NWR Sympathy Question

[Deleted User]

FI has a pretty good friend that recently miscarried.  She's recently married and fairly young.  I know who she is but I don't know her very well and FI is kind of at a loss on this.

Would it be appropriate to send a card?  I didn't want to send a sympathy card because quite frankly they all sucked for this circumstance.  I found one that said "Caring Thoughts....(inside) Wishing you the strength you need to carry you through this time."  Does that sound about right?  And to include something about how we are sorry for what happened and our thoughts are with you and your family.

I've heard about not saying oh, it was for the best, or that she can try again, etc.  I don't want to brush it off though.

Summer2011Bride

Yeah, I would not give her something that said "It's for the best" or anything along those lines.

I think the card you picked sounds good. It's always a difficult thing to decide--each person reacts to grief so differently. But I think sending a card shows her she is in your thoughts without intruding and still giving her space.

mandi195

This is an opinion, so please don't take it as gospel:
As a woman who has miscarried, the last thing I would have wanted was a sympathy card or anything at all along those lines. It is such an incredibly difficult experience, and not one that I, personally, wanted any more reminder of. However, as I said, my opinion and not "the way it has to be".
If your FI is VERY close with her, then I can maybe see it being ok, depending on the type of person that this friend is. If you think it would be comforting for her, then by all means I say go for it. However, if you're unsure, I think it may be best to just leave it alone, and if it is mentioned at all when you are in her company, offer your condolences in person. It's really such an emotionally difficult thing, and near impossible to put into words; I'd personally be leary about sending anything.

lcatterton

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-sympathy-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fe68a6c-d7f7-4e60-9edb-e783fb6e0eabPost:98632512-bce9-4ad0-a63f-d004c22b81b8">Re: NWR Sympathy Question</a>:
[QUOTE]This is an opinion, so please don't take it as gospel: As a woman who has miscarried, the last thing I would have wanted was a sympathy card or anything at all along those lines. It is such an incredibly difficult experience, and not one that I, personally, wanted any more reminder of. However, as I said, my opinion and not "the way it has to be". If your FI is VERY close with her, then I can maybe see it being ok, depending on the type of person that this friend is. If you think it would be comforting for her, then by all means I say go for it. However, if you're unsure, I think it may be best to just leave it alone, and if it is mentioned at all when you are in her company, offer your condolences in person. It's really such an emotionally difficult thing, and near impossible to put into words; I'd personally be leary about sending anything.
Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

Yeah, this. I mean, if she gets your card and is alone and breaks down crying then the next time she sees you she'll associate you with the card and the moment she opened it and it just won't be good. At least if you are face to face you can help out or just drop it if she starts to get a little teary eyed.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-sympathy-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2fe68a6c-d7f7-4e60-9edb-e783fb6e0eabPost:98632512-bce9-4ad0-a63f-d004c22b81b8">Re: NWR Sympathy Question</a>:
[QUOTE]This is an opinion, so please don't take it as gospel: As a woman who has miscarried, the last thing I would have wanted was a sympathy card or anything at all along those lines. It is such an incredibly difficult experience, and not one that I, personally, wanted any more reminder of. However, as I said, my opinion and not "the way it has to be". If your FI is VERY close with her, then I can maybe see it being ok, depending on the type of person that this friend is. If you think it would be comforting for her, then by all means I say go for it. However, if you're unsure, I think it may be best to just leave it alone, and if it is mentioned at all when you are in her company, offer your condolences in person. It's really such an emotionally difficult thing, and near impossible to put into words; I'd personally be leary about sending anything.
Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

I agree with you.

BUT I don't think this woman would have shared this news if she didn't want anyone to support her or display sympathy.

So if she has been open about the situation, I would think a card would be welcome - maybe even not unexpected.

willywally5

Having miscarried myself a couple of times, I'd say send something but maybe not an actual sympathy card. Maybe use  a blank-inside card and write something to the effect that you guys have been thinking about them and hope they are finding their way thru this or whatever just to let them know you care. Although, the card you found isn't awful or anything, I just don't know if it looks really 'sympathy card' like. 

It's awful when people ask about it too much or say stupid crap like you mentioned and know not to say, but it's equally awful to not have the loss acknowledged. Because it can be a terrible, devastating blow. It was for me. 

I guess my point is, a thoughtful gesture will probably be very much appreciated. 

[Deleted User]

Thanks for your help gang.  FI is close but not too close to her.  He wasn't comfortable sending the card but when she brought it up to him, he told her how sorry he was about it and just let her talk from there.