Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN)

BeeBee22

I'm not sure how to broach this without getting in trouble, but here goes anyway. I'm mostly a lurker who learned an enormous amount from TK and particularly this board in planning my wedding. I always find the ladies here insightful and funny.

Our wedding was wonderful and I'm very lucky to be married to a man I adore. I have one puzzling issue lingering in my head regarding my family and thought if there was anywhere I could get some perspective on it, it would be here.  

We're older (my first marriage, his second) and paid for the wedding ourselves.  My family is quite spread out and all live at least 5 hours away by plane. They all came for the wedding, which was really lovely, and told me several times that they loved having an excuse to all get together (for the first time in years). We hosted multiple dinners and get-togethers for everyone while they were in town.

The issue: I'm embarrassed that not one member of my family has given us a gift. Obviously it's not required, and my feeling hurt isn't even about the "stuff".  I feel ashamed of their manners. Tho they tend to be thoughtless, this seems extreme. 

I know everyone had travel and hotel expenses, but I did the same for all of their weddings, in much tighter financial straits, and gave a gift (even if it had to be small) besides.  I'm frankly baffled and hurt, as well as embarrassed. I know I'm laying myself open to "You can't expect gifts / gift-grabby / etc.", and I get that, but I'm hoping to communicate that a gift is not my real concern (which I may not accomplish).

I'm just feeling bad about why this would happen? How they feel about me? Any insight would be appreciated if you've all dealt with this before.

PS: 1) They love DH and are very happy about the marriage.  2) It's not financial hardship on their part, 3) At least two people know we were registered (because they asked) - they aren't the sort of people to send a gift 5 months afterward, and 4) I haven't and will not say anything to them about it.

CN: hurt and embarrassed that no one on Bride's family has acknowledged wedding with any sort of gift.

Many thanks ladies, and deep appreciation for all the help over the past year!

Ghoti

They acknowledged the wedding with their presence.  That was their gift.

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_embarrassed-family-thoughtlessness-long-wcn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efdbd09-2eed-4500-b8aa-d285d9b1c715Post:0b3d7ebe-0d93-4128-9c6a-b5de5aa39677">Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure how to broach this without getting in trouble, but here goes anyway. I'm mostly a lurker who learned an enormous amount from TK and particularly this board in planning my wedding. I always find the ladies here insightful and funny. Our wedding was wonderful and I'm very lucky to be married to a man I adore. I have one puzzling issue lingering in my head regarding my family and thought if there was anywhere I could get some perspective on it, it would be here.   We're older (my first marriage, his second) and paid for the wedding ourselves.  My family is quite spread out and all live at least 5 hours away by plane. They all came for the wedding, which was really lovely, and told me several times that they loved having an excuse to all get together (for the first time in years). We hosted multiple dinners and get-togethers for everyone while they were in town. The issue: I'm embarrassed that not one member of my family has given us a gift. Obviously it's not required, and my feeling hurt isn't even about the "stuff".  I feel ashamed of their manners. Tho they tend to be thoughtless, this seems extreme.  I know everyone had travel and hotel expenses, but I did the same for all of their weddings, in much tighter financial straits, and gave a gift (even if it had to be small) besides.  I'm frankly baffled and hurt, as well as embarrassed. I know I'm laying myself open to "You can't expect gifts / gift-grabby / etc.", and I get that, but I'm hoping to communicate that a gift is not my real concern (which I may not accomplish). I'm just feeling bad about why this would happen? How they feel about me? Any insight would be appreciated if you've all dealt with this before. PS: 1) They love DH and are very happy about the marriage.  2) <strong>It's not financial hardship on their part</strong>, 3) At least two people know we were registered (because they asked) - they aren't the sort of people to send a gift 5 months afterward, and 4) I haven't and will not say anything to them about it. CN: hurt and embarrassed that no one on Bride's family has acknowledged wedding with any sort of gift. Many thanks ladies, and deep appreciation for all the help over the past year!
Posted by BeeBee22[/QUOTE]
Don't assume that you're right about that. I'm broke as shiit, but I generally don't let people know that. (now being the obvious exception :)

Anyway, which members of your family are we talking about here? Like, how close are they? Immediate family? I don't have any insight other than I just don't get being upset about this. I don't understand how it CAN'T be about the stuff you didn't get. I mean, you say it's not, and you don't sound bratty or anything, I just don't understand the sentiment at all. Would it have been different if they'd gotten you a card?

dianemc10

I don't understand being embarrassed. What are you embarrassed about? 

