Unwanted Aunt

cassielovesbrian

I have a Great Aunt I did not invite to the wedding. I have numerous reasons I don't want to invite her- from recently finding out she screwed over my mother financially, to her most recent "Holiday Newsletter" where she announced her daughter's 25th wedding anniversary and later in the letter snarkily mentioned that the (same) daughter was getting a divorce after her husband left her. I just find her a little tacky and inconsiderate. She also has a tendency to make random things up and spread rumors.

Anyway, I wouldn't have invited her children, except my mom was talking to them- mentioned the date and they marked their calenders. As I really like both the children, I figured OK. But now, the invites have gone out and the aunt asked my mom why she wasn't invited. I told my mom to have her talk to me. That was 4 weeks ago- today she contacted me asking if she could be involved because she felt like she was "Looking in."

I can't use the generic "Small wedding" Because both her children are invited. I don't want to bring up why I don't care for her----- unless I have to. Does anyone have any sweet short answers on how I can say "Thank you for the congratulations but I do not want you there."???

Thank you all!

Kristin789

"What?  Oh, I'm surprised that you are asking about this, because of the history of financial problems between you and our family."

cassielovesbrian

My mom said it's my decision, she's incredibly supportive. My dad joked that if the aunt comes he won't.
I really don't want to dredge up drama, I just want to politely say, "I don't want you there."

I've written this:

Thank you so much for the congratulations. As I'm sure you know although planning a wedding is an incredibly fun and special experience, it can also be stressful- especially when it comes to the guest list. Both Brian and I have had to make difficult decisions when it came to the guest list and I am sorry you feel left out. Thank you for understanding!

But I don't know if that's too much or not enough. I'm suddenly regretting my "mature" decision to handle this myself.

jessicabessica

I don't really think there's anything you can say to make her not upset.  You don't have to invite her, but if all the other great aunts/uncles and the family all around her were invited, then I see why she feels hurt.  I don't know if she is manipulative or what her relationship is like with her children, but I think you may need to be prepared for her kids (or maybe other family members) to decline if she convinces them you're horrible.  

If it were me, I would have invited her.  It seems like all the problems you have with her are because of things she did to other people.  She doesn't have to be your favorite aunt, but refusing to move passed harm she caused to someone else when that person herself has already moved on is not a great thing in many cases, IMO.

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unwanted-aunt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f9ae4f4-fa52-400d-97b2-f5eb62970016Post:8eebdae9-5b58-4f8f-900c-096c8159e03e">Re: Unwanted Aunt</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly?  I'd take the high road and invite her.  Otherwise you'll be hearing about this forever.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

This.  If your mom is cool with her being there and she doesn't have a history of making a scene or misbehaving in public then I'd say take a deep breath and invite her.  You will be so busy and surrounded by loved ones on that day I guarantee she will be the last thing on your mind.  She doesn't have to sit right in front of you.  And you'll come off as the mature one who took the high ground since others know what she did.

Loopyseven

In Response to Re:Unwanted Aunt:[QUOTE]I don't really think there's anything you can say to make her not upset. nbsp;You don't have to invite her, but if all the other great aunts/uncles and the family all around her were invited, then I see why she feels hurt. nbsp;I don't know if she is manipulative or what her relationship is like with her children, but I think you may need to be prepared for her kids or maybe other family members to decline if she convinces them you're horrible. nbsp;If it were me, I would have invited her. nbsp;It seems like all the problems you have with her are because of things she did to other people. nbsp;She doesn't have to be your favorite aunt, but refusing to move passed harm she caused to someone else when that person herself has already moved on is not a great thing in many cases, IMO. Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this.

[Deleted User]

I think I would send her an invite & just treat her like anyone else. It will make it easier for you in the long run and for her children because it sounds like she might torture them with "you were invited & I wasn't" type of stuff. Chances all your other relatives there know how she is and won't really pay attention to her. I know it's probably not ideal, but it may be the easiest thing to do down the road.

NOLAbridealmost

I think you handled it fine but I'd cut the wedding planning being "fun and special" part.

SilverSarahB

Meh.  I have family I won't be inviting as well.  If asked, which I doubt I will be, I'd probably say something along the lines of "I invited the family that I knew would be happy and supportive of my marriage, and my guest list is now finalized."  I would certainly WANT to say "Why on earth do you think you'd be invited after how awful you are every time I see you, hoebag" but I think you can still be socially appropriate and be truthful.  

cassielovesbrian

Thank you for actually answering my question- <3 The second part is definitely how I'm feeling.
I settled with:
Thank you so much for the congratulations. As I'm sure you know although planning a wedding is an incredibly fun and exciting experience, it can also be stressful- especially when it comes to the guest list. Recently, things have come to my attention that make me uncomfortable. While I enjoyed our relationship growing up, we are focused on making our day as happy as possible, and Brian and I are happy with the guest list as it is. Thank you for understanding.

My mom, (awesome) aunt, and I discussed it for over an hour this morning and decided that if I should mention that she makes me uncomfortable- it helps establish that she will not be bullying  or intimidating me into changing my mind. Good luck with your family as well xoxoxo


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unwanted-aunt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f9ae4f4-fa52-400d-97b2-f5eb62970016Post:7539d210-db36-4c4d-bcd1-2374874a1c00">Re: Unwanted Aunt</a>:
[QUOTE]Meh.  I have family I won't be inviting as well.  If asked, which I doubt I will be, I'd probably say something along the lines of "I invited the family that I knew would be happy and supportive of my marriage, and my guest list is now finalized."  I would certainly WANT to say "Why on earth do you think you'd be invited after how awful you are every time I see you, hoebag" but I think you can still be socially appropriate and be truthful.  
Posted by SilverSarahB[/QUOTE]

cassielovesbrian

Thanks xoxo
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unwanted-aunt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f9ae4f4-fa52-400d-97b2-f5eb62970016Post:21b6c168-e5da-4d33-b949-82d7e50d87bf">Re: Unwanted Aunt</a>:
[QUOTE]"I'm sorry, but my list can't accommodate additional guests.  I look forward to seeing you after the wedding." (Even if you don't).
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

32daisies

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unwanted-aunt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f9ae4f4-fa52-400d-97b2-f5eb62970016Post:7539d210-db36-4c4d-bcd1-2374874a1c00">Re: Unwanted Aunt</a>:
[QUOTE]Meh.  I have family I won't be inviting as well.  If asked, which I doubt I will be, I'd probably say something along the lines of "I invited the family that I knew would be happy and supportive of my marriage, and my guest list is now finalized."  I would certainly WANT to say "Why on earth do you think you'd be invited after how awful you are every time I see you, hoebag" but I think you can still be socially appropriate and be truthful.  
Posted by SilverSarahB[/QUOTE]

Oh, this, a thousand times. Sometimes, as OP mentioned, we have to not let ourselves be bullied. I have some non-invites too, for reasons that are not worth going into, but my decision was made with myself, my FH, and my loving, supportive family in mind, and is final. So do what you have to, with grace, and don't look back.

lily_721

For my first wedding, my dad wanted me to invite his hateful sister.  I did while thinking she would never show up.  We lived 10+ states away.  She showed up and was as difficult as ever.  When I married DH, my dad asked me again to invite his sister.  I said no.  She has never been part of my life and it didn't want to see her.  Her son had the nerve to ask why he wasn't invited.  I don't like any of them and never have.  I'm not going to pretend that I do.  I don't want their craziness in my life. 

Sometimes it is OK to just say no.