Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?

kmkapaun

One of my bridesmaids who I consider a best friend has been in an off/on relationship with this guy for the past 3 years.  None of her frends or family likes this guy because in the past he has been mentally and physically abusive to her and cheated on her. (Just to mention a few).  The last event they were at together they caused a huge scene, and really upset my friend who was hosting the party (it was her graduation party for getting her masters.)  So a few months back they were split up and she and I were talking about my wedding (which is this coming October) and I told her that I know her and her boyfriend arent together anymore so it doesn't matter but just to make sure I told her he wasn't invited.  She told me she totally understood and it was fine because they weren't togeter.  BUT now they are together again and she told another friend of mine that she was upset he wasn't invited.  Am I being insenstive not inviting him? For one thing I cant stand the guy because how he has treated my friend and two I'm worried they are going to get into their usual fight at my wedding/reception and ruin it.  Any advice?

strlzfan11

If they are together when the invitations go out, he needs to be invited, unless there are some major extenuating circumstances (like there's a restraining order out against him from someone who will be in attendance).

If they choose to fight at your wedding, it will reflect badly on them, not you.  Hire a bouncer if you're afraid he will try to start something.

hoffse

Generally social units can't be broken up, even if you don't like the significant other, but I think there's an exception for abusive situations.  Does anybody else have some insight?

annakb8

OK, I kind of missed the abusive part, but what Eagles said. 

chattychiqa

sigh.  This makes me so sad for your friend.  Etiquette can take a back seat when it comes to physical abuse...on the other hand, I completely agree that I'd worry what fate awated her when he saw that she was all gussied up and having a blast without him.  Chances are, he won't do anything to her in front of 100+ people.  That's of little comfort to you as her friend, I know...but this is a Sophie's choice situation.

I say invite him and pray she sees the light someday, sooner than later.

Speaking first hand from someone who was once married to someone physically and emotionally abusive, she will know when she's had enough, and you trying to make decisions for her (even if inadvertently, like excluding him from a celebration of love and partnership) will drive her away.  I promise you.

I'm sorry she (and you) are faced with this.

Carla1019

Since he is abusive and you already told her he wasn't invited and she said okay, personally, I would try to help her get out of the relationship via professional help. 

Then I would stick to my original arrangement with her and not invite him. Secretly I would hope she meets a nice guy at the wedding. Yes I know this is not proper etiquette, but this is what I would do.

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:0a39c87b-7b77-420c-b883-4af1a9fb05fb">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Since he is abusive and you already told her he wasn't invited and she said okay, personally, I would try to help her get out of the relationship via professional help.  Then I would stick to my original arrangement with her and not invite him. Secretly I would hope she meets a nice guy at the wedding. Yes I know this is not proper etiquette, but this is what I would do.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]
Well that's awesome of you. Perhaps you can go give your bad opinion somewhere else.

OP, you should listen to what Eagles and others have said about sucking it up to show support for her iin any way that you can WHILE ALSO trying to find ways to get her out of the relationship. 

I mean, I don't like it either, butmy experience with abusive people is that when you start pushing back, they get even more controlling and remove that person from your sphere and you wonät ever be able to help her.

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:a692f669-257f-45e2-aa4b-a59cc3c2f3a6">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Carla -- You may not see it as pushing back, but her boyfriend is abusive and controlling. By making her choose between her and you, you are putting her in a horrible position. If she chooses to go without him, he may see it as her 'betraying' him and him losing control, which could cause him to be even more violent and controlling. If she chooses to stay home with him to avoid confrontation, he has now proven that he is the most important thing in her life, thereby reinforcing his claim on her. The best thing to do is this situation is invite them both, hire a bouncer, and get her friend professional help.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

I appreciate your point. But let's look at it a different way. Unless I misread.

OP, was your guest list set when they were broken up? If so, and now they are back together. What if your budget could not accommodate him, now that they are back together? What would be the difference of not inviting him because he was not in your original guest count?

