Is this rude?

ItalianViolinist

Hello ladies.

I wrote a similar post on the chit chat forum a couple days ago, but just wanted to get some more opinions about when my cocktail hour should begin.

My wedding ceremony will go from 3:00-3:30 or 3:40. I'm wondering if it is rude to start cocktail hour at 5:00. My reception venue and the church are approximately 10 minutes away from each other. The issue is, I am trying to take photos after the ceremony with my and FI's family, full bridal party, and bride & groom shots. I'll do as many of the others as possible before the ceremony.

Is it rude to make my guests wait that long if I mention it clearly with starting times, etc on the formal wedding invitations?

Thanks a lot for your help!

ItalianViolinist

...Or maybe I should just give in and do a "First Look" photo session. Have any of you married ladies done a First Look? If so, did you enjoy that experience? I'm so back and forth on this, because I'm dying to see my fiance's face when I walk down the aisle for the first time, but on the other hand, I don't want to be stressed about taking photos after the ceremony and making my guests wait.

nda_roxybabe

Well, you can take photos during cocktail hour. You would just miss the cocktail hour which is pretty normal. I hate waiting.

ItalianViolinist

I would, but my photographer seems to think it will take longer than an hour since we have big families. Hmmm...

nda_roxybabe

Well, if you get all wedding party shots ahead of time you should be okay. T's sister did her group photos with all family during cocktail hour and it did not take longer than an hour. Even so, have cocktail hour immediately following the ceremony, take the pictures during that time. If you run over an hour by a bit then you do. I'd rather be waiting at cocktail hour where there's food and drinks then figuring out what to do with myself during that empty space.

thesuninherhead

I'm with Roxy, do the bulk of the bridal party shots separately beforehand, then do the bridal party/family shots directly afterwards, and then have cocktail hour start while you guys do your portraits together. 

Avion22

I've seen it done both ways.  I've been to a few weddings where I had to find some way to entertain myself for an hour or so before the cocktail hour started.  Not a big deal, but if you're from out of town, it can be hard to know what to do.  

If the hotel most guests are staying at is conveniently located, maybe your guests will have time to stop by their rooms between the ceremony and reception?   Sometimes it's nice to have a chance to freshen up a bit between the two.

If there isn't time to go back to the hotel in between, then as a guest I think I'd rather go to something immediately.  Maybe start your cocktails at 4, and some kind of of crudite or whatever while you do your photos.   Maybe have some kind of music (can even be an ipod with a playlist) to give people a chance to mingle.  If you have a photo guest book or something, this will also give your guests a chance to do that while they mingle.   

cathycoyle28

Its very common where i come from (ireland) to have a gap between the ceremony and the cocktail hr/reception, to us this is normal. I mean, like iv been to weddings where the starts at 12pm, over at 1pm, and reception wont begin til 5pm. I know it sounds mad, but its how we do it over there. im getting married in 8weeks, in NY, and i have a 2 and a half hr wait.

banana468

I've heard the wait is almost preferred in NYC. I can tell you that in CT you'd just be irritating me.

tayylor65

I would do a "first look" or if you don't want to see your FI before the ceremony, get as many of the family portraits done prior to the ceremony so it just take 15-30 minutes to get the photos of you and your H.  Don't have a large gap in between ceremony and cocktails, people will go home.  I went to a wedding a couple years ago who did this; I went home, my parents sat around in the hotel lobby for 2 hours twiddling their thumbs and a lot of people were semi-cranky by the time the reception began from being bored waiting for so long.

lyndausvi

Well our ceremony and reception were at the same location.   So we missed most of our cocktail party to do pictures.  That is what most people do in our circle.  

While gaps are not popular in my group I would find an hour wait quite annoying. I mean what am I suppose to do? Unless I lived really close by driving home and then to the reception would just be a waste of gas.  

If your ceremony is over at 3:40.. I would start the cocktail party at 4pm.  If you do most of your BP and family shots before the ceremony you can bang out the other shots in about an hour and make it to the last part of the cocktail party.

kmmssg

The idea behind the cocktail hour is for you to take that time to finish up your pictures during that time.  You are providing hospitiality for your guests at that time.  If you are holding up cocktail hour so you can be there after pictures, then yes, I think it's rude.