Beachy730

Personally, I would never show up to a wedding without a gift, even if we were traveling.  H and I are looking at flights now for his brothers wedding and it's going to cost us at least $1,000 just for the flights, not to mention WP attire, rental car, etc.  I joked last night that we should just drop out and send them a check for half of what we would have spent going there.  But regardless, we will still give them a nice gift.  

 

My good friend's sister had a lot of her H's family travel for their wedding, and nobody in the family gave a gift.  I know her sister was hurt by it too.  But you can't think of it as a personal slight against you, I think some people just consider traveling for the wedding as their gift.  

Mrs.B6302007

What's to be embarrassed about?

nurse.misty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_embarrassed-family-thoughtlessness-long-wcn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efdbd09-2eed-4500-b8aa-d285d9b1c715Post:367a1933-e068-474d-a22c-7962dd854a86">Re: Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN)</a>:
[QUOTE]They acknowledged the wedding with their presence.  That was their gift.
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

This. They aren't obligated to buy a gift, regardless of their finances. Try not to dwell too much on it. They supported your marriage with their presence, which is plenty.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

We definitely had a high number of non gift-givers, but we also had a high number of OOT guests. It is what it is. I know, it sucks, because I wouldn't do that either, but try to let it go.

teachersinlove

I think she is embarrassed that her new DH and his family know that her family didn't bring gifts. Which I get can understand.

TTiger03

It bugs me when people ask about a registry or an address to send a gift and don't give anything, but it's not the end of the world.  It just shows poorly on them more than you.

Try not to be embarrassed at a lack of gifts from your family.  No one else will know who gave you gifts unless you go around saying something.  You never know if they decided to have something sent after the wedding because they would be traveling or if they just aren't going to send something.  Either way, they came to support you and you know they love you and care about you.  

Beachy730

I also am with the PPs though asking why you would be embarrassed.

september's bride

Anyone who says that they wouldn't be hurt to not get a single gift from their family at their wedding is lying. Dude, that's hurtful and it's not about the gift, it's about your family not acknowledging your wedding with even a card (although I don't know if you received cards, OP, so I may retract my argument.)

I've never, ever shown up at a wedding empty handed, even when I was in grad school and at my absolute poorest.

For me, to attend a wedding and not at least offer a token gift or a card to commemorate the occasion is really shitty, and I can't blame the OP for being sad about it. The embarrassment, I don't know about, because their bad manners are their own, but feeling bummed out? I'd be too.

andy71781

Did you tell your DH's family that your family didn't give you gifts?  I think you are sad and upset - but I don't see the embarrassment.

kbsmom1

So sorry that this has caused you some pain.  We had a similar thing happen when our daughter got married.  We choose the husband's home town due to Katrina...we felt we did not want to burden their family with any added expences to travel out of state.  They received no gifts from his parents, brother, sister, his groomsmen..and quite a few of the bride's friends....Yes I know their presence is to honor the couple.......but as we had all traveled to all their events with gifts...and I know its not tit for tat......but we would NEVER attend a wedding and not gift even if we had gone to great expence to travel.......frankly I don't get it.....even a simple card would have done it......several were sending after wedding and 4 years later....no arrivals......Just think its rude and tacky......

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_embarrassed-family-thoughtlessness-long-wcn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efdbd09-2eed-4500-b8aa-d285d9b1c715Post:f157071a-8953-4b59-9291-60925b393e5c">Re: Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Anyone who says that they wouldn't be hurt to not get a single gift from their family at their wedding is lying. </strong>Dude, that's hurtful and it's not about the gift, it's about your family not acknowledging your wedding with even a card (although I don't know if you received cards, OP, so I may retract my argument.) I've never, ever shown up at a wedding empty handed, even when I was in grad school and at my absolute poorest. For me, to attend a wedding and not at least offer a token gift or a card to commemorate the occasion is really shitty, and I can't blame the OP for being sad about it. The embarrassment, I don't know about, because their bad manners are their own, but feeling bummed out? I'd be too.
Posted by september's bride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Please try not to make blanket statements about other people.  </div><div>It's perfectly fine that you would be hurt/offended. But I know that I wouldn't/won't be.

</div>

september's bride

Oh whatever, Ghoti. If your entire family didn't even give you a card to say congratulations? Give me a break. And last time I checked, I can make blanket statements any time I like.