ETA: I might be asking a whole seperate question and off topic but isn't it B listing if someone enters into a relationship after invitations go out, and you include the new S/O? I could be wrong. 

Habs2Hart

Ditto the smart posters - aka, the one's who responding with proper etiquette and also thinking about how he may react to not getting invited.

If he's not invited, he may get very mad and try to keep her from you in the future.  You don't want that at all.  She needs all the friends she can get, especially when she's in an abusive relationship.  Suck it up and hope they behave. 

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:09c7fc7a-450b-433f-8373-1667fc71a7e7">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend? : It doesn't matter if they weren't together when the guest list was set up. When invitations are sent out, if they are together, he needs to be invited. This goes for every guest. And again, this is more than just a wedding invitation question. Her friend is in an abusive relationship. She should do everything she can to make this easier on her friend, not harder. <strong>Not inviting the boyfriend could make him even MORE controlling and violent. Why risk it?
</strong>Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Your right.

Snippylynn

Carla, as someone who grew up with an emotionally and physically abusive father, I can tell you for a fact that if someone told my mother that she was invited, but he wasn't, he would have made her pay.  He might pretend that things are fine, he might not even do anything right away to make her pay for it.  But he would be very, very insidious about how he ensure that she wouldn't see that person often anymore.  He'd be extra vicious to her, he'd do SOMETHING to get her back.  Trust me. I saw it happen. My father once held my sisters and I at gunpoint because mom went to the store after work and didn't tell him.

If you've never experienced abuse, you have no idea what those people are capable of.

kmkapaun

I have not sent out the invitations yet.  As far as supporting my friend, I and her other friends have spent hours apon hours helping her, advising her, begging her to seek help.  And she has been going to a counselor.  One of the big challenges for all her friends and family is that she lives in another state.  We are all at a loss and don't know what else to do to keep her safe from him.  It is her life and I can't make decisions for her but I was hoping by making a stand and telling her he isn't invited would 1)let her realze that I am not okay with how he is treating her. 2) Give her an opportunity to be around her close friends without his influence and 3) Let her possibly be around people who are more likely to be a postive influence.  and 4) And Ladies I know this is me being totally selfish-I do not know how I could possibly enjoy my wedding knowing he is there. He is so awful, it makes me sick to think about him being there.

Snippylynn

1 person in the midst of 100 others is really going to ruin your day?  I actually don't think so. 

I mean, if you want to take a stand, that's absolutely your choice.  You have to realize that this is the etiquette board, and we are going to give you the correct response according to that.  What YOU decide to do, is nothing we can control. Just be prepared for it to have lasting consequences in ways that you can't imagine.

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:2e49de7c-409a-4828-ba94-de1a9390d484">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Carla, as someone who grew up with an emotionally and physically abusive father, I can tell you for a fact that if someone told my mother that she was invited, but he wasn't, he would have made her pay.  He might pretend that things are fine, he might not even do anything right away to make her pay for it.  But he would be very, very insidious about how he ensure that she wouldn't see that person often anymore.  He'd be extra vicious to her, he'd do SOMETHING to get her back.  Trust me. I saw it happen. My father once held my sisters and I at gunpoint because mom went to the store after work and didn't tell him. If you've never experienced abuse, you have no idea what those people are capable of.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

This is terrible, sorry you had to deal with that!

I have not personally been in this situation but I have seen an abusive person hit his girlfriend in front of everyone at a party. The guys that were there did not stand idly by and a fight broke out. Everyone involved was taken to jail.

This is such a sad situation because everyone loses.