Just to be fair - I am in the camp that says gaps are rude.

sarabellam

I would be seriously annoyed at that gap. We did pictures beforehand, and wouldn't have had it any other way.

Brandiewine11

I'd be really annoyed by this. If the gap is really long, while annoying, I could do something else. This would just stink because your guests will just be sitting around. The cocktail hour is to entertain your guests while you do pics so it is not nice to make them wait on you with nothing to do. Do what pics you can before then finish after so you don't miss the whole cocktail hour, but please don't make your guests wait around for you.

ShakeUpTampa

We just figured out our game plan yesterday after booking the ceremony site (about 8 miles away from reception)

I arrive at bridal suite at 12:30 ( we have 2hrs before ceremony) so in that time finish getting ready and have mother/daughter photo/ bride flowergirl pics...me and bridesmaid pics

The guys will show up on site but be on the other side of the ranch about 30 min before reception or an hour and take their group shots/solo shots with the other photographer

Ceremony: After ceremony the coordinator is holding our guests hostage for about 20-30 minutes while we start our group photos/couple photos (Giving the D J and a few others time to hop over to reception, fill the drink fountains, pull appetizers, and set up his equipment there)---

You figure Ceremony is 20-30 min so we are at 3pm now...and then hold guests and we are offering them to take photos themselves with the animals on the ranch and scenery...that goes to 3:30

Cocktail and appetizers start at 4pm...we should arrive by 4:30ish, Dinner served at 5ish..

Not set in STONE yet but because of having to go to a different place we wanted leeway for a group to get there and finish up real quick, I think also putting the exact times on there once settled is great!

Wiscisbliss

I think I posted to your original message.  I'd have to cocktail hour at 4. 

We did our pictures during the cocktail hour (yes, 1 hour).  We did not see each other before the wedding, we only did guy photos and girl photos before.  The family, BP, and 2 of us pics were all done during the cocktail hour. 

mica178

It's preferable (in my opinion) to avoid a gap or host something for guests during the gap time.  That's the traditional reason for the cocktail hour.  If you think that pictures will take longer than an hour, consider either taking some of the pictures before the ceremony or having a longer hosted appetizer time.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-rude-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f7c7bd9-5968-431b-aad4-caf4e912d28ePost:6c9a2911-171b-46bb-a6c5-e4fc7872cc37">Re: Is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]We just figured out our game plan yesterday after booking the ceremony site (about 8 miles away from reception) I arrive at bridal suite at 12:30 ( we have 2hrs before ceremony) so in that time finish getting ready and have mother/daughter photo/ bride flowergirl pics...me and bridesmaid pics The guys will show up on site but be on the other side of the ranch about 30 min before reception or an hour and take their group shots/solo shots with the other photographer Ceremony<strong>: After ceremony the coordinator is holding our guests hostage for about 20-30 minutes while we start our group photos/couple photos (Giving the D J and a few others time to hop over to reception, fill the drink fountains, pull appetizers, and set up his equipment there)--- </strong>You figure Ceremony is 20-30 min so we are at 3pm now...and then hold guests and we are offering them to take photos themselves with the animals on the ranch and scenery...that goes to 3:30 Cocktail and appetizers start at 4pm...we should arrive by 4:30ish, Dinner served at 5ish.. Not set in STONE yet but because of having to go to a different place we wanted leeway for a group to get there and finish up real quick, I think also putting the exact times on there once settled is great!
Posted by ShakeUpTampa[/QUOTE]

<div>That makes no sense to me.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm assuming the DJ is a friend?  If not then he/she can setup during the ceremony.  If he is, then he should setup before the ceremony.</div><div>
</div><div>This might be a good reason to get a day of coordinator.  They can fill the drink fountains up so your guests do not have to be help hostage.</div>

jcamm11

My first suggestion would be for you to do the "first look" photo and do your photos before the ceremony if you are OK doing that.  That is what we are doing.  If not, how long do you have the photographer for?  You could take as many photos as you can during cocktail hour, then finish after dinner.

