div>

thirdtimesacharm2016

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:d0d22437-150e-447e-a790-7e404dacbd85">Re: Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice. I did go to counseling, its just that some things will always be a sore spot ya know?  And I'm very aware of the stress that CAN come (not in all cases) with planning a wedding.  I'm not worried about that as much as I am about being scared the whole time that the same thing will happen. <strong> I would almost rather just be married... then plan the wedding, but I know that some people will look at that as "fake".</strong>  I would love to be able to relax in the excitement and just plan, but I'm not sure if that will happen given my history.
Posted by brattnee37[/QUOTE]

I understand why planning a big wedding would bring back very bad memories, but I don't understand how already being married during the planning process will alleviate those feelings. I don't mean that in a snarky way, just curious why that would help.

(Edited for spelling)

brattnee37

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:7df5c071-5a69-425e-a15a-1893e320248e">Re: Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Elope? : I understand why planning a big wedding would bring back very bad memories, but I don't understand how already being married during the planning process will aleviate those feelings. I don't mean that in a snarky way, just curious why that would help.
Posted by BH2013[/QUOTE]
Sure. My biggest fear is that I will get through planning an entire wedding and then he'll back out.  So if we were already officially married... well then he couldn't back out lol.  But perhaps we could call it a "vow renewal" and then a big party?

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:b1151f28-ff89-4c41-b9ee-9e05a459a8d4">Re: Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Elope? : Sure. My biggest fear is that I will get through planning an entire wedding and then he'll back out.  <strong>So if we were already officially married... well then he couldn't back out lol. </strong> But perhaps we could call it a "vow renewal" and then a big party?
Posted by brattnee37[/QUOTE]

Okay. Slow down. Why are you already dooming this? He hasn't even proposed yet, and you're already planning on how to trap him so he can't back out of a giant party?

You DO need more therapy if this is how you feel. If he proposes, he wants to marry you. Period. Plan a big wedding or a small wedding but DO NOT elope and then have a fake wedding later. Vow renewals are meant for big anniversaries, not as excuses to have a pretty princess day.

Also, if you do elope, there's no guarantee he won't leave you just because you're married. This is why I highly recommend you get counseling. You obviously have trust issues (not necessarily with him, just in general) because of what happened to you, and I totally get that. But you really do need to work through that; otherwise, you're going to panic as soon as you see that engagement ring.

Additionally, maybe he wants a wedding. You're already ready to run to a courthouse, but maybe he wants a big party with 200 people. This is his wedding too. You need to talk to him - after he proposes, of course. Until then, this is all moot. My FI talked about marriage for two years before he proposed.

anssett

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:b1151f28-ff89-4c41-b9ee-9e05a459a8d4">Re: Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Elope? : Sure. My biggest fear is that I will get through planning an entire wedding and then he'll back out.  So if we were already officially married... well then he couldn't back out lol.  But perhaps we could call it a "vow renewal" and then a big party?
Posted by brattnee37[/QUOTE]

<div>You (they) can always 'back out'. It's called divorce. Thinking you've locked him in because you're married WILL NOT make you feel better. If you don't feel like he really wants to stay (in your heart because of the scars/fears) then you'll feel just the same once you're married. Been there. Done that. Deal with the feelings as completely as possible now, and realize that very little feels different after you're married (for most people on the count of believing your partner will stay).</div>

brattnee37

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:f0fdbf59-6a1f-44c0-9f57-e697401f85f7">Re: Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Elope? : Okay. Slow down. Why are you already dooming this? He hasn't even proposed yet, and you're already planning on how to trap him so he can't back out of a giant party? You DO need more therapy if this is how you feel. If he proposes, he wants to marry you. Period. Plan a big wedding or a small wedding but DO NOT elope and then have a fake wedding later. Vow renewals are meant for big anniversaries, not as excuses to have a pretty princess day. Also, if you do elope, there's no guarantee he won't leave you just because you're married. This is why I highly recommend you get counseling. You obviously have trust issues (not necessarily with him, just in general) because of what happened to you, and I totally get that. But you really do need to work through that; otherwise, you're going to panic as soon as you see that engagement ring. Additionally, maybe he wants a wedding. You're already ready to run to a courthouse, but maybe he wants a big party with 200 people. This is his wedding too. You need to talk to him - after he proposes, of course. Until then, this is all moot. My FI talked about marriage for two years before he proposed.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]
Wow...<div>Ok well my boyfriend an I have serioulsy discussed everything and he understand exactly where I'm at.  I was looking for some ideas, not judgement.  I'm a little concerned by the amount of passion in your response to a stranger.  I have been to therapy, and I do agree that premarital counseling is a great option.  I would NEVER try to trap anyone... I just don't want to be hurt or humiliated again. </div><div>
</div><div>Anyways, I really do appreciate the advice and opinions from the other posters and think I will just have to wait and see how I feel when he proposes.</div><div>
</div><div>BTW in my first relationship, I had the same problem with my boyfriend not proposing for 2 years... it didn't end well, because he was not ready and it meant that we just weren't right.</div>

arendiva

It's obvious that a big wedding with a white dress is important to you. So don't let fear and bad memories rob you of that. If you elope you likely will regret it because there really is no do-over. Any vow renewal or after the fact party will feel fake and a lot of the people who ideally you would like to attend may not even bother to come.

zantster

I agree with a lot of what wrigleyville and anssett said.  But mostly I just think it's important that you ask yourself if you 100% trust your bf for the man that he is and stop comparing him to the ghost of your ex-FI.  He is not your ex-FI.  And you would not want him to compare you and judge your future actions based on any of his exes right?  If you are certain upon his proposal that he 100% wants to marry you and you have not had to "lean" on him or persuade or convince him to make things "official" then trust him and trust yourself enough to have the wedding you want and not a wedding based on fear.  If you are concerned that your friends and family will be rolling their eyes who cares?  The ones that matter will be extremely happy for you and the rest can kick rocks.

wrigleyville

I wasn't trying to be harsh. I just saw you escalating in your comments to the point of panic, and I wanted you to stop and really look at the big picture for a second. That's all. You went from planning a wedding to asking if you should elope so he couldn't back out of a "wedding" later. I was pretty concerned about that, and I addressed it.