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:5fee9012-ff4c-4142-a002-166b3bea38d2">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have not sent out the invitations yet.  As far as supporting my friend, I and her other friends have spent hours apon hours helping her, advising her, begging her to seek help.  And she has been going to a counselor.  One of the big challenges for all her friends and family is that she lives in another state.  We are all at a loss and don't know what else to do to keep her safe from him.  It is her life and I can't make decisions for her but I was hoping by making a stand and telling her he isn't invited would 1)let her realze that I am not okay with how he is treating her. 2) Give her an opportunity to be around her close friends without his influence and 3) Let her possibly be around people who are more likely to be a postive influence.  and 4) And Ladies I know this is me being totally selfish-I do not know how I could possibly enjoy my wedding knowing he is there. He is so awful, it makes me sick to think about him being there.
Posted by kmkapaun[/QUOTE]
Or (5) create a situation in which she is not at your wedding for fear of reprisal from her boyfriend or (6) allow him to take his frustration out on her.

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:4f6c192e-46b5-42ae-8b4c-4adf70eee43d">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Kapaun -- There are lots of really good reasons in his thread as to why you need to invite him. You will spend minimal time with him on your wedding day. And if he gets violent, your bouncer (that you should hire) can escort him out. <strong>Not inviting him could be very dangerous for your friend. Don't be selfish. Do what is best to keep your friend safe.
</strong>Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

OP - Listen to these posters, but especially look at the bolded.  You being selfish could badly hurt your friend in the long run. 

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:91bde82e-f4b5-46ca-b1fd-a2447a356f48">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend? :  I have not personally been in this situation but I have seen an abusive person hit his girlfriend in front of everyone at a party. The guys that were there did not stand idly by and a fight broke out. Everyone involved was taken to jail. This is such a sad situation because everyone loses.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]
Okay?

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:5d5f317e-e8ec-4952-8df7-a669747e7de2">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I vote no. My moh is dating a doosher and no one likes him, he's abusive and controlling and it is understood that he is not invited and never will be aloud near anywhere a function that I am at or any other family member. Being polite is one thing but in my opinion this is a special circumstance and the rules do not apply.
Posted by kennazebrowsky[/QUOTE]

So when he beats your MOH to death for dancing with a guy while he wasn't there because a picture pops up on Facebook or something and he blows up, you're cool with that?

ETA:  You're probably going to say "but that would never happen" but someone who uses physical abuse to control someone else is capable of anything.  I'm not saying you need to support her relationship or tell her "he's great, go ahead and marry him," because it's obvious he's awful, and as a good friend you clearly want to do whatever you can to get her out of that situation.  That said, if you want to remain her good friend, part of your job is doing whatever you can to keep her <em>safe</em>, which sometimes means tolerating the abuser's presence.  If you're comfortable excluding him, I guess more power to you, but I've seen so many abused women suffer because of situations like this (hell, even getting an invite not addressed to both of them could be enough to provoke a beating) that I'd never risk isolating my friend just to make a point about her b/f.

RaptorSLH

I understand, and reluctantly agree with, the logic that "pushing back" will cause him to retaliate.  Unfortunately, I don't see hiring a bouncer as solving that problem.  Wouldn't throwing him out for causing a scene also be "pushing back," and have the same repercusions?

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:ce843677-309e-4ad2-9f87-f69dbc0f2003">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand, and reluctantly agree with, the logic that "pushing back" will cause him to retaliate.  Unfortunately, I don't see hiring a bouncer as solving that problem.  Wouldn't throwing him out for causing a scene also be "pushing back," and have the same repercusions?
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

Again, this is such a bad situation with many possible detrimental outcomes.  All I know is that at my wedding if a man put his hands on a woman I know many guests that will not wait until the bouncer throws him out. Then he will go home and blame her for all the guests defending her.

OP, I hope your friend gets the help she needs ASAP.

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:5d5f317e-e8ec-4952-8df7-a669747e7de2">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I vote no. My moh is dating a doosher and no one likes him, he's abusive and controlling and it is understood that he is not invited and never will be aloud near anywhere a function that I am at or any other family member. Being polite is one thing but in my opinion this is a special circumstance and the rules do not apply.
Posted by kennazebrowsky[/QUOTE]

Hi, did you read the thread and all of the well thought out replies with helpful and good advice in them?  Do you not realize the repercussions of not inviting an abusive person who is in a relationship with someone who is invited?  Not a good idea.  Don't be selfish.  Think of your friend's health and happiness.  Not inviting him to one event may seem like you're helping, but in fact, you could be creating even bigger problems for her.  Think again, and try not to post such bad advice. 