ItalianViolinist

Thank you ladies, and thanks to those of you who took the time to answer me again on this post! You are all very helpful.

Well, I talked to FI and he does not want to do a first look, so we will do all BM, GM, & family photos without bride & groom together before the ceremony and leave the family photos with us together, full BP, and bride & groom shots for afterwards.

I think I will also push my wedding back to 4:00 so that it will end at 4:40. Cocktails start at 5:00 and go till 6:00, then dinner starts at 6:00.

Does the time I have allotted for the photos after the ceremony sound like enough? 1 hour for combined family photos, full BP, and bride & groom shots?

One additional question: I'm going to try and do my receiving line at the reception, or go to every table instead of doing it after the ceremony so we can be in time for cocktails and dinner. Is that considered rude, or acceptable? Sorry for all the questions... I'm not from the USA, neither is FI, and neither of our parents ever had an official wedding, so I'm a total newbie at this.

Thanks so much, I really appreciate it!!!

ndruley

I don't know if its rude or not, but I think its completely up to you and how you want your day to run. I have been to 20 plus weddings and at about half of them were time gaps. I was never annoyed by how a couple's day was planned.
For my own wedding we will have a 2 hour time gap...not my first choice but the latest I could have my ceremony at my church is 2pm and the earliest I could start my reception was 5pm. Its just how it is so do it how you WANT to do it and if people are annoyed by it then SO WHAT!?

mica178

OP - I like your new plan.  It sounds great.  Yes, I think you can finish all your pictures in the alloted time.

ndruley -- sorry, but you have a horrible attitude.  I think it's important to take care of your guests, and if they're annoyed by the way you've scheduled your day, that's something to be concerned about, not think "so what?"

cmalchow

we are starting our ceremony at 5 and our cocktail hour at 6:30.  we anticipate a ceremony of 30-40 minutes, so there will be a gap of roughly 50-60 minutes.

our venues are exactly 1 mile apart.

we kinda had to do this because our coordinator was concerned that most people don't rush out of a ceremony to get to a reception...they talk, they mingle, etc.  my coordinator was concerned that if didn't have a gap, the cocktail hour would seem short for many people or feel rushed straight to dinner.

our reception is also in a bar, so if guests are early, they can have a drink at the bar while waiting....

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-rude-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f7c7bd9-5968-431b-aad4-caf4e912d28ePost:4d1bb428-cb53-4654-921d-7e6ab48573f4">Re: Is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you ladies, and thanks to those of you who took the time to answer me again on this post! You are all very helpful. Well, I talked to FI and he does not want to do a first look, so we will do all BM, GM, & family photos without bride & groom together before the ceremony and leave the family photos with us together, full BP, and bride & groom shots for afterwards. I think I will also push my wedding back to 4:00 so that it will end at 4:40. Cocktails start at 5:00 and go till 6:00, then dinner starts at 6:00. Does the time I have allotted for the photos after the ceremony sound like enough? 1 hour for combined family photos, full BP, and bride & groom shots? <strong>One additional question: I'm going to try and do my receiving line at the reception, or go to every table instead of doing it after the ceremony so we can be in time for cocktails and dinner. Is that considered rude, or acceptable?</strong> Sorry for all the questions... I'm not from the USA, neither is FI, and neither of our parents ever had an official wedding, so I'm a total newbie at this. Thanks so much, I really appreciate it!!!
Posted by ItalianViolinist[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm from NY and as Banana said the gaps are very common there and appreciated (all of NY state from what i've noticed).  But obviously many other places and people don't like the gap.  I think your new plan sounds great though.  And like Roxy said, if anything your cocktail hour can run a little longer if needed since people will have food and drinks.</div><div>
</div><div>As for not doing a receiving line, yes it is perfectly acceptable to do table visits instead.  I personally hate the receiving line because it just leads to a ton of standing around.  We had about 25 tables and had no problem getting around to all of them before the end of dinner.  Focus on doing family and adult guests tables first, since you will likely be spending a lot of time on the dance floor with your friends.</div>

