Would YOU do it?

musicalsunlight

The other day our radio show replayed an old clip of a "group therapy" where a woman called in asking for advice. She found out during wedding planning that her fiance is actually her 2nd cousin (share a great grandma, and family doesn't all talk to each other so they never knew). She didn't know if she should keep going with the wedding. I mean, it is LEGAL but, she felt weird.

Would you do it? I feel like that would be something I couldn't get past, but I could understand if others went through with it.

Snippylynn

Meh, 2nd cousin, twice removed? We're all about a sneeze away from that, to be honest.

musicalsunlight

Yeah i wouldn't be upset if someone else did it but I am not sure how I would react myself. I'm imagining the wedding "....so, I guess I'm here as the bride AND groom's family?"

aragx6

Maybe I'm totally in the minority but I say "eh." They have no familial-type relationship and it's not illegal. i'd want to look into the possibility of genetic issues with the kids (and if it's an issue, we could consider adoption or something else instead) but I don't think this would phase me.

I read an article about a couple who dicovered they were actually half brother and sister (sperm bank situation) -- they got married (well not legally I guess) anyway and I don't blame them. They said they won't have kids, but other than that what's the issue? They're in love and it's not as if they grew up together -- I find step siblings who were raised together and then end up together actually more creepy honestly.

midgetthemighty

I'm not really sure, but I'm leaning a smidgen towards yes.

musicalsunlight

OH i totally agree, arag. It would be way stranger if two cousins or stepsibling grew up together. I find it fascinating how our social construct has made it this way for some reason.

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:4ffee682-26db-44fc-b007-c42ebeb239d3">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm totally in the minority but I say "eh." They have no familial-type relationship and it's not illegal. i'd want to look into the possibility of genetic issues with the kids (and if it's an issue, we could consider adoption or something else instead) but I don't think this would phase me. I read an article about a couple who dicovered they were actually half brother and sister (sperm bank situation) -- they got married (well not legally I guess) anyway and I don't blame them. They said they won't have kids, but other than that what's the issue? They're in love and it's not as if they grew up together -- I find step siblings who were raised together and then end up together actually more creepy honestly.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
Oh wow, now THAT'S unusual. I don't know how I'd react in either of those circumstances.

musicalsunlight

I've known people who meet and fall in love after their parents have already met and started dating. I think it would suck to be in that situation because people will look at you weird even though in any other circumstance, they wouldn't side eye it at all.

SB1512

In Response to Re:Would YOU do it?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would YOU do it?:Maybe I'm totally in the minority but I say "eh." They have no familialtype relationship and it's not illegal. i'd want to look into the possibility of genetic issues with the kids and if it's an issue, we could consider adoption or something else instead but I don't think this would phase me. I read an article about a couple who dicovered they were actually half brother and sister sperm bank situation they got married well not legally I guess anyway and I don't blame them. They said they won't have kids, but other than that what's the issue? They're in love and it's not as if they grew up together I find step siblings who were raised togethernbsp;and thennbsp;end up together actually more creepy honestly.Posted by aragx6Oh wow, now THAT'S unusual. I don't know how I'd react in either of those circumstances. Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

Wasn't there an episode of House based on that story?

specialk84

If it was from a branch of the family my family had no contact with, it probably wouldn't bother me. My mother cut ties with her family a long time ago, so I've had no interaction with my second cousins on that side. I've had limited interaction with my second cousins on my dad's side, but he's pretty close to them, so it would be weird. KWIM?

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:5e74a8f6-44c9-455f-b32f-b7eb2ab0c88b">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yea, it wouldn't bother me if I heard it was someone else's situation. A few years ago I found out my Granny (Dad's Mom) is actually my Great Aunt. Or was. My biological grandmother passed away when my Dad was really young, <strong>so my Grandpa married her sister</strong>. I think it was more to help the family out of romance though. They live in a tiny town in Texas. Fun family time.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

I think this is actually pretty common. Traditonally, anyway.

Genes are weird to me -- like my twin brothers, when (if) they have kids, those kids will be genetic half siblings instead of genetic cousins.

musicalsunlight

Wow that is really interesting, Rach. Especially that your great aunt/Granny was so willing to marry a guy maybe just out of being helpful, as you say.

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:b5a3aca3-f850-47a7-8eeb-9196670f4864">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've known people who meet and fall in love after their parents have already met and started dating. I think it would suck to be in that situation because people will look at you weird even though in any other circumstance, they wouldn't side eye it at all.
Posted by musicalsunlight[/QUOTE]

Like Dan and Serena on Gossip Girl.

dumdumfroggie

Hmmm... well, I'm not sure exactly how I'd react, but I think I'm leaning towards meh.

That's not really a very close family connection, and since they have no prior familiar experience besides dating?  Yeah, I'd probably go ahead with it.

musicalsunlight

haha yes, Adamar. Even if they suck. (Hah they are my least fave characters on that show).

musicalsunlight

Stage, you would support incestual marriage of any relation? Just wondering your elaborated opinion. I am curious as you how you see it as similar to homosexuality.

aragx6

I totalyl agree about incestuous relationships, stage, but I struggle with polygamy. Not because I find it icky per se, but just because of the fact that nearly all are men with multiple wives and ... I don't know, I'm struggling to explain what I mean fully but it just seems like a bad situation for most women. Patriarchy makes me feel squirrely.