I still recommend counseling if you're worried about getting hurt or humiliated again. You also need to discuss this with your boyfriend if you still have concerns. That's why I asked if he wants a small ceremony or a big party. You need to include him every step of the way, even if it means pre-marital counseling (which you mentioned, and I commend you for that).

I'm saying this as a psychiatrist, so I wasn't just trying to bash you. I really am concerned about you, and I thought being frank might help you step back for a second and look at everything you'd been saying.

brattnee37

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:d756b260-c4bc-4b4d-9eca-16d74fefcc2a">Re: Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with a lot of what wrigleyville and anssett said.  But mostly I just think it's important that you ask yourself if you 100% trust your bf for the man that he is and stop comparing him to the ghost of your ex-FI.  He is not your ex-FI.  And you would not want him to compare you and judge your future actions based on any of his exes right?  If you are certain upon his proposal that he 100% wants to marry you and you have not had to "lean" on him or persuade or convince him to make things "official" then trust him and trust yourself enough to have the wedding you want and not a wedding based on fear.  If you are concerned that your friends and family will be rolling their eyes who cares?  The ones that matter will be extremely happy for you and the rest can kick rocks.
Posted by zantster[/QUOTE]
Thanks!  That actually makes a lot of sense.<div>
</div><div>
</div>

brattnee37

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:c95499ae-ab97-4c36-9d12-6fddc18ff942">Re: Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasn't trying to be harsh. I just saw you escalating in your comments to the point of panic, and I wanted you to stop and really look at the big picture for a second. That's all. You went from planning a wedding to asking if you should elope so he couldn't back out of a "wedding" later. I was pretty concerned about that, and I addressed it. I still recommend counseling if you're worried about getting hurt or humiliated again. You also need to discuss this with your boyfriend if you still have concerns. That's why I asked if he wants a small ceremony or a big party. You need to include him every step of the way, even if it means pre-marital counseling (which you mentioned, and I commend you for that). I'm saying this as a psychiatrist, so I wasn't just trying to bash you. I really am concerned about you, and I thought being frank might help you step back for a second and look at everything you'd been saying.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]

<div>I see.  well thanks for clearing that up.  I agree with most things you said. I guess I was more looking for ideas on how to keep everyone happy and easy going.  My family and his family are on board for whatever, I just wasnt sure of my options.  And my bf and I have very open communication, but its awkward since we aren't even engaged yet lol</div>

wrigleyville

Well, as far as keeping everyone happy, that's impossible. Honestly.

You and your FI will have to decide on what kind of wedding you both want. Once you decide, then as long as you do everything to make your guests comfortable (enough chairs, full meal, greeting all of them during the reception and thanking them for coming, and so on), then that's all you can do.

You're always going to have family members who wished you'd had a bigger wedding, or a spring wedding, or a winter wedding, or a wedding in this town, or that town, and why didn't you invite Aunt Tillie and her precious little boy?!?

This board is full of great ideas for stopping that in its tracks, whether it's relatives who want to plan everything or people who assume they're invited. Stick around and keep up with the threads. You'll see.

If you want to have a pretty white dress, your dad walking you down the aisle, and your family and friends there, then do it. Don't have a small wedding just because you're worried about planning a big event and then having the same thing happen.

Don't sacrifice what you want over the fear of something that might not even happen.

Edited to add: You want silly? Out of all the stuff that could be criticized, my dad is upset that we're paying for a photographer. I told him the pictures are super important to me, and he said, "Just ask everyone to send you the pictures from their cameras." Ha!

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2e5777ab-6c3c-47ad-8407-453d41633576Post:4644df67-23bd-448c-aa10-58c17f20d53e">Re: Elope?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Elope? : I see.  well thanks for clearing that up.  I agree with most things you said. I guess I was more looking for ideas on how to keep everyone happy and easy going.  My family and his family are on board for whatever, I just wasnt sure of my options.  And my bf and I have very open communication, but its awkward since we aren't even engaged yet lol
Posted by brattnee37[/QUOTE]
Perhaps you should shelve this for awhile, at least until you are engaged. This way, it won't be so awkward to talk about it.

I definitely see you comparing your current bf with your ex and that's not fair to your bf. I totally understand being scared of a repeat episode, but your current bf shouldn't have to suffer for it. Obviously this means you could benefit from some further therapy and definitely premarital counseling.

Getting married before the planning process won't help because he can still run away. Except this time, it'll involve a divorce. You can't stop someone from leaving you, you can only trust that they won't.

emeejeeayen

This sucks, but if he's going to leave you, he's going to leave you. And right now you could be worried about embarrassment (and I get it: there is definitely an embarrassment factor to be wary of), but if he breaks your heart and leaves you it's going to be the least of your worries at the time. You can't live your life EXPECTING everyone to let you down so whole heartedly. People will disappoint you, but the people who really matter will be there through thick and thin, and part of marriage is trusting that this person is going to do his best to not let you down, as best he can. It's hard, but you've just got to trust that he's not going to eff you over, and if he does, that's on him. That guilt should be his to live with. So plan the wedding you want, and forget the fear of embarrassment.