ItalianViolinist

Thank you all!!! I feel so much better now

ItalianViolinist

[QUOTE]we are starting our ceremony at 5 and our cocktail hour at 6:30.  we anticipate a ceremony of 30-40 minutes, so there will be a gap of roughly 50-60 minutes. our venues are exactly 1 mile apart. <strong>we kinda had to do this because our coordinator was concerned that most people don't rush out of a ceremony to get to a reception...they talk, they mingle, etc. </strong> my coordinator was concerned that if didn't have a gap, the cocktail hour would seem short for many people or feel rushed straight to dinner. our reception is also in a bar, so if guests are early, they can have a drink at the bar while waiting....
Posted by cmalchow[/QUOTE]

To be honest, this also crossed my mind! People don't just usually file out immediately. Especially since most of my guests know each other, I feel like they'll want to mingle a bit, which is good! :)

ellie_spoutz

i personally haven't been to any with gaps yet, but i'd prefer it as a guest, because  i've gone to weddings and by the time we eat, i'm starving. The last one I went to my sister, niece and I hurried to eat between and got there just before the bride and groom and we ate really fast. I prefer some time to eat, get refreshed, etc as a guest, personally, but that's just me. 

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-rude-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f7c7bd9-5968-431b-aad4-caf4e912d28ePost:2f6e45f6-45bb-4c83-b3a6-0c212267951c">Re: Is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]i personally haven't been to any with gaps yet, but i'd prefer it as a guest, because  i've gone to weddings and by the time we eat, i'm starving. The last one I went to my sister, niece and I hurried to eat between and got there just before the bride and groom and we ate really fast. I prefer some time to eat, get refreshed, etc as a guest, personally, but that's just me. 
Posted by ellie_spoutz[/QUOTE]

<div>Do you not get fed during the cocktail hour?  If you went right from the ceremony to the reception, there should be food immediately, so I don't follow what you're saying.  </div><div>
</div><div>I don't like gaps and I think I've only been to one wedding that had one (a Catholic ceremony in MA), and I've been to plenty of NY weddings.  At the one in MA, the gap was maybe an hour or so of downtime, because there was some travel from the church to the hotel and then from the hotel to the reception venue.  It was weird because there wasn't really enough time to lie down and watch TV or something, so we just ended up figuring out our transportation and sitting around.  </div>

ellie_spoutz

I've only been to one wedding that had a cocktail hour, now that I think  about it and they did have servers walking around with trays of teriyaki chicken and steak. yum..... 

we got 1 piece and kept trying to follow the guy around to get another, but with over 100 people on a little terrace with 1 guy having a tray, it didn't do much for us... and we didn't eat before this one. They needed more servers/food for that many people, but they usually don't tell you that ahead,so that's why we usually like to eat. The 1 piece we got was really good, though, but by the time we had dinner and got release for the buffet and waited in line, everyone from our table was complaining they were starving and i only knew 3 other people at my table of 10. 

All the weddings i've been to, aside from 1 i wasn't engaged yet, so that opinion was from a guest, not bride point of view. There's nothing worse than drinking on an empty stomach. eek. 

Beachy730

Lucy, for me I prefer the gap because it lets me change between the ceremony and reception, and usually we will grab a drink before we go.  Especially if it is a church ceremony, I wouldn't dress the same for a mass or have the same hair and makeup as I would for an evening reception.  I know in the past I've seen people say just wear dresses with shawls or something, but it's just my preference.  If there wasn't a gap, I would figure it out obviously, but I just like having one.  I guess it's also being a creature of habit too, and all I know is weddings with gaps so I like it.  Obviously the exception would be when the ceremony and reception are in the same location.  

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-rude-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f7c7bd9-5968-431b-aad4-caf4e912d28ePost:16aba10e-d4ff-4ed4-bcf7-03af89ee9c17">Re: Is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest, this also crossed my mind! People don't just usually file out immediately. Especially since most of my guests know each other, I feel like they'll want to mingle a bit, which is good! :)
Posted by ItalianViolinist[/QUOTE]

<div>They do in my family.  But we are a bunch of alcoholics and always have open bars.  Who wants to mill around a church when there is an open bar waiting and you can still talk to the same people there?</div>