Oh, and good luck planning your wedding. 

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:ce843677-309e-4ad2-9f87-f69dbc0f2003">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand, and reluctantly agree with, the logic that "pushing back" will cause him to retaliate.  Unfortunately, I don't see hiring a bouncer as solving that problem.  Wouldn't throwing him out for causing a scene also be "pushing back," and have the same repercusions?
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

Honestly, my experience is that the vast, vast majority of abusers don't commit acts of physical abuse in public - I'm not saying it never happens, it certainly could, but I wouldn't be worried enough about it to hire a bouncer or anything.  And yes, anything that "goes wrong" at the wedding will probably be taken out on her, but if this were me, I'd rather take the (relatively slight) risk that he creates a scene at the wedding than face the (relatively certain) likelihood that not inviting him will mean my friend gets beaten.

Also, I'd strongly encourage my friend (assuming she's living with the abuser) to make copies of all of her important documents - birth certificate, drivers license, passport, bank records etc. - and leave them with me at my home, so she'll have access to everything she needs if she has to leave the abuser in a hurry.  I'd also encourage her to leave a bag of essentials (change of clothes, spare car keys, etc.) with me for the same reason. I'd make sure she knew my couch or guest room or whatever is always available for her, and I'd strongly encourage her to program the phone number to our local domestic abuse hotline into her phone (under an alias, of course, in case the abuser checks her phone).

kmkapaun

Since this question seems to have caused quite the debate I called a professional who deals with women in abusive relationships (which I should have just done in the first place) but I just want to share with you all what we talked about.  I'm sure some of you will disagree and thats fine I just want you to hear this.  I am going to stick to my original plan on not inviting the boyfriend.  I have made it clear to my friend that I am supportive of her and will be there for her when she is ready to leave the relationship.  As much as I have wished in the past, I can not control what she does.  She is choosing to go back to him regardless of all the help we have given her.  Because she has chosen to go back to him does not mean I have to invite him to my wedding.  This is my future husdand and my day, and ulitimately I need to take care of me and MFH.  I should not have to "suck it up" on MY day.  She is the one in control of her life, she is the one that decides to stay with him or not.  I will support her, but I do NOT support THEIR RELATIONSHIP.  I am putting my foot down and making it clear to her that it is NOT okay for him to be around My family and MY loved ones on the day I have been waiting my whole life to have.  Do I want her to be abused? OF COURSE NOT! But I can no more control her getting out of the relationship than I can control when or how he decides to inflict on her his horrible ways.  My wedding, her going to eat dinner with friends, her not coming home on time, or any other million reasons an abuser uses to abuse is beyond MY control. Even if I did invite him, I can't control her Not doing something to upset him.  All of you that have given the advice of inviting an abuser to a wedding are to put it nicely, completely wrong.  And shame on you for trying to make people who agreed with not inviting him feel awful and they are responsible for my friends future.  My friend is responsible for her OWN future, and she is the one that will decide when she is ready to leave and if she doesn't its HER CHOICE to stay.  And she knows that I will always be there for her when she is ready to leave him or to get real help. 

