Marrying early, party later--is this ok?

Wikkan

Hi!

This is my first post here so I hope I'm on the right board.  My fiancee and I have decided for medical insurance reasons to marry early at the courthouse and have our reception on the originally planned date of the wedding at our venue in September of 2012.  It is a 2nd wedding for us both.  Is it ok to still do this?  I feel weird in some ways having done this especially since everyone will know why we chose to marry early.  We've considered keeping the wedding secret but neither of us really want to do that, either, as we'd prefer to just have the party and neither of us are good at keeping that big of a secret!

I'd love some other opinions.  Just not sure of the etiquette involved for this type of thing.

Thanks so much,

Cam

Habs2Hart

As long as you aren't pretending you aren't married, you should be fine.  No ceremony, right?

Snippylynn

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

kmmssg

Ditto Habs.  Don't even consider the secrecy thing.

TheSlowskys

It's only 3 mos. You can't get any insurance to cover that gap? No matter the reasoning I side eye anyone that has a vow renewal or gets married before the reception.

JaxInBlue

The reception is technically a thank you for the guests who witnessed your wedding.  If you need to marry earlier than your previously planned date, whatever you do, whether it's lunch or dinner or just drinks and cake, to thank your witnesses on that day is your reception.  What you would have in September would then be a party.  You would need to minimize the wedding aspects of that event - no bridal party, no spotlight dances; it's now more along the lines of an anniversary party - nice outfit, yes, but maybe not a wedding dress with veil, toasts if people offer them and a cake cutting (maybe), but minimal references to being the bride and groom since you will have already been married for some time.

And people absolutely should know that you already married.  To do otherwise could be very hurtful to your guests. 

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marrying-early-party-later-is-this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fb62376-2040-43a7-a6dd-8cc855ae8788Post:6409f0f3-869e-45f6-a2fc-cdccb84e102d">Marrying early, party later--is this ok?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi! This is my first post here so I hope I'm on the right board.  My fiancee and I have decided for medical insurance reasons to marry early at the courthouse and have our reception on the originally planned date of the wedding at our venue in September of 2012.  It is a 2nd wedding for us both.  Is it ok to still do this?  I feel weird in some ways having done this especially since everyone will know why we chose to marry early.  We've considered keeping the wedding secret but neither of us really want to do that, either, as we'd prefer to just have the party and neither of us are good at keeping that big of a secret! I'd love some other opinions.  Just not sure of the etiquette involved for this type of thing. Thanks so much, Cam
Posted by Wikkan[/QUOTE]

Agree with the others about saying no to secretly marrying.  Glad to hear that you don't think that's the way to go either.

I'm not sure what medical insurance reasons you're referring to, but September is just around the corner.  Is it not possible to hold off until then with your current coverage or buying some short term coverage so that you can continue with the ceremony in Sep. as planned?

Have invitations gone out yet? What about STDs?

Mrs.B6302007

Oh wait.  ARE you already married now? 

HandBanana

Really think about this before you do it. I thought I was going to HAVE to do something similar just to have insurance but I did research and found another option. Not saying our situations are the same but really look into this. If you go through with it, do not do it in secrecy. Also, you will need to change the wording of your invites because it is no longer a wedding but a reception correct me if I am wrong. I wouldn't call it a VR because it will only have been a few months.

Summer2011Bride

Definitely don't keep the marriage a secret.

Frankly I wouldn't consider it a reception if it is that far after your wedding. A reception happens after the ceremony and is a thank you to the guests who attended the ceremony. So if you do have anyone come witness you get married, you should take them out for lunch or dinner or something after.

What you want to do in Sept., I would just call a party. Host a party for family and friends but don't have a WP, or cake cutting or any of the wedding "stuff." Just have some good food, maybe a DJ or music and have a good time but don't make it into a wedding reception.

HandBanana

In Response to Re:Marrying early, party lateris this ok?:[QUOTE]The reception is technically a thank you for the guests who witnessed your wedding.nbsp; If you need to marry earlier than your previously planned date, whatever you do, whether it's lunch or dinner or just drinks and cake, to thank your witnesses on that day is your reception.nbsp; What you would have in September would then be a party.nbsp; You would need to minimize the wedding aspects of that event no bridal party, no spotlight dances; it's now more along the lines of an anniversary party nice outfit, yes, but maybe not a wedding dress with veil, toasts if people offer them and a cake cutting maybe, but minimal references to being the bride and groom since you will have already been married for some time.And people absolutely should know that you already married.nbsp; To do otherwise could be very hurtful to your guests.nbsp; Posted by JaclyneD[/QUOTE]

I thought it was also to receive the newly married couple. I really don't have problems with JOP and then receptions. This is assuming the reception isn't a PPD, wedding redo, or over the top at all and guests are aware that the couple is already married.