MyUserName1

I don't see anything wrong about it at all- especially since they didn't grow up together or even KNOW they were related.  I was hit on by my second cousin while in Iowa for our great-grandmother's funeral.  I laughed about it, but wasn't creeped out. 

I certainly wouldn't marry the second cousins I grew up with- and I'm not even biologically related to them.

musicalsunlight

I wouldn't be cool with polygamy if it was only granted for men having more than one wife. I'm not into it, but if it were to be legal, I would want women to be able to make the same choice.

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:167f643a-6c71-4e89-87f3-89a10225f498">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]I totalyl agree about incestuous relationships, stage, but I struggle with polygamy. Not because I find it icky per se, but just because of the fact that nearly all are men with multiple wives and ... I don't know, I'm struggling to explain what I mean fully but it just seems like a bad situation for most women. Patriarchy makes me feel squirrely.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Interesting.  I would have more of an issue with incestuous relationships because of the genetic issues.  Polygamy I don't really have a problem with.  Women would be free to have multiple husbands, not just men having multiple wives, correct?

ETA: Or women with multiple wives, men with multiple husbands, etc. 

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:c5797993-2928-4b36-898f-6110a930ad55">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would YOU do it? : Interesting.  I would have more of an issue with incestuous relationships because of the genetic issues.  Polygamy I don't really have a problem with.  Women would be free to have multiple husbands, not just men having multiple wives, correct? ETA: Or women with multiple wives, men with multiple husbands, etc. 
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

I think the genetic issues thing is silly though. Lots of couples choose not to have kids or can't have their own biological ones. Marriage isn't only about childbearing.

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:2df0dc06-07d7-478c-b339-a3b2fbcf6557">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would YOU do it? : I think the genetic issues thing is silly though. Lots of couples choose not to have kids or can't have their own biological ones. <strong>Marriage isn't only about childbearing.
</strong>Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

You're preaching to the choir on that one :)  Maybe if I'm being totally honest it just squicks me out.

AdeleDazeem

I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me.  What I would choose to do after that, I really can't say.

Aragx - I have never thought about the kids of identical twins that way... weird!

aragx6

Oh and I didn't mean that the law wouldn't allow a woman to have more than one husband -- I'd imagine it would be allowed -- but that just doesn't really happen. Polygamy, at least in America, is pretty solidly a religious-based thing that is very regressive towards women and their roles. But at the same time, I also think "it's none of my business" and hence it shouldn't be government's either. I'm quite the libertarian at times.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:c96d58a4-ea38-4a63-9ce5-a4c19183e308">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would YOU do it? : You're preaching to the choir on that one :)  <strong>Maybe if I'm being totally honest it just squicks me out.
</strong>Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

Fair enough! I totally agree; I'm just not a fan of legislating morality in any form.

Edit: Which makes my view on polygamy totally hypocritical I know!

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:b7027b69-5bfc-497a-9e85-300e2a1c2c72">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me.  What I would choose to do after that, I really can't say. Aragx - I have never thought about the kids of identical twins that way... weird!
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

How about this crazy: Were twins to marry another set of twins, their kids would be genetic full siblings!

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:3138895c-6c25-497d-a460-23f387a93959">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would YOU do it? : How about this crazy: Were twins to marry another set of twins, their kids would be genetic full siblings!
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Agh!

My husband has cousins who are identical twins. One just had a baby girl with his wife.  Now, all I'm going to do is sit there and think "It's like she belongs to all three of them." 

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:c5ec7c4b-977c-4c03-89c7-4cf8b0e1b73b">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would YOU do it? : Agh! My husband has cousins who are identical twins. One just had a baby girl with his wife.  Now, all I'm going to do is sit there and think "It's like she belongs to all three of them." 
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

That's too funny. Twins are weird :)

My mom was a fraternal twin and she had identical twins, which is a really bizarre coincidence.

musicalsunlight

Yeah I agree on the "ick" factor. Our society has a pretty solid foundation of morality around familial relations. Which I subscribe to and could not separate myself from, admittedly.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:70f1fd15-8ad9-4613-96df-e03603828b8c">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would YOU do it? : Not necessarily true.  There are tons of support groups for polyamorous couples out there who have members of many gender ratios.  It's just that what you HEAR about in the news or on TLC are the religious groups because when it's religious-based, it's a persecuted group that is misunderstood.  When it's not, it falls under the same "sex crazed" stereotype as swingers and fetish groups, so they really don't talk about it with "outsiders" much.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This is interesting as all get out to me.

I guess we'll file this in the "I don't get it" category. Frankly polygamy seems more about power than anything else, but I guess it's a mistake for me to assume that if you've got 1 man and say 3 women that each individual woman holds less power in the relationship simply because there's two others of the same gender.

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-you-do-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ffc3158-585b-4843-b93b-6fc8ce2dbef9Post:c3f5b96e-94af-4bb3-b113-cb7955cd54e6">Re: Would YOU do it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would YOU do it? : Yes, I would want equal polygamy (all genders could have as many spouses of whatever gender as they want). As for the bolded, that would make sense if we also denied marriage licenses to unrelated couples who carried high risk for genetic anomalies, but we don't.  If two people who are unrelated have a higher chance together of bearing children with a disorder or disability, we don't keep them from marrying.  Hence why I think it's about the sqwick factor more than anything else.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

That makes sense.