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:4be2515c-c8b4-44ed-8ff6-5a9d1675d515">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Since this question seems to have caused quite the debate I called a professional who deals with women in abusive relationships (which I should have just done in the first place) but I just want to share with you all what we talked about.  I'm sure some of you will disagree and thats fine I just want you to hear this.  I am going to stick to my original plan on not inviting the boyfriend.  I have made it clear to my friend that I am supportive of her and will be there for her when she is ready to leave the relationship.  As much as I have wished in the past, I can not control what she does.  She is choosing to go back to him regardless of all the help we have given her.  Because she has chosen to go back to him does not mean I have to invite him to my wedding.  This is my future husdand and my day, and ulitimately I need to take care of me and MFH.  I should not have to "suck it up" on MY day.  She is the one in control of her life, she is the one that decides to stay with him or not.  I will support her, but I do NOT support THEIR RELATIONSHIP.  I am putting my foot down and making it clear to her that it is NOT okay for him to be around My family and MY loved ones on the day I have been waiting my whole life to have.  Do I want her to be abused? OF COURSE NOT! But I can no more control her getting out of the relationship than I can control when or how he decides to inflict on her his horrible ways.  My wedding, her going to eat dinner with friends, her not coming home on time, or any other million reasons an abuser uses to abuse is beyond MY control. Even if I did invite him, I can't control her Not doing something to upset him.  All of you that have given the advice of inviting an abuser to a wedding are to put it nicely, completely wrong.  And shame on you for trying to make people who agreed with not inviting him feel awful and they are responsible for my friends future.  My friend is responsible for her OWN future, and she is the one that will decide when she is ready to leave and if she doesn't its HER CHOICE to stay.  And she knows that I will always be there for her when she is ready to leave him or to get real help. 
Posted by kmkapaun[/QUOTE]

Then don't invite her either.  You're clearly advocating the "tough love" approach that people take with substance abusers, but if that's the approach you're choosing to take, inviting her and not him makes no sense to me.  It's like saying to someone addicted to crack "well, you're invited to my wedding, but only if you don't bring any crack." 

Also, if you talked to a professional about it, why are you asking us?

Carla1019

I was very curious and I was researching Psychology Today to find out what the experts said. Please make sure the advise you are getting is from a true professional with a PH.D and not someone on a hotline that went through "training".

I'm not going to pretend I know the answer, but please if you are going to take any advise let it be from someone truly qualified to answer you. Not us and not some regular counselor.

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:4be2515c-c8b4-44ed-8ff6-5a9d1675d515">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Since this question seems to have caused quite the debate I called a professional who deals with women in abusive relationships (which I should have just done in the first place) but I just want to share with you all what we talked about.  I'm sure some of you will disagree and thats fine I just want you to hear this.  I am going to stick to my original plan on not inviting the boyfriend.  I have made it clear to my friend that I am supportive of her and will be there for her when she is ready to leave the relationship.  As much as I have wished in the past, I can not control what she does.  She is choosing to go back to him regardless of all the help we have given her.  Because she has chosen to go back to him does not mean I have to invite him to my wedding.  This is my future husdand and my day, and ulitimately I need to take care of me and MFH.  I should not have to "suck it up" on MY day.  She is the one in control of her life, she is the one that decides to stay with him or not.  I will support her, but I do NOT support THEIR RELATIONSHIP.  I am putting my foot down and making it clear to her that it is NOT okay for him to be around My family and MY loved ones on the day I have been waiting my whole life to have.  Do I want her to be abused? OF COURSE NOT! But I can no more control her getting out of the relationship than I can control when or how he decides to inflict on her his horrible ways.  My wedding, her going to eat dinner with friends, her not coming home on time, or any other million reasons an abuser uses to abuse is beyond MY control. Even if I did invite him, I can't control her Not doing something to upset him.  All of you that have given the advice of inviting an abuser to a wedding are to put it nicely, completely wrong.  And shame on you for trying to make people who agreed with not inviting him feel awful and they are responsible for my friends future.  My friend is responsible for her OWN future, and she is the one that will decide when she is ready to leave and if she doesn't its HER CHOICE to stay.  And she knows that I will always be there for her when she is ready to leave him or to get real help. 
Posted by kmkapaun[/QUOTE]
You sound super mature. Way to go. You suck.  You and YOUR DAY suck.