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_embarrassed-family-thoughtlessness-long-wcn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efdbd09-2eed-4500-b8aa-d285d9b1c715Post:0b3d7ebe-0d93-4128-9c6a-b5de5aa39677">Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure how to broach this without getting in trouble, but here goes anyway. I'm mostly a lurker who learned an enormous amount from TK and particularly this board in planning my wedding. I always find the ladies here insightful and funny. Our wedding was wonderful and I'm very lucky to be married to a man I adore. I have one puzzling issue lingering in my head regarding my family and thought if there was anywhere I could get some perspective on it, it would be here.   We're older (my first marriage, his second) and paid for the wedding ourselves.  My family is quite spread out and all live at least 5 hours away by plane. They all came for the wedding, which was really lovely, and told me several times that they loved having an excuse to all get together (for the first time in years). We hosted multiple dinners and get-togethers for everyone while they were in town. The issue: I'm embarrassed that not one member of my family has given us a gift. Obviously it's not required, and my feeling hurt isn't even about the "stuff".  I feel ashamed of their manners. Tho they tend to be thoughtless, this seems extreme.  I know everyone had travel and hotel expenses, but I did the same for all of their weddings, in much tighter financial straits, and gave a gift (even if it had to be small) besides.  I'm frankly baffled and hurt, as well as embarrassed. I know I'm laying myself open to "You can't expect gifts / gift-grabby / etc.", and I get that, but I'm hoping to communicate that a gift is not my real concern (which I may not accomplish). I'm just feeling bad about why this would happen? How they feel about me? Any insight would be appreciated if you've all dealt with this before. PS: 1) They love DH and are very happy about the marriage.  2) It's not financial hardship on their part, 3) At least two people know we were registered (because they asked) - they aren't the sort of people to send a gift 5 months afterward, and 4) I haven't and will not say anything to them about it. CN: hurt and embarrassed that no one on Bride's family has acknowledged wedding with any sort of gift. Many thanks ladies, and deep appreciation for all the help over the past year!
Posted by BeeBee22[/QUOTE]

I know it sucks and it hurts a little, but you have to let it go.  It will only bother you if you continue to think about it.  Tell yourself that you are married, you are lucky that they all love you and your husband and you had a wonderful wedding.  Remember that they traveled at their expense to celebrate with you and that is more important than any material gift.

Also, I would consider that the expense of traveling for a wedding is not a small thing.   Between hotel, airfare, food, etc they spent a lot.  I had friends travel from AZ to MA for our wedding and I was so thrilled they made the trip!  They actually did not get us a present, but I never expected one since I was jsut so happy they made the very expensive trip to be with us on our wedding day.

BeeBee22

Thank you everyone very much for your responses.  I haven't told anyone about this, so only my DH knows, and he chalks it up to their general thoughtlessness, which mildly annoys him in general.  I guess I just feel embarrassed in his eyes ... which isn't sensible, because he doesn't think it reflects on me.  stupid brain.

I think people hit it on the head that I just feel hurt and sad, part of which comes from my own family dynamics that I hadn't considered in connection with this.  I can't imagine not giving someone something to commemorate their wedding either. Actually having posted this and reading the responses has been helpful on its own. 

Thanks again very much ladies, I really appreciate your taking the time and your thoughtful responses.

To answer some questions:

-No cards

-We just registered for household stuff which we can afford on our own if need be, so it's really not about the stuff. Also other friends gave us small, thoughtful gifts of their own that we love. 

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_embarrassed-family-thoughtlessness-long-wcn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efdbd09-2eed-4500-b8aa-d285d9b1c715Post:7595dfa4-3e4d-420f-bcd8-155d33c0adbd">Re: Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN)</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh whatever, Ghoti. If your entire family didn't even give you a card to say congratulations? Give me a break. And last time I checked, I can make blanket statements any time I like.
Posted by september's bride[/QUOTE]
My family at this point isn't even coming, so maybe I just have a difference perspective on this. I'd rather have them come and not give a gift any day.<div>
</div><div>And you can make blanket statements, you're right. But I know I'm not the only one who stops reading at that point.</div>

september's bride

And, for the record, I'm not saying anyone HAS to get anyone a gift for any occasion. But I can see how someone would be upset not to even get a card, forget money or a toaster or whatever, but even a simple card or handwritten note (which I received, btw, and framed because it was so touching and thoughtful) just to say congratulations on your wedding? That's pretty much the suck.

Again, if you're complaining about not getting material things like the money or the abovementioned toaster, then I'll tell you to get over it and move on, but if you didn't get even a little acknowlegement (aside from their presence, which is most important, I won't dispute that) I can understand the hurt. Well, realistically, even if you didn't get a card or note, you should probably still move on, so there's that...

Abbyjensen

I understand why this might hurt your feelings, but perhaps this is just the way that your family works. Some families might think that wedding gifts are optional.

A coworker of mine recently was married and her DH's family didn't give gifts. They just didn't see it as necessary. DH said it's because in his family, they don't see it as important. Since they are a bit older adn already live together and such, his family didn't see it as important to give them something to help them start their life together, as wedding gifts often are.