Wikkan

Whew!  Thanks everyone, I will just call it a party.  And no, we aren't already married.  I wish we could get temp insurance coverage but it isn't possible with our situation, believe me, I've looked!  This is our best bet.  The STD cards are out but not invitations so we're ok, I can get those reprinted as we're having a tiny party to begin with.  This was only a 45 person event anyway so I'm not looking at a huge event to replan.  I just don't want to be weird about it if it was inappropriate to have a celebration party.  

Your help so far has been wonderful!  Thanks for the help!  

Cam

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marrying-early-party-later-is-this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fb62376-2040-43a7-a6dd-8cc855ae8788Post:dec9f99b-2aab-4a11-a5f9-7975f4433fec">Re: Marrying early, party later--is this ok?</a>:
[QUOTE]The insurance thing really, really creases me.  I have no employer-offered health insurance.  In April I managed to get a bare-bones stopgap policy to get me through until next month, but I had been without insurance for eighteen months at that point.  It never occurred to us to go to the courthouse just so I could get on his policy, because I unashamedly want the big fancy wedding and I'm not going to cut corners.  Until then, I'll suck it up (and deal with the migraines that hit every few days).  Oh, and my prescription costs without insurance?  About $150 a month.    I hate the insurance excuse.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]
You complete me.

skantrowitz

I went to a wedding like this a few years ago.  They re-enacted the ceremony, which was too weird for me, so we didn't end up going to that part.  Personally I think it's okay if you wear your dress and have a cake and whatnot, as long as you don't try to pretend you "just" got married.

Good luck!

Wikkan

Just for the record, we're up to $6000 and counting for a recent hospital bill for my fiancee so it is imperative he get on my insurance ASAP.  He can't get a bare-bones policy due to pre-existing conditions.  Between his meds and mine, out of pocket, even with my insurance, it will cost about $700 a month.  So insurance is critical for him and with a recent illness it has become even more so.  I know it is only three months but his recent health downturn could ruin us financially for a long time.  I'm trying to protect us and our future.  

Hopefully that makes sense and I sure appreciate all the advice here about how to do it right and still entertain our guests properly!  I want to celebrate our day and not be inappropriate about it.    I'm so happy to marry him and want to share it with our friends and family.

Thanks!

HandBanana

In Response to Re:Marrying early, party lateris this ok?:[QUOTE]The insurance thing really, really creases me.nbsp; I have no employeroffered health insurance.nbsp; In April I managed to get a barebones stopgap policy to get me through until next month, but I had been without insurance for eighteen months at that point.nbsp; It never occurred to us to go to the courthouse just so I could get on his policy, because I unashamedly want the big fancy wedding and I'm not going to cut corners.nbsp; Until then, I'll suck it up and deal with the migraines that hit every few days.nbsp; Oh, and my prescription costs without insurance?nbsp; About 150 a month. nbsp;nbsp; I hate the insurance excuse. Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

I get annoyed by the military ones who then tell me it happens all the time in the military and since I am not a military couple stfu. Ugh no. My brother by another mother is a Marine. When he found out he was being sent to Afghanistan, he and FI planned and had a huge WEDDING in less than two months.

jessicabessica

@Eagles--I get what you are saying and I agree that insurance is not a good excuse for marrying in secret or anything like that, but I wanted to respectfully point out that there are people that (currently, at least) are going to be refused individual coverage, but have medical conditions that would bankrupt them quickly.  The "if I can do it, you can do it," argument often rubs me the wrong way.  

OP, you can have a party whenever you want, but when you sign the papers and marry each other is your wedding.  It doesn't sound like you're trying to make your party super wedding-y, so I would keep going down that path and just have a nice party to celebrate with your friends and family.  

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marrying-early-party-later-is-this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fb62376-2040-43a7-a6dd-8cc855ae8788Post:c8263adf-c398-4cf2-99f5-5a0d0cced5b9">Re: Marrying early, party later--is this ok?</a>:
[QUOTE]Whew!  Thanks everyone, I will just call it a party.  And no, we aren't already married.  I wish we could get temp insurance coverage but it isn't possible with our situation, believe me, I've looked!  This is our best bet. <strong> The STD cards are out b</strong>ut not invitations so we're ok, I can get those reprinted as we're having a tiny party to begin with.  This was only a 45 person event anyway so I'm not looking at a huge event to replan.  I just don't want to be weird about it if it was inappropriate to have a celebration party.   Your help so far has been wonderful!  Thanks for the help!  :) Cam
Posted by Wikkan[/QUOTE]

I have to admit, I would be pretty disappointed to get an STD card for a wedding (ceremony and reception) and then find out via the invitation that I wouldn't get to watch the ceremony after all.