Congratulations.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:1757bdcc-d5a2-4cca-bd54-5f731c2bbc69">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend? : You sound super mature. Way to go. You suck.  You and YOUR DAY suck. Congratulations.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

But Snippy, it's HER SPECIAL DAY.  She shouldn't have to deal with uncomfortable things like the domestic abuse of her friend on HER SPECIAL DAY.  That's just icky.

RaptorSLH

kmka - I respect that you have a tough choice to make, and that there is no good answer to your dilemma.  I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, and asking a professional was a reasonable step.  But you should know that the last time the question came up on here, a professional who works with battered women did post.  She agreed with the majority logic here.  They may have been unduly harsh to dissenting opinions, but they too, have a good reason for their answer.

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-bridesmaids-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f323b98-e2dc-4640-b8b3-03c28fab6ce4Post:4be2515c-c8b4-44ed-8ff6-5a9d1675d515">Re: Should I invite my bridesmaids boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Since this question seems to have caused quite the debate I called a professional who deals with women in abusive relationships (which I should have just done in the first place) but I just want to share with you all what we talked about.  I'm sure some of you will disagree and thats fine I just want you to hear this.  I am going to stick to my original plan on not inviting the boyfriend.  I have made it clear to my friend that I am supportive of her and will be there for her when she is ready to leave the relationship.  As much as I have wished in the past, I can not control what she does.  She is choosing to go back to him regardless of all the help we have given her.  Because she has chosen to go back to him does not mean I have to invite him to my wedding.  This is my future husdand and my day, and ulitimately I need to take care of me and MFH.  I should not have to "suck it up" on <strong>MY day</strong>.  She is the one in control of her life, she is the one that decides to stay with him or not.  I will support her, but I do NOT support THEIR RELATIONSHIP.  I am putting my foot down and making it clear to her that it is NOT okay for him to be around My family and MY loved ones on the day I have been waiting my whole life to have.  Do I want her to be abused? OF COURSE NOT! But I can no more control her getting out of the relationship than I can control when or how he decides to inflict on her his horrible ways.  My wedding, her going to eat dinner with friends, her not coming home on time, or any other million reasons an abuser uses to abuse is beyond <strong>MY</strong> control. Even if I did invite him, I can't control her Not doing something to upset him.  <strong>All of you that have given the advice of inviting an abuser to a wedding are to put it nicely, completely wrong.</strong>  And shame on you for trying to make people who agreed with not inviting him feel awful and they are responsible for my friends future.  My friend is responsible for her OWN future, and she is the one that will decide when she is ready to leave and if she doesn't its HER CHOICE to stay.  And she knows that I will always be there for her when she is ready to leave him or to get real help. 
Posted by kmkapaun[/QUOTE]

Well aren't you a special kind of something. 

Enjoy your day.  I hope your friend's well being is not damaged by your lack of caring and etiquette on your spayshul day. 

Snippylynn

It's not like this is the first time we've heard this situation.  It is, sadly, rather common. 

RaptorSLH

I understand, but this is clearly a volatile subject.  At this point, we have posters on both sides insulting each other, neither really listening to the concerns of the other.  Not that I really expect to change that, but I feel obligated to try.

To be honest, I even feel like the "my special day" argument has some merit.  No one wants to see the victim hurt as a result of their choice.  But this guy has a history of creating a public scene, even at once-in-a-lifetime celebrations.  As you agreed with me, attempting to rein him in or kick him out once the scene has started would likely have the same end result as not inviting him.  That would leave the only "safe" choices as allowing the public scene and abuse at her wedding, or forgoing the big group celebration entirely.  And afterwards?  When the happy couple has sacrificed their wedding plans to keep her safe?  Nothing has changed.  She's still in an abusive relationship.  She's still in danger.  He's still going to find an excuse to hurt her.  You have given up your only wedding celebration for nothing.  Frankly, I think that would be harder than most people here seem willing to credit.  I understand where some would be willing to make that sacrifice (or believe that they would,) but I don't think hesitating to make such a choice deserves the kind of mockery it's receiving here.