Maybe your family is the same.

redheadfsu

If I was having a traditional wedding and no one in my family gave me even a freaking card, I would feel very hurt. I think most people would. There is nothing you can do, but I would judge my family hard.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_embarrassed-family-thoughtlessness-long-wcn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efdbd09-2eed-4500-b8aa-d285d9b1c715Post:f157071a-8953-4b59-9291-60925b393e5c">Re: Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN)</a>:
[QUOTE]Anyone who says that they wouldn't be hurt to not get a single gift from their family at their wedding is lying. Dude, that's hurtful and it's not about the gift, it's about your family not acknowledging your wedding with even a card (although I don't know if you received cards, OP, so I may retract my argument.) I've never, ever shown up at a wedding empty handed, even when I was in grad school and at my absolute poorest. For me, to attend a wedding and not at least offer a token gift or a card to commemorate the occasion is really shitty, and I can't blame the OP for being sad about it. The embarrassment, I don't know about, because their bad manners are their own, but feeling bummed out? I'd be too.
Posted by september's bride[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.

And PS, my mother didn't get me a gift. I understood, but it was still a bummer.

opalsky007

I agree with September. I'd be hurt as well. And yes, I had family who couldn't attend because of finances, and others who were able to attend but not give a gift. But if my entire half of the guest list hadn't so much as sent a card, I'd be upset by that.

number55

Um, my brothers were in the WP...we paid for their tuxes and their accommodations were taken care of. One of them paid for their transport, the other one didn't in the end (he lost his wallet, long story short, my dad paid for his gas for the drive, 6 hours each way)...

I never expected a gift...I didn't even a get a card. That hurt. But unfortunately, it didn't surprise me either. That made it hurt even more.

I get it OP but really, you need to get past it emotionally...I know you said you aren't going to say anything, and that is good, but be careful that you don't grow resentful of it. It's just a gift. 

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_embarrassed-family-thoughtlessness-long-wcn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efdbd09-2eed-4500-b8aa-d285d9b1c715Post:f157071a-8953-4b59-9291-60925b393e5c">Re: Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN)</a>:
[QUOTE]Anyone who says that they wouldn't be hurt to not get a single gift from their family at their wedding is lying. Dude, that's hurtful and it's not about the gift, it's about your family not acknowledging your wedding with even a card (although I don't know if you received cards, OP, so I may retract my argument.) I've never, ever shown up at a wedding empty handed, even when I was in grad school and at my absolute poorest. For me, to attend a wedding and not at least offer a token gift or a card to commemorate the occasion is really shitty, and I can't blame the OP for being sad about it. The embarrassment, I don't know about, because their bad manners are their own, but feeling bummed out? I'd be too.
Posted by september's bride[/QUOTE]

i agree.

i think what the OP is trying to say is that her H's family gave cards/gifts but no one in her family did so she feels embarassed by that. completely understandable.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_embarrassed-family-thoughtlessness-long-wcn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efdbd09-2eed-4500-b8aa-d285d9b1c715Post:b54ba349-2647-4cbb-8e4a-bc2635ae97dc">Re: Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN) : i agree. i think what the OP is trying to say is that her H's family gave cards/gifts but no one in her family did so she feels embarassed by that. completely understandable.
Posted by pghRN[/QUOTE]
OT but every time I read your name, I fail and see "porn" instead.

KJ7985

I would feel really...confused. And almost taken advantage of. How nice of you to host all of those extra dinners and parties so that your family has an excuse for a family reunion. It wasn't a family reunion, it was an important day for you and your husband and I think it's rude for them not to recognize that. 

In terms of financial hardship, these people could afford to travel across the country, stay in hotel rooms, and take time away from work, but they couldn't afford to give you guys a gift? My gosh, even a card and a bottle of wine--just...something! If they can't afford to attend the wedding (travel/accomodations/gift), perhaps they just shouldn't attend. It would be a cold day in hell before I attended a wedding and didn't give a gift. I think it's hands-down rude. With that said, THEY are the ones who should be embarassed--definitely not you! 

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_embarrassed-family-thoughtlessness-long-wcn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efdbd09-2eed-4500-b8aa-d285d9b1c715Post:cec36da9-635a-4b16-b8bd-39c67368edf3">Re: Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Embarrassed by family thoughtlessness (?) (long w/CN) : OT but every time I read your name, I fail and see "porn" instead.
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

hahah dirty mind

lindsay5432

I would be sad, too.

Are you going to send thank you cards to everyone?

laurenpm

I'm sorry OP, I would be a little bummed as well.  I'm pretty sure that I will have a similar situation only on my FI's side of the family instead of mine.  I can totally see that their "gift" is their presence at the wedding, but I think a nice card or hand-written note would have been appropriate.