TheSlowskys

I'm sorry to hear about your fiances health. You may want to double check your policy as well to make sure he can get on immediately and there's no exclusion for preexisting conditions.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marrying-early-party-later-is-this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fb62376-2040-43a7-a6dd-8cc855ae8788Post:02ec4847-4e66-4944-84cd-6571e32baf2a">Re:Marrying early, party lateris this ok?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry to hear about your fiances health. You may want to double check your policy as well to make sure he can get on immediately and there's no exclusion for preexisting conditions.
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]

Yeah, most policies now have a 6-12 month waiting period for coverage of pre-existing conditions, so if this is a short term thing, you might not benefit that much from getting married right away.  If it's a long term thing, it shortens the wait--but I would absolutely look into the fine print on your policy to see if this is even worth it.  Remember that you'll be paying for insurance for him that may not even cover what you need covered.

Also, if this is something that could truly "ruin you financially" I personally would rethink the big party altogether. 

nextrightthing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marrying-early-party-later-is-this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fb62376-2040-43a7-a6dd-8cc855ae8788Post:8d13f9cf-5ab8-4fd1-aec9-0a9c2d5c0264">Re: Marrying early, party later--is this ok?</a>:
[QUOTE]@Eagles--I get what you are saying and I agree that insurance is not a good excuse for marrying in secret or anything like that, but I wanted to respectfully point out that there are people that (currently, at least) are going to be refused individual coverage, but have medical conditions that would bankrupt them quickly.  The "if I can do it, you can do it," argument often rubs me the wrong way.   [/QUOTE]

This.  There is a huge difference between $150 a month prescription costs and thousands of dollars in medical costs that some people will incur without insurance. 

J&K10910

Eags, if it makes you feel any better, my 3 prescriptions a month are $102, with an additional $45 every 3 months or so.....WITH full coverage insurance.  Sigh. 

nextrightthing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marrying-early-party-later-is-this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fb62376-2040-43a7-a6dd-8cc855ae8788Post:88b4de9b-6592-4e9c-b903-5390aec76320">Re: Marrying early, party later--is this ok?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marrying early, party later--is this ok? : Really?  I didn't know that.  I only took two math classes in college, though.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Yeah.  $250+150 = 400

6,000-400=5,600.

You're welcome in advance.  HTH.  :)

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marrying-early-party-later-is-this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fb62376-2040-43a7-a6dd-8cc855ae8788Post:67c77d33-0ed2-4798-87e1-e0eb32e92edc">Re: Marrying early, party later--is this ok?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marrying early, party later--is this ok? : Yeah.  $250+150 = 400 6,000-400=5,600. You're welcome in advance.  HTH.  :)
Posted by nextrightthing[/QUOTE]

Oh....oh dear.

Eags, my dear?  She fuuuucking told you.

Mrs.B6302007

In the words of  Dr. Sheldon Cooper:

"You might want to get some aloe because you just got burned."

J&K10910

She's in your thread, pwning your n00bs.

J&K10910

Haha!  I love when B is here.

Mrs.B6302007

Off to a cookout - have fun ladies!

J&K10910

To me, it sounds like a rash, emotional decision.  I'm making assumptions, of course, but I just hope that OP really looks into her insurance coverage and if this will truly benefit them. 

angelsong21

Although we didn't get married for health insurance, I can certainly understand why OP would do this.  H developed a health condition that in 2 months alone would have cost us $35,000 out-of-pocket.  Now that he's doing better and is back to outpatient appointments, we are still talking $1400/month just for his healthcare costs alone.  Without knowing the reason why OP feels getting married for insurance reasons is necessary, I would never begin to criticize her for doing this. 

That being said, I think it would be more appropriate to have a casual party on the day you are getting married  than a formal reception in Sept.  And no, don't keep the marriage a secret (it didn't sound like you wanted to anyway).... that would result in a lot of hurt feelings.

J&K10910

No one is criticizing her for wanting to get married sooner.  No one would suggest she deny her SO health coverage because of a wedding.  That's ridiculous.  But several of us are trying to say that it might be pointless (because this is now a pre-existing condition), and then the same thing you are: that it's not really appropriate (or practical) to have a huge old party later.  She is involved, and likely emotional.  Having a sick SO is not something that contributes to rational and logical thinking.  Being outsiders, we're much better prepared to offer logical advice about things they need to look into and discuss before running to the courthouse.

So perhaps you should sharpen up your reading comprehension skills before you go slinging the insinuations around, eh?